Need help letting go

[imwalkingaway]

I realized I dated a sociopath for over ten months. All the red flags were there now that I look back (and I know I noticed some at the time, but dismissed them of course because he was so smooth talking and charming). The beginning was just as it starts out. Calling and texting all the time. Calling me beautiful, doll, darling, babydoll, etc. Gift every single time he showed up at my door. Spoiling me and telling me how much I deserved a man who made me feel loved and appreciated. God, I thought I had found the one. Who knew a man this amazing existed out there.

Until he just got emotionally distant and harsh one day. Just like that. Stonewalling me and telling me I was crazy for all the suspicions I had about him cheating or talking to other girls. Making me blame myself (because I did let him talk me into letting him sleep with someone else once ‘just to get it out of his system’). His biggest problem was instagram. He would direct message all these different girls to receive nude photos or sexual gratification. And to line up his next victims.

He always would tell me he wasn’t sure if I was the girl he wanted to marry and that he wasn’t sure if the passion was still there. That maybe it had peaked, but he was going to try and do better and be more emotionally there for me cause he was trying to work through things. He was so manipulative though and even so disrespectful to his own mother. He’s impulsive and only concerned with his own interests.

I always asked to see his phone to prove he wasn’t cheating. It was always “no because I’m not doing anything wrong”. That I was insecure and needed to deal with that because it wasn’t attractive. I finally hit a wall after all the constant need for sex and never being satisfied and being ignored and shut down on all the usual sociopathic things that I can’t even stomach to mention.

I ended it with him the morning after he called to say he was going to change. It wasn’t going to. He went silent. Didn’t say anything which drove me crazy. I finally asked if he was going to acknowledge it at all and if he was even going to fight for me to stay. Nope. I made my choice he said. I put thought into my words and there wasn’t anything to say except I was right and he needed to work on himself. That our story wasn’t over but he needed to get his life and future in order because he wouldn’t make a good husband or father at the rate he was going.

Okay, fine. But something nagged at me. I couldn’t let it go cause he’s turned me into a crazy person. I logged into his instagram (lucky guess at the password) and discovered all the cheating going on the whole time we were together. Even telling them he was going on road trips alone (when I was with him) or that he was single because he knew what he deserved and wanted to find that girl so he could spend enternity with her discovering the cosmos together (insert eye roll – same lines he used on me).

I went ballistic I’m ashamed to say. I confronted him in text. He said yeah “it was stupid and something he needs to work on” WHAT? No remorse at all. I screenshot the crap out of all the messages and sent them out to all the girls to warn them. Some thanked me. One he was with at the time and is currently seeing already (less than a week after I broke it off). She fell for his lies I’m assuming that I’m a crazy ex or he’s changing or who knows what.

I should have stopped there but I told the mother of his child cause I was so emotionally upset and didn’t know how to deal with it. I told her I hoped their daughter never met a man like her father. I told him I told her. I’m losing it. I can’t stop messaging him and he doesn’t say a single word. I feel like it’s the opposite of the no contact rule. He has the upper hand and I’m turning into even more of a crazy person. I texted him asking why last night. For an explanation so I can move on or else I need to seek therapy. Again, no response even though I can see he read it. I can’t stop checking the new girls Facebook and instagram.

I feel worthless now. He’s turned me into this pathetic shell of a woman and I’m a mess. I know he’s bad for me. I don’t even want him back but my brain doesn’t know how to process this. I know he’ll never be faithful to anyone. I know I deserve better but how do I let go? The betrayal is just astounding. I can’t believe there are people out there like this.

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