Need support /strength/wisdom, evil hurts

[deceivedagain]

Okay all. I was really dumb.
I went back to my abuser. The temptation was there and it was easy. I am alone here in this life, and it is not an easy thing for me. I have no family, no friends. I try and try and try and I will keep trying (to make connections with people) but so you understand — how tempting it is for me to go back to this creep.
I thought I could handle it — go out and try to meet other people on the side, keep him on the side, knowing full well he’s a psycho. BAD IDEA. And so I am hurting again today and feeling really stupid.
so then he told me he didn’t care about me over telephone when I insisted on some sort of respectful boundaries in our “relationship”. I think the latest thing is that he didn’t want to make definite plans (just keep me hanging or guessing) and didn’t want to take me out to eat wanted me to cook for him or bring food over. I decided to make him speak to me to my face (as in recent past he always rages breaks up over phone, then blocks). so i go there and he gives me a long calm demeaning conversation says he doesn’t care about me, only with me b/c he feels sorry for me that I’m “no fun” that I was stupid for wanting to wear my nice coat the other night (I was complaining that I had gotten dressed up and ready to go out and he cancelled dinner b/c i had had a couple of glasses of wine before he came, waiting and he doesn’t like that) (I hadn’t eaten all day. waiting. he telling me how dumb that was. not his fault that I had two drinks on an empty stomach.) that he looked better than me, that the football game was more important than me, studied concentration on cell phone when me speaking. He’s busy he has things to do (folding laundry).
All to let me know JUST how insignificant I am. I said: can’t you even just act like you care a little? well, he cares in a general way about my well being, but its my fault we are back together because I came over there he had blocked me. he’s “busy” please leave now, he’s done. he was saying all sorts of purposely hurtful things. This, I think, my punishment for forcing a face to face. I was literally standing there with my mouth hanging open lol. then he tells me to leave he has been taping this conversation the entire time (reason for all the lies being told about my past and making me sound like the psycho)…. this is what psycho people do. Make you look the psycho. It’s so easy b/c they have no emotion. I actually could see in his face the glee he was taking in upsetting me. I asked him: is this funny to you? Is this all some big game? You are upsetting me and this makes you happy? I actually think that he THRIVES on it. How dare I suggest he acted wrongly. He thrives on upsetting me and thinking, knowing, that I will be back again. He must love it. I will try to go no contact again now and promise myself not to do this again. Fortunately, I will be traveling in November and December and February. I will try to plan a trip for January as well if I can so that — I am not near here.

[emilie18]

You have perfectly described the “devalue” in the triad of narcissistic/psychopathic behaviors: “idealize, devalue, discard”. My suggestion is YOU be the one to discard HIM. You do not deserve to be so totally disrespected. His behavior is cruel at best, manipulative and psychologically damaging at worst. Take your travel time to block him from your life completely. Erase his contacts on your phone and block his emails and calls. Refuse his mail. Don’t answer the door if he shows up. Make yourself invisible and unavailable to him. Every day you keep his toxicity out of your life is a good day – and a healing day. If you can find a counselor or a therapy group who understands these types, go to them. Keep posting here — you will find this forum is FULL of love and support. Start a hobby – a painting class, martial arts lessons, gardening group or some other function that requires you to be with others of like mind — at the least it will keep your mind and body busy and maybe connect you with potential friends. It will not be easy, I know – but you need to rediscover YOU. You need to believe you deserve so much better than this creep. You need to allow light and goodness and wholeness and love back into your life. That takes time and work and pain — but in the end your heart and mind will be free.

[Sunnygal]

deceivedagain- You need to choose yourself. You can also be your own best friend.

SG

• This reply was modified 5 years, 2 months ago by Sunnygal.

[polestar]

Hi deceived again –
Your ex is so hateful and demeaning. From what you have posted all along, I see a pattern of horrific psychological abuse towards you and as Emile18 pointed out, the total devaluing of you. If you broke your No Contact, no prob – just reinstate it. I’m wondering if there is a part of you that thinks you can regain your self esteem by reengaging with him in the hopes of somehow “ winning “ or by somehow thinking you could stand up to him better this time. Realize that the only way that you can “ win “ with a psychopath is by going No Contact. That’s it. Engaging with a psychopath is in itself “ loosing “. I am not in any way criticizing you – please don’t think that. I’m just trying to explain something that we all have the hardest time comprehending. When you are a smart and kind hearted person, it is simply incomprehensible to “ get “ how someone could be so utterly cruel. Plus it is so difficult to deal with the humiliation. I think it might be helpful to you to think of his behavior in terms of battering. Though physical abuse still goes on, nowadays it is looked upon with so much disgust, that now batterers need to take out their hostility and rage by using psychological battering, so that they can look “ squeaky clean “. Do not try to recoup your losses, just get away. Your victory is in going on to live a wonderful and happy life. You can do it! Perhaps read books about those who have gone through what you have and got back their strength and have gained much wisdom through the whole ordeal. Our own Donna Anderson has written about her horrific experiences, and now see what a shining star she is ! Another one who has written about what she’s been through is Ballard. If you haven’t read any of her books, you are in for the most compassionate understanding ever. You will feel that you have a true friend in the way she relates. I like her book called “ Narcissist Free “. As always, we are here for you. Keep in touch so we can give you support while you are getting your footing back.
Blessings to you.

[ridgid]

Thanks for sharing your story deceivedagain. I just want to say your not “dumb”, you have feelings for a person who can’t.

[deceivedagain]

many thanks and love to all — I really needed to hear it and I am re-reading these for the third time. He bruised my arm — i didn’t realize it until i was showering. I took a photo and sent it to him. he has a “high power” job and will not want trouble so he will stay away i think. Today I went to art museum and movie and I am going to be brave (i hope) and show up to a local card club tournament starting tomorrow at a local joint. I’mn not the best card player, but maybe i will laugh and meet people. Yes, I so need to move forward and I will not give up on myself. Here is a funny thing to tell you: at our last dump /break (when he went into rage bc he accused me of having an affair and had called me vile names) i left a note on his car PIG. he keeps that on his refrigerator still. isn’t that strange? I realize now that I cannot do that kind of stuff. No contact starts now again. I will keep a gratitude journal. I joined a spin class. I will see if I can find something else art or music. I will count the days until my trips. I will look for new friends and acquaintances. I will love myself and engage in positive self talk. I will keep you posted.

[Donna Andersen]

Deceivedagain – Your description that the guy took pleasure in hurting you says it all — he is a complete sociopath. You deserve far better than that.

Please consider this incident as the validation you need to work on your personal healing. Emotional recovery is what will really set you free. We have lots of articles about recovery here on Lovefraud – go to the link near the top of the right column about “recovery from a sociopath.”

Also, you are likely suffering from an addiction to him. We have a terrific webinar on, “EFT tapping to break your addiction to a sociopath.” It explains that there are physical reasons why you go back, and what you can do to break the addiction. You might want to check it out.

[deceivedagain]

thank you Donna

[polestar]

Hi deceived again –
Your last post made me so happy! I love the idea that you will be joining a class, participating in a card tournament, and also getting into art or music. From what I understand from your previous posts, is that you play some kind of an instrument already, so you have a good base to learn and grow more. It will be so great for you to be in environments where you can meet people who will be able to appreciate you. Your self esteem and self love will grow … and then suddenly you will remember your real self and the true value of worth that you are. I like the journal idea too. Thank you for including us in your journey.
Blessings to you.

[Sunnygal]

deceived- Also glad to see your upbeat post.

SG

[deceivedagain]

Happy Friday…. so. Today. I am feeling really angry…. this is because. I have a big green/blue/black bruise on my arm from last encounter with the creep. I am so angry I feel like I should report this but — I also think that if I do, it will be worse for me than just “letting it go”. Because he is an evil sociopath, and he was taping me. and I have no idea about that tape.
Nonetheless, I’m torn. I will probably just “let it go”. ha. lesson learned. However, everytime I look at my arm I get angry again. Thoughts?

[deceivedagain]

…. i think.. in the end though, I need to think about what is best for ME. and what is best for ME is to move on, get rid of him out of my life completely asap. and pursuing this will surely be a nightmare. I’m guessing.

[Sunnygal]

deceived- yes, best to move on but get your anger out but not at him. I have a digital recorder where I record positive messages I listen to at times.

[slimone]

deceived,

I am so sorry about what you have been through. I echo what everyone here is saying….best to move on. Just get RID OF ‘IT’. I was also faced with a situation that made me VERY angry. My friends father is a judge, and she discussed it with him. He said that he had dealt with many of these evil-doers, and that they rarely get ‘punished’ for their crimes. He suggested that I let go of the $$$, and the ‘slander’, and keep moving forward.

Now that my life is totally calm and ‘normal’ I am grateful for his advice. Getting (quickly) away, and staying away (no contact), helped me more than anything.

[polestar]

Hi deceived again –
You can think of that bruise as being a “ Hoover “. He probably knew very well that you would have a bruise and that would get you riled up “ bull baiting “ so that you would react and get enmeshed with him yet again. Yes, taping you was wierd too and who knows what he would do to turn things around against you if you approached the authorities. Remember that you are safe from him now, and keep it that way. Just keep up your No Contact, and continue to move forward with your own beautiful life.
Blessings to you.

[Author]

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