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I ended my relationship 3 days ago. I don’t think he was a raging sociopath or narcissist, but definite controlling and manipulative tendencies. These are painful days and I am struggling. Just need to get it off my chest and maybe hear some of your thoughts.
I was a single parent for a long time, had been on my own for 12 years bringing up my two daughters when I met A. He absolutely love bombed me, but at the time I was just swept off my feet and starry eyed. He was generous, caring, made me feel amazing, all that usual stuff. Red flags first appeared about 6 weeks in, and I’m kicking myself that I didn’t pay heed, especially after previous nightmare relationship experiences. I saw glimpses of another side of him: demanding, critical, unreasonable – things would escalate quite quickly and his tone would become sarcastic, I’d suspect at times he was provoking me. But that was far outweighed by the positives – he made me feel secure and loved etc. Nonetheless, it was a bit of a rollercoaster emotionally.
He moved in with me after 4 months – I wouldn’t have chosen for that to happen so soon but his accommodation was connected to his job and as he was changing roles and in a difficult spot I allowed it to happen. 6 months in we went on a holiday to Thailand and he proposed. I accepted, shushing the alarm bells in my head that were trying to alert me to the amount of drama, arguing and nonsense in the relationship. The number of times I’d ended up crying in the toilets at work, spending ages messaging back and forth desperately trying to resolve ridiculous issues with him.
8 months in I discovered that he had considerable debts that he hadn’t mentioned to me. I’d made it clear that complete honesty was essential for me in a relationship, and the fact that he had kept his debts hidden and that he had shown poor judgment bothered me deeply. I ended things. It wasn’t the debts that bothered me as much as the hiding, the damage to trust. He turned on the full groveling, crying, begging mess and I took him back. Looking back there was a lot of emotional manipulation about me turning my back on him and our family, being cold and unsympathetic, lacking understanding etc.
After we got back together things were mostly better, but there were still concerns for me: mostly, him demanding to know where I am and what I’m doing, not in a friendly, tell me about your day sort of way, but in a suspicious, demanding way. Implying that I’m cheating on him and lying to him. Didn’t like me having a seated, fully-clothed back and shoulder massage at work because the masseur is a man. Any time I mentioned my closest peer at work – male – there would be a reaction of some sort, so in the end I stopped doing it. Every time I worked late or socialized with my colleagues he made an issue of it, expected me to answer his messages even mid-meal. I’m an introvert who needs time alone, but every time I tried to take any there would be horrible consequences, mostly him being convinced that I was with another man. I could see that he was staring to characterize me as an over-sensitive, over-dramatic, over-reacting woman any time I took issue with things like this. Our arguments would be protracted and circular, he used a lot of sarcasm and ridiculous, childish behavior. My head would feel fried.
The final straw was when I was at a gym class, and in a break between work-out tracks I answered a message from him. That was it – how could I be messaging if I was in a gym class? Where was I really? He even sent me a screen shot of the gym timetable. I looked at myself in the gym mirror and just thought: no. I shouldn’t have to justify myself, prove myself. Even if I’d changed my mind and gone shopping instead, so what? I told him to F-off. And of course then it was all about how my reaction was so rude, all I had to do was answer the question. He actually said “I would have accepted a simple, polite explanation”.
I am trying to stay strong. After about 12 hours he sent a message apologizing, admitting that he’d messed up, saying “jealousy is a strange and difficult thing”. I’ve had to block him on social media as he wouldn’t stop begging, reminding me how good we were, how sorry he was etc, even when I asked him repeatedly to stop.
This has all come tumbling out of me, and I feel like I’ve written so much now, not in an orderly way at all. Thank you to anyone who reads this – just the writing of it has been therapeutic.
The loss of this relationship feels like a hammer blow to me. Being with someone after so long on my own was amazing and despite all of the rubbish I miss him. But I am made of tough stuff and know I deserve better.
Love to you all xxx
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givemestrength – I am so sorry for your experience. Everything you describe is very characteristic of a man with a personality disorder. He could be antisocial, narcissistic or borderline – I’m not sure which, but it doesn’t matter. He is definitely disordered, and his behavior will never get better.
I am glad that you ended it. Now you do need to stay strong – he will turn on the pleading, charm, rage, criticism – whatever. His objective will be to retain control over you. And make no mistake – this is all about control.
He is no good. Put him out of your life.
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Hi Givemestrengh, sending you huge hugs hon. ???You did the right thing by breaking it off with him. He is controlling, manipulate, cunning, and a long list of other things. You are stronger then you know! ?
Right now, it does NOT matter what “personality disorder” he has, but he has at least one. Right now what does matter is you putting yourself first. Protecting yourself because you do not know how he will react to you breaking up with him for good.
EVERYTHING YOU WROTE IN YOUR post is EXACTLY what my ex husband, a sociopath did to me!! When I finally escaped his grips my counselor told me that he was a sociopath. I researched this and read a book she gave me. and there on the pages of the book was the truth! He was indeed a sociopath. Then researched the web and found this wonderful site Donna & Terry have created to educate myself & connect with others that have endured the same hellish nightmare.
PLEASE KNOW that The most dangerous time for a woman in a abusive relationship is when she is about to break up or has broken up with her abuser. PLEASE PLEASE CALL YOUR COUNTRIES NATIONAL DOMESTIC ABUSE HOTLINE (USA 800-799-SAFE) to talk with a free counselor about a Domestic Abuse EXIT & SAFETY PLAN. let your most trusted friends & family know what is going on.
Also, if you go to the home page of Lovefraud & go down to the YELLOW BOX, Donna (site creator) has great info. In addition go up to the top of Lovefraud and watch the free videos she has made. They will open your eyes & mind.
Do a search here at Lovefraud (top right top corner) for the following & on the net:
No contact rule
Gas lighting abuse
pity play manipulation
covert narcisiist
covert sociopathWhen I had proof that my husband (now ex) was indeed having an affair with a co worker, he begged me, sobbed, cried, apologies, etc etc said he would do anything for me not to leave him. I was done with the whole nightmare marriage. But he conned me back in. I stayed 7 plus more years and the HELL he inflicted was just turned up ten fold after that affair. These types of people know exactly how to con people back into their con game. DO NOT TAKE HIS BAIT.
YOUR GUT INSTINCT IS SCREAMING THAT THIS MAN IS A MARCHING BAND OF RED FLAGS!! Believe your gut hon!!
I saw red flags like you & ignored them. DONT IGNORE THEM!!
Google “Oprah Gavin Debecker you tube” to watch their interview on listening to your gut. Gavin’s book is The Gift of Fear. Your local library may have it. It’s a must read book along with Donna’s book Lovefraud 10 signs you are dating a sociopath (see Lovefraud book store for this book up at the top of LF site here).
SO SO GLAD THAT YOU HAD THE COURAGE TO POST HERE AT LOVEFRAUD!!
We hear you, we believe you, we are here for you!!
Keep venting & reading post here at love fraud. Just google what he has done to you because most likely Donna has written an article on that topic.
Wishing you all the best! ???
Take care. ???
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Yes, you do deserve better! Hope you’re feeling better by now. I guess it takes sometime to fully recover, but not having to deal with all the drama and manipulation anymore are enough reasons to endure the difficult pos break up period. Stay strong 🙂
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