Need you guys' opinion and advice

[toyasaya]

(I apologize in advance for my not so good English)

Hello everyone,
I am very glad that I found this website because I am very confused and need your opinion.

I have read the stories of others and my story has many elements of those stories, but the fact that he still shows a lot of guilt and remorse and also compassion for the people who matter to him keeps me asking and hoping that he is not a sociopath.
My story is too long, that’s why I’m only counting the characteristics of him that speak for and against Sociopathy. Please look at these and tell me what you guys think.

Sociopath
• Has had problems with drugs, violence and law since childhood – was in juvenile prison
• Was brought up in a very negative household that resulted in physical abuse, emotional abuse
• Is very charming – when he talks to women, for example office workers, they are very pleased with him
• Confident and boastful – brags about his intelligence and his engineering studies, can be very arrogant – has in fact an above-average intelligence
• Is a pathological liar – lying has become a habit for him, lies even if he does not need to lie, has also told lies about me
• Can be very persuasive and manipulative – has repeatedly deceived other people (e.g. ex-girlfriends) in order to get something he wanted (drugs, money)
• Is unemployed – can’t stay at a job for longer, working is not important to him
• High level of irresponsible – can’t meet financial obligations, deadlines, appointments, family obligations
• lacks self-discipline – can’t pursue any long-term goals, doesn’t plan ahead
• Has phases of impatience and irritability – especially on withdrawal
• Is a very toxic person in general, negative and destructive

On the other hand (these are things I have experienced myself)
• feels remorse – often talks about the bad things he did, about the people he hurt, told me all his bad deeds and the crimes he committed
• Feels guilt – sometimes his past life and current life get too much for him and he breaks down, frequently cries at night out of depression, frustration
• Since he is a believer, he sometimes says he was damned and abandoned by God
• Feels empathy – is loving towards children (children of his sister), although he can be aggressive, he is not violent towards women or children, has never hurt me physically
• He was with his sick uncle in the hospital day and night, who was suffering from cancer (died)
• Has problems with his father (father is disappointed with him), but a very good relationship with his mother, loves her over everything
• Sometimes behaves like a scared little boy – have experienced twice, how he lay with his head in the lap of his mother for hours and cried because of the bad things in his life
• Has suicidal thoughts – is frustrated himself by his life

My questions:
1. Is he a sociopath? – Or does he mostly behave like this because of the drugs?
If sociopath: how strong is his sociopathy – just a mild antisocial personality disorder, or almost psychopathic?
2. Is he changeable or at least influenceable?
3. If I want to help him, should I confront him with his disorder – or can I help him better by keeping this knowledge secret and always being one step ahead of him?

Currently we are not together. I ended the relationship after a huge dispute, which arose due to his sociopathic behavior. He has hurt me so much with his behavior and dishonesty that I was mentally done (done with life in general) and left country for a few months. I had a lot of time to think about him and why he behaves this certain way. This is how I came across the topic of antisocial personality disorders.
I know him since childhood, which is why I care a lot about him. Even though he has forced, hurt and humiliated me, I can’t stop loving him. Since people in his life, especially his family, do not know about his disorder, they are very disappointed and frustrated with him and have distanced themselves from him. I want to show him understanding and support him, because he probably does not even know himself how mentally ill he is. He is frustrated himself by his attitude and life and has suicidal thoughts. I just can’t let him down. But on the other hand he almost got me to the point where I fell into deep depression and wanted to end this life because his behavior became too much and I couldn’t bear any more (I am a mentally not so strong person).

I ask for you guys’ advice and opinion.
Thank you in advance.

[emilie18]

Toyasaya — For your own mental health, stay away. This man needs professional help. It sounds very much like antisocial personality disorder fueled by drugs, and he will continue to suck you into his negative sphere if he can. Pay attention to your feelings. If you are depressed and suicidal you need to protect yourself. Perhaps a counselor experienced in these disorders might help you too. Glad you found this site — keep reading and learning – and stay healthy yourself. Keep talking to those who have been there, done that. You cannot save this man, as much as you love him. He needs to save himself.

[toyasaya]

You are right, I need to take care of myself and heal myself. He can’t be helped if he doesn’t want to.
Thank you.

[slimone]

Hi toyasaya,

I do think he is a very disordered man, and here is what I think of his ‘good qualities’.

You wrote: My response is in CAPS.

On the other hand (these are things I have experienced myself)
• feels remorse – often talks about the bad things he did, about the people he hurt, told me all his bad deeds and the crimes he committed
THIS IS PART OF THE ‘PITY PLOY’, AND HOW THEY FOOL US INTO THINKING THAT THEY WILL CHANGE. IF THEY TELL YOU WHAT THEY DID, THEN YOU BELIEVE THEY WILL DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT IN THE FUTURE. THEY DON’T

• Feels guilt – sometimes his past life and current life get too much for him and he breaks down, frequently cries at night out of depression, frustration
ANOTHER PITY PLOY. HE JUST FEELS SORRY FOR HIMSELF, NOT FOR OTHERS. THIS MAKES YOU THINK, AGAIN, THAT HE HAS PERSONAL INSIGHT INTO HIS SHORT-COMINGS. HE DOESN’T

• Since he is a believer, he sometimes says he was damned and abandoned by God
THIS IS NARCISSISTIC TO THINK THAT GOD SINGLED HIM OUT FOR ABANDONEMENT. WHY WOULD GOD DO THAT? JUST ANOTHER PLOY TO MAKE YOU FEEL SORRY FOR HIM, AND KEEP GIVING HIM WHAT HE WANTS SO HE CAN FEEL BETTER. HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY FEEL BAD, HE IS MANIPULATING YOU.

• Feels empathy – is loving towards children (children of his sister), although he can be aggressive, he is not violent towards women or children, has never hurt me physically
MAYBE HE WOULD’NT PHYSICALLY HURT THEM, BUT THIS DOESN’T MEAN HE LOVES THEM. HE MAY VERY WELL FEEL THAT HE ‘OWNS’ THESE KIDS, ALONG WITH ANYONE ELSE IN HIS FAMILY WHO STILL SUPPORTS HIS BEHAVIORS. ACTING KIND IS NOT AN INDICATION OF EMPATHY. THEY ARE GOOD ACTORS. THEY ACT TO GET WHAT THEY WANT.

• He was with his sick uncle in the hospital day and night, who was suffering from cancer (died)
THEY ARE ALSO ATTRACTED TO HIGH DRAMA SITUATIONS. DEATH, DIVORCE, FOR EXAMPLE. IT GIVES THEM A TEMPORARY HIGH. ALSO, THEY CAN ACT LIKE THEY ARE DEEPLY CONCERNED AND DEVOTED, WHEN THEY REALLY AREN’T.

• Has problems with his father (father is disappointed with him), but a very good relationship with his mother, loves her over everything
I WOULD BE DISAPPOINTED IF HE WERE MY SON. OFTEN PARENTS ARE SPLIT ON HOW THE VIEW THEIR CHILDREN, ESPECIALLY IF THEY ARE DISORDERED. MANY TIMES ONE PARENT IS PITTED AGAINST THE OTHER, BY THE SOCIOPATH.

• Sometimes behaves like a scared little boy – have experienced twice, how he lay with his head in the lap of his mother for hours and cried because of the bad things in his life
THIS IS, AGAIN, A SIMPLE ACT TO GAIN SYMPATHY AND TO MAKE SURE HE HAS PEOPLE WHO WILL DO WHAT HE WANTS. HE WANTS HIS MOTHER TO BELIEVE HE HAS A HEART, IS SAD, AND NEEDS HER. HE IS ACTING LIKE A CHILD, BECAUSE IT GETS HIM THE ATTENTION HE CRAVES.
• Has suicidal thoughts – is frustrated himself by his life
HAVING SUICIDAL THOUGHTS IS LIKELY ANOTHER MANIPULATION TO GET EVERYONE TO FEEL SORRY FOR HIM. MOST SOCIOPATHS WILL ONLY KILL THEMSELVES IF THEY GET BACKED SO FAR INTO A CORNER THEY USE SUICIDE AS A FINAL ACT OF CONTROL. OR HE MAY HAVE BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER. BORDERLINES ARE MORE PRONE TO SUICIDE.

EITHER WAY, THEY ARE BEST AVOIDED, DON’T CHANGE.

You have made the right decision to break it off. He sounds 100% disordered.

[toyasaya]

You are right – this is all an act, otherwise he would change his behavior – but he doesn’t. He just fools the people around him into thinking he wants change. He gains our sympathy and thus he can manipulate us.
Thank you for your detailed anwswer, it really opened my eyes about his “good qualities”. I understand now.

• This reply was modified 6 years, 3 months ago by toyasaya.

[Sunnygal]

Addiction is a terrible disease and addcts are very sick.

[toyasaya]

Indeed :-/

[marinapearl]

Don’t think I can add anything that Slimone didn’t already say , which was all spot on. This guy may SEEM very sensitive, but so did my ex-fiancé. It’s all an act to get sympathy.

And even if it isn’t, and he actually DOES feel remorse… has it had any effect on his behavior? Has it moved him to change, to stop lying and manipulating and preying on people? I suspect not.

I understand why you want to help him. You’re a kind, empathetic person who doesn’t want someone you care about to suffer. But you can’t help this guy, and if you stay with him, he will destroy you. Run away and don’t look back.

[toyasaya]

You are right, nothing changed about his behavior, even though he shows so much remorse. I had that thought every time he cried in the night and then behaved the same the next day.
Thank you for your answer.

[Stargazer]

He has enough sociopathic traits to be considered as disordered and dangerous to be involved with – particularly the pathological lying. As far as his ongoing shows of remorse, consider that he does this because he knows people will feel sorry for him. Sociopaths are masters at seeming sincere when in fact they are trying to manipulate you. The one I dated apologized profusely when he would do something thoughtless or hurtful to me.

[Author]

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