Needing support / input

[deceivedagain]

Hello —
I need help staying away from a bad man. He is emotionally abusive. I cannot tell if he ever really cared or if he is a narc. regardless he has put me through alot of pain and i need to stay away from him. on off three years. discards. blocks number. big control games. honestly its so long involved sordid and embarassing that i even missing him and depressed yet again by his idiocy that i can’t even describe it all. but the most recent last night split — was because he said that “someone told him” that within the last year I was seen with my ex husband (who i do not even speak to) and he thinks that I was “with” the ex — and this would have been during a BREAK in our on off relationship wherein he had blocked me and we were not even speaking. lol. so — it’s not as if had this happened, which it did not — that I would have been cheating. at any rate he then tells me to find someone else to leave him alone, calls me disgusting names curses yells…. truthfully, i think that he needed to re engage his control because i was starting to do things without him, with other people, and have planned several lengthy and fun trips without him and told him so. told him i had already planned trips for thanksgiving, christmas, new years and valentines day since — he has always split with me during these holidays causing me depression and pain, and last christmas I swore i would NOT be sitting here lonely and alone again this year. So he told me he was “busy” and did not want to see me all last holiday three day weekend. and angry that I said I didn’t know if i could take trip when he wanted to do so later in month bc i have a lot of vacation days already planned … anyway, the point is I guess I needed venting and support and unfortunately i have NO FRIENDS OR FAMILY at all — reason I always end up crawling back to this creep. help me stop. thanks

[deceivedagain]

let me add: one bad thing: he lives just a few houses down. so. i can see his car and when he is home. i can’t move. i love my place. but its a bad temptation.

[Sunnygal]

deceived- Try and find a support group. If you live close you will need a strong mental barrier.

SG

[Jan7]

Hi Deceived, he’s playing mind games with you!! He wants to mess with your mind…like a cat playing with a mouse. HE is also trying to keep the door open to coming back incase his latest victim dumps him…which she will so beware!!

He wants to push your buttons also. My ex did this same kind of mind game when we were married. He would out of the blue tell me that I was cheating on him…I of course defended my character stating I would never do that…which he knew…but it was just a mind game…and to shift the attention off of HIS cheating…YEP!! When he started these mind games about me cheating…it was him cheating.

Eventually his pattern started to be clear and I called him out on his cheating…he said to me “when would I have time to cheat”…his exact words…well he spun my head away…he was cheating with a co worker for two years!!

It’s a none stop mind screwing. I have read the same manipulation pattern from others on here. Your ex seems to be doing the same pattern of manipulation as my ex h & others on here have posted.

So it was most likely YOUR ex that was with HIS EX this week and he is planting the seed in your mind so that if a friend or someone saw him then he can spin your head in the other direction.

EVERYTHING THEY SAY IS A MIND GAME…REMEMBER THAT!!

He does not care or you or ANYONE…with sociopaths & narcissist its’ ALL about them…they literally have no feelings for others…there brains do NOT work in the emotional region and their for they do not bond with others emotionally. DO NOT THAT this personally…it’s NOT you …it’s him. He will behave the same way with every romantic partner he is with. AND he will do the same mind games that he used on you with everyone he is with…simply because they worked with you and others and they will work with future victims…that is until the escape & research too.

HE MADE YOU ADDICTED TO HIM!! This is what you need to understand so that you can finally break free from his mind control aka brain washing!!

YES!! He brain washed you and still has you under his mind control…EXACTLY like a cult leader with cult followers…STATE seeing him as your cult leader and you as his cult follower. This helped me to wake up to his brain washing.

IF you do a search on LF here for Steven Hassan you can read a post by Donna on his book. Hassan is a cult expert. He explains that a cult can be a cult leader that has a million followers (such as a political cult, religious etc) or 1 cult follower such as domestic abuse partner (YOU!!).

It can also be gangs, brothels, child trafficking etc.

If you google “Steven Hassan BITE model”…you can see how your ex mind controlled you to do what he wanted & to keep you still in his grips.

Breaking the addition hold he has over you is hard…it’s just like a food, drug or alcohol addiction…BUT you can break free…it’s easier in a way then those because you simply follow the no contact rule..and never let him back into your life…because he will only screw with your mind.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 5 months ago by Jan7.

[Jan7]

You stated:

i think that he needed to re engage his control because i was starting to do things without him, with other people, and have planned several lengthy and fun trips without him and told him so.

YES!! You are seeing his con game!! My ex did the same…and many others have posted the same…once you are seeing the light at the end of the tunnel of healing…they attempt to drag you back into their con game. These evil people do not want their victims to go on to live happy lives.

THE BEST REVENGE IS TO FOLLOW THE NO CONTACT RULE AND MOVE ON TO BE HAPPY AGAIN!! Do this with this guy.

Keep your self busy. IF you feel that you want to call him..start cleaning your house or start a hobbie or write in a journal, come here & vent or call a good friend & just talk about life not about him.

Take a note pad out & write your bucket list down then posted it above your sink you bush your teeth in the mouthing and read that list. Posted it all over the house on the frig, by your tv remote and then start focusing on how you are going to achieve your bucket list.

Start switching your mind to the things YOU WANT out of life. This will help close the door on him.

If that does not work to not call him…then come here and read read read everything!! This helped me tremendously when I first left my ex h. I would have tears streaming down my face and that release of emotions helped to shift my mind back slowly towards my old self.

No friends…no problem. Look up the site “Meet up. com” there are endless groups & hobbies groups in your area. Find a good women’s group to start out with since you are vulnerable…such as a hobby group or dinner group. Keep your private life private until you get to know them & form a friendship foundation. There are also all women travel groups etc on the net.

YOU DESERVE BETTER THEN WHAT YOU WERE SETTING FOR WITH THIS NARCISSIST OR SOCIOPATH NARCISSIST!

KNOW THIS!!

Also there are FREE support groups at your local domestic abuse center which I would highly recommend that you go…and also FREE counseling there as well. This will help you to keep away from him also.

YOUR NOT ALONE HON…REARCH OUT FOR MORE HELP WITH THE DOMESTIC ABUSE CENTER. And also Donna has a service see up at the top of the site where you can chat with her.

Sending you hugs!! 💜💜💜

ps you should be so proud of your self for getting this guy out of your life in the first place, researching for answers & then posting here on LF…THESE ARE HUGE STEPS TOWARDS HEALING HON!!

also heal your body too from all the stress this guy put you under. See the symptoms list of adrenal fatigue and sites like Adrenal fatigue. org & Dr Lam. com. Most victims suffer from PTSD and this I believe is an issue that needs to be address to heal the PTSD full. See also the free documentary on you tube called “Super juice me” to heal your body & google Jason Vale juicing you tube. Check with your doctor before you make any health changes.

Take care.

[Jan7]

Just googled: “All women tour groups”…there are a lot of articles on the “best all women tours”…here are a few websites:

Women’s Travel Groups
The Best Women-Only Adventure Travel Companies
01 of 11. Wild Women Expeditions. …
02 of 11. The Women’s Travel Group. …
03 of 11. Adventures in Good Company. …
04 of 11. AdventureWomen. …
05 of 11. The Women’s Wilderness Institute. …
06 of 11. REI Women’s Adventures. …
07 of 11. Women High on Adventure (WHOA) …
08 of 11. Explorer Chick.

Just google for the full list.

Also, check out you tube. com and type in “women travel groups” and there might be some great videos on some.

[deceivedagain]

hey Jan7 thank you SO MUCH I really really needed to hear that. I blocked him and sent him an email to his office telling him that I want nothing to do with him and will file a restraining order against him if he speaks to me…. he will leave me alone for at least 3 to 6 months. i am sure. interesting about the cheating thing. maybe he has some new woman and that also timed into the accusation and split. who knows though frankly, I am tired of trying to figure him out i simply do not want to go through this again. hes definitely not worth it. each time we got back together his behavior deteriorated more. Like a game of how lousy can I get away with treating this person? I think everything he does is an act. he acts happy he acts interested. he loves to talk about himself and be adored. but his rage is real. I will check out the cult reading. I have not found any support groups here but I will check the local dv place. maybe that is a possibility. I tried speaking with a therapist through my insurance company. it was a complete waste of time and money. right now i am depressed being isolated in a city really SUCKS. I am going to a meetup woman’s group tuesday maybe i will meet some people there. thank you thank you thank you again.

[Jan7]

You’re so welcome. PLEASE PLEASE be careful threating him. Sociopaths & narcissist are masterful manipulators who can easily turn the tables & get the victim arrested.

SO now you really do need to keep the no contact rule in place. BLOCK HIM ON YOUR PHONE AND SOCIAL MEDIA.

YES!! Every time we take them back they do intact “deteriorate” us more = all to control us so that we do not break it off gain. YOU are seeing who he is & his tactics…this is a good place to be…

It is very common for a victim of a narcissist or sociopath to end one abusive relationship and end up right back in a new one…

so it is very very important right now for you to keep education yourself & relay what you read to your relationship.

SO many victims will start to educate themselves then stop but never really understand what the HELL they had just escaped. So keep reading here at Lovefraud.

ALso listen to your gut instinct when meeting people…these types are both men & women.

Good luck at your meet up.

Take care.

[deceivedagain]

yes… i was just recovering from a horrible divorce and so vulnerable when we met. and he was prince charming. now he is my new nightmare. he’s blocked… he blocks me when he dumps me… but i have blocked him.

[Jan7]

Good for you for blocking him…great step to your new Peace & calm life!!

In Steven Hassan’s book he states that the most likely time to be sucked into a cult or domestic abusive relationship is when you have a life change & your guard is down.

Life change = divorce, going off to college, empty nest, new job, moving to a new city etc.

Very good that you see that you were vulnerable & know exactly what the “life change” was for you (divorce).

You are going to survive this nightmare & thrive. One step at a time…the more you read here at love fraud they more you will be able to spot one of these evil people the second you meet one. I read a article once that within 3 secs a human can determine if someone is honest or not. So listen to your gut instinct.

take care.

[deceivedagain]

… i think that one of the most difficult things — and that leads to going back to the abuser narc is that — it is so difficult to stomach or fathom that this person actually did not care. You wants to make excuses for him and or his latest string of abhorrent behavior…. I think I have to sit down and make yet again a list of all the horrible things this person did. But this discard itself is done in each time new such a shocking and unexpected terrible way that it can only be intended to cause the most injury possible and self blame as well. He has gone SO FAR from being the man he pretended when he wooed. His behavior has become worse and worse and he gets away with worse all th etime. He’s a control freak. Interesting : he has NO FRIENDS. no family connections. Not a single friend,. and the guy is 60 years old! What intrigues me is the rage. the rage of the narc. when you call him on his behavior (which now is falling to deplorably unacceptable places — and then he twists the thing around so you are the bad guy (you were having an affair?!??) or he has “legitimate” reason to so believe and so actually, the whole break up is your fault not his. What sort of an evil creep does that? he cannot maintain a relationship even if he wants to because — it takes too much energy to engage in the things that someone does who actually loves and cares. they don’t come naturally because — he is a copier. anyway, enough thought time spent on him. just the energy from recovering it way too much for me to go through again. I will never unblock him.

[Donna Andersen]

deceivedagain – Yes, sounds like you are dealing with a classic sociopath – only interested in power and control. I’m glad you have blocked him. Stay strong.

It is difficult because he lives so close to you. You’ll need to break your attachment to him. We have a webinar coming up that will really help you – check it out:

Webinars on escaping sociopaths, narcissists and relationship abuse

Donna

• This reply was modified 5 years, 5 months ago by Donna Andersen.

[deceivedagain]

Yes, thank you I will. Yes, it is bad — his close proximity to my house. All I have to do is walk out door and can tell if his car is parked if he is home. and: I have a dog so I do walk out there several times a day… In past if feeling low, down, or after a couple glasses of wine, I had gone back there resulting in a new cycle of abuse. I suppose I COULD move. but good rentals around here are hard to find and i’ve got a great place…. I will just stay committed to dumping him out of my life and promising self to never do that again. I’ll check it check it out though. then again. maybe i should move…. then he wouldn’t be able to see me or my car either. it’s sort of a bad situation. I guess its something to consider.

[polestar]

Hi deceivedagain,
You took a huge step in your personal empowerment by first of all even recognizing his patterns of abuse and then taking action by blocking him totally. Good for you! At some point, it is good to get to the place, where we also mentally and psychologically put the creep out of our mind, and get on with our lives. I think though where you are at, it is still important to be able to vent all the frustration and upset that he caused you to have – and to get validation about the experience you went through that feels so confusing ( they try hard to confuse us ). Actually, you will discover that they are not at all that intelligent and the little ploys that they do are really so basic. Its just that our emotions get so upset so that it subjugates our higher reason, and that is the state that they want us to be in – confused and upset. So what I think would be good for you, aside from the wonderful suggestions from the other participants about joining groups, would be to continue with this post stream to tell more and more about your story and about what specifically occurred and then we will give you feedback about it all. That will help to clear out the debris. Let your heart have free expression. Lastly, be sure to always drive or walk the opposite direction from where his house is ( I’m sure that you are already doing this! ), and make it a spiritual practice to not look in the direction of his house either.
Blessings

[Sunnygal]

deceived- You can burn candles to be rid of the bad vibes.

[deceivedagain]

Good ideas. Fortunately, he never spent any time at my place,really. my daughter was living here — she HATED him lol. she said, from the first she met him that all he wanted was somebody to listen to him and to f him lol. from the mouths of babes. she had it right. he hated my (brand new beautiful) couch. he hated my mattress. he was never comfortable in my beautiful apartment with my art and my photos. he never wanted to hear my music. and i play. he would put on his latest songs as soon as i got in the car with him typically. always. loud. bad music. annoying. not fun like you were listening “with” someone. i felt that he was telling me — don’t talk to me — my music is better more important than you. I mean, it never ended. one of our first break ups — valentine’s — supposed to go to hockey game, he got tickets i was very excited we went to dinner first. he made a really sexist bad joke at the bar. I said: “that wasn’t funny” he stormed out and had a fit. how DARE i??? he was so easily offended. our first break up — right before new years eve! ah. he was supposed to take me to a party. dumped. without reason or a word. here’s another funny thing: in the most recent past: he had started saying how he didn’t like me talking during a movie. … this was one of my favorite things to do — just hang out and watch movies. so he had to ruin it. he would become angry and say he was trying to watch the movie. he wouldn’t sit next to me. sat is separate chair. would not look at me. and i wasn’t allowed to talk. and then — he got really angry with me one night because he said that i was LOOKING at him. He thought it was “really creepy” how I would “look” at him from time to time during a movie. ?!?!?!?! hahaha. honest to God. I got up and walked out and he later defended that position. so. i was not supposed to look at him OR speak during a movie. and. he would sit apart from me in his own chair. right. fun huh? the last time I spent the night at his house (this became also less and less frequent, he expected me to walk home and he did not really want to walk me home the short distance so we were seeing each other less and less b/c i wouldn’t do that and i had to be so appreciative if he DID offer to walk me home)…. I asked him for water — he keeps a water jug next to his side of the bed — I could not reach I was thirsty – he got mad and said” what am I your servant?!” then he said “I’m just joking!” but clearly he was not. on vacation one time he degraded me b/c i left the hair from my brush in the toilet and did not flush it. THIS upset him. bu t then he said he was just joking. but i said: it did not sound like a joke…. so: he had started doing the mean joke thing. like: wow. you look really old when you are sleeping. he went from telling me constantly how beautiful i was and wanting my company to this. these are the small things though there are much worse. but you have to also understand that when he wanted to do so he could be the most charming of snakes. i started to observe, and be impressed with, the manner in which he did this with people when he wanted to.
interestingly, however, he has NO close friends. NONE. he is just a pathetic evil creep. I had just started disliking him more and more but — thought I could keep him around as a back up and security of sorts and because — deep down, he really did care?? right? haha — until i got on my feet with new friends. this was a mistake. you cannot mess with a narc. they ALWAYS know how to gain the upper hand and hurt you even if you think you are beyond that. he realized i was becoming strong and so he had to try to damage me. he acts like he has money — dresses really well and spends like water — obsessed with working out — and his appearance — but his place is a really cheap gross apartment no matter how he tried to clean it where I would never live and so I suspect he is not. he loved to take pictures of me. he has a TON of photos of me. i wonder why that is… i will get to the place where i just laugh at his sad and pathetic life. that sounds mean, but really — it’s not. i know him well enough to say that I do not expect him to bother me for at least three to six months to a year. he probably figures I will contact him as i have in past and he can abuse me for that, repeatedly, and then take me back if he feels like it but. I WILL NOT. i had already planned a bunch of trips already without him. and had just recently informed him of that. so of course, I should not be surprised at the rage in the most recent discard. I do need to do some spiritual moves for bond breaking though i would say. anywaythatis just a bit of my ex jerk narc. the really horrible things i have to just write down and keep on remembering the bad and hopefully laugh and heal and forget about it all soon. seriously. i have to laugh. it sucks. but it’s my own fault for going back there. i WILL NOT do that again. (repeat.) why is it i feel guilty for exposing him here? strange. it feels a bit dangerous lol.

[Sunnygal]

deceived- As Gaven DeBecker says in his interview with Oprah, women are socialized to be nice so exposing his disordered behavior doesn’t feel nice but it is necessary for your emotional and psychological survival.

SG

[polestar]

Hi deceivedagain,
Oh wow, what a horrible jerk !!!! That business about his not sitting next to you while watching a video, and making a big deal if you wanted to comment, just to have some connection, and then for telling you that you were doing something creepy by simply looking at him! I guess he should have gotten one of those bubble suits that totally separates you from the environment, so he wouldn’t have to share your oxygen! He needed you to feel invisible, which is what abusive power people really intend for you to feel like. So he comes over with the guise of sharing some time with you and to have some fun together, with his true strategy which was to make you feel all alone and like a nobody. I liked your insight about how he would get into the car and listen to his loud obnoxious music and again act like you weren’t there. Then about his needing to have an image to present to the public – dressing well ( while overspending, I’m sure ), so can take on a persona of someone who has ” class “, while the reality is that he was not able to even appreciate your beautiful apartment. What a hypocrite ! Also, he did the typical love bombing stage at the beginning to put you on a pedestal and continually telling you how beautiful you were, when his real plan was to kick it out from under you. I’m glad that you have trips planned. That will be so good for you to have a change of environment – it will definitely do wonders. Still, as you suggested, doing some bond breaking spiritually will be a great help too. One of the participants, suggested Frazey Ford’s song called ” Done ” – it is powerful and the lyrics convey so much personal power with self love and self respect. My suggestion is ( if you feel so inclined ) to get yourself a little drum and play it to that song – it will relieve anger and bring you power. It is interesting that you feel guilty about ” exposing ” him. Those creeps hate the light and try to make us feel like we are doing something wrong when we gain awareness. It reminds me of that Bluebeard story – Clarissa Pinkola Estes explains the phenomena in her classic book, ” Women Who Run With the Wolves “. Actually, that might be a great book for you while you are going through all of this – it’s empowering and healing ( inexpensive on Amazon if you feel like checking it out ).
Blessings

[deceivedagain]

thank you Polestar.I feelthe realneedto be validated. and you hit it onthe nose what I could not put into words — that he wanted to make me feel invisible,alone and like a nobody!…. Yes! he knew that I wanted companionship and would get lonely and so he made sure that even when we were together I would not feel the warmth of a friend. Jerk. lol. How inhuman how MEAN…. i will check out the song and the book. I am GUESSING actually that he probably has been looking or perhaps is seeing or has a new person on the sly and that this is why he accused me of cheating as an excuse for the latest split. I hope he cannot maintain the facade long this time and that she is smart enough to leave him fast. I just really hope that the next woman sees through him more easily than I bought his act. So when I think of him, I am in my mind physically imaging him as the UGLY PERSON THAT HE IS. it seems to help.
I recall that the first time his mask fell — he had a BAD episode of road rage while we were driving that actually totally stunned me in its violence and force…. RED FLAG. but that was when he was treating me like a queen and flowering me with attention. I WILL BE FINE I WILL MOVE ON I WILL NOT EVER EVER EVER CONTACT HIM AGAIN OR THINK THAT i CAN HANDLE THAT EVIL (repeat.) love you all for your support it means so much.

[deceivedagain]

it was odd.he would STARE at the tv and never ever even look over at me. the last time we went to a movie he did the same. he sat ALL THE WAY OVER on the other side of his seat so that we were not touching nothing. ignored me completely. then when the movie was over — he got up and walked out very quickly without even looking at me or waiting for me or acknowledging my presence. he was gone fromthe theater before I evenmade the aisle. when i became upset he told me how i was being ridiculous and that he was leaving quickly b/c i had told him earlier i had to go to the bathroom. the secondtime he ignored me inthe theater so completely that — i got up and ACTUALLY WALKED OUT and grabbed an uber without even saying i was leaving . haha lol. but i was quite distraught. he called and we got back together anyway b/c i think we had a hiking trip planned that he really needed me for but — we never went to a movie again. so then he decided to use the same tactics while movies at home. to make me feel worthless. what a creep. the last break we had he was telling me how i was mentally ill. i said yes: my mental illness is that i have kept coming back to you. 🙁

[deceivedagain]

I think one of the really scary things about these kinds of people is that: they are such good actors — everybody buys it — and they make you act like the crazy person. you appear like the unstable crazy and nobody believes their hidden side. they think you are nuts! and of course the creep has made you unstable too. while they remain calm and collected carrying on their act to outside appearances and you may be having a nervous breakdown and rightfully so! it’s frightening. not even your family or friends often believe you. the courts, all end up siding with the creep. I hate that.

[polestar]

Hi deceivedagain,
Yes, they do the meanest and most despicable things. There are many ways that people can work out dealing with those kind of behaviors, and often feel vindicated when they seem to be able to ” stand up ” to the swipes and jibes. But the problem is – that type of thinking is a huge trap – the reason is that the ” victim ” puts more and more of their attention, emotions and energy into dealing with the character disordered individual, and they don’t realize that they are actually getting pulled down more and more into someone else’s sickness. So what you said was accurate – that the victim is the one who starts to show emotional imbalance, while the perpetrator looks squeaky clean. Actually, that is how they are able to survive – they need to have someone to be their scapegoat, and ” carry ” their sickness. Your ex is definitely very sick, and did his strategy to get you to feel that you could trust him to love and respect you, and as we saw, then little by little turned the tables and little by little snuck in bits of ugliness. Luckily, you were smart and strong, and called him out on stuff. Those sick people need to have a willing victim – somehow they can’t get the energy they need to feed off if the victim is not complicit. So naturally, he will be out to try to find someone else who will not catch on. In any case, the bottom line is that you were seeking love and he twisted things to such a large degree that as I said, caused you to focus so much on him ( and who wouldn’t with all that bazaar behavior that would leave anyone feeling absolutely perplexed !), and so it turns out that instead of love, there is him and his rot everywhere. So to proceed with what I started out discussing, – it is no matter if a person wins or looses in regards to the psycho – just by engaging with them at all is the loss. We can never find the love that we seek from or with them ( it seems obvious, but when we’re in it somehow we keep trying ???). The sooner we can put our attention elsewhere, the sooner we can heal all the hurts in our heart. I mentioned before that I felt you were at the stage still that you needed to be away from him, and yet not cut off the ” debriefing ” thoughts and feelings. We do need to get through them while having the guidance of understanding what went on. That actually is a form of love because when we are validated we do feel loved. That is why all the books about psychological abuse that are becoming so prevalent now coming are so important. The whole scene that you described about going to the movies and how he just got up without acknowledging your presence is exactly what I am talking about. It leaves the mind in such a confused and unstable state because that behavior is CRAZY – your mind has no where to file it! A good technique though, is to think through a scenario that would not be crazy making. Like you would think and really use the technique of imaging – ” hum …normal people get up and walk out of a movie together, and are sharing that whole experience and enjoy discussing the movie together with a snack or at a coffee shop afterwards … ” and then you would imagine that or some similar type of scenario. I think its an amazing technique because the sick person then can’t rob you of your perspective and your inner beauty, because it becomes clear that it is them and not you. Anyway, you are doing just great! You got away from him and have gone No Contact! By the way, Jan7 ( participant who replied to you ) recommended Steven Hassan’s book. I just got it because of her recommendation to you ( The one I got was his latest , I think, ” Freedom of Mind ” ) and have just started to read it. It focuses on freedom from cults, but does explain how the same mind control techniques are used in personal abusive relationships. It is totally applicable and so useful to give us our freedom !
Blessings

[Author]

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