New here and hopeing for an end

[ridgid]

Apologies if this is the wrong place to post this.
I have recently had an encounter with a sociopath from my past.
10 years ago, I met her and my life has never been the same.
After 3 years of no contact, she wormed her way back into my life
through a family member. I reluctantly met with her, she seemed
to have genuinely changed.
We spent some time together, after a month or so I was convinced
she had grown out of the nonsense from our past. 3 months in and
things seemed to be going great.
Out of the blue last week she went back to her ways and needless
to say here I am looking for advice and hoping to help others in some
way.
I think this just goes to show how cunning these people can be, she
has hurt me horribly in our past and I don’t consider myself foolish
although I certainly was for her. I will attempt to write a full account of my encounter if it will somehow help anyone to spot or deal with
their own.
Thanks and glad to meet everyone!

[Donna Andersen]

ridgid – Welcome to Lovefraud, although I’m sorry for the experience that brought you here.

Sociopaths are able to maintain a charade of normalcy as long as it suits their purpose. So she hadn’t really changed, but pretended that she had changed — until she stopped pretending.

She will never be able to authentically change, so your best bet is to cut her out of your life.

Feel free to post more of your story if you want.

[ridgid]

I have known her for a long time, we both live in a very small town.
I don’t go to the bars or anywhere really for fear of crossing her path.
The longest I have went no contact with her is 3 years and that was just recently broken 4 months ago. I had asked her to not contact me again and
she didn’t. I got a text from my niece who she is friends with saying that she had been asking about me and felt she needed to talk. So.. I caved and I texted her.
The last 4 months felt great being with her. She wanted to go slowly so we did. We seen each other a few times during the week and every other weekend we spent time togeher. The sex, the passion all seemed to be as it was years ago. The one thing that bothered me was we would have a good weekend together and the next day she would have 2 or 3 very negitive quotes posted on Facebook. When i asked about the one that seemed directed at me she said it was because of her sister.

I pick wild flowers for her everyday, when I can’t see her to give them to her I sent her a picture of them. I am also a blacksmith and made her rose’s from steel so they would last forever. She had photos of the roses and the wild flowers on her Facebook page. Last week, she was away with her son. I missed her, went to her FB page hoping she posted photos of them. Well, all of the photos of the flowers were gone. Anything that had anything to do with me was gone. I sent her a text early sat morning asking what was up her removing the photos. She went postal on me, saying she couldnt believe I would start something with her while she was with her son and that she often removed photos and replaced them. So.. ok forget it then but it didn’t stop there. She started to rant that I was pushing her into a relationship when honest to god I had not done anything of the sort. She wouldnt talk to me until this Monday and it was
just a huge fight over this idea of me pushing her somehow. The person I was talking to was not the person I had seen the week before. She was outraged and I could not reason with her over anything. When I asked for an example of how I was pushing her she had none, only that she felt I was and said she wanted time alone. I know her, I know that voice. Time alone to her means time alone with the new guy she found. I pretty much begged her not to do this again and that got turned into me not caring about what she felt. We have not spoke since, It’s torn my dam heart out, I think this time worse than any before. I don’t sleep, I don’t eat and if do dose off I wake up in anger.
Weather it’s rational or not, I contacted a real-estate and I am listing my 2 homes and land. I have lived and worked here my entire life but there is an over whelming want to just leave. I know it is my fault for even trying with her. We have a ten year past, she’s been in my mind since the day I met her and I have not been able to have a relationship with an other women. I tried and felt nothing for them. I feel as if somehow her sickness has been passed into me, like I can’t love anyone but her.
Sorry so lengthy

[shescomeundone]

Ridgid,
In many ways, your story rings true for me. Especially the last bit about not loving anyone but her. I was in an 8 year on and off relationship with my X SP. We broke up 3 years ago. We did text briefly last year when dealing with Huricane Harvey but I resolved not to start back up with him. He was clearly involved with his latest target and i got the feeling things were probably not going so smoothly or why would he reach out to me? Anyway we live only about 30 minutes apart and I too have avoided places I might run into him. I have not dated in the 3 years we’ve been apart for the same reason… I’m not interested. It’s so hard to view someone normal as “attractive” or “interesting” or “exciting” or “sexy” after you’ve experienced a love bombing sociopath who is all those things and more. Yes, he was horrible too. And mean and selfish. I’ve learned a lot here at love fraud, other sites, books, etc. And it has helped me tremendously with the addiction and obsessive thoughts. I often wonder if he hasn’t ruined me for any man. That I now see everyone as a future heartbreak and I keep my distance on purpose rather than jump all in. But I’m working through those feelings and I do think of him less often.
Im sure her sickness hasnt rubbed off on you. You’re greiving, and it will get better. Keep reading, keep venting, keep NO CONTACT. Everyone here understands and has similar thoughts and fears. You have support here. It’s a great community!

[ridgid]

Thank you for your reply undone. If I can compare my sex life with the sociopath to that of driving a car, She was like driving a Ferrari and when I did try to have sex with a normal person it was like putting my foot to the floor of a mini van. No matter how hard I try, the van isn’t ever going to handle or provide the excitment of the Ferrari.

[shescomeundone]

I believe the sex thing serves 2 purposes for them. First, SPs have a higher level of testosterone, females as well, and getting sex is one of their biggest goals along with power, money, and control. And they are good at it because they have sex often. Since they don’t feel the way you and I do, they’ve learned to judge our reaction to certain acts and use those against us by giving and withholding those things we like best.
My SPs ultimate goal was to get his hooks in me so that i could give him the “cover” he needed in his professional life. He was 40something, unmarried, unattached, had a well decorated and spotlessly clean house and people assumed he was gay. That didn’t bode well working with a bunch of good Ole boys. Rather than say… hey I’m a confirmed Batchelor who gets all the women I ever wanted…he picked me to be his cover. I like sex and he figured that out very early in the relationship and used it to hook me. I was addicted to him. I was also cheated on and belittled and lied to and depressed.
At this point in my life, I’d like a minivan. In time i could probably get that minivan to do donuts and take corners on two wheels.
Work on getting you mind and body and spirit to a place of peace, then see if you’re still interested in the fast car. Thats just instant gratification and addiction. My wish for your future happiness is that you decide to take your time cultivating what could be great sex eventually, because it will be with a loving person who isn’t out to hurt or use you.

[ridgid]

Good advice and I will do my best to really know the next person I get involved with. I knew this women had a history of horribly failed relationships. You want to give a person in your life the benefit of the doubt, so I bought into all of the stories of how bad a person or what a looser the other guys were. I listened to her, what the other guys did wrong I tried to do right. I find it ironic that in the end this time she use’s that very fact against me. Somehow listening to her and trying to do things for her to make her life better turned into me pushing her into something she wasn’t ready for. Somehow me telling her to go spend time with her friends turned into me being controlling. I think that in it’s self has made this so very frustrating to me. That she used good things I tried to do for against me because she had nothing else.

[shescomeundone]

There are several forum items you should read. Do a search on Moving the goal posts. Try as we might, we can’t please a disordered person. Their latest demands or acussations are meant to keep you off balance. Someone once wrote that no matter how far she bent over backwards, she got kicked mid-bend. Sounds like your x did a pity play on you, to get you to be her hero, and after she got bored, it all became your fault. I don’t mean that to sound harsh or cruel. It’s their game and many have fallen victim to it. One lady asked if they all have a secret rule book because they all seem do the same thing. Attract, demean, discard. Read read read forum items here, as well as interviews and webinars Donna has to offer, and glean from others’ experiences. You’ll find many echo your own. And vent if you need to. It’s all good. And through it all, you will be able to make sense of your story, forgive yourself for playing into her hand and figure out your next step.

[ridgid]

Many thanks for all of your support here, I am glad I ran across this site as it’s been so helpful. I could write a book if I told the entire history of this. I have been involved with her off and on for 10 years, several of those she was married. To give you a clue, less than week after her wedding she was at my home, I’m not proud of that but it is the truth.

[empath1965]

You need to find a therapist to help you work through the addiction. I had a Ferrari too but would have traded it in inna heart beat for a mini van versus enduring a 5 year relationship with my sp. When two people truly connect with one another I truly believe they could sexually please one another far more than the FAKE manipulative sexual play of a sp. It is meaningless despite how exciting it is. It would never be anything other than that.
Sex is utilitarian to a sociopath.

• This reply was modified 6 years, 10 months ago by empath1965.

[ridgid]

Going to a therapist is not an option empath, I am self employed and no insurance to cover that. I will have to sort this out on my own. I have been reading all I can, the more I learn the better I feel. I just want to get back to normal and get as far away from her as I can.

[Sunnygal]

you can learn alot here. sandra brown’s saferelatioshipmagazine is also good.

[ridgid]

I have decided to treat this like everything else in my life. From a young age I was taught to see the good in any situation, make the best of it.

Personally, one good thing to come out of this was knowledge. I’m certain that if another person attempts to play me that I will see it way before I did this one.

Secondly, I learned some amazing love making and romtanic skills to share with a future partner that can honestly care.

If anyone else can think of a positive please post it here and let’s compile a list of good out of the bad.

[empath1965]

Rigid, that is some post. Like you, I try to see the good even in the bad. In this case, a lesson to be learned from the anguish. The biggest “good” in this was it being a message to my soul to love myself much more and to establish boundaries in my life instead of trying to be loving and kind all the time then get taken advantage of-WISDOM. THAT is my take away. No more blind trust despite the charming persona, the professed love, wtf. As far as his sexual “gifts” screw that, I was great and comfortable with it before I met that jackass. The only thing he impressed me was his frequency which I am certain was drug dependent not his own actual prowess. F him. Boundaries-that is a sociopath’s greatest gift-never allow a boundary to be crossed without significant and consistent irrefutable proof that someone is effin legit.

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