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Hi Everyone,
I’m ShellyBelle. Uh, I’m posting here because I know I need to make a change in my life & this is my public declaration of change.
I’ve been married to my husband for a little over 2 years, and we’ve been together for 5 1/2 years. I’m not really sure where to start telling my story. I am keeping all of this secret from my husband & my teenage children. He is not their father. Their father is in another state, and he is active in their life.
This is one of my few outlets to discuss my situation, as I’m very isolated. I guess that is where I will start. It sucks. My husband is extremely controlling. If it’s not his idea, it doesn’t exist. He basically refuses to make any attempt to socialize outside of his small circle of friends. Therefore, I don’t really have any friends. I don’t care to socialize with his friends, because there is a lot of alcohol. I’m not a drinker. I don’t have a lot in common with them. They were all co-workers at some point, and I have never worked with them. He still expects me to join him for these social functions, eventhough he knows I’m uncomfortable. I usually refuse to go & he’s always mad at me for it. He’d never go to an event or occassion with my friends or with my interests though. He’ll refuse invitations right to someones face. He has no clue how rude that is! He’s said:”I’m exetremely anti-social!”
So here I am!It’s impossible to have any discussion with my husband, as it will just end up going in circles. That circle is comprised of all of my wrong doings and short comings. I can’t even remember some of these things he claims I’ve said! Sometimes, I wonder if we’re even having the same conversation? He says that there are 2 people, Happy Me & Angry Me! Happy Me loves him, and Angry Me, hates him. Uh! I’m pretty sure that is gaslighting? I’m not allowed to express any negitive feelings, ill health, or dissatifaction! If I’m critical of him in any way, I don’t appreciate him!
There is so much more to this story. I’ve vacillated at the edge of getting out for about 4 years now, sadly. I can’t live like this anymore. I’m about 5 months shy of my 50th birthday & I don’t want to spend my birthday how he thinks I should!
My kids are teenagers & I want them to see me overcome this. I don’t want this to happen to them.
I’m grateful for this site & it’s resources, it’s very helpful. -
Shellybelle – I am so sorry for your situation. Your husband’s behavior that you described is typical of sociopathic behavior – especially since he is controlling and blaming. At the very least, he is a lousy partner. At the worst, he could be disordered.
Please know this: He will not change and it will not get better. The sooner you get away from him, the sooner you can rebuild your life.
We have lots of information here on Lovefraud and in our webinars about escaping a sociopath. The key is to make the decision to do it.
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Shellybelle – You are taking exactly the right approach. Do not let him know your plans. If he catches any hint that you are thinking of making a break, his treatment of you will become much worse. Also, if there are any financial records or other documents you need, they will likely disappear. Keep acting the way you have been acting until you are ready to make a break.
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Donna is right. Keep your plans secret.
SG
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Shellybelle, my ex husband was the same…never allowed me to speak my feelings, or when I was sick he would not even bring me a glass of water or make a doctors appointment. Remember they do not want their victims “feeling” anything…because if you feel..you will want to escape…just like you are planning! They want us left dependent on them for everything especially depended on them to think for us.
You are breaking your mind free!! 👏This is a huge step! another huge step is searching for answers and posting here at Lovefraud. Donna (Anderson) site create has created a amazing library full of information for you to break your mind free fully & also created a safe haven for all of us to lift each other up. I am so proud of you for the steps you have taken.
Donna is absolutely correct…you must not let him know you are escaping his grips. This is not easy.
YOU MUST BIT YOUR TONGUE AND AVOID ALL ARGUMENTS WITH HIM
…this is not easily. Especially DO NOT TELL him that he is disordered. You do not want him getting violent with you or your children.
Where do you start?
You just did by posting here at Lovefraud!! Great JOB!!
If you go to the top of Lovefraud you can look under the “Talk to Donna” red tab and speak with her for a small fee. She also has a new YOU TUBE channel where she has a talk each Tuesday (?) where you can post questions & also others will be posting in the comment section too.
BE SURE TO ALWAYS CLEAR YOUR COMPUTER HISTORY EACH TIME FOR YOUR SAFETY!
What else can you do?
Go to your local abuse center for free counseling & free women group meeting. Also you can get help with a DOMESTIC ABUSE SAFETY & EXIT PLAN out of your marriage. This is imperative to get help out.
Tell your most trusted friends and family what is really going on in your marriage & that you need their help & support out. Do not be embarrassed to ask for their help out or support. They no doubt have seen signs that things are not good and will help.
Start keeping a journal of the things that he has done to you…if you work leave the journal at work for your safety. If not, go to a trust friends/family home to work on that or hide it in the home. This you can use in court papers. Ask trusted friends & family to keep a journal of what you tell them. This too can be used in court if necessary.
Start looking for a lawyer that understands abuse. Your local abuse center may have so names. Not all lawyers will get it…and they may take advantage of you so beware & know that it’s ok to fire a lawyer.
Get into individual counseling without your husband knowing. If this is to difficult to hide then maybe a counselors will do phone counseling with you when your husband is not at home but you will need to hide phone bill or purchase a phone at walmart that you buy phone cards for.
You need to hide everything that you are doing to escape from him. Start also putting some cash away. Your local abuse center can help you with this plan. You need to have all your ducks in a row before you serve him divorce papers or move out or what ever you are planing (try to get him to move if that is the plan).
you can call your National domestic violence hotline (USA 800-799-SAFE) to talk with a free counselor & also to get local numbers & help with a domestic abuse exit & safety plan (google this too see videos on you tube & info on the net).
Remember also the most Dangerous time for a woman in a abusive relationship is when she is about to leave or has just left. SO this is why it is so imperative to get help out.
I’m so proud of you for all the steps you have taken. You should be too. It’s not easy to put up with the day to day craziness, chaos, drama & mental & emotional abuse they inflect to control their victim. SO you should be very proud of surviving his daily tornado. When you are doing the things above you have to make sure you are not making to many out of normal day routine changes that he will see. He might see this and start to Lovebomb you back into the relationship or get physical abuse with you.
Last, take care of your health. You have been under a tremendous amount of stress and when you are stressed it is hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel or the door out of the relationship. I would recommend that you look up symptoms of Adrenal fatigue on sites like Adrenal fatigue. org and Dr Lam and also google. Also look up the free documentary called “Super Juice me”. Check with a doctor first..the type of doctor that deals with the adrenal glands is an Endocrinologist. I suffered from this during my marriage & when I escaped I was lucky enough that a friend gave me a doctors number to get my health back in order.
Sending you huge hugs to you 💜💜💜Once you are out..you will never want to go back to him. It’s scary to get to that point & stressful. SO dont do it on your own. You are stronger then you know 👏💪💚
Wishing you all the best. Keep posting here asking questions, venting & reading 🌷
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Shellybelle, you are so welcome. One another support site, the site created asked the question “Were you sick during the time with the sociopath?”. Over 400 victims stated YES! Not before meeting them but during the time with the sociapath their they ended up with multiple healthy issues & also went from doctor to doctor without a proper diagnosis. They listed symptoms which were all Adrenal fatigue symptoms…the top were anxiety, depression (which go hand in hand), sleep issues, mood issues, racing mind, brain fog etc. So you believe that you are recovering adrenal fatigue is most likely correct.
I think abusers narcissist & sociopath narcissist know instinctively to create stress because it causes their victims to become quickly dependent on them. Counselors will tell you that a victim of these evil people suffer from PTSD (my counselor told me this).
With my own experience & finding a very astute doctor (I did not tell him I just escaped from a abuser) I was able to get help & have a health issue diagnosis = adrenal fatigue. I also, believe that the missing link to healing PTSD is healing your adrenal glands. (I’m not a doctor, but, this is how I feel).
You should be so proud of yourself for losing so much weight. Amazing!! Donna has some articles on the fact that victims during the relationship or when they leave their abuser try to cope with the stress & the emotions that percolate up by turning to food, drugs or alcohol. Do a search on this up at the top of LF.
So, this is just part of your healing process with the abuse you are enduring daily. Coping with the stress you are under. You might not even realize right now how much stress you are under because it has become the new “normal”. But, when you do especial & have time to heal you will find that you are much more relaxed & can actually think.
I too started to stress eat during & after. During my marriage I gained about 20 pounds which does not sound a lot but, I was always very thin naturally & I’m short so this was a lot of pounds. He would keep saying “I’M hungry” over & over during the marriage but, now I believe that it was a means to brain wash me literally into eating more.
I never had any eating disorders just eat good clean food so this I think he want to break me from a very healthy life style of eating good & exercising. When I did switch back to my good clean diet & exercise & dropped the weight he never once complimented me or said any sex things like most husbands would have. (He at this time was having an affair with a co worker so he wanted to control me from leaving or gaining any confidence back).
He did the same with others so much so that they would bring food along on a short road trip or if he visited their home they always catered to him = he had control over people this way…he loved it…loved to have everyone running around catering to him like he was some king. Makes me sick now that I feel into that trap, every once in a while I would just say screw him & would not do the kind acts you would normally do for a love one or husband. My mind was seeing the truth & attempting to break free from his mind control (brain washing that is what they do to control others).
Check out also, “Jason vale juicing you tube”. With adrenal fatigue my doctor flooded my body with much needed adrenal vitamins…he gave me Dr Wilson’s adrenal vitamins two bottles one was just B-Complex a good quality one and the other not sure but, you can find adrenal vitimins in a good health food store. My doctor had me take them 4 times a day.
1 am, 2 at noon, 1 at 2 pm and 1 before bedtime. He also gave me a prescription pill of natural not man made synthetic progesterone hormone because of the anxiety I was suffering from. Progesterone is a natural relaxer.
I would recommend that you check out Adrenal fatigue . org website and read up on “Cortisol test” and get this test along with vitamin & mineral deficiency, hormonal imbalance, thyroid T3 & T4 etc With an very knowledgable Endocrinologist doctor. If you can keep this visit from your husband (just tell your most trusted family & friends). Because if he sees that you are trying to get to healthy it he might try to manipulate you not to get healthy to have control over you. This is how they think. They want us over weight or sick so that they can cheat & and their friends think it’s ok for him to do this or other things they have been up to in their double life.
your local library may have books on adrenal fatigue & Dr Lam & Dr Wilson both have books.
You are doing so many amazing things to get your life in order!! You should be so proud of yourself. When you are with a sociopath you are just trying to survive & live becomes very difficult & exhausting very quickly because of their craziness. So that fact that you are trying to fight hard to get strong again mentally & physically is powerful!! Pat your self on the back!! VERY proud moments for you.
Forget to add: IF you have thyroid issues then you defiantly have adrenal fatigue issues . According to Dr Wilson’s book if you have thyroid issues you have adrenal gland issues. And you must heal your adrenal gland issues first so that you do not damage your thyroid issue.
I also went to Dr Fuhrman to heal my body naturally (aside from what I posted above with vitamins & progesterone). He put me on a vegan diet (I’ll post below this comment)his book is Eat to live and his other book is Super Immunity. Right now you need to build your immune system back up. Also check out Dr Amen’s books (If you are in the USA they will definitely be at your local library). Both of these doctors have many you tube videos which are worth watching. Google also “Dr Amen Ted talk depression”.
Take care.
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Dr Fuhrman diet for me to flood my body with much needed vitamin & minerals.
Breakfast:
Veggie juice with celery, spinach, beets, carrots, lemon, parsley, fresh ginger
(See Jason Vale Juicing you tube…he has many recipes on there & he uses both a blender and juicer. I bought a cheap juicer at walmart Hamilton for $30. It’s loud but gets the job done….I cut/wash all my veggies then put them in tupper ware to juice quickly & you can make the juice the night before. there are a lot of “prepping for juicing video on you tube”.
Lunch:
Vegen soup with lots of veggies & a large salad no dressing just lemon juice squeezed on it.
Dinner:
Blend in a food processor 1/2 banana, 1/2 green apple, 1/2 avocado, 1 cup of spinach & 1 cup of romance lettuces (this was my favorite)
Also, steamed veggies (no corn or carrots = sugar).
Within 10 days I was feeling shockingly better within a month I felt like I had the energy of a 16 year old. IT worked that fast. But, you can also look at his book Eat to live for more options. But, juicing really does flood the body quickly with vitamins & minerals which are much needed if you are suffering from Adrenal fatigue.
On you tube there are many of Dr Fuhrman’s Eat to live supporters who have tried his methods with great cooking videos just do a search.
If you dont want to go vegan you might want to look into Keto Diet & then just add in veggie juicing everyday. Dr Berg you tube and Dr Mindy Pelz you tube channels are great. Dr Berg suggest 7 to 8 cups of veggies everyday. I find that it’s easily to juice these.
(But, I’m sure since you are an exercise instructor that you know all of this.)
Keep making steps to your freedom. So far you are doing amazing steps to get out!!
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