OMG not again!

[Fitzo]

Hi all,

I really thought I was done with these toxic people but now I think I might have let in another one. I am freaking myself out.
I had decided I was done with relationships six years ago after my last narcissist and have managed to maintain that quite successfully until now.
This guy is a tradesman who has been working at my house. He is also a recent neighbour and lives across the street from me. All the better to spy on me of course.
I’ve had previous relationships with two sociopaths, at least one narc and a borderline. My mother was also a narc. So, of course I’m the perfect target for these people.
It all began innocently enough. I leave plants outside my house if I think other people can use them in their own garden. It was right at the start of Covid lockdown when you couldn’t buy toilet paper for love or money. He took a plant and brought me two rolls of toilet paper as a thankyou. Naturally, I found this highly amusing and rather sweet.

Then I asked him to quote a job for me painting my house. I was waiting til after I got a new garage door to pin down a colour scheme. After I got the new door, he sent me a message asking if he could pressure wash my driveway for free, just being neighbourly. I am considerably older than he is and didn’t feel like this was a romantic overture, just being a nice guy.
He comes across as very self effacing, no ego and could easily be taken advantage of by others. A people pleaser type. Zero red flags at this point. He lives with his partner and adult daughter and her boyfriend.

We agree eventually on him doing my job, price etc. Then he keeps coming up with excuses to delay starting the job. I put this down to probably not very good time managaement, and a tendency to take on more than he can comfortably achieve, plus he tells me has has had to fire a couple of employees who failed to meet his very high standards.

Eventually the day arrives that he has said he is definitely starting work and he’s a no show. I know he is at home because I can see his vehicle from my place. Eventually, I message him and ask if he is coming, and he apologises and tells me his mother died that morning. Naturally I am full of sympathy and say take as long as you need.

When he finally shows up a few days later I ask if he’s ok and he says he is because he has been distanced from his mother for quite a long time. This of course, starts a whole conversation about hurtful parents and my own story about my mother, who also died recently. Suddenly the whole dynamic of the relationship becomes a lot more intimate and we seem to have this powerful connection. Over the course of the next few days I discover that his father only died a few weeks earlier as well, (who he WAS very close to) he was actually adopted, he has become aware his partner of 33 years is having an affair with his former best friend but they have not actually confronted the issue, and then he turns up completely distraught because his dog has been attacked and almost died from her injuries and his partner was also injured requiring surgery as well!!! Of course my empathy buttons are being pushed big time. Turns out he was a teenage father, has only ever had the one partner and (he claims) only the one sexual partner as well. I’m falling over myself trying to be supportive, offering advice and trying to help in any way I can. I do visit their house to offer reiki to the dog and to his partner whom I have never met previously. So I know that (at least) the dog attack story is definitely true. Of course he is sooo grateful to me, I’m amazing, he felt a powerful connection to me before he even met me and feels we were destined to meet, he is very spiritual and ‘sees’ through people’s facades etc.etc. Suddenly the atmosphere becomes supercharged, the job ends up taking waaaay longer than it should have, in no time at all he’s had it out with his partner, their relationship is over and I’m getting a daily update about how the whole thing is playing out. Needless to say I’ve never experienced anything quite like this before. I seem to be the only person he is confiding in and am constantly amazed he hasn’t completely fallen apart. He assures me of course that it is only my support that is saving him and he is eternally grateful to me and I’m the most amazing person he’s ever met. There have also been initially very subtle and increasingly less subtle compliments on my appearance etc. but always framed in a “hope you don’t mind me saying” and I’m sorry I really have no filter and just speak my mind, self effacing kind of way.

I have huge anxiety issues and have explained this to him, but he is super understanding and supportive etc. Within about three weeks, he is now madly in love with me and planning our future together. I have been trying, not very successfully, to maintain a more reserved stance and constantly voicing the many problems/issues/obstacles I see if we were to go down that path but he knows I’m wavering. The intensity and energy around this has been like nothing I have experienced before and he claims it’s the same for him. Of course, I have experienced the whole love bombing thing before so this feels very familiar and is the main reason my radar is suddenly making me look for the red flags.

On the face of it if I’m objective, I shouldn’t even be doubting that he has to be a sociopath.
BUT, where I’m confused is there appears to be no ego. Right before any of this started he did seek help from a psychologist and did go three times. The psychologist felt after three sessions that he couldn’t really help him because he was too ‘deep’ and he was not really trained to help someone like him. He appeared to be upset by this and has since made an appointment to see someone else, but there is a waiting list. He also appears to have really high moral standards, for not only himself but others and also appears to have been in only this one relationship in 33 years. He also appears to have empathy for others, loves animals, a highly developed sense of injustice, loves his kids and grandchild and does not show any sign of feeling entitled. He claims he still cares for his partner and always will, but she has betrayed his trust so there is no going back under any circumstances. He also freely says sorry, highly values his reputation and integrity and shows no sign of any criminal or unlawful activity. Very rarely displays anger, and certainly not uncontrolled anger even when quite justified. As in the case of the owners of the other dog who show no signs of attempting to pay for the considerable costs of the vet and medical bills.

So am I dealing with the most covert sociopath I’ve ever met or is he really my soulmate? I just don’t know what to do or think.

[polestar]

Hi fitzo – I had a sort of similar experience – I moved to a new home in a new state, so I had no numbers in my “ roll a dex “, so asked my neighbor if he knew a handyman that I could hire for a few jobs that I needed. Well, he actually built an overhang for my firewood for free ( his labor ) and did some other fix it things for me for free. I thought he was one of the nicest people ever ( plus he was attractive! ) We had some good conversations etc., but then I just cut it off at that, though it seemed that he would have been interested in more. I, like you, had enough prior problem relationships, and ( aside from in no way being ready for a relationship), I knew that getting involved with a neighbor only spelled big time trouble. I realized if something “ went south “ ( or whatever that term is ), and if the relationship didn’t work out for whatever reason, and especially if there were bad feelings, I would be stuck with him still as my neighbor and he would be right there. It is the same phenomenon as the rule not to get involved with someone who you work with. It is just not wise. Plus you really don’t know how much of what he has told you that could be complete lies, and I don’t feel good about the way that he didn’t do the job when he said he would. I don’t even hire anyone again who does that. Anyway, I would thank him for the work that he has done for you and tell him that you sympathize with what he is going through, but that you are still working on your own issues, and don’t have the energy to give him the support that he needs with his breakup. Another neighbor of mine wanted me to come over, and I told her that I couldn’t because of the Corona virus situation. So that is another excuse you could give to him. If he reminds you that you have been over already, you could say that you now realize that it was a mistake to do so and you need to be precautious because people can get infected at any time. Perhaps other participants may have better advise with how to stop the involvement that has proceeded thus far. I tend to be maybe a bit too kind and less direct than is sometimes the best. But bottom line, it is my strong opinion that it would be a huge mistake to get involved with a neighbor.
Blessings

[Fitzo]

Thanks Polestar for your reply and advice. However the real issue here has nothing to do with his being a neighbour because he is already in the process of moving out now that his partner’s relationship is out in the open. It is really all about whether he is or is not a sociopath. My gut tells me he probably is, even though he doesn’t seem to fit all the usual criteria. There have just been too many red flags for me to ignore and if I was to listen to my own advice I would say that if it seems to be too good to be true – it usually is! As much as I might try and convince myself otherwise 🙁

• This reply was modified 4 years, 7 months ago by Fitzo.

[emilie18]

Fitzo – Listen to your gut. Your subconscious is SO much better at reading subtle signs than your brain. Your brain will find every reason to discount, overlook, excuse and subvert your gut feelings because that is what we have been conditioned and taught to do. How many times have you heard “You are overreacting.” “You misread that.” “Give him a second chance.” And then, much later, to your regret, you realized that you were NOT overreacting, misreading and he did not deserve a second chance? Yep – me too. Maybe he IS just a sweet, needy, hurting, inexperienced guy – or maybe not. You have been there before and you know what the aftermath looks and feels like and, honestly – do you want to do that again? If he is a good one, time will prove it. If he is not then you have dodged a bullet. So I think you are right in wanting to step away. If you have to, tell him you have been exposed to Covid19. Kinda nice that we now have the perfect excuse to NOT see someone! I vote for your gut. Blessings to you.

[Fitzo]

Emilie18-yup! Thanks I know you’re right. It just hurts so much to realise you’ve been a gullible fool yet again. The worst part is I opened my heart and let down my barriers and felt soft and vulnerable in a way I’ve NEVER done before in my whole life. And it felt good. I was actually starting to genuinely like the person I was becoming and he knew all that. He is working away for about a week but I can’t not see him again because for one thing he hasn’t completely finished my painting. But he’s extremely intuitive and already knows that I’ve changed the way I see him. And he’s just stopped communicating completely after love bombing me constantly for the past month. My stomach is churning constantly, and already a chronic insomniac I’m getting zero sleep unless I drug myself to the eyeballs. Last year was the year from hell leading up to my mother’s death and the aftermath from that. I just so did not need this to come into my life at this time. 🙁

[polestar]

Hi Fitzo -oh, I understand now that his being a neighbor is soon to change. But anyway, you have your answer about who he really is by his sudden non-communication. Regardless if he is intuitive, that is no excuse for suddenly not communicating with you even if it is about how he feels you have changed and to ask you if that is true etc. and discussing the issue and for him to just leave you with a churning stomach. Thank heavens it did not go any further, so you are not suffering with a broken heart. It would be interesting to have a talk with his ex – but I’m just saying that – really it would be very unwise. I just mean that many realizations would come from her perspective, but as I said, best just to drop the entanglement. I’m sorry that he is still painting your house. It will be a temptation to bring him out a lemonade and have friendly talks or something like that which could lead you back into cognitive dissonance and wondering if he could be a really nice guy after all, or if he isn’t. Please be careful to keep your distance from him in every way. Anyway, as I said, it was great that he has shown his true colors so blatantly now.
blessings

[freeatlast]

Hi Fitzo,
I 100% agree with what the others are swaying – this is not a wise entanglement. The obvious red flags are the love bombing, and the sudden silence. Also your own gut feeling! Huge red flags – proceed at your own peril!! (ie don’t proceed!). The less obvious red flags are the things such as not showing up at your house to do the job – like polestar I wouldn’t have anything further to do with a tradesman who did that. Why cajole someone into doing a paid job for you? There is something wrong with that. And funnily enough, all the “mr nice guy” stuff is a less obvious red flag too. To be brutally honest, he sounds just like my narc ex. He was/is the nicest guy. He’s a spiritual leader with a fairly large following. He is so empathic and always there to help and support others (or at least, this is all the mask). He is self-effacing and humble. He talks about his faults. he is kind, caring and considerate. And then when the mask comes off he is an utter b****rd. He is cruel, cold, uncaring and emotionally vicious. I was treated worse than a dog by him. So, I personally don’t buy the “nice guy” image. There is a saying that goes “show, don’t tell.” If he is a nice guy, then he shouldn’t be telling you about it. It should become apparent through his behaviour to you. Nice guys don’t not show up for work – they at the very least send you a message to say why they can’t show up, because this shows consideration for you. Nice guys don’t suddenly stop communicating after an intense love-bombing phase. Nice guys would be concerned about how you would feel if they suddenly changed like this. He is not a nice guy. The nice, humble guy is a total mask. Yes, narcs can pull off a humble, sweet, kind, ethical, self-effacing, caring, empathic mask. I have the scars of 20 years to show for it.
Finally, if I were you, I would definitely do what the others are suggesting and make an excuse to not have him finish your job. I would tread very carefully (if he’s a narc you don’t want to upset him) and say you’re feeling unwell…. basically do to him what he did to you – keep putting it off until he gets the hint, and keep all communications as brief as possible.
I’m so sorry you got into this mess, but luckily, not so deeply that you can escape now with a few bruises rather than the deep scars you’d be dealing with if this went on for much longer.
I’ve been writing out my own story in a journal, as a kind of therapy for me, and putting a big red box around the things that were the red flags. There were so many red flags and I ignored them ALL because of how “nice” he was, and because of how highly he was viewed within the community that he was leading. To my great cost…
Good luck with this!

[Donna Andersen]

Fitzo – I echo what others have said – trust your instincts. Also, it sounds like this entanglement didn’t last very long, so you should be proud of yourself for catching on quickly. We are going to run into disordered people – there are simply too many of them out there. The best we can hope for is to spot them relatively quickly and then escape. Sometimes the Universe sends us a test, and I think you passed.

You also might want to find someone else to finish the painting. He will drag the job out as long as it suits him, in order to keep a hook in you. If you costs you some extra money, it may be a small price to pay.

[Sunnygal]

Fitzo- Donna is right. get someone else to finish the job.

SG

[Fitzo]

Thanks everyone for all your advice. He has resumed communication but it has been fluctuating wildly between criticising me for ‘lecturing and judging him’ and more love bombing. Also I discover he has been staying up all night working, 30 hours straight yesterday before sleeping for about 3 or 4 hours. I am beginning to wonder if he is taking some kind of drug? Now it seems to be back to giving me the silent treatment last few hours. Seems like his behavior is becoming more erratic and extreme. He will still be away for at least another 5 or 6 days. Getting someone else to finish my painting will not be easy as there is only a small amount to do, but he has my paint and the colour cannot be replicated as it was a special formula not available straight off the shelf. Additionally he has left equipment here as well. It looks like it’s going to get messy at the end but I am now in no doubt that he is definitely disordered and almost manic at the moment. He feels close to a breakdown to me. Don’t know how it’s all going to play out, no doubt I will somehow be to blame but at least my eyes are wide open now.

[polestar]

Hi fitzo – I am respectful about your predicament about the paint job. I would like to give you an idea for an alternate way to handle it. I want to give you a different plan because you are being placed at his “ mercy “ because he is using the job to manipulate you. To have to wait so long for him to return to finish up something small and then not knowing if he will even get to it right away when he returns and then not knowing how long he will drag out the job once he begins with it would be a very frustrating experience. What I would recommend ( adding to the other’s suggestion of having someone else finish the paint job ), is to hire a handyman to bring all his paint equipment back across the street to his house ( I’m assuming he hasn’t moved yet, but even if he has, you could still drop it off there ), then simply take a chip of the paint from your house and the hardware store can match it. Different stores can do that. Then have the handyman finish the job, since there isn’t that much more to do anyway. You will save yourself a lot of stress that way. You can explain to the handyman that the original person who was doing the job just took off in the middle and you want to get it completed ASAP. Once it is done, you can tell the “ neighbor “ that you didn’t want to wait any longer and had someone else finish the job and that his equipment is at his house. I know you will feel much relief that you were assertive and that you are done with relating to him. Anyway, that’s what I would do if I were in your shoes.
Blessings

[Sunnygal]

Fitzo- I agree< with polestar.

SG

• This reply was modified 4 years, 7 months ago by Sunnygal.

[Fitzo]

Thanks Polestar and Sunnygal. I appreciate that in most cases your advice would be practical and appropriate. Unfortunately it is a little more complicated than that. I actually know a great deal about painting and tinting paint. In fact, in the past, I have always done my own painting. This is the first time I have employed someone. And the painting left to be done is the main reason I decided to call it a day on doing it myself. Biggest reason it is up high and requires scaffolding and is also quite intricate work. In fact I gave away my scaffolding to this guy as a gift because I figured I wouldn’t need it any more. And the failure of the paint computer to accurately match my colour is precisely the reason it is a specific formula. I ended up having to go to the supplier myself and get them to add tint to my specs in order to arrive at the colour I have now. I would not trust some random handyman with this work and if I still had my scaff I WOULD do it myself. If nothing else, this guy is a very good painter and is the reason I gave him the job in the first place. Also this is very expensive paint and had to be ordered in especially for me. Yes, I know, I am a bit of a perfectionist and my knowledge and skill in this area is another reason we connected so strongly in the first place. He has never had another client like me, and that is one compliment I actually do believe. His continuing silence makes me think he has realised I am most likely on to his game on some level and he doesn’t know quite what to do now. I would be very surprised if anyone else has ever really worked him out, because he’s certainly the most consummate actor I’ve ever encountered. If I hadn’t seen the mask slightly slip when he was criticised online by another (female) client (thin skin showing) I’d probably still be none the wiser. In fact, on one level, I am fascinated by the skill of his act. He would be the perfect subject for a book on psychopaths. Anyway, if he continues to be incommunicado, I might ask if he can get someone else to finish my job and bring my paint back. He may welcome that as a way to avoid confronting me at this stage of the game.

• This reply was modified 4 years, 7 months ago by Fitzo.
• This reply was modified 4 years, 7 months ago by Fitzo.

[polestar]

Hi Fitzo, wow – you really sound like you have so much knowledge and expertiese about painting! I’m seriously impressed. Anyway, it sounds like you definitely know what you are doing regarding the painting project, and I am glad that you have a good foundation in that you can accurately see your neighbor’s true character. I am sure that you won’t get pulled into his fake ” charm “, and that you will keep on with your healthy living free from sociopaths as you have done for quite a few years now. Congratulations about that. Be sure to keep posting if you have need of any support at all, especially as your house painting is being completed.
Blessings.

[Fitzo]

Thank you Polestar. I appreciate the support. Blessings to you and may you also enjoy a happy life free from toxic people.

[regretfullymine]

Yes, you CAN have more than 1 in your life. After I got divorced, I moved to a small town..bought a house (I should have asked for advice)..and in looking around for a contractor, hired a stepson of friends..he and his woman friend did good work..but he was constantly asking for more money (which I was foolish enough to give him)..my house roof, interior painting, bathroom re-do, basement steps re-do cost me WAY more than I bargained for. The work they did was good, to a point. Then…he asked me for $3000 to make a down payment on a house, they were buying. And, I handed it over..with some reservations..I never saw more than a few token payments back on that money. Did I feel like a fool? Oh yes..to be ripped off by 2 psycopaths..1 a husband, the 2nd a contractor..
Since then, I’ve had much better luck, with house repairs..But its hard for me to trust ANY contractor! (and these ‘friends’ had the gall to tell me, that they TRIED to warn me, he was a crook!)..then THEY tried, (another story, another day)..to sell me their overpriced Dodge Dynasty Car…I didn’t fall for that, it ended the friendship..There ARE swindlers, crooks..and you have to be careful.

[Fitzo]

Oh yes you can definitely have more than one! First there was my mother and there have been at least 4 or 5 others that I’m sure about. I’m fairly sure my ex accountant was one as well and he did try to hit on me but I didn’t even let that get to the starting line. I feel like I’m a magnet walking around with a big target on my head!
And yesterday this one resurfaced with the excuse that his phone has been broken since Sunday but he couldn’t get it fixed because he is working on an island (true) and couldn’t get back to the mainland until yesterday (possibly true) to get it fixed, so had no way of contacting me. In the interim I had sent a message basically saying that I was over it and only wanted to get my painting finished, preferably by someone else. Could he arrange that.
He exploded at me for my judgement, lack of trust, accusations etc. and how he is devastated and disgusted and totally broken now and is turning off his phone and can’t even talk to anyone etc. This all by text. Only he didn’t turn off his phone and we exchanged a number of angry back and forth messages in which I refused to back down like I’m sure I was supposed to, and in fact told him that this whole scene was so EXACTLY like my past experiences with narcs and sociopaths that I felt entirely justified. He was aware of these past experiences. I also said that if he had an ounce of empathy he would understand that, but that he only said the words and didn’t back it up with his actions. Suddenly he changed his tune and was all apologetic when he saw his outraged innocence act was not working. I basically said I was too upset for any further discussion and that’s where we left it. I am soooo tempted to go and have a quiet chat with his soon to be ex. I’m sure we could have a very interesting exchange. But I’m really too scared of the repercussions if he found out.
So, another day another drama. To be continued………..

[Author]

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