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FunLoveMusic and Polestar want to open a discussion with everybody about why participants think they were targeted by the narcissist/sociopath. Personal stories are welcome and/or underlying theories that one wishes to share. Thanks
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Why did my narcissist ex target me? Because I let him. I had a happy, sane, safe upbringing with a healthy, loving mother and father, the third of four, but I was born with what was could be called a “sensitive soul”. I was shy, socially awkward, over-weight, over-sensitive to criticism and very smart, which put a huge target on my back in the very small town I lived in until I was 13. I experienced severe bullying from the village idiot divas – aka the popular girls – to the point I would make myself sick to avoid going to school. When we moved to a big city things started to change and so did my body. I made friends with some nice girls, lost weight, joined clubs and “came out of my shell” – but I was still very insecure. When boys started to notice me I had NO idea what to do with that, and accepted dates with some I shouldn’t have, just because they noticed me. Learned some harsh lessons. In my Junior year of high school I met the love of my life, but he left for VietNam and what came back was no longer the boy I loved. In pain and grief and on the rebound I married an older man who turned out to be an alcoholic who abused me and our son. When I finally left after ten years I was back to square one – timid, shy, overweight, socially awkward, sensitive and traumatized. So I again made some really bad choices in men. After some therapy I decided the fault was in me and I quit dating for over 30 years. When I was 64 I met a lovely man but he just could not commit, so I went online to see what was out there – and that’s how my narc found me. He charmed me, said things I longed to hear, treated me like a princess – everything I had been missing in my life. And I fell for it. So what did he see in me? A very lonely, naive, hungry-for-love person, independent and financially secure, with no guards up. I was raised to trust people, to believe people were inherently good and honest and meant what they said – because that’s who I was. I had NO experience with overt liars and con artists. Looking back, I was so danged easy. He was so danged good at what he did. It wasn’t until I was chin-deep into our life, spending money on him, buying him whatever he wanted, believing ALL his many, many lies, that his mask fell – I caught him cheating and boy did the you-know-what hit the fan. I got to experience firsthand all those things we all talk about on here – gaslighting, triangulation, manipulation, accusations, lies, lies, lies, then threats when I demanded repayment. Looking back (I kept a journal and still do) I can SEE all the red flags – but I was blind to them when they happened. In retrospect (isn’t that where vision is always 20-20?) I was skillfully manipulated, lulled into believing the fantasy while all along his endgame was to take as much as he could get then move on to the next victim. Later I learned I wasn’t the first, nor the last. To my chagrin, I was not even special! I don’t remember who told me about Donna’s LoveFraud book and site, but when I discovered them and started reading, my vision cleared. I learned a LOT about the manipulators, the cheats and liars, the narcs and sociopaths, the Very Bad People – and then I started trying to use my experience to guide others. My story is not unique, but I hope it helps others. Yes, you can be smart, successful, older, wiser, but the sociopaths and narcissists can spot vulnerability a mile away.
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Thank you polestar for opening up this topic of conversation. Every situation is personal to your own set of circumstances and I feel perhaps the No Contact period gives us time to reflect and learn more about ourselves.
I’ve previously mentioned growing up in an abusive, alcoholic, dysfunctional household.
At a very early age, and in order to try to quell or balance my home front, I became the people pleaser who put everyone else’s needs ahead of mine. I also became the surrogate caretaker for my 3 younger siblings. Perfect prey for my N ! I most likely had/ have undiagnosed, untreated PTSD. I was and still am hyper vigilant. I always have a back-up plan in the event Plan A goes south. I’m very open about my life, which made it very easy for my N to read me. He used to say “I was easy.” Another interesting piece which bled into my relationship with my N is after an abusive, alcoholic knock- down drag-out event during my childhood I could feel the adrenaline rise in my body. Once things got back to what I felt was “normal” i.e.- parents going to work, dinner time with family, etc. I could feel a sense of relief and calm in my body. These feelings resembled an addiction …….chaos and uncertainty and then given the “drug” of getting back to normal my mental and physical state were much calmer. These same feelings would occur when my N would create an argument or was annoyed ……..first chaos and worry as he went MIA to punish me and then the drug of calmness and peacefulness as he reappeared and things were good or “normal” again. The highs and lows of a love addiction of sorts.I feel all of these factors contributed or helped in becoming a target for my N. Although I was aware of the red flags, I ignored them as a trade-off for the empty hole I was trying to fill which was the need to be loved unconditionally. I’ve never been known as a quitter, and in my case I tried endlessly to hold on or fix things all the while fighting a losing battle. I’m proud to say I abruptly left the relationship and I’m now 10 months No Contact. It’s almost similar to being 10 months sober…….free of my addiction! It’s not to say it’s been easy – there are times I’m still craving my drug of choice…..my N. Again, I feel this is inherent to my background and sometimes calm and normal seem foreign to me.
I look forward to hearing from others willing to share their thoughts and experiences. Hopefully, we can all gain knowledge from our conversations. Thanks for listening and sharing. Blessings!
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Emilie18- Thank you so much for your open and honest accounts that led to where you are in life today. I love reading your thoughtful and raw account of your personal story. We all seem to share that need for love and acceptance and it’s perfect cultivation for the narc.
I’m sorry for the bullying you had to endure, yet you were able to pull yourself out and go on to find friends, social interactions and happier times. It’s easy to see how you became insecure again after having the strength to leave your 10 year abusive marriage.The disordered personalities have a sixth sense that pick up on all of our vulnerabilities. Their MO is similar for all of us.
Again, thank you for sharing your experiences. I admire your ownership and all you’ve done to overcome and go on to help others with your story.
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Hi everyone- I want to add to my previous comments regarding why I think I was a target for a narcissist. At the time I met my narc I had been dating another man for a few short months. Compared to the instant chemistry I had with my narc, the other man felt more like a brother or friend to me. He made it clear he had an attraction to me, yet my feelings for him just couldn’t get there. In retrospect and although we had some things in common, he was too “normal.” On the other hand, my narc was very charming, handsome and confident and I fell hook, line and sinker! I ended up breaking it off with the “normal” guy and taking a leap of faith with my narc. The normal guy brought no drama or chaos to our relationship……..that should be a good thing right? However, due to my background I had an inherent need for drama and chaos…….it was familiar. I felt like a fish out of water with normal. Yes, hindsight is 20/20 and if I knew then what I know now, the “normal” guy would have made a very good partner. These markers have become my own red flags to watch for as I move forward making healthier choices.
Ironically, I worked very hard at breaking the cycle while raising my son. I tried to provide a healthy family life so he could go forward in life with his self esteem intact. Now as a great husband and father his family life is a model of what I would want for myself. I’m very proud of him and his family.
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Polestar- I always appreciate your articulate and encouraging kind words. Our discussions have been enlightening for me as well. I’m more of an analytical and introspective thinker and your contributions always provide an interesting perspective.
The connection I’ve experienced between chaos and calm has certainly been an ah, ha moment for me. When things went back to a somewhat normal state both growing up and with my ex-narc it always made me feel like all was right with the world and it lowered my anxiety if only momentarily until the next time. I do feel it was very much an addiction of sorts and/ or some sort of side effect of PTSD.I can totally relate to your story in that a romantic relationship can be so different than that of a friendship. Yet in most cases one or the other always seems to develop stronger feelings and things become unbalanced. I think both parties have to totally agree on what the relationship is to avoid someone getting hurt.
As we continue to reflect and share our stories I am very thankful for your support as well as the open and honest experiences of everyone that joins these topics of conversation. Blessings to you.
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I was targeted because I had the “right package”…attractive and a Christian…but most importantly I had a HOME. He love bombed me and exploited me so he could have a home to bring his beautiful young daughter to for visitations. He idolized her back then. I had what he needed! I could write a whole lot more, but I’ll just say that he is a Christian covert narc and it took 25 years with him to put all the pieces of the puzzle together. Since his retirement 2 years ago, the mask has fallen and I see his hidden self more now. It is not pretty. It’s been very bad to me and recently it is scary. I could say so much more as to his traits, but I’ll leave it at that.
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Hello Denise, Welcome to this site and thank you for sharing your story. From what you are saying it does sound like you have witnessed many changes over the years with your spouse. Yes, one thing they do have in common is they all want something from us. They seem to work a little harder in the beginning to charm us into submission and once they obtain what they want their true personality comes to the surface. It seems by not wearing the engagement ring after a short two months of getting to know him you had reservations. If that’s true, what made you decide to go ahead with marriage? Did he wear you down or did you hear promises of change ? Unfortunately, hindsight is always 20/20 and so many of us wish we had seen the signs or listened to our gut- an early exit on our part would have been so much easier. As Donna writes in her book on disordered seniors, things do not get better with aging rather they may even be worse.
I can understand your fears of losing your home to him. That said, is his name on the title or has he contributed financially to your mortgage? I would suggest a consultation with an attorney to get a better idea of where you stand. Also remember your safety is your number one concern, so any time spent on investigating your rights, a divorce, etc. should be kept private so as not to have any repercussions from your spouse. For safety reasons having a safety net or exit plan should not be shared with your spouse.
The least he knows, the better.I hope you can find the strength and find ways to ensure your safety while dealing with your spouse. Your happiness matters! Continue to plug into this site – it’s a great source of information and support. Stay strong and be safe.
Blessings to you. -
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I’m not sure that you will see this polestar, but please know your feedback on the forum has always been thoughtful and very helpful. I’ve appreciated getting to know you and you’ve given me much to think about and consider.
I planned to open up a conversation on cognitive dissonance asking others how they get through this challenging phase. I thought I would allow some time for feedback on other recent posts before putting my post out there.
I applaud you for speaking your truths and hope to exchange thoughts and ideas sometime in the future.
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Polestar — I have always valued your input and suggestions – so well thought out and informative! I will miss seeing you on here. I DO notice that there are only a few of us who respond to people – not sure why. Perhaps others ARE reading but don’t think their input would be helpful. Reminds me of a story I used to tell when people asked me why I helped injured wild things (a previous job) and I told them about a little boy walking along the beach after a storm, picking up starfish that had washed onshore and tossing them back. An old man watched him do this and finally asked – “why do you do that – it won’t make a difference, you know.” To which the little boy said “It makes a difference to this one.” So – for all of you reading and NOT contributing — please reconsider. Your input just might make a difference to someone.
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Looking back I think I was targeted because i worked alone in my role at work whilst everyone else worked in groups.
He often made comments about struggling financially and knew I had helped a friend out with money previously ( he actually commented once that he thought I was loaded). I put him right on that.
After that he began helping me with my work in which I was proficient and popular with clients. He slowly became my ‘confidante’ he talked a lot about his life, his past and told me he had always been insecure, I strived to involve him and I believe he pulled at the popularity I gained in my work. He had an aloof guarded way about him but not with me, and I quickly felt myself falling for his passive ways of letting me know there was a strong connection between us.
Overnight the lovebombing began but not before he was absolutely certain that I was smitten with him.
I soon became aware that he’d been stalking me to find out more about me but he passed it off as ‘ Daren’t tell me how he felt unless I rejected him’. I took it for a very deep attraction which I reciprocated. I’d shared all my worries about stress I had in my life and of course he was always good at telling me he had my back.
I now see that he chose me because I made him feel good, I bolstered him to be more outgoing and having the popular outgoing ‘rich in his eyes’woman boosted him immensely.
There were many red flags which I often over thought about but put down to him being ‘insecure’ and so excused, always forgetting myself and I spent years never questioning my own insecurities choosing to make sure I reassured him all the time. I was scared he would disappear, he’d programmed me with his intermittent reinforcement to chase him if he went ghost for more than two days.
In short he targeted me because he wanted my personality for his own.
Just to say I love coming here, not for answers, but just to read other stories and share my own and to know I wasn’t crazy. -
laylabelle- thanks so much for your feedback! It’s interesting how you mentioned you thought your narc wanted your personality for his own…….I’ve come to think that because they are void of any feelings or emotions, perhaps at some point they realize they are a shell of a person and they become somewhat jealous of our personality and longingly wish they could have the same. My ex-N used to tell me I’d be “good for him“ as if being with me would stop him from any criminal activity or multiple DUI’s that were a part of his past. For me too the red flags were there, but I thought things would be different once we were together. Thankfully, our relationship was long distance so in essence I feel I dodged a bullet. The emotional connection I felt we had was, for me, the hardest part to let go of.
I think this forum is a great place for all of us survivors to realize and find confirmation that we’re surely not crazy. We’re all a lot wiser having experienced something we never knew existed.
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Wow. After reading these stories, I realize the parallels between my story and others is uncanny. I hate that any of us had to endure a narc’s wrath, but it does give me an odd peace of mind knowing my story follows the same patterns as others.
My narc would target anyone sensitive (he preferred artists and “free spirits”) or anyone with impressive accomplishments, really. Especially those in the medical field. He had his type and unfortunately for me, I fell into some of his desired categories.
I grew up in poverty in a broken home. My parents were divorced, but my father was undoubtedly a narc as well and my mother was negligent. I don’t think either of them ever told me they loved me or showed any other form of affection. I would be home unsupervised and fend for myself most days. I took care of my siblings like they were my children. Somehow I was well adjusted and my situation didn’t bother me as a kid, but looking back it was pretty sad.
My parents made it clear from a young age that if I wanted to go to college, they would not contribute. It was something I had to figure out on my own. So I did. I received a full-ride to the best design school in the country and ended up completing not only an undergraduate degree, but an MFA as well.
My narc was fully aware of my background and he would say he “considered me family” knowing that I never really had one. He loved the fact that I was a professional artist whenever he needed free work done, but during triangulation, my career was one of his favorite things to target. He usually compared me to medical doctors he was interested in and he would tell me my “degree was useless” and that I should have used my time more wisely and pursued a medical degree instead. My career is one of the few things I take pride in and he made me feel ashamed and unintelligent.
I never experienced unconditional love from my parents, so in a way, his abusive patterns felt familiar and almost comforting to me. I was used to fighting to be loved and proving myself excessively. Now that I’m older (and finally in a healthy relationship) I realize that I never should have had to fight or beg to be loved. Unconditional love is out there.
Somebody in this thread said that a relationship with a narc is addictive and I completely agree. I have stability and consistency in my life now, but some days I miss the chaos. I don’t know how else to explain it but it’s something I have been struggling with.
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I wonder about the concept of “unconditional Love”? I am still struggling to break free from my toxic relationship, and one of his demands is “unconditional love”= that he must be the most important person in my life. Perhaps, I would have fallen for that when I was 18, but at my age I have seen a lot of love relationships fizzle. The partner who behaves badly much of the time, does not merit love. I don’t deserve unconditional love, either. We all have responsibilities to support people we care about- even when we don’t feel “in Love”- and its possible to love someone but discover that you cannot live with them. My son receives unconditional love because I view parenting that way. But I don’t want to be a mother to my boyfriend.
The “Narc” in my life probably became attracted to me because I seemed so compliant, at first! Now, he admits his betrayals (my fault , of course) and is punishing me for being insufficiently ‘obedient’ by withholding all the things I enjoy..he definitely does not deserve unconditional love.
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