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I am completely devastated. Found out after 1.5 years my x narc was married, now his wife r finds out, reaches out, of course be down plays everything with me, she reaches out secretly and I don’t even tell her a fraction and then he files for an order of protection against me. Obviously so I won’t tell her anything more. I am completely hurt and embarrassed!
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belfer – typical of a cheater/narcissist – proactively prevent the truth coming out! He is covering his slimy behind! She reached out, though, so I would guess this is not the first time he has cheated and she knows that. Although he has a protective order against you, he can’t prevent HER from reaching out on her own. Check the laws in your state or country. You can also petition the court to void the order based on many different reasons — no proof of harm or danger, if it was based on lies, or if the threat no longer exists. Most courts do not give a protective order just because – there has to be a reasonable threat of harm — and I will bet he lied about that.
I understand the hurt and embarrassment but honestly – you are SO much better without this slimeball! Count yourself lucky he is out of your life — and please – don’t let him back in!
Good luck!
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belfer — I know how upsetting this is – but you are NOT stupid. You got sucked in and fooled by someone who is expert in doing these things. That’s why I made the assumption his wife probably is aware of his cheating. It sounds like their lifestyle supports his bad behavior, as they live apart for so long each year. Perfect setup for him, for sure. Either she is oblivious and trusting or very aware and doesn’t care. Since she contacted you, I would guess it’s the second, and your relationship – 1 1/2 years – was a bit too long for her comfort and security. But – I am just guessing. What really matters is that now you know who and what he really is, and you can start the process of healing. Keep posting and asking questions – there are some very wise and experienced people here, lots of support and information, and lots of love and compassion. Concentrate now on taking care of YOU.
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Hi belfer –
You are being put in the position of being the scapegoat for their horrible marriage. You were drawn in by his lying scheming ways to make you feel that you had something real together, but then only to be able to put all of his drama and problems on your shoulders. And part of that burden is to want you to feel ashamed for being betrayed. It is a ploy from narcs called “ victim shaming “. They victimize you and then try to shame you for something that had nothing to do with you in the first place. In any case, everything is really all about his problems with his relationship with his wife. So it was a good thing that he got the order of protection “ against “ you, because the truth is that the order of protection was the universe acting to protect you ! To keep you out of their sick drama. So as emilie says, you can now have the chance to concentrate on taking care of you. And you don’t even need to go through the whole ordeal of going No Contact, which for people is very difficult. You get to be free of him without having to explain anything, or to confront him etc. He has been removed from you. Thank heavens !
Blessings -
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Hi belfer –
Yes, he was a total con artist and was very good at it like some of the participants commented about. The wife sitting there smiling was so disgusting, like she was laughing at your pain trying to make you feel that much more humiliated. But we all know that she is the one who has had to go through this many times – that is quite obvious. And he has kept her deeply trauma bonded. For you, You are the one who will be free. It is part of the healing process to grieve and crying it out is actually very good for you I think. Yet at some point you are going to need to really make a huge decision and realize that things will not just heal by themselves in due time. Rather, you will need to take the bull by the horns and become your own hero. That means to be proactive and do everything and anything possible in a positive way to get your self back to your original shining you. My suggestions would be to journal daily, to watch dr. Les Carter on You tube every day, watch Zari Ballard’s You Tubes ( the few that she has are very good ). I’m glad that you are reading “ When Love is a Lie “; “ Vacancy in the Rabbit Hole “ is so great to get you up and going too. I myself do the “ Women Who Love Too Much “ steps all the time. The author Robin Norwood thinks that women get into an addiction, and she has set forth steps to break free. Even if you feel that you don’t necessarily fit the description of the women regarding her theory, the steps are still very freeing. They are ( when the thought of your ex comes up ) 1. Go for Help ( immediately read or watch something ) 2. Make your own recovery your first priority in your life 3. Find a support group of peers who understands ( you have done this by the books you are reading and coming to this site ) 4. Develop your spiritual side through daily practice 5. Stop Managing and controlling others ( like to realize that your ex is a narc or worse and you just can’t change him nor will he ) 6. Learn not to get hooked into the games ( all your education and dr Carter helps with this ) 7. Courageously face your own problems and shortcomings. 8. Cultivate whatever needs to be developed in yourself ( like getting interested in something that you will find fulfilling ) 9. Become “ selfish “ ( protect your consciousness from those vipers ) 10. Share with others what you have experienced and learned ( you are doing that now by your posts and sharing what you are going through ). So you’ve already got a lot of positive activities to keep you from going into that awful rabbit hole that Zari talks about ! The more you do these things the stronger and happier you will feel. Thanks so much for sharing.
Blessings -
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Hi belfer –
Don’t worry about him at all – he’s a goner. There is no more relationship with him left at all and any threats he could possibly make are just empty, because he has no power left at all over you. Even though the court order may run out of time, it was symbolic of the finality of the situation that had been. Plus it is on his record now, so if he even tries to contact you or harass you in any way, all you have to do is call the police and they will see that he already had harassment change and a court order against him and he would get nailed and he knows this. As far as “ talking smack “ against you ( as Zari Ballard calls it ), she has good advice in her “ Vacancy in the Rabbit Hole “ book about that. She said that after her going No Contact with her ex, he went around talking bad smack against her all over the place. She had to deal with some discomfort and shame ( which passed ) but she made it her policy not to say a word about him in any way, and not to try to defend herself. She just held her ground and said nothing ( and thereby keeping No Contact actually ). In the end, it backfired and just made her ex look bad by being so gossipy and negative etc. Then, because she didn’t give energy to it, everyone just forgot about it, plus of course her friends never paid him any attention anyway. So it just died away. As far as threatening to get involved with anyone else, it will not matter because you will not have any connection with him and won’t even know about it and if someone tries to tell you anything about him, you will let them know you do not want to discuss or hear anything about him at all. Plus keep away from places that you know he frequents. So basically you will have gone No Contact and will thus get your strength back. Be sure to block him from your phone and email and all of that. Your job right now is to go forward with your healing work and with creating the beautiful life which reflects your true inner beauty. By doing the healing work, you will find once again your happiness well being and will rejoice about that. In response to the issue about what was and is going on with the wife and why she acted so strange in court and why she would even go to court at all – your ex must have given her a big relationship reset ( you can watch Zari’s You Tube about the narc setting the relationship reset button ), acting all conciliatory and everything like that to get her to be in denial about his flagrant lying. So he’s got a terrible psychological hold on her and has gotten her to dissociate from her own real self to the extent that he has all power in that relationship. She is powerless and he probably demanded that she support him in court to make it look like he was a “ good guy “ maybe to sway the judgement, but obviously the judge did not buy into that and ruled in your favor. So basically, do everything you can to get your own power back from connecting to your personal inner strength and by reading, continuing to learn and putting into practice No Contact. You already showed a lot of strength by facing him in court ( the last contact ) and not showing any distraughtness, but keeping your head held high !
Blessings
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Hi belfer –
I think that he mainly threatened you because he wants to protect his relationship with his wife. Sorry to say it because I am sure that the whole wife thing must be a very sensitive issue for you since he kept it a secret from you and betrayed you in that way. In any case, from what I have gleaned from your posts, he does not want you to communicate further with his wife and was threatening you so you will keep away from her. I think much of your worry stems from the hurt and betrayal and all the upset of going to court and having to have dealt with the breakup too. All of those emotions that are so overwhelming and upsetting can manifest as extreme anxiety and worry. Plus you really are not sure about if he will try to Hoover you or contact you in order to restart the relationship with you. Because some of those narcs actually have the audacity to do just that even after they have been found out. Just look at his wife – she should never have allowed him back in the house. But obviously she did, and he wants to maintain his footing there. So he will not do anything to upset that and so I don’t think he will Hoover you because of the fact that you did go to court and though it is not on either of your records, he knows that you mean business and he knows that you would call the police on him. You are correct though to think about your protection and it would be good to cover all the options that you have. I had already mentioned blocking him in all ways. You could also go to the police and give them a heads up on the situation, telling them about the date the order is finished and your concerns, and see what their advice is. There is a book called “ The Five Step Exit Plan “ ( I will post a short post after this to give the exact title and author ). But her book is one that does go into the issue of protecting yourself from an ex narc. I think you will get a lot of good practical pointers from that book, as well as it being a great help in healing and moving forward because the steps go from the toxic relationship to getting away, all the way to creating your own healthy life style. I really hope that you get it – it is actually quite short but would be so perfect for what you are going through on every level. I’ll post the info shortly.
Blessings -
Hi again belfer – the exact name of the book is called “ The Five Step Exit “ by Amber Ault. You can get the book on Amazon and it is also on Kindle.
Blessings -
If you want to arm his wife with what he did to you, give what evidence on him you have to her lawyer (if she has one of her own) or someone else close to her not named in the order of protection against you (could be her sibling, her close friend, etc).
If not that’s fine too.
The book ‘Cheating in a Nutshell: What Infidelity Does to The Victim’ by.Wayne & Tamara Mitchell is really good, it focuses on the betrayed spouse more than the affair partner but the principles you need to learn & heal are the same. I underlined the heck out of my 1st copy & mailed it to Checkmark Guy’s (personality disordered guy I met on Twitter, he has a verified account on Twitter with a white & blue checkmark hence his nickname) *wife*, then ordered a new unmarked copy for my home library. It really helped me understand betrayal trauma and it is possible for you to be betrayed by a sociopath at the same time he is also betraying (& causing trauma) to his wife.
FYI Checkmark Guy’s a marginally (in)famous actor, he lives apart from his wife of ~35 years in a different state from her, they have 2 adult children (late 20s – early 30s) together & he’s also got a *baby mama* in a 3rd state, that daughter is now college aged. He’s plead down a domestic violence with yet another woman & until he told me all of this a few months into my ‘situationship’ with him (and no it didn’t all get disclosed at once, it took a few months for me to learn it all) I knew NONE of this. (IMDb to this very day lists him as divorced with THREE kids with his (not ex) wife).
He has lied about still being married, his third child’s parentage, where he was going on trips (to see the affair partner / mother of his 3rd child), he possibly lied about having colon cancer & a half-assed suicide attempt. It’s all part of his ‘relationship’ con game & when you’re naive you don’t think to verify everything he tells you. You trust him because you’ve never had to be suspicious of someone so close to you before & people like Checkmark Guy count on that to manipulate you. He scams & antagonizes his brother & sister in law, his employers, literally anyone & everyone.
I’m well over him but I will say in future if I *feel* like I have to double-check everything about someone I am considering getting close to, that’s someone I won’t have anything to do with anymore.
Make sure if you were having sex with him to get tested for sexually transmitted infections & then do the deep emotional & psychological work to get yourself to a place where you rejoice about how you didn’t end up with a sociopath because they make EVERYONE miserable. When you feel sorry for everyone else still tied to him but you also know it’s their jobs to fix their respective lives, you are just about finished healing.
And when the protective order expires you continue NO CONTACT You won’t be able to enforce it in court if it expires (talk to a lawyer about renewing it, that might be possible given his pattern of behavior), but you are strong enough to do this & get your life back. And you have help here.
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Hi belfer –
That is fantastic that you found out that he won’t be returning. So you can take the road and time to heal. The greatest damage that he did was to your self esteem and your sense of worth. I really believe that when we talk about healing from a narcissistic relationship, that is exactly what we are doing – healing that horrible cutting of our self love and the feeling that we are beautiful in all ways. You are still traumatized I think, and it does take some amount of time during No Contact, to even get over the shock. Then comes the work of building up what was taken and harmed. We who have gone through it, all attest that it can be done and will be done. You will get yourself back and your heart will be aligned with love which is the great healer. There are books to read, movies to watch and affirmations that bring much healing. It is a process, so be patient and have faith that it will be all so far behind you one day that it just won’t even matter. In the meantime, I recommend a movie called “ The Holiday “ the one with some famous and great actors. Kate Winslet is in it and I think she won an academy award. Anyway, I recommend it because Kate’s character went through a situation that caused her to have feelings like yours. I think seeing her in that role would really give you support to see her transformation. I have all kinds of healing ideas, so post if you would like further recommendations.
Blessings. -
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Hi belfer –
Well, the problem with the wife staying is that she has been trauma bonded. Unfortunately, it is so deep that she cannot even look for help at this point. Something interesting though that I wanted to share was about knowledge I got from reading a book. It was about people who have affairs ( and in her book it seemed that it was the men who were the initiators ). It may seem wierd but I gave the book away because I only got it for info and I was afraid that if someone saw I had it they would think that I was the type of person who would do that which I am not – Nevertheless, it was so interesting because apparently there is a whole society or I should say a section of our society that cheat. And it is a huge amount. The woman who wrote the book had been a mistress ( ie – the “ other woman “ ) for many famous men, and she really tells it how it is, and she also interviewed many women who had affairs with married men and male cheaters also. But the interesting point that she made was that in ( from my understanding) almost all cases, no matter how blatant the cheating was that came to light, the wives almost in every instance took the husband back ! I think it has to do with the dictates of how women have been programmed by society regarding marriage. As far as you go – she explained that some men let the woman that they want to have an affair with, know right away that they are married, while others are sneaks and don’t tell. So your ex was a sneak and you really couldn’t know what you didn’t know. So it was absolutely not your fault in the least. However – now you do know, and thus have to take the initiative to go No Contact. And you did a very good job of doing just that and going to court. You did everything exactly right and correct and no matter how he lied – that was on him, not you. You have your dignity in tact. About the book I had mentioned before – those sneaky cheaters who don’t tell the woman that they are married – they are way below contempt because they will love bomb the woman and get her to fall in love and get committed, and that is the time that many decide to “ tell the truth “. ! !! So many women who are placed in this position just cannot stand up to that kind of emotional manipulation and give in and stay anyway. That’s when their real nightmare begins. But you didn’t do that. Can you see how amazing you are? What you have done was not easy, but you didn’t cave. So you should be very proud of yourself. You have more strength than you realize and you can and you will heal and be all that you were and more.
Blessings -
A note for nosp – I got the “ cheating in a nutshell “ book that you recommended ( on my kindle account ). Read part of the sample and am looking forward to reading the whole thing. Thanks for the great recommendation!
Blessings -
Hi belfer, I’m so sorry you’re going through all this. All of us here understand as we’ve been down this path too. Like you, I felt bad about myself. When my ex-narc left me for the final time I was in so much pain there were days I barely got out of bed. I cried for hours, had no interest in anything or anyone. I also read books about sociopaths and saw so many things that described the 1.5 years I was with my ex that I couldn’t understand how someone wrote a book about MY life!! You’re probably having mental battles of the good guy/times vs the bad guy/times. Hang on to the bad times! It will help you realize that you’re better than him and deserve better! It’s okay to not be interested in dating someone else right now, you’re not ready.
As for the smiling wife (rolling my eyes) she’s thinking she won. She didn’t win. She’s stuck with a jerk. What kind of man cheats on his wife (and I agree with emilie18 that it’s probably not his first time), physically batters you, which he should have gone to jail for, actually goes to court to get a restraining order against you for texts and phone calls when he could have simply blocked your number (drama queen looking for attention and trying make himself look like a victim) and then on top of everything else threatens to come back and “do everyone you thought I’d cheated with”, while talking bad about you to anyone who will listen??? I think he has told us everything we need to know about his lack of integrity and morality. Looooooser! Let’s throw the cherry on top, you didn’t even know he was married. It’s not like you knowingly engaged in an affair. So further shame on him and to the wife for not giving you credit when he lied and conned you into a relationship he had no business being in.
You’re better off without him. YOU DESERVE BETTER!! Things will get better. I promise you! I highly recommend going on a singles cruise. On a whim response to a pop up ad I booked a singles cruise shortly after my ex dumped me and then panicked. But I went through with it and it turned out to be one of the best things I ever did! I met so many wonderful people who live all over the world and I now call friends. I also had my self esteem boosted back up by hearing the OPPOSITE of all the derogatory comments I was told by my ex to shut me down and try to make me think he was the best thing that happened to me.
Time will help ease your pain and you will find your strength again. Keep talking to your support system, whether that be here or with your circle of friends and family. Many of us found that friends and family tend to not be there for you because they don’t understand the influence and control narcs yield over romantic partners. It’s books on this topic, counselors who understand narcissistic behavior, and forums like this with the been-there-done-that-and-recovered crowd that are the most helpful. Hugs to you!
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