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Hi! New to all of this and trying to find a new forum to talk to. My family keeps telling me to quit obsessing and move on…easier said than done. After a year and a half of being with someone who I now realize is a narcissistic psychopath I am still trying to make it day by day. He fabricated an outlandish story the last few months of our relationship that had me in fear of my life and that of my family. Later I found out that he had a camera hidden outside my house, a GPS tracker on my car and complete access to my phone. I eventually was able to have him arrested for stalking with a no contact order, ankle monitor and now which he has now been indicted on. People don’t seem to understand the trauma this has caused. Even with him having a non contact order and ankle monitor I feel like a prisoner in my own home. My family is tired of hearing about it saying I’m too obsessed with it. Maybe I am but I am just trying to educate myself as much as possible before it goes to trial. I want as much evidence as possible against him so he cannot do this to someone else. I hear very little from the investigator, solicitor or victims advocate. I do my own research remembering and writing down things that happened just waiting to have the opportunity to talk more with someone. I’ve tried counseling twice but they wanted to focus on other things. As if my feelings of the narcissistic behavior and being “stalked” aren’t validated. Is so frustrating, one day I’m good then something triggers what happened. I know he’s been in my house since despite home monitoring but yet I can’t prove anything. I have no close friends to talk to because I feel as everyone is tired of hearing about it so I carry this weight on my own and it is eating me alive. I have no idea when things when go to court. He already has another indictment against him from a previous criminal charge. He is arrogant and is walking around as if nothing can touch him and I’m at home afraid to go anywhere but work and necessary errands. A burden I don’t know how much longer I can handle…
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Spoofed21 – so sorry to hear you are going through this. Waiting is the worst. The fact that he has been arrested and is going to trial is a good thing – it gives you at least a glimmer of validation. Sadly, the courts and prosecutors are so very uninformed of these personality types that sometimes they have the wool pulled over their eyes too easily. Any evidence: videos, message recordings, police files, hospital reports, emails, texts – anything concrete – will help the prosecutor make a good case. Your testimony will help, but it’s the concrete proof that will put him away. In the meantime, look for another therapist – one who is versed in the PTSD that dealing with these types cause. Keep posting here – lots of great people with good advice. Take care of yourself physically and mentally. Keep a journal. Protect yourself. Install cameras inside and outside your house and in your car, have your phone and car checked for trackers. And be sure the police are notified of any and everything suspicious. The stressing and obsessing does lessen with time. Best wishes.
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Hi Spoofed21,
WE HEAR YOU HON!! We have all been exactly where you are now. Stressed to the max with high anxiety after escaping a sociopath/psychopath. Emilie is correct to find a therapist that deals with tramatic abusive relationships. Most if not all victims of a sociopath have PTSD. Sounds like you are dealing with this also.
Most leave their abuser only to be abused emotionally by their families by not understand the true hell the victims had endured.
I would highly recommend that you call your local abuse center and go to the Free women group meetings. These will help you just to realize you are not alone in your pain. And, they will help to validate that YES you were in a abusive relationship.
Most victims of a sociopath do not understand that they were in a very emotional, mental & verbally abusive relationship. In fact, the bulk of domestic abuse IS emotional, mental, financial & verbal abuse. Glad you are listening to your gut instincts about how dangerous he is. Your family may not understand this. But, YOU DO…listen to your gut instincts always. Your gut instincts is saying he was in your home…LISTEN TO THIS GUT ALARM GOING OFF.
Search your home for any hidden cameras, have your computre cleared, look at your tv wires to see if anything was added to the tv. Donna (of lovefraud) has several articles on these devices by a professional who shows how these evil people do add these divices. Look in your vents too.
I would suggest you add home security to your home. There are several ways to do this. If you are on a budget you can buy no wire security systems for doors & windows separately that just take batterys and a screw driver to install. OR if you can afford it hire a company to install a home security system where you pay a monthly fee and if the system goes off they call the home.
Also, visit your local police department with your paper work on this guy and ask them to add your street and home to a daily visit. This is where the police drive by your home to make a check to see if everything is ok. Sometimes they will do this several times a day. This is normal for police to do.
Tell your neighbors that you broke up with your boyfriend and you had to call the police on him and if they see him on your street or at your home have them call the police immmedately.
If he shows up at your home DO NOT OPEN THE DOOR…DO NOT TALK WITH HIM thru the door or window. Simply call the Police and go lock yourself in a safe place ie bathroom with no window.
Look up “Oprah Gavin Debecker gift of fear interview” and read Donna’s article on “Gift of fear book”. The book Gift of fear by Gavin debecker is a must read book (your library may have it). This will remind you to always listen to your gut instincts!
Look up the term here on Lovefraud “Gas lighting abuse”. Some times these evil people do return to their victims home and move things around to scare or confuse their victims. So beware. And just call the police when you see anything out of place inside your home or outside. Especially when you come home and you see something is not right dont go in the home. just call the police and ask them to walk around your yard & walk with you in your home. This is a normal proceedure for police so dont feel back asking them to help you out.
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Lovefraud site creator Donna anderson has written several articles that on the subject of not all therapist understand socipathic abuse. So you will have to call some on the phone and interview them and/or call your local abuse center to see if they have any recommendations.
Read everything on Lovefrauds home page. That is a excellent place to start your healing as well as posting questions & venting when every you need to get the pain out (which is part of the healing process) and just need someone to hear you. When you are emotional come here to lovefraud and read, read, read this helps to heal the mind from all the thoughts coming up. Post as many times as you need. We all posted a ton when we first left our abusers.
For your PSTD look up:
Adrenal fatigue (most victims of abuse suffer from this) see sites Dr Lam. com and Adrenal fatigue. org. (I have no affliation to these sites my doctors gave me dr Wilson’s adrenal fatigue vitamins after I escaped my ex h.
Look into epson salt baths (found in pharmacy section over the counter or at Walmart cosmetic/bath section) Epson salt has magnesium in it. This helps calm the body & mind. Sit in the bath before bed or if you dont have a bath tub just soak your feet in a bucket. Check with your doctor first if you are on Rx. This helps tremendously. See Dr Berg yt vids on magnesium and epson salt baths. This really does help to calm the body & mind. It’s all natural and our bodies need magnesium. one way you know you are deficient is not being able to handle stress.
Look into changing your diet to a very clean diet no sugar, refine carbs (cookies, cakes, crackers etc), no alcohol (which has sugar in it). see you tube chans: Dr Mindy Pelz (keto or canivore), Dr Berg (keto), Dr Eckberg (keto), Eric Bakker naturopath MEVY diet. There are many diets to heal your body from this tramatic experience nightmare. Your library will have many books on many diets so see which you might enjoy to heal your body.
Keep a jounal of everything. Hide it. Ask your friend to write down what you tell her in a journal also this all can be used in court in most states.
💜SENDING YOU HUGE HUGS HON. YOU ARE NOT ALONE…WE ARE HERE FOR YOU & HEAR YOU!!!💜💜
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ps get a vitamin & mineral deficiency test asap. You most likey are deficient in D, B complex, magnesium and potassium.
look up Donna’s articles on “why not to drink alchohol or take recreational drugs or over eat”.
Watch Donna’s videos at the top of Lovefraud several times and ask your family to watch the ones that you most related too. This will help them to see the truth in the hell you endured by your ex and are still going thur.
Ask your friends if you dont feel safe in your home at night to allow you to call them and crash on their couch or in their guest room. It’s important to know you have a safe place to go. Or if you can afford a hotel room that is another option. But, a friends/family’s home is emotionally better for you.
take care. Keep posting, venting & reading it really does help to sort out all the feelings that percolate up after leaving a sociapthic abuser.
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Look up “home depot door and windo alarms systems”…and Lowes = if in the US or if not in the US your countries large box home builders store. Door & window alarms at home deport = $24 for two alarms or a secruity system kit for approx $200+ that take batteries and you can install very easy with a screw driver. This will give you some peace of mind.
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do a search here on lovefraud for “Stalking” (there are several articles for you to read)
If you find any electronic devices ie cameras/listening devices in your home that he planted…do not touch them or remove them…call the police, In many states it is against the law to use hidden cameras or other devices without the persons consent or knowledge.
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spoofed21 – I am so sorry for your experience. Please understand that everything you are going through is normal for someone who has been targeted by a psychopath – including the friends and family who can’t really hear you. That’s why it’s so helpful to interact with people like all of us at Lovefraud – we totally get what you are talking about. Why? Because we’ve been there.
We do have lots of information here – please take your time and investigate. First of all, you’ll realize that you are not alone. Then you may find information and suggestions that are helpful for you.
Yes, this is a traumatic experience. But you can overcome it. The key is to make up your mind that you want to recover.
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What you’re experiencing is violation. It happened to me. It’s natural for your body to keep you on high alert when you don’t feel safe in your home. Lots of good advice above. What made me feel the safest the quickest was installing Ring (or any brand) cameras. They’re very easy to install yourself. Put them in locations around your house to give you vantage points on every point of entry — not just the front door. Street views both ways, in back of the house, etc.
If you have a Ring or other system already, go into its settings and make sure there is no other email/phone number associated with the account. If you are not listed as the “owner” of the account, you may as well get rid of it because you won’t be able to fully control the service if someone else was ever the owner and has not gone through the process of being officially removed. It happened to me, and I stupidly thought that they were “off” the service as a “user,” but they were the “owner” so they could log in any time they wanted no matter what. Took me months to figure out.
There is a secure app called Last Pass. Change ALL your passwords and use an app to generate secure passwords. It makes it easy to frequently change passwords and you can use face recognition so only you can access the app. If anyone tries to log in, it has a secure log in record which clocks their IP address.
Check all devices logged in to any cloud-based accounts like Google, Apple IDs, etc., disconnect any devices you don’t recognize and change that password too. Check all your computers to make sure there aren’t any linked users or networks with other users on them.
Change your wifi password. If there are any cameras placed in your home, they are operating off of wifi. This will knock them off line.
Get a lock box/locking filing cabinet, safe, etc., for your home for personal papers, journal, medications, etc. Anything you feel is private to you — just lock it up for your own peace of mind.
Unless it has happened to you, nobody can understand what it does to a person to have been spied on and not feel safe. When you can’t let your guard down and feel safe, it wears you down psychologically and physically. It does take a while to calm your system and the only way to do that is to take steps to let you body know you have security in place to give you hard proof that you are safe. It’s the fear of whether or not you’re being spied on that results in you almost gaslighting yourself.
Be kind to yourself. What you’re going through is your body’s natural response to feeling unsafe. You are on high alert for good reason. It will get better in time.
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Hi spoofed21 –
You are feeling threatened and unsafe which is the reality of what you are going through. Added to this is the legal ordeal. This would cause anyone to feel very anxious. I am sorry that the people around you don’t understand what you are going through and are not validating you. Even if you didn’t have the wierd stalking from your ex, just breaking up and going through the upset and fallout from having been in a relationship with a sociopath is such an emotional ordeal. My opinion is to move away. It may take time and energy, but it can be done and will be done if you set in motion the intent and steps. I don’t know your living situation exactly, but it sounds like you have a job, so you could start to research jobs in another town or city, and perhaps put your things in storage and at first rent a room until you get situated. You can begin a whole new life for yourself. Just beginning the process will make you feel so much better and not like being a prisoner in your own home.
Blessings to you -
Hi spoofed21. You might read Gavin DeBeckers book The Gift of Fear. He is an expert on security and I have found him helpful. Best wishes.
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I am so sorry for what you are going through. I went through nearly the same thing a year and a half ago. I did get a restraining order against my narcissist after I left him, and just doing that made him back off. He did continue to contact members of my family and kept claiming that I was suicidal, and he was so worried about me. It is crazy what these “soulless people” will put a person through. You are not obsessed. You are working through everything that you went through, and that is all normal. Always remember that none of this was your fault, and take the time that you need to work through the stages that you are going through. Besides Lovefraud, which I am so happy to have found, there is a really good book that I read (psychopath free by Jackson MacKenzie). And if you are a highly sensitive person (HSP), another good book is (the highly sensitive person’s guide to dealing with toxic people by Shahida Arabi). One thing I have done is go to an energy healer who specializes in Reiki and mindfulness. This has been a huge help for me in releasing negative energy that has been stored from the narcissist and the experience, plus the mindfulness has greatly helped with the “obsession” and triggers. Many blessings to you. YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS! You are a strong person, and better things are on there way to you!
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