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I have been horrifically abused by a psychopath for 10 very long and painful years. I have always known there was something very wrong with him, but I didn’t know exactly what it was until I discovered Lovefraud.
Now that I know what he is, and I reflect back on all of the absolute evil acts he has committed against me, I literally can’t stop myself from vomiting nearly non-stop since discovering that he is a prolific Psychopath. He has poisoned me in every way. Physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.
Learning that this man I have loved and devoted myself to “fixing” is unfixable, is a positively life altering and heart-wrenching revelation. I have wasted a decade of my life with this man and he has destroyed me in ways that I can’t even begin to explain. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
He has systematically demolished and ravaged every aspect of my life like a wrecking ball and I honestly don’t know how I can possibly ever escape him. At least not with my life.
He has broken my bones, my spirit, my bank account, my heart, my soul and the very essence of the woman I once was.I am so incredibly humiliated and ashamed that I’ve allowed him to assault me in such heinous and depraved ways. Over and over and over again. I can’t even look at myself in the mirror any longer. I hate what I see.
He is a pathological liar, a thief, a pornography addict, a drug abuser who steals my medications, my money, anything he can rob or strip from me, he does. He has taken every ounce of dignity away from me and changed me from a strong, successful, intelligent woman into someone I no longer even recognize and he’s done it all without the slightest sense of guilt, shame or remorse.
He is the very definition of a psychopath/Sociopath. When I found this life changing website and went down the list, every piece fell perfectly into place. I’ve been victimized so horrifically by someone that I actually thought I loved. Now I realize, I never knew who or what he was. I loved an illusion. Someone who, in the very beginning, keyed in on my every hope, dream and desire and went about making himself into what he knew I deeply longed for. In the beginning he was so charming, intelligent, funny and witty. From a highly esteemed family with all the right credentials.. On the surface. Once he had me in his clutches, this never ending nightmare began. 10 years later and I am scarred, beaten, battered and completely shattered. If only I’d have known the signs of Psychopathy sooner, so much pain and suffering could have been averted. Thankfully though, I now have the answers to the millions of questions and uncertainties that have plagued me throughout the past decade. I now finally know that it isn’t me. It’s not my fault and I am not the crazy person he’s continuously tried to convince me that I am. He is a sick and twisted man who has done unfathomable things to me..All while professing his love and his never ending promises that he would change and stop the torturous acts he’s inflicted upon me. If anything, he’s gotten worse as the years have gone by. The weaker and more broken down that I became, the more power he gained over me and the more despicable his actions have become.
I am an extremely empathetic human being. He’s not even human. I have a huge heart and a far too forgiving nature and he preyed upon those facts. I want to save the world. Little did I know, I couldn’t even save myself. Or him for that matter.My life reads like a Greek tragedy. I have already suffered so much loss and pain in my life, yet he heaps more and more upon me. I lost my only Son T.J, 4 years ago on the 25th of this month. He was killed in a car accident by a reckless driver. He was only 28 years old and He was truly the absolute love and light of my life. I’ve lost so many loved ones suddenly and tragically. My sweet and loving Sister Christine was killed by an intoxicated Priest while riding her bicycle. 2 weeks shy of her Sweet sixteenth birthday. 4 years later, my amazingly gifted and talented Brother Dean was killed by a drunk driver. My childhood sweetheart and fiancee died from a brain aneurysm 11 days before we were supposed to be married. A year later, my beloved Step Father died in my arms. Then my Father and then my precious Son was killed in a horrifically devastating car accident. He was a self admitted Momma’s boy who even as a teenager would hug and kiss me..right in front of his friends. Without embarrassment. He loved me and I adored him unlike any other. I will never get over losing him. I still cry for him every single day.
I am as broken as any human being could ever be. I don’t know how I’m still even breathing. I feel dead inside. Void. Destroyed. I do not know how to escape my Psychopathic abuser. I do not believe I will get out alive. I don’t know where to go or what to do. I just know I can’t continue to live this life of endless lies, stress, trauma, drama, false promises, abuse and the eradication of what little life I have left. I suffer from Neurosarcoidosis. A very rare disease that causes my brain and spinal cord to essentially develop lesions and holes in its structure which leads to a host of medical complications and problems. I’m 50 years old but feel like I’m a 100. My condition only worsens with the inevitable trauma and upset that living with a psychopath brings me.. On a daily basis.
Please fellow victims, I need your help, your guidance, advice and knowledge. I need someone to care whether I live or die because I don’t think I even care that much anymore.
If you’ve managed to escape a dangerous Psychopath and lived to tell the tale, please share your stories and experiences with me. It’s the only way I stand any chance at all of a better life or any life at all for that matter.Please know that I am a genuine, kind and decent human being who has always tried to help everyone and anyone who has ever needed it, yet here I am. Alone and terrified.. with nowhere to turn and no concrete or safe plan of escape. I would be eternally grateful for any countenance, support, counseling or assistance you could provide me. Please, if you can find it in your heart to reach out to me, you will be the hero of my story. Forever.
I thank you for reading this and I thank Donna Anderson for her tireless work at educating and informing people like myself, about Psychopathy. I have watched her videos on YouTube and have been so impressed with her dedication and support to the victims who otherwise wouldn’t stand a chance against the cunningly evil Sociopaths/Psychopaths of this world. You are a true inspiration.
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Dear Baby Red,
It is not good for you to have your details on this website. Sociopaths read these posts. Please edit your post and while you do this, I will write a reply. -
Baby Red, please contact the US National Domestic Violence Hotline 800-799-SAFE asap.
They will help you with a exit plan & safety plan out of your abusive relationship.
You are not alone…keep reaching out to the Hotline and ask them for your local abuse center number and go for free counseling & woman group meetings.
THERE IS A WAY OUT OF YOUR RELATIONSHIPS SAFELY…talk with the hotline counselor tonight!!!!
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Yes, follow Madelaine advise!!! Dont post personal info on this site or any other site. There are bad people lurking everywhere.
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Baby Red,
Welcome to the club. I know you feel alone, and are probably physically alone. However, you are not alone in the world. There are many, many people on this website who believe you, understand you and can offer you support. We have been where you are. We survived, are surviving. You are not destroyed. You “only” feel like you are destroyed.FEELING destroyed and BEING destroyed are not the same thing.
It is a terrible realization that the person whom you loved and trusted was using you. You are in shock. You have been deeply betrayed and used like an object. You did NOT deserve this.
It is night time and the night will be long. Your first task will be to get through this night. This will entail providing the equivalent of a mother’s caring arms around you. You will have to provide this for yourself. That is OK… as long as your body feels cared for, it doesn’t matter who is providing the care.
I have a box (it is an old fashioned ceramic bread box) that I keep things that comfort me. I have my favorite perfume (lily of the valley), some crossword puzzles and some jokes I downloaded but have not read. These are the things that distract my mind and enable me to get respite from the sorts of feelings you are describing.
What would you put in your “comfort box”? Collect those things now. Have a shower or a bath and use a fluffy new towel you probably have put away and not used. Your body deserves this. Google “jokes” on a topic that you would enjoy…. Any second of respite you can get from your current state is good. Make yourself a hot chocolate. Do you have a pet? It is very soothing to have a warm animal on your lap and stroke its fur.
Avoid alcohol. It makes the feelings worse. Focus on getting through the night and by tomorrow other people will have replied to your post. There might not be a lot of responses because it is the Easter break and many people do go away for a few days. Isn’t it strange how these crises always happen over a long weekend or public holiday?
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Baby Red, for your stress level look into “Adrenal Fatigue”. Symptoms of adrenal fatigue are memory loss, brain fog, anxiety, depression, panic attacks etc (it’s a long list).
Most victim of a sociopath have PTSD = adrenal fatigue. So educate yourself and this will help you to calm your mind & think clearly out of this relationship also.
See sites like DrLam. com & Adrenal fatigue. org.
Look into making a doctors visit with an Endocrinologist (deal with adrenal glands).
Google “Dr Amen depression you tube”.
You WILL return to your old self but stronger once you get this man out of your life and also focus on your health. Most victims feel like they are “100”. A toxic relationship is stressful!!! (extremely stressful).
HUGS TO YOU!!!
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Baby Red,
I assumed that the sociopath is not in your house. However, now that I have re-read your post and Jan 7’s reply, it is unclear whether this man is in your house. If he is in your house, or has a key to get in, you must leave immediately. Go to your local police department or even a hospital emergency room…. anywhere where there are lights, people working and activity.You are right that once a sociopath knows that you are on to them, they do become spiteful and vengeful. Look after physical safety first, then your psychological needs. Tomorrow you will find someone who can help you get new accommodation if necessary, and a restraining order.
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Baby Red, your story broke my heart. I’m so so sorry for the devastating losses of both your son and your sister. I can only imagine how overwhelming the grief is and how it must be taking vital energy you need now to move on from your longtime abusive partner. You will probably need help and a good in-person support system, along with Lovefraud, which is a Godsend.
For all you have been through, there is a reason you are here on the planet, and in some strange way, all of this hardship is part of it – to make you stronger in some way. You are fortunate to find Lovefraud. 20 years ago a site like this would not exist, and back in the 60’s and 70’s there weren’t even any computers. This is one very tiny positive, though it may not seem like much.
The other positive is that you have woken up to the nightmare. It means you are sane, and it means there is hope for your recovery. Please try to keep in mind a light at the end of the tunnel. It may feel dark and overwhelming right now, but you can get there. So sorry for all of your pain.
Hugs,
Stargazer
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