Processing

[funluvmusic25]

After my last post on “Putting the pieces together” I realize I’m processing now more than ever. The fog has lifted, there is no chaos and I’m self reflecting. I wouldn’t say I’m at any place of acceptance since I still feel there is trauma bonding residuals, yet I’m trying to thoughtfully look at my issues as well.

My sociopath/narcissist was not violent in any way….I would say he was more reckless always pushing the envelope. I always thought he was unlike any other man I’ve met in that he spoke from his heart, or so I thought. He could talk about his emotions and was not afraid to relay some of what I thought were truly his deepest feelings. I now believe he was mirroring me seeing how I was always an open book and very honest with my feelings. He had a soft side to him that was endearing and yes, he was handsome too. He’d said he never had a problem getting a woman which I thought was very arrogant, but he claimed he was just stating facts. He said the woman he referred to as the “pit – stop” approached him and he said he was flattered proving “he still had what it takes.”

Of course in the beginning I didn’t see all of this all at once instead it came out by bits and pieces, so it was easier for me to blindly let it pass.

Obviously, I had my own issues that made me a vulnerable target. As a young victim of sexual abuse by my mother’s husband who was not my biological father I grew up with low self esteem issues and hungry for the “right” kind of love from a man. I buried much of this until going through my divorce. Trying to save my marriage, I came across a wonderful therapist who, in the end, helped me process my abuse issues later confronting both my mother and her husband. Sadly, not long before my mother passed she agreed to my search for information on my biological father. Over the years my mother had conflicting stories, but I now think she had to resolve her own issues and do right by me. I knew by the time I did my search he would probably be deceased. That turned out to be the case, however I received some pictures and his health information which was a blessing. I know from some of the things I read he would have loved me, but he never knew I existed. As for any half siblings, he and his wife had only one daughter who passed away at an early age from MS. Ironically, my brother passed away from MS too. I’m at peace with everything and thankful my mother did the right thing. There was always this void in my life and now I can see how desperately I wanted to fill this void, hence the attraction to the charming N.

I grew up in a very dysfunctional household – my mother’s husband was a raging alcoholic who abused us all in one way or another. I was the oldest and always looked out for my younger siblings so I’m really good at care-taking. I also could bury the abuse and the dysfunction pretending I had a normal family…..my compartmentalizing skills are amazing. I ignore red flags thinking instead I can “fix” someone. Being a victim of abuse I feel I was lucky to come away with empathy and compassion and I’m always rooting for the underdog. I can see why it was so easy to overlook my N’s red flags, instead looking for the good in him or what he pretended to be good. In spite of my compassionate traits, I have to check myself so I’m not overly forgiving and taken advantage of. Lesson well learned from my experience with my N. Coming out of our dysfunctional household my siblings took many different paths from our experiences. My late brother was an alcoholic, yet truly a really good guy. He was diagnosed with MS and went from a Harley bike rider to a wheelchair passing away at age 52. My youngest sister dabbled in drugs and was a kidney transplant patient diagnosed at age 16. I think she was trying to make up for lost time after her transplant recovery with her partying and drug use. She sadly passed away at age 24 from Sepsis and other kidney related issues. She was 10 years younger than me, yet we were very close. My only living sibling is 4 years younger than me, but I’ve realized she too is a narcissist and having a relationship with her is exhausting so we are estranged.

I always wanted the “perfect” marriage and in many ways I did have that. My ex- husband and I grew apart when my son went off to college. I refer to my marriage as the “Leave it to Beaver” household with the white picket fence and all. My divorce brought much reality to my life, yet my son is the best part about my life, my marriage and everything I know to be true. He and his family bring me great joy!

I realize I’m learning many things much later in my life. I also realize I don’t have the knee jerk reaction most women do when someone like my N approaches. Most women would see him coming a mile away and would be repelled. Given my history, I tend to give the benefit of the doubt and try to look for the good even when red flags are blazing in front of me.

So my journey continues….reading, journaling, posting and finding myself. I have no desire to test the waters right now instead I’m counting my blessings and being grateful for what I have, not what I don’t have or what I think I need. I’m finding this site is a new community for me and a true blessing. This certainly has been a day of emotions as well as a day of purging and I thank you for listening!

[Jan7]

Hello Fun,

My heart aches for you reading your post. I’m so sorry you have endured so much pain in your life. You are a true life survivor! I am proud of you for having the strengh to keep marching forward in life. And you should be proud of yourself too. That’s not an easy thing to do…you are doing it with so much gumption. I’m so proud of you.💜💜💜💜 Sending you HUGE HUGS!!💜

I was one of the women you describe as seeing someone deciption immediately…however, sociopaths can easily maniupulate anyone and everyone to fall for their con game. I was sucked into my ex h tornado of manipulation very quickly. SO, all those other are still extremely vulnerable when it comes to sociopath…they love the game of sucking these types into their con game…it’s a challenge to them.

Steven Hassan, author of Freedom of mind and Cult expert states in his book that ANYONE and everyone can be sucked into a cult or domestic abusive relationship especially if they had a recent life change such as:

going thur a divorce, breakup, going off to school, empty nest, a move, death in the family etc
WHy this time?

Because our guard is down…we are focused on the issue (life change). For me I had just moved to a new state for a new job. My ex was friends of a friend who came up to visit me. I thought my ex h the first time I met him was a “Tornado” (exact words in my head the second I met him = did not like him)…second time..I though he was crazy…YEP…and I was right.

What I did not realize was how manipulation they are and how cunning they are and then throw in the love bombing…he would call my home phone 10 or more times & leave message even though I has at work…crazy i though…and I was right.

BUt, I was also lonely…and he use that to con me…out of everything. conned me to move in with him when I did not want to and even marry him. I say the RED FLAGS but was never use to someone steam rolling over my boundaries.

I think for me, the biggest lessons are:

Set strong boundaries and if someone tries to steam roll them..CUT them out of your life asap.

Never be lonely…learn to love yourself as they say…and yes this is correct.

Listen to your gut instincts. I came accross the interview “Oprah Gavin Debecker you tube” on listening to your gut instincts always.

See also Donna’s review of Gavin Debeckers book “The gift of fear” (your library may have it) One of the books that should be required reading in school. It’s powerful.

I also read lots on line about setting boundaries as I had lost the ablity during my marriage to set boundaries with my then husband (the socioapth)…It’s really imposible to set boundaries with them…yes, they will tell you everything you want to hear then do the opposite then beg for your forgiveness and or blame shift to make you the bad guy.

I just read this book “Getting love right by Terrence Gorski (EXCELLENT BOOK!!)

When I left my ex I was a mess…I could not tell you which way was up or which way was down…I felt like someone dropped me in a soda bottle & shook it so hard…

So like you I just keep reading & reading…and once the brain fog subsided…I was able to self reflect too…this hon is a POWERFUL MOMENT in your healing recovery…I’m proud of you..you must self reflect…but,

dont blame yourself for falling for his con game or not leaving earlier..the are masters at brain washing literally and mind control…exactly like a CULT LEADER. Part of my healing process was to just let go and accept that yes, I saw who he was the second I met him but still got sucked in. Like all of us…it’s a painful lesson…but you are making amazing strides to heal. This is what is more important.

I’ll right more tomorrow. YOu are so strong…you have endured so much pain in your life. So much. BUt, you keep moving forward…you are educating yourself…you are going to get thru this chapter of your life and thrive again…but, much stronger. 💜💜💜💜

[funluvmusic25]

Thank you Jan7 for your support and kind words. My story is difficult, yet I’m not telling it to gain sympathy rather I’m coming from a place of strength, resilience and reflection. With every challenge comes lessons to be learned. I’ve always been the over-achiever thinking if I did my best I could erase the dysfunction. Same for my time with my N……maybe if I loved him enough things would work out. The reality is we were not on even playing fields when it came to love. Mine was real and his was manufactured and fake.

I am a survivor through and through. I am very proud of my strengths, empathy, compassion and ability to love. I had to take a hard look at everything to help me understand what made me a vulnerable target and now I can better understand what took place. I analyze things and I’m an over- thinker…..yet this is the way I process and understand things. Tell me what time it is and I want to know how your watch was built.

I really loved my N …….or should I say I loved what I wanted him to be and who I thought he was. On the outside he was kind, soft spoken, understanding and best of all I thought he wanted what I wanted. I now know he can swap out any woman and act the same way….it’s manufactured and fake. Because it was long distance it lasted longer without me being able to verify things. He told me he was attracted to my strength and my spunk. I think that much might have been true given it lasted so long and it was a challenge for him.

It certainly was a life lesson and no matter how dysfunctional it was, it has added to my strengths. So, as the song goes “Don’t Cry for me Argentina.” I am a survivor and will survive and thrive from the loss of my N.

Thanks again for your kind words and empathy. Life is certainly not a straight line from A to Z, is it?!

[sept4]

Funluv I’m so sorry for all that you went through in your childhood and for the loved ones you have lost.

Yes your childhood traumas certainly made you vulnerable to sociopaths and they can hook into those childhood issues to manipulate you.

However as Jan said these con artists can target anyone. I came from a normal loving home with supportive parents and sibling. And I was still targeted and conned.

My vulnerability at the time was loneliness and being abroad and away from my family and friends.

And as you said boundaries are not even possible once you are trapped in a relationship with them. Every boundary you set will be ignored and disregarded. There are no limits on their behavior and if you do attempt to set limits they will either ignore them or leave you. They just will not tolerate it.

Anyway I’m so glad you are working through it all and understanding the toxic dynamic these people generate. Best of luck to you in your journey of understanding and recovery.

[funluvmusic25]

Sept4-Thank you for your kind words of encouragement. It’s comforting to know that anyone no matter their family background can become a target. I feel that posting helps me in that instead of spinning and spinning my brain can be used as a conductor of my thoughts as I physically type out the process. Somehow it seems more of a complete pattern rather than my thoughts just floating around in my brain.

My N did have a 5th child -a son that lives closer to him than his other children do. He was my N’s first born before my N joined the Navy and was stationed much further away. My N was not in his son’s life and they did not reconcile until his son was an adult. His son forgave him and said to my N “you’re here now and that’s all that matters.” My N is thrilled when his son takes him out for Father’s Day or other holidays and in some ways I see a familiar pattern here. His son also gives him money at times saying, “I know you can use the money Dad.” I’m sure all of his life his son longed for his father- graduation, college, marriage, yet his dad was not there. Fast forward to their reconciliation and I feel his son has the same vulnerabilities that make him an easy target. My N has expressed being alone as he ages and I feel he is ensuring his son will be there for him by targeting his son’s vulnerabilities. Both of our son’s are the same age with their birthdays only 10 days apart and in some way I feel my N was mirroring my great relationship with my son when he talked about him and his son. My N used to tell me he always tells his son that his son is a better man than he ever was and I’m sure that fills the void that his son had growing up without his dad.

I’d like to believe, if only for his son’s sake that their relationship is genuine, however knowing what I now know I do see a familiar pattern and my gut tells me my N has an agenda.

At any rate, it helps to post and receive everyone’s perspective along with the helpful tools that further educate me. There are days when I miss everything about my N and I feel less than strong, yet I know if I contacted him it would boost his ego, the cycle would start all over again and nothing would change. I sometimes wish I could just remove the emotional part of my brain- it would be so much easier.

It is indeed a journey of hard work and reflection. Hopefully, after purging so much of my story I can let the universe direct my path going forward. Again, thank you for your encouragement. It means a lot to me.

[Donna Andersen]

funluvmusic25 – I’m so sorry for what you have endured in your childhood. Please understand that you learned to be a caretaker in order to survive. Your step father assaulted you and your mother didn’t protect you. You had to figure out how to keep them placated in order to protect yourself.

Your story touches on the sometimes silver lining of becoming involved with a sociopath – it starts us on a journey of reflection and healing. Please continue with the processing, especially of all the emotional pain. Process what happened with the guy – and then what happened when you were a child. If you’re able to feel and release the pain of those early experiences, it will go a long way toward healing your heart. And that will bring more opportunities into your life.

[funluvmusic25]

I agree, Donna…..I certainly acquired survival skills from my childhood. I also feel there is a certain draw to dysfunction and chaos based on growing up in a household that overflowed with it. You could say as an adult I am conditioned to that atmosphere. That certainly made me vulnerable and a target for a narcissistic sociopath.

Thankfully, my therapist was my lifeline when I started to process my earlier years. As an adult woman I was able to confront both my mother’s husband and my mother. That was a huge burden off my shoulders. The confrontation actually took place less than a year before he passed away. I did not attend his funeral and have never looked back since. Also, I never refer to him as my step-father…..there was no “father” in him. To me he will just be my mother’s husband.

As I reflect the ending of my relationship with my N I can better understand how it happened. Granted it’s not my fault, yet residuals from my earlier experiences certainly played a role in how things evolved. That in and of itself is a lesson learned going forward.

Not to sound full of myself, but all of us women who share similar stories of our relationships with disordered personalities are such a catch! We are kind, caring, loving, loyal and we have so much to give. The narcissistic sociopaths are the ones who are on the losing end, yet unfortunately they will never experience any feelings of remorse. Truth is they can’t feel anything, period! Reflection is indeed a good thing!

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