PTSD from relationship

[whatsername17]

Hello, I found myself here after doing some research upon realizing i may have PTSD from a former relationship. I’m not 100% sure my ex is a sociopath but hoping you all can hear me out and give me some advice.

The last time I spoke to him was 10 years ago. Every 6 months or so I end up in a bad place of fixating and ruminating on the relationship, replaying bad fights, breakups (there were multiple) and wishing i had done things differently. I waiver between believing he is an asshole i never should have gotten involved with in the first place, to thinking if i had acted differently things would have been better and we may still be together today.

We met at college and started as a casual hookup on the weekends, but there was chemistry. After a few weeks of this we were at the same party separately and he gave me the cold shoulder and wouldn’t acknowledge or talk to me. I was baffled as i had done nothing wrong. I believe this was the first red flag, but guys sometimes get confused right?. A week later he ended up apologizing to me, saying he freaked out by he didn’t want a girlfriend but liked me. I took that at face value, but we couldn’t stay away from each other and eventually started dating seriously.

I was so into him. I believed i had finally found “the one”. We had arguments where He would get angry, insisted i instigated, and i would get the silent treatment (red flag #2?).

Our biggest issue In my eyes was that he didn’t make As much time to be as involved in my life as i was in his. We were together a year and a half when i was having some issues adjusting to life after college (i had a chaotic family life). In retrospect i believe i fell into this depression because i believed i was giving more than he was. If i were to mention something upset me or wanted to talk about What i was hoping we could work on in our relationship, he would get angry and tell me things were never good enough for me and i don’t appreciate him. We could not have a constructive discussion, would turn into an argument. He also couldn’t tell me he loved me.

We broke up twice and he came crawling back. The 3rd time we broke up He did it via text message. I should have never taken him back after that, but i did. a few weeks later i got too drunk and told him off Pretty aggressively as i was obviously angry at him. He refused to speak to me for months after that. I was devastated and apologized profusely. After I told him i was upset with him after how he broke up with me, he finally came around again, but refused to say we were exclusive, because I had to prove myself to him. Again i went along with it.

Eventually i got sick of it and stopped seeing him. I stopped talking to him and started dating someone else. He came back again, this time saying this was it, i was the one and he was going to make it right. I said I wasn’t sure. He said he would give me everything i had been wanting. I won’t bore you with the details but as soon as i gave in he pulled that back and said we should just be friends and see where things go (again). I told him he wasted 4 years of my life and he freaked out – he said i only wanted to get married (I was not looking to get married at that point btw) like all women and he is not going to do that now. That was the last time i spoke to him.

I eventually got married To a great man. I found out my ex Got married as well – and I often wonder if he met the perfect woman who he would settle down for, and what made him get married. Im in therapy. I wonder if i just went easier on him, didn’t get upset that he didn’t spend more time with my friends and family things would have been different. I also wonder if given our rocky start, did he show his true colors And i never should have even gotten involved with him in the first place? Either way as mentioned i occasionally find myself tortured by all this. This I want to find peace with this. Any thoughts or advice is much appreciated.

[sept4]

Hi whatsername, I also struggle with long term PTSD from my ex. I’m not sure what the solution is. I’ve done lots of counseling, self care, self help, focused on my own goals, strengthening relationships with family and friends etc. And I’ve been complete NC for many years. I am much stronger and healthier now and I found myself again.

But the trauma effects still linger on after all these years. It might just be that we have sensitive personalities and it’s just in our nature to look at the past and have difficulty with fully moving on emotionally.

In my case I do believe that there is nothing I could have done differently to change the outcome. My ex by his nature is a liar, cheater, manipulator, drunk, and drug addict. Anything I could’ve done differently would not have changed his character. He is not a good person morally and he did not genuinely love me or respect me. Those type of things you can’t change. People are who they are. And if I had been stronger and had set better boundaries against his behavior, that would have just ended the marriage sooner. It would not have changed his character.

One thing I do regret not doing differently is how I handled the divorce legally and financially. He was threatening me, intimidating me, pressuring me, and manipulating me to give up my assets. And I gave in because I was exhausted and too scared to speak up in court or to the police. So that is something I now ruminate on wishing I had stood up to him.

It’s wonderful that you found someone new who is a good person and married you. I hope you can focus on your present and future with him and look back at the past less and less. But I do think it’s normal for sensitive people to look back at the past and wonder or regret. I hope it will be less and less as you focus on your future with your new husband. Good luck to you.

[whatsername17]

Thank you for your kind words. If it makes a difference, my ex was bullied extensively in grade school, so much so that he had to be pulled out of public school and put into private school. Right Before we met he was arrested for getting into a physical fight with those individuals who bullied him. I don’t believe he got counseling for this. He also referred to all of his exes as crazy and even punched a wall when one set him off.

[Donna Andersen]

whatsername17 – The behaviors you describe in your ex are consistent with someone who has a personality disorder. If you look around on Lovefraud, you’ll probably find many stories that sound just like yours. Nothing you could have done would have made him treat you any better.

And don’t worry – his wife is probably being treated as badly as you were – or worse.

So why does this still bother you? Well, the wounds from these incidents go very deep. The way to truly recover is to let yourself really feel the emotions of what happened, whatever they are — pain, betrayal, anger, sadness, grief. Reach deep down and let the emotions come out of you.

This isn’t pretty, so it’s something that you should do privately. Your goal is to get the emotions out of your system. When you are able to release them, you will be free.

[whatsername17]

Thank you so much. I feel like I’ve felt these emotions already but maybe I haven’t let them all out. I feel just as hurt and upset today as I did at the time. And I feel like a fool for feeling that way.

[Donna Andersen]

watsername – I’d like to suggest another way of viewing your experience. Sometimes, when the incident is fresh, we do not have the psychological strength to deal with it at the time. Perhaps these feelings are coming up now – 10 years later – because it is now possible for you to cope with them, when you couldn’t previously.

So perhaps now you are ready to do the deep healing work. And then you can be free of the experience.

[lady212]

I just read this and can relate. I just posted today with some resources that may be helpful to you. I w Italy do EMDR for trauma. I know yoga and dance or anything with movement has good research too. It’s a tough ride and normal and this reaction is your body’s wAy of telling you that you were hurt. Be gentle and kind with yourself- check out my post from today maybe it will help you!

[thesmiths]

whatshername, I was bullied at school by classmates and at home by a disordered parent. I’ve never abused anyone and am not a sociopath. Personality disorders are inherited, in my opinion.

There’s a great book explaining physical abusers by Lundy Bancroft – Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. It points out the flaws/inconsistencies for the explanations abusive men give for violence and abuse. Excellent book!

I also have found EMDR very helpful to get past my PSTD. I don’t have it popping up any longer or at least for a long time. Donna Andersen has webinars on tapping which is similar to EMDR.

Hope you are doing better.

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