Putting the pieces together after the “fog” lifts

[funluvmusic25]

I’m only 3 months into NC that I initiated, yet after the “fog” of the chaotic, word salad relationship has lifted I find I’m now capable of seeing all of the red flags I chose to ignore when I was star struck and so in love with my N.

Red Flags:
Early on he was the first to tell me he loved me saying even though I hadn’t said it he knew how I felt about him and he would be the first to say it. How presumptuous of him, right?!

Again, early on he asked me to marry him. When I told him I had no intentions of getting married again (been there, done that) he re-adjusted his ploy and pretended to be okay with that.

Moving into my home – he said if he put forth any money for any projects around my house he expected to have his name registered on my home title. He relayed that it was a mistake he made not having his name on his ex-wife’s home.
Oh sure, all of my blood, sweat and tears would be divided and he would get half when he decided to make his exit after a short period of time?! I don’t think so!

He once said he “messed up” (guessing some legal mess) and needed me to help him by loaning him $500. I was newly retired and told him I hadn’t had time to adjust to my new budget and would think it over. When I came back and refused his request, he said he likes to ask certain questions to see my reaction. Right! Had I decided to send him the money I’m certain he would have eagerly taken it with no repayment! That was the first and last time he ever asked or hinted at money from me.

He lied about his DUI’s and subsequent consequences which is all public records information. Currently he is driving with a revoked 10 year suspension of his license and I’m sure no insurance, yet he told me he has a valid license and no one took his license from him. The DMV in his city says otherwise and they sent me a copy of the letter they sent to him informing him of his revoked license.

He has 4 children by three different women living in another state from his earlier years that he has no relationship with and walked away from without a second thought. Yet he feels he did his duty paying probably minimal child support up to the age of 18 or, in his words, “he supported them until they were out of his pocket.”

He is a heavy drinker especially when his group of so-called friends or relatives are supplying the drinks. Like a parasite he stays close to these people.

Funerals of aging relatives seem to arise frequently whenever he needs an excuse to disappear for awhile saying “family matters come first.”

He quickly moved in with a female when we were on the outs saying he was just “helping” her out with paying her a minimal monthly amount and she was “helping” him out too. She obviously thought it was more than that as she went through his cell phone, found he had been calling my number and she ended up calling me. He wrote off his association with her and staying at her home as just a “pit-stop.”

Every scenario he frames himself as looking so noble! The list goes on and on……however when I take leave of my emotional brain, I can truly see all of these red flags I chose to ignore while I was with him. A part of me even in the thick of things knew that I would never allow his name on my home, etc. yet I chose to listen to the satisfying love bombing while it created this silent addiction and fog. The fog has lifted even if the residuals of the trauma bonding remain, yet I feel my intelligent, fact driven brain is slowly coming forth. I also think while I was in the thick of the relationship under his “spell” I felt it would be different with me and that love would conquer all. That could not be further from the truth. I really dodged a bullet having the long distance miles and the court system keep us apart. Hallelujah!

Whew, lots of venting here, but a good thing to be able to do in order to ward off the emotional and sad moments. Thanks again for listening!

[thesmiths]

Funluv, what a strange person he is! You say no to his odd requests. That’s something to be proud of. Also having three months of NC is good.

It’s been four years for me. The fog would drift in and out. It becomes thinner with time. It’s great to vent because you tend to stick with NC and the trauma bond weakens bit by bit.

[Donna Andersen]

funluvnysuc25 – yes – it’s amazing how we can see the truth once we get away from them. They do keep us in a fog. That’s why No Contact is so important – it allows the fog to lift, so we can once again use our thinking brain!

[funluvmusic25]

I appreciate your feedback, Donna. The more I take time to look back at all of the red flags, the more I can see all of the negatives. The only positive I look back on is how I felt during the love bombing period. It made me feel so sure he was it for me. Little did I know at the time it was all fake.

After awhile I got to feel like the disappointed kid who’s parents divorced and he was waiting for his dad to pick him up for the weekend. The kid would sit on the steps early in the day and watch for every car that came down the street thinking the next one would be his dad. Before long it was starting to get dark and the kid’s mom had to tell him to come inside……his dad never showed up. That is life with a narcissistic sociopath. They talk a good talk, yet actions are never there.

I know there is still trauma bonding that exists for me, yet without the chaos and fog at least I can look back and see things for what they were. That’s a big step in the right direction.

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