Recognizing a ‘spath

[emilie18]

I recently came face to face with a bonafide narcissist and possibly a sociopath. It was bone chilling – but so amazing that I spotted him immediately. This site has educated me on what to look for, how to pay attention to gut feelings, and how to deal with dangerous individuals. This man is the father of my granddaughters fiancé. We met when I took my granddaughter to watch the love of her life graduate basic training. If you have not seen a military ceremony it is truly a spectacle – proud, uniformed young people parading to patriotic music, emotional ceremonies, speeches, and crowds of delighted and enthusiastic families watching. It is all about ceremony, pride of country and honoring these brave young people who have volunteered their lives to the nation. The first thing this man said, as he reached around his wife, pushing her back, was “how do you like this shirt?” He was wearing a muscle T shirt with an eagle and flag, showing off his tattoos – everyone else around us was dressed conservatively. Then he said – “Oh you must be the infamous grandma – well I am the father of the star of the day.” I was a bit taken aback but polite. At the end of the ceremony the newly graduated airmen must stand at attention until “tapped out” by a friend or family. My granddaughter had told me her fiancé had specifically asked HER to do this honor and that he had told his parents so. I watched in pride as she approached him, planning to stare into his eyes for a long moment to torture him a bit, then hug him, when his father pushed her aside and tapped his shoulder and gave him a hug. My granddaughter’s face was a study in anger and disbelief, as was her fiance’s. Then he yelled to his wife “Did you get that on camera? Here let me do it again!” By then all my red flags were flapping in the wind. I offered to take the young couple to the hotel to freshen up (it was 105 and muggy and he had been at attention for an hour!) Later we met the family for lunch, and his father spent the entire time bragging about HIS time in the military, his job as a correctional officer, his recent retirement, while I tried to steer the conversation elsewhere – anywhere else. He flirted with the waitress, greeted people as they came in and downed three drinks at lunch. His wife barely said a word. That night I talked to my granddaughter about this and mentioned that I thought the man was an insufferable narcissistic idiot and she said “Thank God – I am so glad you saw that!” Then she told me about her fiancé’s early life – how his father regularly beat him, his siblings and mother for any and all misbehaviors, real or imagined, how he was made to feel less-than all the time, constantly compared to his older siblings (who had both left at 18 to join the military), how when their roof collapsed in a storm when he was 17, the family moved to a trailer but his father told him there wasn’t room for him and made him stay in a damp, moldy house “to protect it from robbers”, yet gave him NO financial support – he was expected to work part time while trying to graduate – how he was constantly criticized and told he was a failure, and how the only time his father ever showed him any affection was if it reflected good on him. Then she told me they had eloped a few months earlier but didn’t tell anyone because the thought of a huge wedding with that man in attendance was unthinkable. She told me they have asked for them to be assigned either overseas or to Hawaii or Alaska just to get away from his father. I told her about this site and recommended she read the books and advice. My spine still tingles when I think of this man, and I am so sad for his son. My granddaughter has a good head on her shoulders, though, and is getting him into therapy. I hope she heeds the advice here and can help him deal with this. And I am happy and amazed that I am now allowing my radar to work properly and not be fooled by charm and charisma (which the father exuded). Not too long ago I would have ignored the braggadocio and strutting and allowed myself to be charmed. Not now. Not ever again.

[polestar]

Hi Emilie – I am at the Toyota dealership and answered your post 2 times and both times at the very end, suddenly they went blank. I’ll write another to you after I get home. Better submit this before it goes blank! Blessings

[polestar]

Hi again – it keeps happening ( even though I am at home now ). I again wrote something for you and suddenly what I said disappeared before I could submit it, I’ll try again later and post a bunch of shorter ones. Blessings to you

[polestar]

Hi Emilie – I’m going to try to be succinct here – what really struck me about the narcissistic father in law was how he stole that precious moment from your granddaughter and her husband. It was their moment of joy, tenderness and honor and he just took it away from them. I am glad that you were able to be a witness to that in order to validate your granddaughter. ( to be continued )

[polestar]

Hi Emelie – I wanted to add that people usually talk about the aspects of Narcissist’s behavior like gaslighting, lying, smear campaigns etc – but I would like to point out how also they are always stealing – on one level or the other. Financial stealing is very apparent, but there are so many other ways like about stealing that beautiful moment that could have been. I am so glad that you have progressed so much to be able to see his behavior with so much clarity. It is great for you personally and you were able to help one you love as well. And all of us here by sharing. Thank you. Blessings to you.

[emilie18]

polestar – so sorry for your internet/posting issues… so very frustrating! Yes, I agree – his behavior was unacceptable, cruel and self-serving. What makes me sad is that this young man STILL craves his father’s acceptance and love, even though every experience from his past tells him he will only get an act, not the real thing. His father only shows him any attention when he can brag about it (thus the insistence on getting a good picture – that was all over his facebook page within minutes!). That is why I am praying their first duty station is far, far away. They need time to work on their “us” without interference. They need to be a strong team if they are going to deal with this man anytime in the future. Both of this young man’s siblings support him whole-heartedly, and he is trying to help his 18 year old sister who is now going through her own private hell. His parents moved out of state a month before she graduated high school, leaving her to fend for herself. She has never been taught to drive a car, cook a meal or any other life skills, so she is couch surfing. They told her they would support her if she moves in with them, but if she doesn’t she is on her own. She KNOWS the only reason her mother wants her around is to be a buffer from her father’s abuses, so she elected to stay, but she is so very lost (I met her on that trip). My granddaughter and her husband are helping her work through enlisting as that is the best way out of her situation. Does anyone have any recommendations for reading to help him understand the life-long ramifications of growing up with narcissistic abuse and how to get help? I am a bit afraid once he gets deeper into his military career that he will be unwilling to go to therapy (the stigma and all that). Many thanks!

[Donna Andersen]

Emilie18 – that man is an insufferable brute. That’s the description to came to mind, even though he likely qualifies as narcissist, antisocial, etc. Isn’t it amazing how obvious they are, once you know what to look for?

I’m glad your granddaughter eloped. And yes I hope their duty station is far away. In any event, they should definitely stay away from that man.

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