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I feel the same way!
When my ex and I would argue, I was always left feeling guilty and confused. She said I twisted things around, that she was scared to say anything because I would later turn it around and use it against her. She said I make her feel terrible about herself and seem to always been pointing out and making worse the ways she already feels insecure and inept.
She would complain about not wanting to fight and how everything was a fight with me. I didn’t want to fight either. I felt like it was usually something strange she did, omit telling me she’s spent the evening with her ex, and I was reacting to that, that would start big fights. I would analyze the situation and tell her I thought it was manipulative and selfish and out of line. I felt like she created chaos and then I got angry and said harsh things to her and then she’d tell me she couldn’t take it anymore. She said she felt judged by me and like I didn’t even like her. That I made things personal and criticized who she was, her character. I know I antagonize people by over analyzing things and forgetting to validate their feelings before jumping to another critique. I do this. I wish I didn’t. I’ve been trying to pause and validate people out loud more, but I’m not great at it.
All of these things she said about me sound like spaths. That I don’t take responsibility, that I blame others, that I lash out and criticize her when I’m angry or wrong. That I make it about me and say things like above, that I only acted that way because she did something to make me angry.
When I read about spaths I get scared, because this sounds familiar. I don’t want to be that person. And yes, what if I’m just walking around hurting people?
But then, there are things about her that line up with the red flags, although not all. She didn’t take anything from me, she didn’t rage at me or tell grandiose lies (that I know of) (but she did very often omit information that is important in a relationship with someone).
I was in a relationship with this woman for almost three years. She over-the-top love bombed me, until I left my husband (while dating her), I was struggling in an unhappy marriage at the time and was not my best self. She told me that we had a love and connection most people don’t find in their lifetimes, soul mates, I was her person. I don’t really believe in soul mates. But I started to believe her and then I really believed it for awhile. We had so much in common. She was so attentive and said she wanted to love me better than anyone had ever loved me. We had so much fun together and really great philosophical discussions.
When I told her I wanted to go slow, she said she needed more from me – this relationship was too special to not run into. I tried to keep her pace, but I was going through so much. I broke it off three times, feeling overwhelmed, I needed to be just friends while I ended my marriage. She was very angry. She said that was so hurtful. That I was ruining any chance of a future for us by making things unstable. She said she felt like something in her heart shut off the last time I broke it off and wasn’t sure she could get back “there” with me, but she wanted to try. I committed to not breaking up again and working to keep our relationship at the centre of my life. Although, she said she never felt I did that. That she felt peripheral. (I have kids and a career and aging parents – probably more than her was at the centre for me no matter how hard I tried).
When we argued, it was often me who did most of the talking. She often went silent and wouldn’t look at me. When I asked her what was going on for her and that I was feeling rejected by that she said she was angry and processing, I confused her and made her feel bad and she needed time (although she never brought it up again and was offended if I did – I was picking a fight). Sometimes I thought we were discussing a political issue or something not related to “us”, that wasn’t personal, and only much later realize she felt personally attacked by my analysis and dismissal of her perspective. I felt horrible and domineering, which is not who I ever want to be. I want to hear other perspectives (at least I think I do). I don’t know how I keep doing this. I don’t even recognize myself anymore.
Since that last time I tried to break it off, there weren’t the all day text messages. She wasn’t so attentive. She was comparing me to her ex and spending a lot more time with her ex.
She broke up with me six months ago. She asked that we be close friends, in fact just keep everything the same, except no longer be romantic partners. I was completely crushed. I didn’t see the breakup coming even though we’d had some big fights recently. She said she felt relief in ending in it with me. I spent months writing her emails and asking her to talk to me because I didn’t think we should give up this easy on something so special. That I didn’t realize I was having this effect on her. I don’t want to be that person in her life. I wanted to work with her to become more healthy in relationship. She said she was willing but only as friends. She said she had tried so many times to tell me how badly I treated her and I didn’t hear her.
She moved in with her ex three months ago (she said only as friends because she had financial and other problems and she felt it was her only option). I had asked her to move in with me a month earlier. But she laughed and said she didn’t think that was a good idea, that she’s not able to feel safe with me, and she needed to be on her own.
I am terrified that it is me who is the narcissist. I never meant to hurt her. I went to therapy and tried to figure out my issues in my marriage, process the hurt and guilt there, understand how I could be so mean when my complete focus was on being the best partner for her and building a life with her.
And poof! It’s all gone. She continues to say that she wants a friendship with me, but it is me who calls and texts and tries to talk to her and move forward. She is distracted with a high status job and takes a long time to respond or doesn’t respond. She agrees to times to meet, but I feel awful and tentative around her. She says she feels scared of me and cautious around me.
I feel like the actions of a narcissist and the reactions of their victim described in these books and articles are very similar – like maybe she has been protecting herself from me by not “feeding the vampire” and I’m the one who is constantly saying I’ll change and I can do better and she’s not taking me back. She even says she needs space from me because she so easily gets sucked back in and that’s not fair to me or her.
I really don’t know who’s the spath, but it sure seems like one or both of us must be. Am I mentally unstable?? I have trouble focusing on anything else. Please help!
(Sorry this is so long 🙁 )
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whichwayisup – It sounds to me like you are ok, and your former partner is disordered. Everything you described about her behavior is what a sociopath would do, and everything about your behavior is typical of someone who is reacting to sociopathic manipulation.
Please keep reading Lovefraud, from the perspective that the articles describe your ex and not you.
You are worried about how you affect her. If you were a narcissist, you wouldn’t worry about her feelings at all.
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