Self doubt

[melannie]

I like to think that after years of being abused and trying to have boundaries and self love to get away. It all becomes a blur at the many attempts to escape why I would end up feeling cognitive conflict loving him seeing his pain and feeling pity and believing he wanted me to be his mate for life through thick and thin. Then right when I was believing the illusion a new form of rejection or abuse. Until I felt I was nothing without him. Recently I knew I needed out but still hanging on to the dream of illusion I just distracted myself and became distant. Then he got very ill and refused help but I was genuinely concerned so I took him some food and medicine and he said he didn’t want to get me sick so I needed to leave. I trusted he had my best interest because he looked horrible. Might also be because he is a heavy drinker who drinks a half gallon to a gallon of hard liquor a day who thinks that asking for help is weakness but I believe he was trying to stop drinking but feels horrible. Two days later he asked me to come stay with him and I said that I couldn’t get sick. He immediately rejected me and became irritable and would not respond to me for the following two days. I then asked him for all my things back and the next day he dropped my things off and just gazed at me with sadness. I didn’t reach out and two days later he contacted me late accusing me of cheating on him and insisted I come out in a indirect way with attacking me and bringing up my past trauma and accusing me of being evil lier and sexual deviant.
I reacted with telling him that I couldn’t tolerate his abuse or his alcoholism and anger. I told him he was the one who cheated and then lied for months. That I was done and blocking him. After a day I unblocked him and sent him a message that if he treated me with kindness and showed support and acceptance then I would forget the pain caused by the past abuse and move on to show him respect and defend him and his reputation to anyone who ever doubted his honor or good will.
I did this out of guilt for my reaction also kinda gives him a chance to make it better but I know he can’t. Why do I still want to believe the good in him and questioning if he really is horrible or if it is me that brings it out.i have to believe that I have control but after 5 years I can’t get away he is never finished with me. My friends and both of our family members say that I am the only one he wants. How can I be sure of anything? Is it over for good? Is he going to come back? What can I do to stop obsessing about the situation and trust myself.

[Sunnygal]

melannie- Amber Ault’s book The 5 Step Exit talks about deciding to stay or leave. You might read it.

SG

[polestar]

Hi Melanie – I totally agree with sunnygal – Amber Ault’s book called “ The Five Step Exit “ completely explains everything that you are going through. She will validate your feelings and you will be educated about the toxic relationship you are in and how to extricate yourself from it. It is a small book but very pertinent and usable. Not expensive on Amazon. You sound like an extremely compassionate person, and in my opinion, now is the time for you to direct your kindness and love towards making the environment of your life one that supports your joy.
Blessings

[Donna Andersen]

Melanie – what you are experiencing is a trauma bond. Believe it or not, it is a natural reaction to abuse. You feel fear and anxiety, which makes the psychological bond that you feel to him stronger. This is why it is difficult to get away.

He will never change. He will continue to abuse you and play games with you. I recommend that you choose yourself, and decide that you are finished with him. Then go No Contact. The longer you stay away, the more his grip on you will unravel.

[Sunnygal]

Melannie- You said he is an alcoholic. Some alcoholics do get sober and change but not if they are enabled. This guy is enabled.

SG

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