Self esteem and our addiction to the sociopath

[jonuk]

I wrote about my own personal story elsewhere on this forum. But I wanted a start separate discussion about one of the main conclusions I have drawn from my experience.

I have cut contact now after 5 years and I’m slowly recovering from my addiction to her. For me the worst aspect about that relationship was the extremely damaging effect her actions and words had on my self esteem. And yet despite this I found it almost impossible to let go of her and craved sexual contact with her.

But here’s my conclusions about this. The addiction developed NOT inspite of her bad behaviour but as a result of it. In other words her destructive effect on me created a desperate desire within me for validation from her. And so I couldn’t walk away.

I’m sure we have all heard the phrase “treat em mean, keep em keen”. Well this is essentially what happens.

I couldn’t let her go, because to do so would feel like unfinished business. She made me feel like I wasn’t good enough, and in my distorted thinking, if I left her , I would always feel that way. I needed to stay by her side in order for her to correct the damage…which in reality she never could.

Of course this is all going on subconsciously. It’s not that I rationally believed she could ever change anything. But as we all know our feelings overwhelm our rational mind in this situation.

And the very fact that I couldn’t walk away reinforced the sense that I was in love with her, and even fuelled extreme sexual desire for her. But this is not real love, it’s a warped need and is super unhealthy in my opinion.

I have never felt such desire, and it’s bizarre to think it’s fuelled by a desire for validation. In my opinion, for what it’s worth, sex with a sociopath is often good because of the way they make us feel psychologically, and has less to do with any physical skills they may possess.

But it takes two to tango as they say. And the victim is as much involved in the process as the abuser. They create the damage and because of our history and psychological makeup, we become addicted to it. There are people who are far less likely to be caught in the sociopaths trap, because they are stronger and wouldn’t stand for it.

It’s only finally when your rational brain tells you there is no other way that you get the courage to cut contact. But you are still left with a profound damage to your self esteem.

Hopefully in time this heals and we should be able to look back on these events and see the toxic partner for what they really are, a nasty piece of work.

I’m writing this partly because it’s cathartic to do so, but I’d like to hear if anyone can relate to what I’m saying about the need for validation…

[Donna Andersen]

Jonuk – thank you for sharing your thoughts. You are exactly right, but I want to make sure you understand that the addiction you felt was not any kind of character flaw in yourself.

What you experienced was a trauma bond, also called a betrayal bond. This is a known psychological phenomenon described as a highly addictive attachment to someone who has hurt you.

The best book on the subject is, “The Betrayal Bond” by Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D. He enumerates the signs of a trauma bond, such as,

• when you obsess over showing someone that he or she is wrong about you, your relationship or the person’s treatment of you
• you move closer to someone you know is destructive to you with the desire of converting them into a non-abuser
• when you find yourself missing a relationship, even to the point of nostalgia and longing, that was so awful it almost destroyed you

You’ve already figured out a lot on your own. But I think if you learn more about the betrayal bond, it will clear up any further confusion.

[jonuk]

I’ve actually read that book and others on the same topic. It was good although quite a lengthy read.

You are absolutely correct, I was in a betrayal bond, which is apparently created by intermittent reinforcement. This tendency to create addictive behaviour has even been demonstrated in experiments on animals.

However I have never really understood why intermittent reinforcement creates addiction in this way. After all its counter intuitive. You would think if someone repeatedly subjected you to abusive behaviour…. You’d be out of there so fast. But its not so.

Clearly its necessary for a bond to exist before the abuse starts, otherwise we would walk away. But once the bond has been created, the repeated on off threat to it, sends us haywire.

The reason I mention self esteem and the need for validation is because I think this is somehow an intrinsic part of this process although I can’t say exactly how.

And although I accept my addiction is not a character flaw, I suspect some are more susceptible than others.

Also as an aside, I may be wrong but I get the impression that many people find infidelity one of the most difficult thing to cope with. I spoke to someone who discovered her partner was gambling, doing cocaine and having sex with prostitutes. She said it was the infidelity she found the most upsetting.

[polestar]

Hi jonuk – I think that you have gleaned a very significant aspect of abuse – the ability to destroy a person’s self worth, and in the final analysis, a person’s self love. I have been very much aware of this dynamic from my own experience. Before I go into that though, it is also a part of the stages of abuse being 1. Love bomb, 2. Devalue then 3. Discard. What you are describing is the devalue. If the devalue takes root, and then grows and does become a horrific situation that can cause the destruction of the victim. There are many strategies that they use to accomplish this end and the knowledge of their tactics is both preventative if you can catch it early enough and then can also be healing to get you back up. But in any case, my particular situation does address the issue of a person’s vulnerability as being an aspect to how much or if at all, the recipient is affected. I was brought up by my great aunt and uncle from the age of about 6 or 7 years old due to the fact that my mother had a drug addiction. Though my mother did have the drug problem she was underneath a caring person ( she has now passed away, but I have always felt that about her ) but my great aunt in particular though she was looked upon very highly in society’s standards, she was a horrific narcissist/sociopath. I was brought up with my cousins who were like brother and sister to me. But for my great aunt, I was the handy scapegoat. She demonstrated all the classical characteristics of an abuser – mainly verbal, psychological and screaming. The thing is that I did not believe her. I never felt bad about myself – she always tried to make her own “ real “ children out to be much superior to me but again, I did not believe that no matter how she acted to prefer them or tried to demean me. I had lots of friends at school and was liked very much which helped. Fast forward in my life, no matter what happened or how I was treated I seemed to retain this feeling of self love … until I got involved with someone whom I adored and then got betrayed by. That did knock me down tremendously in terms of my feeling of being a nothing and not worthy. Part of it was that I felt that he was so worthy and so good ( in my eyes ) so that if there was a problem, then it had to be me ( I felt ). One might wonder or speculate that I really – underneath it all, had a negative self image due to my childhood and that it all came out later. I have pondered that but my conclusion is that it was not the case. Because I am now getting my “ me “ back – the one who did and does feel worthy of being loved and the one who does feel a sense of personal inner beauty and goodness. I had to fight dramatically ( in an inward sense ) to get that back. Further, it is my belief that each one of us has that core of worth and that sense of goodness. That it can be discovered and found and then it needs to be given tremendous value by our very own self. That to me is what healing is all about. We discover that preciousness and then we will no longer allow anyone to jeopardize it. By going No Contact, by educating ourselves about these predators etc. So anyway, I quite agree with you about self esteem being so very significant. And about the fallacy of thinking that they have the power to redeem us back to our goodness. That was also the biggest struggle for me.

[Donna Andersen]

Januk – Good insights. I also want to clarify that multiple psychological experiences contributed to the establishment of a betrayal bond, not just intermittent reinforcement.

For example, there’s the cycle of pleasure when a relationship is going well, fear and anxiety when the sociopath does something to threaten the relationship, and then reconciliation when you kiss and make up. This happens over and over, and with each turn of the wheel, the psychological bond that you feel gets stronger and stronger.

I think anyone can be snagged by a sociopath. They work to find our vulnerabilities, and then use them to manipulate us. Guess what? We all have vulnerabilities. It can happen to anyone.

[jonuk]

I was under the impression that the cycle of pleasure / fear & anxiety was more or less the definition of intermittent reinforcement. Maybe I have misunderstood.

But what I found particularly damaging to my self esteem, was that the fact that she seemed so normal most of the time. Had she been obviously disordered in some way the abuse would have been easier to deal with.

And I have to keep reminding myself that her behaviour was not normal and it’s not an indication of any inadequacy in myself.

[polestar]

Hi jonuk –
I think what you are describing is called “ cognitive dissonance “ because there were two opposing and opposite realities that were presented to you – one that she was disordered and the other that she behaved normally. Even if it was not a 50/50 ratio, it is still extremely confusing. The researcher who initially made this discovery about cognitive dissonance said that the problem is that the way that our brains work is that it is too stressful to have opposing realities at the same time. So I can understand how damaging and upsetting that would be to you. Because you would need to continually deny what you knew to be true when she was acting normal because of how the brain works as explained. It would hurt your self esteem because it would cause you to doubt yourself and that is devastating. Another way that this shows up often is when the person’s partner appears stellar in terms of virtue and social standing, but behind closed doors is abusive. From what I understand, your ex was able to function very well in the world with her job and social standing. That disparity would also cause tremendous self doubt because the person would question their own perception because of having no outward validity. There would be isolation happening as well. All of these issues comprise psychological abuse. But with the great community of survivors, we give that validation, support and knowledge to each other. Thank you so much for sharing because it is so helpful for all of our healing.
Blessings

[sunnygal1]

Januk. You might read the I Refuse post. It is. Helpful

[jonuk]

Thanks for the suggestion, I think affirmations may help.

The cognitive dissonance is such a fascinating part of the puzzle. Despite knowing on an intellectual level my ex was not normal. The emotional connection, the wishful thinking, and seeing what appeared to be a normal responsible person most of the time, completely watered down my rational observations. It’s as if she was inside my head telling me how normal and nice she was, while events suggested otherwise. I felt I was going insane. I was in a state of disbelief, of shock.

I’m slowly starting to see things with a clearer head but it’s so slow.

I am simply not the same person anymore. I’m still slightly depressed and struggle to get motivated. I have bad dreams about her. I have zero libido.

Is it possible that some people never fully recover?

[sunnygal1]

januk I don’t know Best to ask Donna

[sociopathysucks]

Jonuk – much of what you have said sounds familiar. When you said “in order for her to correct the damage”, I’m reminded that when my ex would do and say things that cut deep, part of my response would then be wanting to go to her seeking trauma care to stop the bleeding. In my case, the idea of looking to her to undo or heal the damage, which I think maps to what you’re saying about providing validation, came with a powerful sense of need fueled by isolation. By the time her actions were so overtly caustic, I had allowed myself to become seriously isolated from any outside support which left me with few options – and the trap closes.

Donna – thanks for the book suggestion.

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