Setting and Keeping Boundaries

[emilie18]

My granddaughter married a lovely, sweet man who was raised in a horrible, abusive family. His father is a classic narcissist who has continuously used physical and mental punishment, cheated on his wife constantly, always has to be the main topic, and bullies his way into and out of any situation. He lies, drinks heavily, is highly inappropriate with women and macho toward men. He abandoned his 16 year old son in a house whose roof had collapsed in a storm to live in a trailer with his wife and young daughter, claiming there was no room for the boy, then moved the family to another state. He intermittently sent money, but essentially left his son to couch surf to survive. The money would stop if the boy did anything to anger him – like disagree with him or talk back. His wife is the classic abused woman who says and does nothing for fear of becoming the victim, allowing him to beat on his kids rather than her. My granddaughter met him when he was 17, tried to help him, and eventually fell in love with him. He joined the military soon after he graduated high school as a way out of this horrid situation. They eloped when they were 21. She never met his parents until a few months after they married. But she heard the stories, met his brothers and sister, who confirmed the truth, and went to therapy with her fiancé. However, she was raised in a loving, happy, embracing family and had never experienced even the slightest abuse from them, so she had no reference to really, deeply understand the level of narcissistic trauma. So when she met his parents for the first time – at her fiancé’s military graduation – she was ill prepared for the level of entitlement, bullying and intimidation this man exhibited. I happened to be at the graduation and saw all this first hand – from the second I met this man my radar was activated. The number of red flags was unbelievable. I had some long and truthful conversations with my granddaughter and continue to talk with her to this day. Now she and her husband are stationed about 250 miles away from his parents, and they are constantly trying to control the kid’s lives. My granddaughter has called me for advice on how to set boundaries – but the father just bulldozes his way over them. When he catches her alone he has touched her inappropriately, talks about highly unsuitable topics (like his sex life), flirted with her (in front of his wife, who then takes it out on her), showed up at their house after being told No – because he “had some stuff to give them and they couldn’t refuse a gift”, insisted on them celebrating all holidays with them. They have told them they have other plans, but they still are insisting and threatening to show up if they don’t come. She is at her wits end on how to enforce her boundaries. Her husband has her back, but the parents don’t even consider his requests as valid. I have advised them to be out of town on ALL holidays – invited them for Christmas with me, and her cousins are having them for Thanksgiving. This is difficult because he does not have a lot of leave accumulated. All of their kids have very low contact with their parents. The last daughter just graduated from military (most of his siblings joined as a means to get away from him). Her husband has requested an overseas station as soon as possible, but the military moves at its own pace.

My question – are there any books or websites that I could send my granddaughter (besides this one, which she has visited) to help her with these Very Toxic People? She understands the issue, but is having a very hard time enforcing her and her husband’s boundaries. Thank you.

[sept4]

Boundaries don’t work with abusive people. They will just waltz right over them. Boundaries are a matter of respect and abusers don’t have any respect for others.

So my advice to her would be don’t bother trying to set or enforce boundaries. All you can do is move away and/or end contact altogether.

[Donna Andersen]

I agree that the best solution is No Contact. I’ve spoken to plenty of adult children of sociopaths who have had to disown their parents. It is painful but necessary for survival.

So that means all the typical No Contact strategies. When the soldier is given his duty station, don’t even tell the parents. Change phone numbers and email addresses. If they manage to find your grandchild and her husband, they should not respond to any contact.

If your granddaughter and her husband have difficulty implementing a No Contact program, it probably means that they need therapy themselves. There is often a lot of guilt in these situations.

You also might want to suggest Mandy Friedman’s webinar, “How abusive parents affect you and how you can recover.” She has lots of great info and does include some boundary setting guidance.

Webinars on escaping sociopaths, narcissists and relationship abuse

[emilie18]

Donna – thank you. I have sent that link to my granddaughter. So far they are trying the ‘gray rock’ method, as moving is not an option — they live in base-subsidized housing off base and the parents have been to their rental. Very few options for cheap housing where they live. My granddaughter has an on-line business, so even with a phone change she can be contacted by them through the selling site. The big issue is the parents tend to just show up uninvited, and my granddaughter does not have a car, so she is stuck at home. She and her husband have told the parents that the holidays will NOT work for them to visit as they already have plans, and the parents are just not listening. They have sent detailed itineraries to the entire family, with “what to bring” lists. None of the four siblings have any intention of showing up and have repeatedly said so – but the “plans” keep coming. So, she and her husband just keep saying “sorry – can’t make it” and giving absolutely NO further information. The father has tried every guilt trip known. He recently went through prostate surgery and claimed it was cancerous (no one knows for sure) so he has tried pulling the pity party. To my amusement my grandson-in-law remarked “wish it would have killed him”. I think the lad is on a good trajectory! So, I am continuing to provide long-distance support and encouragement and sending them to sites that might prove helpful. Appreciate the support!

[sept4]

Hi Emilie I also did grey rock with my ex husband and I know there is a lot of material online about it.

Looking back now that I’m out of my abuse situation I actually disagree with grey rock strategy because it is based on fear. I believe it is better to end an abuse situation altogether with either no contact or police involvement or court involvement (restraining order).

Grey rock prolongs the abuse dynamics by remaining in the abusive situation and acting submissive out of fear. I do not believe it is healthy.

• This reply was modified 4 months, 2 weeks ago by sept4.

[sept4]

Actually just thought of another idea. Since he is in the military maybe he has acces to free legal services? If so he could speak to a legal counselor and ask if it is possible to file for a restraining order based on harassment. I think repeated contact attempts after they have repeatedly been asked to stop might qualify for harassment in a legal sense. With a restraining order the contact would just stop altogether.

Also you mentioned there was physical abuse in the past so make sure he mentions that to the legal counselor as background for a restraining order request. And of course if there is any current physical abuse then he should call police immediately.

[Author]

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