Should have trusted my gut

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Wanted to share my story. Still in the self doubt stage. I was going through a divorce when he friended me on facebook. We had mutual friends and interests so no big deal. Then he would message me at times. Telling me I was beautiful. Talking about his kids. It was obvious from my posts that family was important. My first instinct was….never. This guy is nice but I wasn’t physically attracted to him at all. Not my type. No way. But he kept in touch. Which is more than I could say for some men. So he became my “constant”. I was bartending at the time to make ends meet. He started to come into the bar I worked at. And we would talk. He was a great listener. After a few months it seemed he got me so well. He was the perfect father. Very respectful to me and the compliments were coming left and right. But I still felt something was “off”. He just seemed way to vested in me. Way too fast. He would tell me I was his “soul mate”. We had so much in common. So I ignored my gut. Told myself I just wasn’t used to being someone’s main focus. It was about time I was at the top of someone’s list. So I convinced myself to give this man a chance. He had already introduced me to his son. He actually sang in the bar I worked at. And we quickly became the “it” couple. I ended up promoting his son. And finally let him meet my kids. He quickly got them to fall in love with him. Still, I felt something was not right. I noticed things. Like he switched the beer he drank to what I drank. We had too much in common. But again….told myself to shut up. Just looking for trouble. His exes had said things to me. Like I’m surprised he’s not living with you yet. And “one girl” is never enough. Thought they were just jealous and crazy…like he said they were. I finally let go of doubt and loved this man with everything I had. And that’s the exact moment things changed. He started pulling away. Picking fights with me and leaving. Then coming back. I would ask what was wrong and the drama would be terrible. I was like…I just asked a question. How did it turn into this???? So I looked through his phone. Texts asking girls to come over for a kiss while I was at work and asking for pictures and so on. The more I would dig the worse it got. The crazier he said I was and I felt it. My anxiety was terrible. I went from a non jealous, laid back person to a complete wreck. So I ended things. It has not been easy. He is telling horrible stories about me. Was trying to get to my kids. And has some of his friends doing some dirty work for him by telling stories. I have blocked him from everything. And 5 emails accounts. He keeps creating to just tell me what a horrible person I am. Why??? What does he want from me. I have read all the books and know for a fact he is at the very least a narcissist. But still struggle with wrapping my brain around it. And how I went from having to convince myself to even like him to feeling like I can’t live without him. I mean….when did that happen! Need help moving on.

[PhoenixRising2015]

Thanks for sharing your story. I can relate to a lot of what you said.

As to your question of “Why”…
He wants/needs your attention. You are his supply. Any reaction from you gives him something he wants – it does NOT matter if it is negative attention. He will take WHATEVER he can from you. He’ll replace you as a supply source soon enough. That’s what he did to his exes, the behavior will repeat. Once he finds a new source, hopefully he’ll move on.

You say you ended things, did you go completely no contact? If not, I would strongly suggest you do. Keep that door closed to him. Deadbolt it, then cement it shut. There is no reason to open it again. Don’t read the emails he sends you. If you accidentally open it up before you realize it’s from him, close it immediately (that’s hard, I know). Have a trusted friend read them if you want, if there’s anything that concerns your safety or the safety of your kids then act accordingly, the rest is useless to you. He knows exactly what buttons to push for you – like you said he mimicked you well, that was intentional and purposeful. But keeping any contact with him not only benefits him but it hurts you because it doesn’t allow you to move on. I’ve read a bit about it being like an addiction. Push yourself through the withdrawal phase and things will be clearer for you once you’ve “detoxed” from the manipulation and mind games and you can hear your inner voice/instinct again. You heard it in the beginning and you ignored it (that’s not a judgement or condemnation at all – I did too and it seems to be a common theme). So reconnect with that voice inside. Reconnect with your strength. Reconnect with you. He kicked you out of balance, focus on regaining it for yourself. You’ll put yourself back together and you’ll be stronger for it.

Best of luck!

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