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I’m so sorry you are here in this community. It means you have been harmed by a narcissistic person.
The narc who I married, lied to me from the start and continually lies and abuses me – 33 years late he is the same as when I dated him. I was naive and trusted him for the first 10 years then left him after 20 years when I found out the truth, but was so trauma bonded I couldn’t even function and would shake because he was gone. After a court battle I saw he was capable of so much evil I feared for our children if they were alone with him so I stayed. Not only emotionally, mentally and spiritually abused, I was also severely financially abused by him. After a brief family time together for Christmas this year (2 young adult sons) he went off to party for 4 days drinking, doing drugs and of course sexual immorality. He also was absent and drunk for the first 3 days of the time we were supposed to be together as a family. Just typing this I see what a horrible person that is to be so selfish to not care for their children and just be off drinking and doing drugs and being with other people instead of their family. After being gone for 4 days he comes back last night acting like everything is normal and expecting me to nurse him back to health (he is very sick from the years of alcohol & drug abuse) swearing at me for not fixing and bringing him food fast enough. I’m so broken and so done.
He gets mad if I’m not “happy” when I’m in his presence. I can’t discuss anything with him he gets mad. His drinking, his drug use, his wasted life, he sleeps or watches movies most of the time.
I left him in 2006 and wish my mom would have helped me more – but she didn’t and I ended up going back with him even though he was with other people 😔
Things are so complicated.
I stayed so he wouldn’t have full access to our sons and lead them to evil, but he did. Our sons go to him because he controls the finances.
He has led me to be isolated with no one to talk with. He controls and watches everything I do. 😔
But GOD. He is my only hope.
I just needed somewhere to vent with people who understand. -
Dear soul,
Thank you for trusting and venting out in this forum. Its not easy but you did it and people here will understand you and not judge you.Firstly be proud of yourself that you have identified what has happened to you. As an outsider I can clearly see that having your sons in that environment has made things worse and shown him he had control. You need to distant yourself and go no contact with this man.
God is always with us but we are the ones who need to choose correctly for ourselves no matter how hard the situation is currently.
You need to get out of this environment contact women support and shelter a church or some organisation that provides support for abused women. Focus on getting yourself out first and then trying to get your children out of the situation. Tell these authorities of situation and I am sure they will help your children too.
Trust me your children will only get hope and a better life if you take action now.
I wish you all the best and may God give you the strength to get out and find yourself in a better space.
Lots of care and support sent your way…
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Dear Helpmeplease, I am truely sorry for your pain & suffering 💔.
I want you to know I am so proud of you for searching out answers for the abuse you have been dealing with for 33 years by your spouses and for your courage it took for you to post your story here on this amazing site Lovefraud that Donna & Terry created.
These are a amazing step in get out of the hell you have been enduring for years & years and a HUGE accomplishment. BRAVO!!!
It is not easy to open up to others when you are in a abusive relationship but, YOU DID 😊 here at lovefraud, this is a MASSIVE step to FREEING yourself from this abusive spouse especially, freeing your mind fully from the hell you are enduring to make steps out of this relationship.
I want you to know you should be soooo proud of yourself for how strong you are to survive this hell you are enduring for so long and having opened your mind up from his brain washing (he is your cult leader literally) to know that that this is not a good life for you to live any more and you need to get out of this abusive controlling relationship. 👏💪 YOU ARE STRONGER THEN YOU REALIZE AND WILL THRIVE AGAIN ONCE YOU MAKE MORE STEPS OUT OF THIS RELEATIONSHIP. KNOW THIS!! You still have so much to dream of & live for once you leave him for good. 💜
Please know that many many victims of abuse stay in the relationshp to “save their children from harm”. It takes an average of 6-9 times for a victim of abuse to finally escape their abuser.
WHY? for many reasons including:
1) because the abuse victim believe that their abuser will change (HE WILL NEVER CHANGE),
2) victims of abuse are not educated on who abuers really are = very disordered individuals
3) because victims do not understand that abusers have a cycle of abuse they intentionally inflict on their victims hourly or day or weekly etc to control their victims and to break their victims down & control them so that they will not leave> this cycle of aubuse is called ⭐️”Domestic abuse power & control wheel” (look this up on the National domestic violence hotline website “what is abuse” also”.
4) the victim of abuse does not understand the evil mental & emotional tactics the abuser uses including;
⭐️Look up on Lovefraud articles & videos up at the top & other you tube/net articles:
Gas lighting abuse
patholigical lying
blame shifting
sociopath triangulation
sociopath smear campaign
idolize, devalue, discard
My advise to you is to KEEP VENTING HERE on lovefraud> venting & reading everything on lovefraud are healing steps to get out. Venting really helps to clear your mind and to get feed back from others that have been in abusive relationship for you to see his evil mental & emotional tactics.
dont worry about spelling or grammer just type and post your emotions & thoughts (as much as you want to share). You can always delete them later. For me this was extremely hard to post at first on lovefraud and other support sites but, once I did it really did open my mind & freed my mind from all my ex husbands brain washing.
PLEASE Know that ALL abusers isolate their victims. Isolation is one of the BIGGEST 🚩🚩RED FLAG🚩🚩 that a person is in a abusive controlling relationship. I’m glad you recognise this evil tactic your husband did to you in the early stage of your relationship and now.
How do you deal with being isolated now? YOU HAVE TO REACH OUT TO YOUR FAMILY AND OLD TRUSTED FREINDS and start working on these relationship. Tell your most trusted family & friends what has been going on and ask them for emotional support and help. I know for me this was difficult to get my brain working on strenghing these old relatinships again because of embarrassment and not remembering how to have a healthy relationship with others since my ex had me under his mind control & isolation.
Ask your friends/family what they thought of your ex. Did they see that he was controlling you?, did they see his manipulation of you AND them? did they see any red flags about him or did they see thru his pathological lying? many times family and friends may say something in the beginning and victims dont want to hear because the abuser already has them sucked into their con game.LISTEN TO YOUR FAMILY/FRIEND ON WHAT THEY DO NOT LIKE ABOUT YOUR SPOUSE. DO NOT DEFEND YOUR SPOUSEs behavior listen because all abusers are manipulating others along with their spouse. YOu will see patterns in his manipulation.
If your family or friends do not see his manipulation show them the videos here on Lovefraud or on you tube and explain what he has done to you.
ask your friends & family to keep a journal with dates & what you stated to them so that they can be witnesses in divore court if needed. Also, if you can safely keep a hidden journal in your home or at work office or friends then start writting down what he has done to you over the course of marriage ie verbal, emotional, mental, physical, financial abuse. All his cheating, lying, drug & alcohol abuse how he treated the kids or others. Write it all down for this can be used in court but, it also opens up your mind and will help now so that this info will perculate up now and it will be a much easier transition once you do leave him.
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Most if not all victims of abuser suffer from PTSD. I believe you are dealing with this. Why…because you stated you are “Exhausted” and this is one of the signs of PTSD/adrenal fatigue. One of the issues you have to heal with PTSD is ⭐️ ADRENAL FATIGUE look this up on you tube including yt channel Dr Berg Adrenal fatigue. On the sites “Dr Lam. com and also Adrneal fatigue. org they use to have vids on this health issues. When I escape my ex like you I was mentally, emotionally & physcially exhausted from the daily intentional chaos and drama my ex did to me. My doctor gave me Dr Wilson’s adrenal fatigue vitamins to calm my body and magnesium. These works.
Get tested for vitamin & mineral deficiency asap. also look into a very clean diet FOR YOU!! Look up Keto diet and carnivore diet you tube channels: Dr Berg, Dr Mindy pelz, Dr Shawn baker md podcast, Nutrition with judy,Dr Eckberg, Dr Bos, steak and butter gal. These really do help the body. YOur library will have books on them and other diets to heal your body & mind from the PSTD you most likely are suffering from.DO NOT TELL YOUR HUSBAND you are changing your diet to improve your health he will most likly sabotage you because he wants to control you and not let you have a happy healthy life (this is what they all do to their victims)
(dont worry about your abusers diet let him be sick with his fast food. he is a adult and can look after his own diet. INSTEAD FOCUS ON YOUR HEALTH and getting your body working again correctly)
Look up Lovefraud home page…Donna has written out steps to get out of your abusive relationship
CALL your countries NATIONAL DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HOTLINE to talk with a free counselor about “Domestic violence Safety and Exit plan” out of this abusive relationship> PLEASE KNOW THAT THE MOST DANGEROUS TIME FOR A VICTIM OF ABUSE IS WHEN SHE IS ABOUT TO LEAVE OR HAS JUST LEFT HER ABUSER…so you need to get a Exit & safety plan out of this relationship. There are many vids on you tube and articles on this. but call the hotline
IN the USA the number for the Domestic Violence Hotline is 800-799-SAFE. They can give you local abuse center numbers where you can call them and get a appointment to talk to a FREE Counselor and got to free women group meetings. YOu can do this now and then make plans out.Look up & read everything on your countries National Domestic violence website. There is a wealth of FREE info on how to get out and educating yourself on your abusers manipulative tactics to control you.
There are many options for a place to live when you leave him if you dont have much money…the Domestic violenc center can help you with free finacial assistance and a free apartment etc so talk to them about this. There are also other options if you are limited on finaces just as Tiny homes and camper vans etc = see you tube videos on both.
Dont fell like you are trapped in your situation because of financial reasons. There are many options to leave. Keep reaching out for help from trusted family, friends, abuse center, Donna Anderson of lovefraud and keep venting.
I am so proud of you hon. And, you should be so proud of yourself too for posting her!!
Wishing you all the best. Others will post on your post and I will post again tomorrown.
PLEASE MAKE SURE YOU CLEAR YOUR COMPUTER HISTORY FOR YOUR SAFETY.
Take care sending you lots of hugs!! 💜💜💜
You are a good person and mother to want to protect your children from harm. A true mother bear. But, it’s time to release yourself from this nightmare you are enduring.
You state:
“The narc who I married, lied to me from the start and continually lies and abuses me – 33 years late he is the same as when I dated him. I was naive and trusted him for the first 10 years then left him after 20 years when I found out the truth,…”
ALL of us have been trapped in beleiving our spouse is a good person even when they are showing us a marcing band of horrible behavior like lying and verbal, emotional & mental manipulation & abuse from day one we ignore their behavior normally because they will later fake apologize to us only to abuse use again and again.
I am glad that you have reflected back on the beginning of your relationship and see the truth = that he is a conman who has been conning you from day 1. This is another massive step if freeing yourself. It takes critical thinking to see their manipulation tactics and to realize that they are INTENTIONALLY and very calculating manipulating us from day 1.
ALL sociopaths are narcissist and they are all ⭐️PATHOLOGICAL LIARS (look up here on Lovefraud) and master manipulators in the early states of any releationship such as with a boss or friend, or dating. HOwever over time their mast WILL SLIP and you WILL See the true evil person. Most of the time these evil manipulators
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ps one of the best things for depression & anxiety (which most victims of abuse suffer from) is walking. If you can ask a neighbor to walk with you while your husband is out of the home or if you can walk on your lunch break at work (only if these two are safe for you to do so). See you tube vid “Dr Daniel amen depression”. if it is not safe to walk outside because it’s dark when you can walk, to much traffic etc look up you tube channel “Walk at home” = free walking work out online. they have 2 miles, 3 miles etc it’s not just walk in one spot you are moving and it’s very good for mental health also see you tube channel Befit = this one has all kinds of professional FREE workout vids.
make little steps and changes to improve YOUR health…do not share any thing with your spouse about these changes and steps. BITE YOUR TONGUE otherwise he will sabatoge these changes and may abuse you more to control you from making changes. Sociopaths watch our every move so it’s best to do these changes very stealthy.
also bite tongue from telling him he is a sociopath or he is abusing you FOR YOUR SAFETY.
YOUR FOCUS SHOULD BE ON YOUR HEALTH AND GETTING OUT OF THIS ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP. bitting our tongues during this time is essential for safety. 💜
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Helpmeplease: Jan7 is dead on right with her advice. 33 years is a long time to be under the thumb of this disordered individual. Your kids are now adults and can think for themselves. Even though they go back to him as he controls the finances, they are no longer your responsibility. They need to figure this out on their own, if they have not already. You need to take care of YOU. I know this is hard to hear — no Mother can easily walk away – but this relationship is killing you. Literally. The fatigue, exhaustion, constant stress, not to mention the potential for sexually transmitted diseases — not only do these wear on your spirit, they wear on your body. This man does not and never has deserved you. Please, please, make a plan to Get Out. Work with agencies, therapists or whomever you can to help you devise a means to safely exit this toxic relationship. But do NOT tell him what you are doing. If you can move far away, that is even better – someplace he can’t find you. You will find your mind, spirit and body will eventually heal. Every day you will be stronger. No Contact is hard, but essential for your healing. Please continue to read the stories and advice that Donna and the hundreds of survivors have posted. We are with you every step of the way! Blessings.
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Help. Good you have come here to vent. There is good advice. Take care of yourself. Blessings to you.
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Helpmeplease – You have taken an important first step by simply posting about your experience here on Lovefraud. I think one reason why it is hard to get away is that we simply can’t believe that the situation we’re in is real. It seems like a bad dream. But it is real, and I hope that seeing your words here on Lovefraud will help that sink it.
Your husband will never change. All you can do is change how you react to him.
Years ago you stayed to protect the children. They are now young adults and in reality you can no longer protect them. Nor should you — they should fend for themselves.
So it’s time to take care of yourself. The first step is educating yourself. Please keep reading here on Lovefraud. The more you know, the better decisions you can make. Knowledge is power.
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If your husband controls paying the bills then it might be best to use a friend/family or work phone to call the National domestic hotline and local abuse center. If you pay the bills then just discard the bill with those call on them when they come in. Im not sure how the hotline number shows up on a bill. It’s possible that the shelter/hotline has a differnt number that shows up or not. but, just be safe and think this way to protect your self.
Emilie advise: ” If you can move far away, that is even better – someplace he can’t find you”. This is excellent advice!!!
I did just that, I packed my bags and drove to home state from across country without him knowing. This was a safe place for me to process all the abuse he did to me, attend counseling and learn that he was a socipath, go to the abuse shelter for help. looking back this is exactly what I needed to do to free myself even though the process was incredibly overwhelming and I finally escape my (then) husband for good.
If you have a safe place that you can move to after your divorce even if temporarily, then think about this and how you will accomplish this (maybe a camper or camper van see you tube vids on normal good people who now live in camper vans to travel and see the country/world, or renting a apartment in a city or town you have always wanted to go to that your husband would never think you were at and talk to the abuse center to see if they can help you with out of state apartment etc.
Right now you might feel it very difficult to think outside the box because of being exhaused, under tramendous continous stress and having hormonal issues from the stress so just take one minute at a time or one hour at a time or one day at a time. I know when I was in that spot in my abusive marraige it not hard to think about leaving what was hard was implementing leaving. This is why Donna’s home page on Lovefraud and talking to the abuse center for help are excellent steps.
When you become stressed by thinking about your future put your hand on your heart and just breath. This helps tramendously. 💙
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please Work on your Domestic abuse exit & safety plan out with the help the National and local abuse center and Donna’s Lovefruad home page.
Remember every demand he makes of you is about Power & control over you.
Time to take back your control of your life, by making plans out of this abusive relationship.
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My ex h was the exact same. He never cleaned the house EVER. He would tell friends that he “cooked” but, literally never cooked dinner except, when we first started dating after telling me he was a “good cook” he was not. Yet his friends thought he was a wonderful cook…but, never witnessed him cooking lol…it was all his lying words that made them believe he did.
I would spend hours cleaning the house and he would walk in and within 10 mins his stuff would be all over the house. I believe he did this intentionally because he knew I like a neat home. It was embarrassing if friends stopped by. He would have his paperwork & and stuff he bought or found all over the place. He would start one office in one room and then abandon that office only to make a new office in another part of the house…he did this 3 times. Never cleaning up or organizing any of these offices. it was crazy. and I hated living in that house with him & his craziness. I would think to myself “I want my own home again with out him” while married.
I do not miss him what so ever. This thinking will happen with you once your heal your body, mind & spirt and get your own home without him.
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just read your reply post. Sending you hugs. Crying is good for the body & mind. Dont hold in your tears let then out. our body brain know how to heal and your body/brain knows to let these emotions out.
You state:
“Regarding his 4 days away I know He would just say he wasn’t with anyone so I’m not even going to ask him cuz he would just lie..”
YOU ARE SMART not to even ask him where he was. Your strong gut instincts knows exactly what he is doing…and by not asking him you are saving yourself from having him being verbally explotive towards you and abuse you emotionally & mentally. This is called “Gray rock method” (look up on love fraud)
You have very strong gut instinct. ALWAYS FOLLOW IT. Look up you tube vid “Oprah gavin debecker Gift of fear interview” and Gavin’s book “Gift of fear (your library may have) this will remind you to always listen to your gut instinct.
YES…You know exactly what he is doing = conning other women into his web of destruction and con game. Like all sociopaths your husband does not care about other humans. he only cares about his desires and having control & power over others. These other women are just sex to him. He uses his lying words to trap them into this con game.
I know exactly what my ex (a sociopath) is doing right now, even though I have not talked to him or have seen him (last time was in divorce court) = he is conning everyone and stealing their ideas, hearts, money etc. I do NOT miss him. This took time to break mind mind free literally from his brain washing. this will take you time too. But once you do you will realize you never loved him…he conned you to say those words…he conned you with words and touch to think you are in love with him. Once you get your stress levels and hormones balanced you will see the truth.
I’m sorry that you have had so many narcissist in your life. That’s a lot of trauma and heartache that you have endured. But, you will get thru this pain so keep walking towards the light.
So proud of you for going to church while your husband was running his con game on others. This is another huge step in freeing yourself. This is being independent and free think!. I know that it must have been hard to be in a new church crying…but, it sounds like there were kind people to lift you up. What a blessing 💜 Just be cautious while your emotional guard is down with these new people. When we are in a emotional state it is easy for bad people to manipulate themselves into our lives. Not saying these people are bad but, just remember they are new and as they say “Trust is earned”. make them earn your trust. 😊
You state:
“…It’s so complicated..”
YEP we get this hon…sociopath make good peoples lives ‘complicated” with their insanity, craziness, child like behavior and tantrums. The first time I met my ex sociopath thru a mutual friend my first impression of him was he was a “tornado”…YEP, my first impression was correct. I did not want to date him, move in with him or marry him…but of course like all sociopaths they steam roll over your beliefs and boundaries. We all get what you are enduring and the “it’s so complicated” so keep venting hon!! My ex just invaded my life with his lovebombing (look up) and constant need for attention.
You state:
“My brain is going in a million different directions..”
YEP…we get this too. This is your body in hype flight response mode (adrneal fatigue, possible thyroid issues and hormonal imbalance etc) caused by your socipath husband. Throw in possible peri menapause or menapuse ??
This is why it is imperative that you get your health in order. Having a “racing brain” is aweful (I had the same) & at some moments the racing mind terrifying & overwhelming.Most if not all victims suffer from this during and initally leaving their abuser.These health issues are part of why you are staying and why you need to focus on your health.
If you can find a functinal medicine or alterative medicine or naturopath help you to calm your body & mind with natural remedies and a good clean diet this will get your body working correctly quickly that is best. Most main stream medicine doctors push Rx drugs which do not get your body working correctly alot of times Rx drugs are just bandaids not addressing the real health issues.
Look up the you tube vids above for all of this. Dr Berg and Dr mindy pelz (and all the others) have vids on hormone imbalance, thyroid issue, adrenal fatigue for you to watch to see if you need testing on these. Watch their vids on benifits of magnesium and also epson salt baths benifits and adrenal fatigue vitamins which are B complex and D vitamins etc.
Most adults (especially those in toxic relationships) are deficient in Magnesium, D, b complex, potassium, C etc and this is part of the reason why they are stressed to the max) check with your doctor if you are on any RX. watch dr bergs vids on all of these vitamins and their imporants to a good calm mind AND body.
You state:
“My boys ignore me 😔 it breaks my heart cuz I did stay to protect them and it seems they don’t even care..”
I am so sorry for this pain. So many women have stated the same here at lovefraud about their kids not seeing the truth that their father = is a emotional/mental etc abuser.
My advise is to save yourself like Emilie stated and focus on YOU now. Sometimes once the victim leaves their abuser the kids now start to see the true abuser and how he is/has always been abusive. When YOU close the door on your husband guess who’s door your husband is going to be banging on = your kids. and then your kids will see what you put up with for 33 years = lies, drugs, drinking,manipulation, abuse and a con game etc. IT will take time for them to see this…first they might be upset that you left him (of course he is going to manipulate and play the “good guy” and will lie about you being the “bad person” but, they WILL SEE THE TRUTH long term. This is where patience is a vertue.
Keep posting YOU ARE NOT ALONE…WE HEAR YOU!! WE ARE HERE FOR YOU! 💜💙💜
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Hi Helpmeplease – What you are going through is so overwhelming and none of it is your fault at all. Yet, the fall out that you are dealing with and all you have to contend with due to the sociopath in your life does make everything seem so complicated. There will be much to accomplish for you to get healed, but just take one step at a time and you will get through it all. In my opinion, your first priority is to get away from the situation physically. As for your children – like they always say on an airplane – you first put on the oxygen mask on yourself and then after on the children because how can you help them if you are passed out ? Same with you – first get yourself to safety ( meaning in a living situation away from the toxic drug induced sociopath ) then get counseling to know how and when you will be able to help your children. But go for help now to figure a way to move out. Your prayers to God are heard and when you reach out to try to get to safety, God will help direct you to the right people to call and will put people, places and events in your path that will assist you in more ways than you can imagine. A movie that might bring insight to you as you plan your exit strategy is called “ Sleeping with the Enemy “ with Julia Roberts. We are glad you have come to this forum. Blessings to you
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PS – a book that I think will assist you perfectly for where you are is called “ The Five Step Exit “ by Amber Ault. ( you can find it on Amazon both in book form and on Kindle ). I think I recall that Donna said she is also a consultant for Love Fraud. Blessings
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Hi Helpmeplease – recently I had a situation where my brother let his mask off so I could finally see clearly who he really is and always was. So I am dealing with a bunch of healing work now concerning him and then stuff that has come up regarding my childhood. What this has to do with you is that I thought I would share something that has been helping me get through this – it’s a song that a participant shared quite a few years back, but it is so powerful ! You can find it on I tunes or You Tube by Frazey Ford called “ Done “. Sometimes I play along with my drum. About wanting to tell the psychopath who is in your house anything – my advice is not to engage with him in any personal manner because it would only pull you deeper into the toxic rabbit hole that you are making good progress in getting out of. Blessings
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Helpmeplease. Again, glad you are here and able to vent. I find it helpful. Blessings to you.
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Hi Helpmeplease,
You deserve to be on this planet and you deserve to have respect and kindness from others. I can see that you are suffering from low self esteem and this makes me incredibly sad. This is a area you will need to heal with a good clean diet, vitamins and counseling. And, gettting away from your abusers. Most if not all victims of abuse are deficient in vitamins & minerals and this will cause some of your low self esteem issues. so please get tested and work on a good clean diet to feed your brain & body the required nurtiance to have good healthy self esteem plus counseling to shift your mind set to believe you deserve help from others.
Every abuser breaks their victims spirt. Does not matter if it’s a rancher trying to tame a free wild horse or domestic abuser trying to break the spirit of their spouse. This has happened to you, your mother and husband have broken your spirit…all of us when in the abusive relationship. This can be healed. Read everything on Lovefraud’s home page to get out of this relationship and heal yourself.
PLEASE Do not send him any message about asking where he was and what he was up to..you know what he was doing. Please read up here on Lovefraud the “Gray Rock method”…this is where you just ignore their behavior and you focus on you & your exit plan out of this horrible abusive relationship.
You state:
He always says I love you
He says I’m his one true love
After abuse he says he loves me and appreciates meYES this what my ex did too.It was ALL LYING WORDS by my ex. Most everyone here experienced this manipulation from their abuser. What you are enduring at the hands of your spouse is NOT LOVE IT’S MANIPULATION AND LIES by him to have POWER & CONTROL OVER YOU!!
TAKE YOUR POWER & CONTROL BACK by going to your local abuse center for free counceling and reading everything here on Lovefraud and watching Donna’s you tube channel “Lovefraud” this will all help you to open your mind up from your husbands abuse & mind control. He is your cult leader literally. He is brain washing you with his “I love you”…he has no clue how to love anyone except himself. That is what all socioapths do…they destroy others to build themselves up and for fun.
Your husband (like all our past abusers) think we are stupid for being easily manipulated. My ex knew his words would manipulate me. Even thou I would say to my self he is lying & manipulating..his lying words did manipulate me.
Words are powerful…and these sociopaths know how to use words to control their ALL their victims. Your sociopath husband leaves at Christmas to go party and be with other women…and then he just says “I love you” etc and he knows you will forgive him and then he can just have his cake on the side. He knows that you will just put up with his bs. Why because for 33 years he has been manipulating you. It’s time to get a Domestic abuse safety & exit plan out. Dont try to reason with him..dont believe he loves you..he only loves himself…dont try to save your marrige or save him it’s time to SAVE YOURSELF by getting out of this hell.
My ex would abuse me sometime physically or when I caught him cheating he knew he had gone to far then he would beg me not to leave him, crying, sobbing all the bs a fake actor would do and guess what I would do I would forgive him because I just wanted peace & calm in the house and he knew his manipulative worlds would spin my head and cause great anxiety that I would just give in to his demands. Even thought during the event I would say to my self I am done I am divorcing him.
Part of the reason why I stayed was because I believed in my wedding vows…right…they tell us that we have to follow our vows. That we should be their in the best of times and the worst of times and all the other BS in the wedding vows.. Well let me tell you…there is NOTHING in those wedding vows that says after your husband cheats on your continuously you have to stay with him, there is nothing in the vows that says if he does drugs and drinks alchohol and misses the family Christmas get together you have to stay with him, there is nothing in your wedding vows that states if he runs off for 4 days at christmas to have sex and do drugs you have to stay married to him. NOTHING. once you see wedding vows are all bs you set your mind free.
You own this sociopath nothing hon. BUT, YOU OWE YOURSELF A BETTER LIFE THEN YOU ARE LIVING RIGHT NOW AND FOR THE PAST 33 YEARS!!
You have to draw the line in the sand with what Boundaries you are willing to let him cross. Dr Phil has a good vid on this topic. He states there are DEAL BREAKERS in every relationship and these are NOT NEGOTIABLE..the are get divorce or break of the relationship asap. What you are dealing with hon are all DEAL BREAKERS NON NEGOTIABLE Get out of this marriage asap
WATCH Dr Phils video series on you tube titled “Life code series” (this is with Oprah OWN network> it’s very powerful. I watched this series when I first left my ex and it was very eye opening and thought provoking and really helped me tramendously. You can most likely get this book at the library. Hide it in your room so your spouse does not see you reading it or ask the librarian to hold it behind the counter and go there and read it. (for your safety).
Sending you hugs hon. keep venting!
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Hi Sending good vibes.
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helpmeplease: When I was 20 I married a man 8 years older than me. It was 1969. He was a nice guy — sweet, romantic, kind, attentive and loving. Four months later – Valentines Day – he left me at an impromptu party at his friend’s house – all strangers to me – to go get another 12 pack of beer with the boys. He came home three days later. I had to beg a ride home, called all the hospitals and jails, frantically worried, while he and his buddies spent those days at a casino. We had to retrieve his truck from impound – he forgot where he had left it. He never apologized. That started 10 years of an abusive roller coaster ride. He was never sober, except when I left and gave him an ultimatum – then he would sober up for a few months until it all started again. When drunk he would constantly berate, belittle and gaslight me. He disappeared for days at a time, never calling, never explaining himself. Nothing was his fault – it was all mine. He didn’t hit me, but he did lock me out in a snowstorm more than once. He abandoned me at restaurants, usually after an argument he failed to win. He forgot to pick me up from appointments, bus depots, airports. I tried to be a “good wife”. The harder I tried, the meaner he would get. I found that keeping the beer supply stocked somewhat protected me – he was not as mean when dead drunk. The “nice guy” I had married never appeared again. Not even when I had my son. Complications hospitalized us for three days. He spent the time at a bar. I had to ask his Mom for a ride home with my newborn. I finally got up the nerve to leave in 1979. The day I was packing he showed up drunk and beat and raped me. Two months later my state passed the Spousal Rape Law. I couldn’t even get him arrested, even with the evidence. After I left he ran up $10,000 on a credit card I did not know he had. I had to pay that off to maintain my credit since my state was a joint tenancy state. He never paid his child support. Yet he bragged to anyone who would listen how he supported the family and was the only one who worked (he wasn’t), how I was a terrible wife and mother (yet I got full custody), how I was crazy, how he never touched me that last day, that the bruises and stitches were self-inflicted. It was most definitely a Hamster Wheel. And he wasn’t even a sociopath or narcissist – just an alcoholic. What finally got me to leave? I realized that I had just stopped caring. I no longer felt angry. Or hurt, or sad, or hopeful – I just Did Not Care. And that – of all the things that he had done to me – scared me the worst. I realized I was dead inside, and that my son would end up the same way.
You ask “How can I vent my anger?” Wow – did that hit a nerve. You can always vent in here, in this safe place. You should also try to find a therapist who knows about domestic abuse. But mostly, you should Get Out so you can scream at the walls, cry into a pillow, throw dishes if you want without repercussions. I sure wish I had had those options years ago.
Back then, I did not have a way to vent my anger and hurt – no forum to write to, his family not wanting to believe their golden child could be this way (even though his father was also an alcoholic.). I had never told my family about the abuse (they lived many miles away) because I was too proud. When I finally broke down and did, they took me in. Unfortunately, I had to maintain contact for my son’s sake – he was only 4. When he showed up for visitations, he was always sober, so my friends and family had a hard time believing me. I know my healing would not have taken nearly as long if I had been allowed to vent. It took me years to feel anything again.
So my advice to you is Vent. And Leave when it is safe to do so. The best time to do this is NOW. You say “I never used to get angry. I was just afraid.” This is a good thing – it means you are finally seeing your life clearly. You said “Used be to be good things in between the abuse. Can’t remember a good time recently.” How much longer do you want to live this way?
Go back and read what you have written – and what others have written. Watch Donna’s videos. Please don’t let yourself get to the point I did – where I stopped feeling anything. That’s not a good place to be. Anger is a driver – use it.
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Helpmeplease, glad you vented here. This is a safe place for you to vent. DO NOT VENT to him that is putting you into harms away. ALWAYS bite your tongue with him. Dont tell him what you learn here at lovefraud. The knowledge you gain here is for you to escape for good safely.
Emilie always has excellent advise. She is correct that about your anger = “it means you are finally seeing your life clearly”.
Call your local abuse center and make a appointment to see a free counsel to get help out of this dangerous & spiritualy breaking down horrific nightmare you have been dealing with for 33 years. IT”S TIME TO FREE YOURSELF.
The most important thing is to know you are NOT ALONE…we are here for you, Donna (Lovefraud) has a small fee counseling phone call (See home page), and your countries National and local abuse center has free help. The only thing you have to do is reach out!!
YES…that is how I felt in my marraige = on a continuous emotional & mental hamster wheel by my ex h. THIS IS THE “POWER & CONTROL DOMESTIC VIOLENCE WHEEL” (look up this it explains everything of hte cycle of abuse that you are enduring and it is ALL intentional by your husband”
Sending you hug hugs. keep venting keep reading everything here at lovefraud these are just a few of the step out. 💜
Emilie, I’m so sorry your suffered so much especially so young. I’m glad you are free now and so glad that you post here on Lovefraud your post are always excellent. 💙
Happy New Years to you both
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Hi – this post section has been one of the most profound I have read because I have been able to know about the back stories of some of you that I didn’t know before and because some wisdom has been brought forward that is so needed. To be in the middle of the nightmare or to have gone through it and be on the other side – all of you are amazing heroes to me. You are an inspiration and I admire you with all my heart. To make a war analogy- some are in the trenches still, some have been able to go home, some are still “ on call “ and we are all here together sharing and supporting each other and there is much love. I thank you all deeply.
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Help As Jan says don’t vent to him. That would put you in harms way. Only vent here where it is safe. Blessings
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Help. A prayer that helps is the serenity prayer. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
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Hello helpmeplease, 💔 this is their horrible behavior. What he is doing is “Domestic abuse power & control wheel”.
My ex was the same. I like you, walked on continuous egg shells all day long. There was never peace. Even the times he was “nice’ he was not really nice, he was being manipulative towards me.
Im sorry that you are enduring so much pain & suffering. PLEASE go to a safe place and call the National domestic hotline and talk with a free counsel and get your local domestic abuse center numbers and go to talk with a free counselor. These little steps will help you so much.
I know you are overwhelmed at what is going on in your life. I know it’s scary to break free from your abuser and then to be alone after leaving him. But, I promise this..leaving him WILL be the best gift you ever given yourself.
Going to your local abuse center to talk with a counselor does not mean you have to leave him right away…if you are safe in the home then you can make small steps to leave and to get your mindset thinking about your future without him.
I remember being exactly where you are now…just so emotional and mentally beaten down. So exhausted that I could not think my self out of my abusive marraige. But, one day he pushed his abuse so far that was it. he left town on business and I packed my bags and drove across country and never went back.
But, I wish that I would have had a safety plan out. I wish that I would have gotten things in order like a lawyer, my health (the stress was killing me and made my health deteriorate), etc before leaving.
So think about steps out. Going to the abuse center is just opening the door to take a peak at what you need to do to get out and for some more emotionally support.
YOU ARE STRONG THEN YOU KNOW. You deserve so much more then what you are settling for.
Wishing you a better night. Talk with you tomorrow. take care. 🌺
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Hello Polestar,
You are a hero too hon. You always post such insightful & helpful post for others who are suffering.
Are you ok??
Where are you in your journey. Are you still with your abuser or away and still healing?
Please let us know what kind of support you need now. We are here for you too. And, We all admire you too hon.
You state:
“To make a war analogy- some are in the trenches still, some have been able to go home, some are still “ on call “ and we are all here together sharing and supporting each other and there is much love. I thank you all deeply.”
Like always you have incredible insightfulness. This war analogy is spot on.
One thing all of these socioapaths did not count on was other victims lifting each other up, helping each other escape, heal and help others. Donna being are amazing leader.
Wishing you also a good night. Please let us know how you are doing. Take care 💙
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Hi Jan 7 – Thank you – that was so kind to ask. The good news about my so called brother is that we don’t live in the same state and never communicate except very rarely about a will business that is all legal cut and dry. But the discard was actually quite ridiculous because we had essentially been NC anyway but we had a facade of amiability because we would wish each other Happy Birthday but now he has made a full on psychological attack and has essentially declared me to be the enemy. His next to last email was so overwhelming – the lies, the accusations, the gas lighting and projections of accusing me of what he did that I had let go of long ago. I answered with a technique called “ Boring Boroque “ that defuses hostility without going into a victim stance but he came back stronger still with the lies etc and then the discard. I really don’t like hostility in my environment but I will keep to NC henceforth and not attempt at reconciliation. I am using the 5 Step Exit plan book to keep myself going forward and not in a negative loop in my thought life. Truthfully it has been a bit of a struggle not to get pulled into defending myself internally and to let it go. But the good news is that with all of my previous study, I have the ability to see all the psychopathic techniques he used and to be able to have a name for them. Yet, it was so unnecessary for him to go into attack mode but as Donna said, he let the mask off – so I am glad to be able to see the truth. Again, thank you for asking because it warmed my heart so.
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Helpmeplease. I’m sorry you are experiencing this abuse. You may not want to go to a shelter. You can be emotionally detached from the abuse and know that he has a problem not you Take it a day at a time. Blessings
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Hi Helpmeplease – as far as I am concerned, the situation about the plane tickets was cruel gaslighting and aggression towards you. In the book called “ Stop – you’re driving me crazy “ by Bach and Deutsch, they discuss the psychological rights that make up our right to sanity. The first is the right to know or the right to clear information. So your right was abridged and then you were blamed for it and then received harsh anger treatment. I consider the fogginess due to the lack of information to be one of the categories of gaslighting. In my opinion, gaslighting is one of the most cruel and destructive ploys the psychopath uses. So now we know that the psychopath at your house is more than willing and capable of using it. Perhaps learning more about gaslighting can be a protection for you. Blessings
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Help. Take good care of yourself. Self care is important.
Polestar. I was wondering. Do you have any other blood relatives you are n contact with!
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Help. Hope you are feeling better. Take care.
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Help. Again, hope you ar feeling better. He can’t be there for you because of the disorder.
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Hi Sunnygall – just saw your post asking me a question – the answer is that yes, I do have other relatives I am in contact with and love very much. The whole thing with being brought up by my great aunt and uncle and their kids was that the psychopathic aunt ( so called mother ) was not actually a blood relative – she was married to my uncle but I really think in her case the disorder is genetic cuz of having known her mother and now seeing how the dysfunction is manifesting with my “ brother “. My biological mother had an addiction problem and that is why we had to be separated but under that, she was a really good soul. There is more to the story, but suffice it to say, that psychotic family who I had to live with ( that the way it transpired in the first place was in a wierd manipulative ), was extremely challenging to say the least. Thanks for asking. Blessings to you
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Hi Help – I hope that you have called the abuse centers or hotline. I think it is important for you to be able to actually speak with someone. In person or on the phone. We are here for you, yet from the situation you are in, that is so overwhelming and challenging, I think you really need direct support. Donna herself here at Love Fraud gives consultations. I had one with her and she absolutely changed my life – or to put it more precisely, I wouldn’t have been able to take the important steps that I did without her support. So you might even want to start with talking to her. The important point is to please go for help as you most wisely did when you posted here at Love Fraud. Keep posting because we are here for you. Blessings
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Help. Self care is important and hope you are taking care of yourself one day at a time.
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Help. Again hope for you. Blessings
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Help. Saying hello.
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