Songs and lyrics, an emotional bond?

[laylabelle]

I haven’t posted for a while, but I’m on my way to a better me, mostly due to no contact initiated on his part over a year ago. I assume because he found validation with someone else, probably the wife who he said he didn’t love anymore, but possibly a third party.

I’ve found that since the constant contact stopped I was able to breath, look at things more clearly and identify that the contact we did have took presidency in our entanglement and kept me attached more than I realised. As well as constant professions of love I would have songs sent to me regularly with a request that I listen because ‘it’s the deepest way he could express his love for me”. He knew I loved music.
I set so much stock into those lyrics. Over the course of time other songs would come with lyrics pertaining to the most recent conversation we’d had and I would listen, each time drawing me in closer and believing that I had myself someone who was totally into me, someone on the same level.
What it did along with messages that said the same things every day, is keep me waiting day by day just to hear the same things, but there were very rarely any actions to match the words.
Now, when I look back on that I feel totally stupid.
Song lyrics are a very strong pull, either in love or grief, and the last one I received had beautiful words of how much I was loved, the only one he’d ever loved, but went on really to excuse the fact that he was devaluing me in readiness for discarding. (It wasn’t his fault, everyone and everything else but his of course)
I didn’t see it at the time, all I could see were the positive words even though I’d felt that slow discard about to happen.
We spend so much time overthinking and analysing everything when in this kind of situation that it drives us mad.
In one of the sites I found when I was looking for answers there is a piece especially about this, lyrics used a lot for reinforcement or hoovering. It really opened my eyes.
I now can finally admit that I couldn’t break free from it all and feel sad that I allowed the previous strong woman to settle for such low expectations.
If anyone else had something similar I’d love yo hear about it.

[polestar]

Hi Laylabelle – you brought an important point to my attention about the impact that music and lyrics can play to keep us stuck in an abusive relationship. I’m glad that you found someone who did write about the subject to validate you. As I said, it has really opened my eyes as well. I think that what takes place is that a song about love can inspire us so much and touch a deep part of our own loving being and so we respond in such a degree that it overrides what is going on in the “ mundane “ world. And this higher inspiration gets us to submerge anything else as being “ not important “. I think this is the same dynamic that occurs with people who are in abusive relationships with “ spiritual “ teacher types. The teacher uses all these flowery words about God and truth while pulling “ the wool “ over the eyes of their victim. It is exactly the same phenomenon. In any case, what you have made me realize is the extent that I have turned that around and have used words and music to free myself from abusers. It is not until this moment that I see what a powerful technique it really is and that I have been even doing it. When we read books about sociopaths etc, we are doing something similar, in that we are educating ourselves and finding freedom in that way – and that is so essential. Songs and lyrics touch our emotions and are also very freeing and healing. A long time ago, a participant posted about a music video that helped her in that way, and I downloaded the song and it helped me tremendously too. The participant said she would sing the lyrics over and over. The song is called “ Done “ by Frazey Ford – you can find it on I tunes or You Tube. Very powerful. I have used many songs through the years in that way. One lyric such lyric is by Bob Dylan when he sings; “ I wish that for just one time you could stand inside my shoes and just for that one moment I could be you, I wish that for just one time you could stand inside my shoes – you’d know what a drag it is to see you. “ – that one has helped me many times to be able to stand in my own power. Thanks for your post about this important concept.
Blessings

[Donna Andersen]

Laylabelle – Thinking about your post, it seems to me that what makes music and lyrics so powerful is that they are open to interpretation. They could have many meanings, and we probably interpret them to mean what we want them to mean.

This is the same thing that happens when we communicate via text or email.

Experts estimate that 65% to 90% of the meaning in human communication is nonverbal. We find meaning in tone of voice, body language, facial expressions. When we communicate online or by text, there is no nonverbal communication. Just text on a screen. That means 65% to 90% of the meaning of the words is missing.

What do we do? We interpret the email or online communication to mean what we want it to me. When someone is in the process of seducing us, we fall in love with our own fantasy.

It seems to me that something similar is going on when a sociopath sends us songs. The meaning of the song is vague and open to interpretation. So we interpret the words to mean what we want them to mean. Again, we are falling in love with our own fantasy.

[aliceamit]

Hi,

I was sucked into a year-long intense online ”romance” almost exclusively with songs (and posters/visuals). Whilst the lyrics could be misinterpreted, they were the mechanism for covert love bombing. We’re both married. I’m an artist, he runs a gallery 200 miles away with his partner. He offered me a solo exhibition at his well respected gallery at a stage in my career that seemed almost unthinkable. I had 9 months to prepare and during that time we had only a couple of phone calls, and I only met him in person a week before the exhibition was due to open. The night before the exhibition opened, he sent me a long playlist which contained a detailed narrative that almost literally swept me off my feet (I distinctly recall having to grab hold of a table to steady myself). There were romantic songs, “I love you” songs, erotic songs, songs about being lonely, or about being in a bad relationship and resolving to get things right this time, songs asking for consent, “let’s run away together” etc. The last song was saying I will wait for you, if not this year then maybe next year. Never give up was a constant message.

I got on the phone and texted to say that I’d listened to the playlist. He didn’t reply. And from that moment on, the drawbridge came up almost completely with no direct contact at all and it was all done in code. I assumed his partner had got wind of his flirting and put him under strict surveillance. At one point he heavily inferred that he’d left his partner and encouraged me to come and visit staying at a local holiday property he happens to own, the promise was of a wild consummation and I was desperately wanting him. I went up to stay and he avoided me.

The story goes on but I’ll cut to the chase. Everything fell into place for me just a few weeks ago. The nagging doubts were there from very early on but there was always a rational, if a little off-kilter, explanation. Then he added a song called “you are arrogant” and there was no reasonable excuse, it was just nasty and uncalled for. That upset me and jolted me into reading up on narcissists (again). This time I found a video about vulnerable narcissists and I knew right there I’d hit the jackpot (so to speak).

It’s been the most sickening experience of my life but I’m seeing a therapist and feel optimistic about recovery. I tried to “fix” him, of course, and that backfired. He’s taken the line that my messages prove I’ve gone completely crazy (without addressing the content of them). I’ve been banned from visiting the holiday properties, all my paintings are being returned, I have to delete all links from my website and he’s blocked me on social media. I’m just waiting for the smear campaign to kick in when fellow artist friends and gallery owners see the broken ties. I’ve told a small group of friends (not connected to the art world) and some of them have chosen not to believe me, assuming the coded communication is in my head.

It’s just incredible, all this pain and suffering and I’ve not so much as shaken his hand.

[Author]

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