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Hey all, looking at this from the other side, if a spouse is unfaithful because they were caught by a charismatic sociopath, what might be some arguments in favor or against forgiving them?
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Hopefull: Relationships are an agreement between two (or more) people. For relationships to work, everyone in the relationship should agree on basic rules and moral codes. Sometimes these can be pretty casual, sometimes rigid – it really is a personal and mutual choice. The point is – everyone has to follow the same rules. So, if your relationship is based on an agreement for casual sex, you really have no right to complain when your partner has sex with someone else. However, marriage is NOT usually casual – it is a legal and moral bond, where you agree to certain rules – you verbally make promises, and you are legally bound to the other person. “To have and to hold,” etc. One of those basic promises is faithfulness. So when your partner breaks that promise, you then have to make a decision if that is a true deal breaker or not. For most people, it is.
Everyone has free will – everyone has the right and the ability to make choices. Everyone has the right and ability to say no. In my opinion, when you are in a moral and legal partnership, you have the responsibility to say no to anything that would break that code. If you do not – if you choose to be seduced – then you have to accept the consequences for that choice. It doesn’t matter if the seducer is a moral degenerate or a sociopath or just plain hot. It is up to the individual to make their choice. To me, it is a true breakdown of morality and mutual trust if a married person breaks their vows – and, for me, unforgivable.
Of course, every relationship is different – and you can argue both for and against forgiveness. In the end, I believe you have to follow your own moral compass and decide for yourself what you are willing to live with – and if you can forgive yourself for that choice.
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Yeah I don’t think it matters who the spouse’s affair partner is or what their personality disorder is. Cheating is cheating. A spouse is always responsible for infidelity regardless of the circumstances.
As to whether you should forgive infidelity, well that is a very personal decision. Many women forgive and stay. Many women do not forgive and leave instead. Depends on your personal circumstances, whether you have kids and value a nuclear family above all, whether you value the financial security of marriage above all, whether you are emotionally strong enough to be alone etc.
For me personally I will not tolerate or forgive infidelity. I divorced my spouse after I discovered his infidelity. But like I said many women do choose to stay so only you can decide what is right for you.
If you do stay then be prepared for future infidelity as well. Cheaters don’t change and once they know you stay anyway they have a license to cheat again. So if you stay just be realistic that you will effectively be in an open marriage with ongoing infidelity.
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Whether to forgive a spouse who has been seduced by a sociopath is a highly personal decision.
Sometimes it may be appropriate to allow the person who has cheated to repent and return. No one should underestimate the magnetic power, charm and charisma of a sociopath. They are so convincing that even someone who would never dream of cheating can fall under their spell. All the sociopath needs is a little bit of longing or dissatisfaction in their target, a little bit of vulnerability, and they can work it until the target succumbs.
I have personally spoken with people who have cheated and later don’t know how they got into the situation and were truly remorseful. I have spoken with the partners who were cheated on who asked what to do.
Yes, this is a difficult situation, and it usually comes about because there are at least some problems in the marriage. Sometimes the incident provides the incentive to repair the marriage.
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I can speak to this because I experienced it. My husband….the kindest, most caring man I’ve ever known….got sucked in by a psychopath. Of course, I didn’t know what she was initially but figured it out overtime. It took me a few years and a counselor that was trained in psychopathy, but I finally realized that she truly brainwashed him. No one will believe or understand unless they’re been through it, but they are so powerful. It’s been 7 years, our marriage is better than ever
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Hello Hopefull,
I’m so sorry that you are also a victim of a sociopath and are now having to pick up the pieces after finding out your spouse was a victim of a sociopath.
💙 Sending you huge hugs 💙I think you have to divide this situation into several categories.
Cat 1: what kind of spouse was he/she prior to this sociopathic affair?
If he/she was kind, loving, supportive, helped you with life issues etc spouse then this is a person that you may want to give a second chance after both of you receive individual counseling (not couples counseling) from different counselors.
Cat 2: If he/she was not a good spouse to you prior to this sociopathic affair then this is a type of person you let go, heal yourself and find a new path without them.
The best way to decide if you want to give your spouse a second chance or not is to go to a very well educated counselor with experience in both trauma (which you most like experienced learning that your spouse was having an affair) and also, one that understand sociopathic behavior. DO NOT GO TO COUPLES therapy this never works. Best to grow & learn on your own with individual counseling. Same with your husband.
Donna (Lovefraud) has answered many letters (posted in her articles she has written posted here on LF) from men who were sucked into a relationship by a sociopathic women & many articles from woman sucked into relationships with sociopath men. The one thing that stood out to me with all these letters from men who were conned by a sociopathic woman, was the fact that sociopath women use sex to manipulate a man into a relationship with them very very quickly. Even if the man did not want a fast moving relationship, the sociopath woman moved it quickly. Sociopaths move all relationship very quickly because they know that if they give their target vicitms time then the victim will see their sociopathic behavior and cut them out of their life. Sociopaths use sex & touch to cause “love hormones” in the body to over ride come sense. Donna has written about these love hormones in many articles.
From what I have learned here on LF with Donna’s articles is that sociopathic women push sex to suck in a male target and there are many sociopathic man that will do the same but, not always if the woman will not allow him.
Both sociopath men & sociopath woman can very very quickly suck their target victim into a relationship with them whether their target victims where looking for a relationship or not.
Did you know that Sociopaths use mind control (brain washing) AND Trance (hypnosis) to con their victims. This is why it’s very difficult to get free from a sociopath. And, why a sociopath can con a victim into a relationship with in hours/days. The book Freedom of mind by Cult expert Steven Hassan is excellent to read to understand the brain washing/mind control sociopaths use to suck the victim into their grips. Donna (lovefraud) has written an article on steven Hassan & his book.
Sociopaths/psychopaths ARE the cult leaders of the world. whether they have one domestic cult follower or millions of cult followers (like cult church etc) they use the same brain washing/mind control/trance mind games to suck people into their cult. It is estimated that a small time sociopath will have over 100 victims in their life time.
I know for myself that I saw RED flags from the second I met my ex and had zero romantic interest in him. However, I was not educated on the Love bombing phase (read Donna’s articles on Love bombing) that sociopath use to get someone into a relationship with them. Prior to dating my ex, he would call my house often leaving 10 messages on my answering machine in one day even though he knew I was at work. When I got home I would ignore his messages & go exercise or meet friends simply because I thought this behavior of his was very odd & made me uncomfortable. If I ignore his phone calls he would just come by my home without call which I thought was very rude. This is what sociopaths do. I had ZERO interest in dating him, moving in with him and marrying him. Yet, I did all of this because of all his sociopathic mind games, brain washing, & trance (hypnosis) he put me under. they are very scare individuals!!!
Sociopath (man or woman) do NOT care about other peoples boundaries. They will literally just steam roll over everyones boundaries to get what they want. This female/male sociopath that targeted your spouse wanted something from them (or many things from them): Money, their car, their social/business connections, your home, their life style, etc and/or just target them for fun because she was bored (they hate to be bored & they are bored easily and love to mess with others all for fun). What they do to others is Like a cat playing with a mouse. They keep all their victims living in fear.
They also create so much stress that the victims begin to depend on their abuser (the sociopath) for making decision for them.
They also hate to be alone. So it could be that she had not primary target victim to control or she was getting a back up victim incase her primary target victim escaped her grips (dumped her).
Im sorry that you were cheated on. This is extremely stressful & painful. 💔
Take time to heal from all the stress & pain you have endured. Eat a very clean diet, stay away from drugs/alcohol (which just numbs the pain & causes the body to stay in a stressed state) and find ways to calm your nerves system by making sure you get plenty of rest & relaxation.
Listen to your gut instinct about what you should do with this very tough situation. Look up you tube videos: “Dr Phil Oprah Life code” (this is a series of many free vid interviews that are excellent) and also: Dr Phils book Life code as well as video “Oprah Gavin debecker The gift of fear” and the Book Gift of fear by Gavin Debecker (library will most likely have these two books which talks about listening to your gut instincts as well as what type of people you dont want in your life and which type you do)
Keep posting here to vent, ask questions etc. We are here for you. You too are a victim of a sociopath.
Wishing you all the best. Take care. 💙
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