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Our daughter is in process of being discarded.
Again.
She has been talking to her dad this time though, which is significant. Her eyes are opened to a lot of the boy’s behaviours, but when my husband says, ‘he will not change’, she replies, ‘but I keep hoping he will’.
What are some questions to ask a person at this point in an abusive relationship?
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Freedomformydaughter – this is really good news. Maybe she is starting to realize what is going on.
This would be a good time to keep reminding your daughter how much her family loves her, how many nice times you’ve had in the past, how she can always come home. The idea is to remind her of her true self, which has been overtaken by the false self created by the psychopath.
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Hi “Still hoping”. Most important be supportive by asking, “When he did or said that, how did it make you feel?” (bringing this to her conscious attention will help her acknowledge and process it). Here are other questions to help her see more clearly:
-Does he understand how his behavior has affected you (assuming you have honestly communicated it to him)? What did he say that makes you think he gets it?
-Are his words are followed by ongoing sincere efforts/action (i.e. not just to prove you wrong or keep you from leaving)?
-Where did you get the idea that your hope can change somebody? (More likely childhood magical thinking) -
Don’t tell her, to leave him, dump him; but just LISTEN to her! NO hard/fast advice, that will just propel her back to him, to defend him. Leave the door/phone/computer door open to her; tell her you love her, and you WILL BE THERE no matter what. Let her talk. If or when she does leave, take her in, or to a place where women in distress can be comforted and cared for. This may take several times, she may well go back to him, and then leave. Offer doctor care, counseling (if she’s willing), and LOVE. The NO CONTACT is best; if he wants her to ‘talk’; he may well convince her to come back. A clean break is needed. Offer her the National Abuse Hotline, if she’s not comfortable confiding in you. Just be there. This is usually a long-haul process.
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I hope your daughter is reading the articles on this site – they will help her with her clarity. As for questions she should ask – those are well covered here, too, in the various lists of “what is a sociopath”… the self-aggrandizement, the mercurial personality changes, the lack of empathy, the manipulations. You say she hopes he will change – so question number one might be “has he ever changed for the long run?” She is still in his thrall, I am sure — these types have a magnetic pull on their victims that is hard to break. It often takes a LOT of self-awareness, some good therapy and time and distance. Maybe other questions should be “Do I like the way I am living, the way I feel when he treats me badly, the prospects for my future? Do I like myself?” I sincerely hope she makes a final break from this man, but it may take a long time. Be patient with her. Be loving – and as Donna says – remind her she has a safe place to land. My heart is with you.
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Freedomformydaughter, this is very good news. Now you need to open you daughters mind up without belittling her ex.
I would suggest you find articles here on Lovefraud & print them out & give them to her to read (one by one)…such as articles on the following:
Sociopath traits….then ask her if her ex had any of the traits on the list. Don’t voice your opinion just ask her to read and ask if he has any traits. Let her mind analysis and figure it out by herself. If you start to belittle her ex you could bond her more to him. He has conditioned her to protect him with his brain washing.
Gas Lighting abuse….same thing do you think he was using gas lighting abuse on you during your relationship?
Triangulation…ask her if he was triangulating you/your husband against her.
Idolization, devalue & discard….same thing ask her if he did these things to her during the relationship and ask her if she feels like she was just discarded.
Dont give your opinion DONT ask her a lot of questions at one time. Just one question at a time (days apart maybe). She may or may not answer it right away. Dont ask her “did you think about the question I ask you”. Her mind is under his control and right now she can not handle to much thinking on her brain. Her mind right now is racing (on over drive trying to figure out everything that happened during the relationship and now…it is extremely overwhelming for her right now)
On top of asking her questions I would recommend that you have her look at the symptoms list & sites of Adrenal fatigue. org and also DrLam. com. She right now is experience larges amounts of cortisol being released by her adrenal glands. This creates A LOT of anxiety, depression, possible panic attacks etc. Plus during this whole toxic relationship she has been under a tremendous amount of stress and high levels of cortisol have been released. Just ask her “do you have any of these symptoms”. IF she wants to talk about it let her but DONT push her to talk.
SO the last think you want to do is add to her stress level. Be kind, patience and hug her when she is breaking down crying. If she gets angry let her vent. It might be hard because she might be venting towards you & your husband…dont take it personally. She will be going thru the grieving stages (google so you understand) during the healing process.
You may want to find an Endocrinologist doctor in your area or on the list of Adrenal fatigue. org to balance her body back again from all the stress. She right now needs lots of sleep, rest & relaxation, vitamins & minerals, possible hormonal balancing etc. This is where an Endocrinologist doctor can test her for vitamin & Mineral deficiency (due to all the stress she has been under for a long time) & hormone imbalance plus cortisol levels (see Adrenal fatigue .org site for info on cortisol test). Donna just posted within the last week or two about stress/cortisol from a Doctor (??) good article that you & your daughter should read.
I would recommend that you have her contact Donna’s consulting to talk with Donna once she starts to see that she was indeed with a sociopath.
I would also recommend that you order Donna’s book Lovefraud 10 signs you are dating a sociopath and have it read for her when her mind opens up from the articles.
Most importantly if your daughter is willing I would recommend that she call in to Mary Ann Glenn’s phone group FREE session that is coming up…Mary Ann Glenn is a very informative counselor who has been working with Donna’s site here at Lovefraud. She has an excellent video on Confusion being the sign of a abusive relationship…(maybe Donna can post it for you to show your daughter).
It is imperative for you, your husband &family to be extremely kind to her…she has just literally walked (maybe crawled) out of hell. Her brain is traumatized. So you dont want to add to her trauma. Let her tell you what happened in the relationship without judgement just listen to her vent. Dont tell her “why didnt you leave”…just let her vent when she needs to and let her quite her mind when she needs to. If she is staying with you over look her not helping out with chores or getting together with her friends or family…she most likely just needs to rest & calm her mind & body.
Sending you both huge hugs. ???
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ps. IF you go to the National Domestic Violence hotline (that’s the name in the USA) and print out “What is emotional, mental abuse” and have her read the listed items.
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When your daughters mind opens up have her look at the Yellow Box area on the home page of Lovefraud. And also have her read articles here at love fraud plus is she has the strength to post her she will get the much needed support.
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Here is info on Mary Ann Glenn’s phone conference just posted on Lovefraud by Donna. Just look at the posted articles.
“Experience the support of people who know! Join our free support group Sunday, December 2, 2018 at 5 pm EST. Go
destructiverelationshipshelp. com and use the Contact Form at the bottom of the home page to state your interest in joining. Do this every time even if you have joined us before! We will reply to you with instructions to join the conference call. It is anonymous and no personal information is displayed or shared.Share your struggles, questions, get feedback and clarity from people who get it! Hope to meet you there!”
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FFMD,
I know that when I finally got to the point of reaching out to others, what I really needed was a lot of tenderness, no judgement, and to know that I could count on the people I reached out to.
The few people I confided in did a good job of loving me, asking me (gently) probing questions about my feelings, what I wanted for myself and my future, and they were there whenever I needed them, even if just to cry and be comforted. They were also good at not ‘blaming’ me, or telling me to get over it.
I was also in counseling, so that was a big support. I SO hope your daughter is at the tipping point, and can begin the letting go process.
Slim
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Don’t know how old she is, but she must think of recovery as a long term process, or she may be very vulnerable to another sociopath.
Am into recovery for the long haul, and I am seeing progress.
Jan makes a very good point. You and your daughter will notice in photo albums that he SMILES WITH HIS MOUTH but NOT HIS EYES!
It is well worth the effort!
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Just wanted to add that what helped me when I first left my ex h (a sociopath) was looking at old photo albums and thinking back to that moment the photo was taken & how I FELT that moment. It woke my mind up to my past life. So I would suggest getting old photo album outs and talk with her about how she felt in each photo, especially the photos just prior to her getting involved with the sociopath. But ALL the photos from baby till prior to meeting him will help open her mind up to her past life. Also ask her about what her dreams & goals were back when the photo was taken. Do this without her realizing that you are awakening her mind up.
Mary Ann Glenn brings up an excellent point about asking your daughter how she feels. Remember sociopaths make their target victim suppress their feelings so that the sociopath has control over the victim.
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