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I’ve posted on here before about my psychopathic ex(es) and am struggling with no contact. I keep having urges to contact my ex who assaulted me several times and made my life a living hell… the trauma bond is strong. I texted him today asking about a box of tapes I left at my old apartment that he’s still living in (bad idea i know) but he ignored me anyway. I keep missing him despite knowing that he’s a psychopath and understanding how badly he’s treated me. He’s given me a black eye, fractured my rib and tried to strangle me. He even admitted he tried to kill me and that he ”doesn’t know why he did it”. How can i break this trauma bond aside from going no contact? I feel like a fool for texting him, and embarrassed that he didn’t even respond but i guess i should just move past it. Any advice would be appreciated.
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Hi jaded – It is a great blessing that your ex did not respond to your text. Too many abusers and especially physical abusers won’t let their victim go and keep them in a state of captivity through the use of fear and intimidation, and many are harmed or even murdered if and when they try to leave the abusive situation. Your ex will never improve. Studies have shown that physical violence will not stop of its own but will escalate. My view of your situation is that your self esteem was badly harmed during the relationship and so you do not have that foundation to stand upon, like you are floundering like in deep water. That is why books about psychopaths, psychological abuse and survivorship are so important to you now especially at this time because they will give you something to hang onto “ for dear life “. I have been helped so much by Shannon Thomas in her book “ Healing from Hidden Abuse “ and I also love Zari Ballard because she writes like a friend who has gone through exactly what you have, and offers so much support in that way. You will know you have come a long way when you start to feel that you are valuable and worth fighting for in the sense of not allowing anyone to disrespect you or to hurt you or to threaten you because you will know you are worth much. My personal opinion is that the reason these abusers and batterers behave as they do is precisely to rob their victim of the nobility that the victim had to begin with ( but wasn’t even aware that they had ). It is a precious part of you – probably the most precious. You can bring it back to life and then you will remember it. But know that any contact with your ex is extremely dangerous to you in every way. So your first priority is to protect yourself against their presence in any part of your life, no matter how small. Don’t leave any crack unsealed in which their toxins can get into your safe space. Don’t let the memories of their love bombing sway your emotions because that was the bait to get you hooked in the first place and those days will never return also, when your ex doesn’t hear from you for awhile, most likely he will return with a new love bomb Hoover to rehook you, so as to prey off you again. So set up a good, strong No Contact, protect yourself in every way and keep in contact with us or others who will support you and keep reading to keep you aware of who these predators really are, regardless of what they may appear to be. Blessings to you.
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Hi Jaded – psychopaths always use power moves because they are all about having and exerting power over their victims. So even a discard is a power move of choice for them. And when we deal with these power people, the result inevitably will be the feeling of being humiliated – that is what they want to achieve. Your texting him was a normal thing to do in a normal environment – you did nothing to deserve the silent treatment. Just know that being humiliated will always occur with any kind of contact with him. So hooray ! He’s out of your life – congratulations! You can now move on and find the sweet peace of feeling valued within your own beautiful heart. Blessings to you
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Jaded. Recovery is about self care. It is good to be focused on you and your care 🌻
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A very wise person once gave me some guidelines to follow when I was struggling with whether to write a letter to my Ex. She told me to ask myself a series of questions and spend some time really thinking about the answers. After working through these I realized that writing that letter would never resolve anything, would not make me feel better, and would make absolutely no difference to him, other than possibly giving him the satisfaction of knowing I was hurt. Thought I would share them…
* Am I in a healthy, happy place in my life?
Check on your current emotional state. Have you been drinking, listening to sad songs, watching romantic movies? Are you feeling vulnerable, emotional, lonely, angry? Might you say things you may regret? Are you in a state of mind to hear (or not hear) what they might say?* What was my past relationship with the person?
Why did it end? Are you romanticizing or idealizing the relationship? Were you healthy when in the relationship? Was this person ever mean, abusive or toxic to you? Remember- disordered people never change.* What is my motivation?
Are you contacting him/her for revenge, self-satisfaction, jealousy, gloating or other negative reasons? Really examine your reasons and be honest with yourself. Remember – they moved on for a reason. So did you. Do you want them back in your life? Again – remember that toxic people NEVER change.* Will contacting this person make things better or worse?
Will this change anything? Most often the past is best left in the past. If you HAVE to say something, write a letter then let it sit for a week and re-read it when your emotions have settled and you are rational again.I know you are regretting asking for your property back — and probably dreading what the answer might be if he ever deigns to reply. Things are just things. They can be replaced. Your heart and soul, however, can’t be. It is most important to protect what cannot be replaced, and to heal those if they have been damaged. Don’t beat yourself up for a momentary lapse in judgment. Move on, Move upward. Embrace yourself. Celebrate your growth and healing.
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Jaded22 – It’s important to realize that these relationships are addictive, and that the reason you feel compelled to contact him is because you are addicted. Therefore, you need to treat your escape like overcoming an addiction. That means you make up your mind that you will have nothing to do with him – no matter what property of yours he has – and then stick with it. Stay on the wagon.
You may feel like you can’t possibly stay away from him forever, so take it a day at a time. Stay away today. Then stay away tomorrow. Then the next day.
The longer you stay away, the more his grip on you will dissipate.
But if you give in and have contact again, you’ll need to start all over.
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Jaded. These are not normal breakups so they are hard but you can do it as Donna says one day at a time. Blessings
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