The “ I Refuse Approach “ for the New Year

[polestar]

Hi everybody ! Happy New Year ! I wanted to share Dr. Les Carter’s Refuse Approach from his You Tube channel “ surviving Narcissism “ entitled “ The I Refuse Response towards a Narcissist “. There are 12 main points and I will also write some of the comments he says, but I encourage you to watch his You Tube to get all his comments. Here is the list ; 1. I refuse to allow you to be in charge of my own inner stability. ( you can do whatever you want with your life because I can’t stop you, but you can’t have what’s inside of me,) 2. I refuse to engage in circular arguments with you. ( the minute I sense that you’re goading me or invalidating me, I’m done.) 3. I refuse to justify my legitimate emotions, needs and interpretations, ( because the more they can perpetuate doubt and confusion – their gas lighting – the more it takes me off my game.) 4. I refuse to make excuses for you when other people comment about your dysfunction. ( you’re on your own when people wonder what’s wrong with you – I’m not going to be your flying monkey anymore ) 5. I refuse to cater to your demands, whims and moods ( I can be a good relational person but that doesn’t mean that I enable that person’s dominance ). 6. I refuse to cling to bitterness and resentment that keeps me tethered to you. 7. I refuse to take the bait when you assume the victim’s position due to me being me. ( they go into a blame mode ) 8. I refuse to stay isolated from the people who understand me and know my best. ( they either actively keep you away from others or they leave you feeling so deflated and defeated that you think “ why bother ?” 9. I refuse to cloak myself in your messages of shame and guilt. ( not to just let them have their word be final because their word is always going to be condescending, harsh and detrimental to me. Not going down to a place of devaluation) 10. I refuse to be wishy washy in my decisions ( so many times you allow yourself to live with doubt and uncertainty ) 11. I refuse to buy into your false image of smugness and superiority ( it is strange that the way a person needs to find their significance by building themselves up by putting others down – I don’t play that game of school yard bully ) 12 I refuse to over apologize for my mistakes or miscalculations ( I’ll make amends when necessary but I won’t grovel ).
That was the list. Dr C said that the I refuse response is your way of declaring that not only is it OK to be me, but that I’m going to be the best me that I can be. And to the narcissist “ If that means I have to do it away from you, then so be it. “.
Happy New Year to all of you !
Many, many blessings

[Donna Andersen]

polestar – thank you so much for posting this list. There is a lot of good advice.

I would add that if anyone has to use all (or even some) of these “I refuse” statements, it’s a good indication that they should get the narcissist out of their lives.

If that’s impossible, the next best thing is emotionally disengaging – which is essentially what happens with the “I refuse” statements.

Thank you!

[polestar]

So true ! So true ! I hadn’t really thought of that. I was mainly using it personally for keeping my mental, thought processes clean. Thanks so much for your feedback.
Blessings to you always

[sept4]

I don’t think it’s good to focus on how to manage a narcissist/sociopath.

Once you’ve realized they are a narcissist/sociopath you should just drop them from your life! That is the only way to gain true peace and stability.

You cannot have a good relationship with a bad person. (Paraphrasing Warren Buffet who said you cannot make a good deal with a bad person.)

[polestar]

Hi – I am in total agreement that one cannot stay in a relationship with a character disordered person of any elk and think that you can manage OK. I agree it is just futile and a waste of time and energy, plus the relating with them always has negative consequences. However, even after going No Contact, unfortunately, ( from my experience ), they can remain in our heads – in our thinking processes. And sometimes their noxious effects can create a negative thinking pattern that needs to be elucidated and overcome within our own selves as part of our healing. So for me, I have found that these ” I refuse ” statements to be very self empowering. At present, I have not had the need to use them because my thinking patterns have seemed to have gotten resolved and cleaned out. I think that these affirmations helped me with that. I hope that if anyone finds themselves with this delemna, that they might find them useful.
Blessings

[sunnygal1]

This is what I was looking for

[sunnygal1]

This is always good.

[sunnygal1]

I really like number five. I recently used this

[sunnygal1]

I also like number seven

[sunnygal1]

Always helpful.

[sunnygal1]

Especially like #5.

[sunnygal1]

Good to emotionally disengage

[sunnygal1]

Again emotionally disengage

[sunnygal1]

All are good!

[sunnygal1]

Often needed

[sunnygal1]

I get a newsletter from Dr. Carter and it is good.

[sunnygal1]

Dr. Carters newsletter is excellent!

[sunnygal1]

Dr. Carter talks about your calm defiance of the narcissist

[sunnygal1]

I so admire Dr. carter

[sunnygal1]

The New Year is coming and this is still good.

[sunnygal1]

This is good for 2023!

[sunnygal1]

I like each of the 12 points. They are good.

[sunnygal1]

Today I am thinking of number 1.

[sunnygal1]

This is also good for 2023!

[polestar]

Hi Sunnygall – I am so glad that you have kept the “ I Refuse Response “ current. I had moved and didn’t know where I wrote it down and was happy that I was able to easily access it again here. It is the perfect healing list that I need right now concerning the issue with my brother. Just reading over Dr. Carter’s statement is like a balm for my heart. So again, thanks for posting about him and it. Blessings

[sunnygal1]

Polestar. These are so right on and valuable. Dr. Carter is very sharp. His newsletter is also good and has some good illustrations. Blessings to you

[sunnygal1]

This is still helpful. Dr. carter is good

[Author]

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