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I just found this Psychology today article online, and it really resonated with me. The author, Jennifer Young, MS, says that three shared traits attracted the sociopath to you and you to the sociopath: extraversion, excitement seeking, and dominance. These traits then kept you bonded to him or her, but can also help you break free of the toxic entanglement.
Even if you do not see yourself as someone who has those traits, you can almost certainly see the sociopath had them, and that you may have found some or all of those traits attractive. I didn’t think that those traits described me, either, but the way the author explains it, they actually did fit me.
I think that I would characterize myself as outgoing, adventurous, and competitive (at least academically). But because I tend to be kind of bookish, I thought “excitement seeking” didn’t really fit. But I do travel to far off places alone, and I have parasailed, surfed, and kayaked on rapids. And I do talk to strangers, if they seem open to it. On one occasion, that proved to be a terrible mistake.
Maybe you will see yourself in this article as well:https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/pathological-relationships/201202/the-attraction-cocktail
I hope that you enjoy it as much as I did.
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A very good article! What it says was very true in my case of the last SP. He came across as a perfect “alpha male”. A normal guy can come across as boring.
Same as you, I am independent (moved across the world away from the family in my late teens, happy to go anywhere, travelled extensively, can talk to anyone and am competitive with men generally. Used to race cars, enjoy fine food and wine, golf and sport in general. So yes, a normal man can come across as shy, boring and “baby like”).
However, I’ve learned from my almost 4 years with SP there is a big difference between being with an alpha and a disordered male.
Having traits in the article does help to break up with him and recover.
We are stronger for it in the longer run! -
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Being in a romantic relationship is nice but there are other relationships- parent, child, sibling, friend. not being in a romantic relationship doesn’t mean you are alone. it just means you are not in a romantic relationship.
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hi Zoe7,
As Sunnygal says, there are many ways to surround yourself with intimate relationships (intimate does not need to be romantic).
Since my break up with SP back in February, I am in a healing mode and not looking to start dating any time soon.I am still experiencing cognitive dissonance – e.g. I know this guy is bad, lied about everything but my mind seems to recall mostly the good times we had in the first 18 months – 2 years of our relationship (it was 4 yrs in total and the last 2 years were not good. There was a lot of gas lighting and boundary violation, yet my mind still focuses on good times only). So until these symptoms are gone, I do not believe I am ready to date.
Having said that, I’ve been surrounding myself with nurturing supportive relationships:
– trusted friends;
– my son;
– making new friendships with people who did not know SP when he was in my life.
I am engaging in self care: taking up old hobbies again; learning a new sport I’ve always wanted to learn. This also will be a good way to meet people as opposed to online. I’ve wrote a bucket list for travel (I put all my travel plans on hold whilst with SP, waiting for him) and ticked some of it off. Trying to lead a healthy lifestyle. I also need to rebuild professionally so dating right now is not a priority.What I recommend is to listen to Donna’s course on dating after SP – it helped me greatly and made it clear that I am not yet ready.
There is also a book that should be a must – “how to spot a dangerous man before you get involved”. It goes through various types of exploiters and love fraud. I’ve read the book and wish I could have read it 10 years ago. I would have avoided toxic relationships or spotted them sooner.
I think until I feel that my life is complete without a man and I no longer reminisce about good times with SPs, dating will lead me to another disaster. And that’s something I cannot afford. For my son’s as well as my sake.
An online dating tip: it pays off being vague in your profile as it would be harder to mirror. Also listen twice as much as you tell someone. If things do not add up – ask direct questions (SPs do not like those, if a man gets angry when questions or puts it back onto you, run).
Re Alpha Males: the real ones are not likely to be on a singles scene. If they are – they do not need to tell how great they are or dominate. They are very comfortable with themselves. They do not “kiss and tell” about exes, do not blame prior business partners and certainly do not try and sponge off a woman. All I am saying, when we are told stories, it pays off to verify them early and do some digging. Also no if no information turns up (e.g. no LinkedIn, Facebook, etc) – it is a major red flag. I’d also try and meet some of his friends/family early, to see if any red flags come up. If a man over 40 still blames his parents/has a poor relationship – it is a warning sign. One should have taken time out for counseling and building bridges (Apart from cases of severe abuse which are not that common).
Good luck and may there be someone special and safe out there for you!
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The Alpha male model is totally what hooked me to the last guy. I posses some of the traits myself, in that I am driven and accomplished. I am not an extrovert, but I can be good at engaging people.
After the final discard from the Alphasociopath I was bummed about ever being able to find someone who was alpha, and provided me that strong sense of attraction. I dated some, but to no avail.
I met my husband and we dated a bit, and then took a break. He waited for me to wrap it up with another man I was dating. During this time he wasn’t pushy, impatient, or otherwise invasive. But he was ‘there’, and expressed his interest. He was patient, kind, and self-assured. His self assurance manifested in him being quite the opposite of the A. Sociopath. Instead of constant contact, love-bombing, hyper-socializing-life-of-the-party, he was strong, self reliant, kind, consistent, honest, reliable, and determined.
We have been together for 6 years. He remains a solid and self-assured husband. So, not alpha exactly, but truly strong; from his own sense of actualization, accomplishment, hard-work, and introspection. I understand, now, that this is a much better recipe for long-term attraction.
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Slimone,
Thank you for sharing such a positive story – the key point is that a true A does not need to say that he is one. It shows. Same as no need to tell about imaginary achievements or how much money they (wish) were making (like my ex did). Their true self come through.
Another good point you made is that a good man will wait until you are ready. As long as it takes.
Very happy for you!
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