Threw away 15 years…

[Elfess]

I found out a couple of weeks ago that my boyfriend of 15 years has been a habitual cheater with multiple women. What triggered this was learning (we have been long distance for almost 4 years) that he had moved in with another woman. No, not moved in, they found the place together. He denied it of course, then tried to make it my fault by saying I had been “distant” (because I didn’t send him nude pics all the damn time) and that I had been pulling away. He even claimed he had made me an engagement ring. He showed me a pic, though I don’t know what to believe about that. He said he needed time to “digest” all this as he would get back to me. He didn’t know I was recording the conversation and had also sent it and our recent texts to the other woman. Now she must be a real dumb and dense person cause he is still with her, even after I showed her proof that he had just come up to where I live and spend a few nights with me. I even showed proof that while she thought they were together and I was operating under the assumption that I was still the only person in his life he was repeatedly coming up here to see me, for Christmas and Thanksgiving and Spring Break etc.
When he found out later that day I had sent her those things he cut me off completely, won’t talk to me or acknowledge what he did wrong. Even blocked my emails…..

I am devastated. 15 years of my life gone because of this sociopath. I am trying to finish school but I am suddenly very depressed after finding out the man I thought I loved never even existed. Whats worse is this other woman can’t see it!? I know she has been married at least twice before, possibly three times. Is she just not good at all when it comes to men?

This whole ordeal prompted me to call other women who he had accused of trying to make drama, or women who had been friends only to suddenly disappear. Even a few of his male friends. The story they painted was shocking. This man had no shame or fear of me finding out. He had multiple women throughout our relationship. He also burned a lot of people he had called friends. I had taken his side when these events happen, though now looking back at it I doubt EVERYTHING he ever told me.

He was my first love, met him when I was 18. How do I find and fall in love with another man and still be able to have children at my age now!? How could someone do this to another person!? To say I am devastated is a disservice to how I feel. I keep trying to keep myself from contacting him, I think he gets my texts, but I go through these real angry moments and I can’t help it. I don’t know what to do, he stole 15 years of my life. 15 YEARS!

I swing like a pendulum right now mood wise, some moments I feel “ok” and others I have extreme grief then absolute rage. I don’t know I can survive this. My 18-33 years are gone, just gone. I never clubbed with friends, never had girls night out or in. He hated any friends I made and absolutely did everything he could to criticize and male friends I had and made me doubt they wanted anything more than just my body and not my friendship. I see now he was a manipulator, and a damn good one.

I am a wreck. I don’t know what to do.

[Sunnygal]

Amber Ault’s Five Step Exit is good. Now you know he is disordered and incapable of love, you can go no contact and move forward.

[Jan7]

Hi Elfess, hugs to you! ? It’s is so devastating to finally learn the truth. I am so sorry that you are enduring this emotional pain right now. The devastation brings you to your knees. But, I can promise you this, that with time & education you will be a stronger version of yourself. It takes time. Sadly, it does not happen over night. Feel your emotions they will help you heal.

You will go thru all of the grief stages (this part of the reason your emotions are all over the place right now). All of your emotions will percolate up and it’s not easy to deal with all of these emotions at once. But, let them out (not at anyone) just cry, get angry, get mad, get sad.

And when you do cry, get angry, are sad.. come here and READ READ READ everything. Your mind is now open to learning the truth about his disorder!!

I (and everyone here at LF) have been exactly where you are now. It’s incredibly painful but the body & mind do know how to heal it’s self. So be kind to yourself now & most importantly patient with yourself & your emotions.

You did the right thing calling his latest victims & all your friends !! Please remember this. You learned the truth thru these phone calls. This is a huge step in healing.

You have planted the seed in her mind of who this evil sociopath is. Right now he is in panic mode because you are exposing him to the world and he is creating a “sociopath massive smear campaign” (do a search on this here at LF & the net) against you & the others. Just like he did with the other people with you. This is what these evil people do to have control over everyone.

She will soon open her mind up when she started to believe his actions over his lying words. Your words to her will save her!!

You state:

“I swing like a pendulum right now mood wise, some moments I feel “ok” and others I have extreme grief then absolute rage.”

This is normal (sadly ) when you finally see the truth of a sociopath. Remember he has been playing mind games with you sense the second he met you. These mind games create a lot of stress on our body & mind. Your body right now is releasing a high level of cortisol. This is creating mood swings.

Google: “Adrenal fatigue symptoms”. Look at sites like Dr Lam. com & Adrenal fatigue. org for their symptoms list. The if you need to see a Endocrinologist doctor who is knowledgeable with adrenal fatigue. I have zero association with these sites.

It is extremely common that vicim of abuse suffer from PTSD. One of the major issues with PTSD is adrenal fatigue. Most likely you to.

do a search here on LF and the net for the following terms:

No contact rule
Sociopath no contact rule
Narcissist no contact rule

Gas Lighting abuse

Sociopath Smear Campaign
Narcissist smear campaign

Sociopath Triangulation
Narcissist Triangulation

If you go to the Home Page of Lovefraud scroll down to the yellow box and read every thing posted. Also go to the top of love fraud and watch Donna’s videos & look at her book stores. Both are very helpful.

Hugs to you hon. ?You WILL get thru this painful part of your life. Keep posting here & venting it is also a huge step in the healing process.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!?

WE BELEIVE YOU!!?

WE HEAR YOU!!?

take care.

[Elfess]

Thank you Jan7 and Sunnygal, I am thinking of writing a book about my experience. I write short story fiction, but this seems like a good way to warn young girls like I was at 18 what to look for and maybe avoid it. I am not sure if I want to make it fiction, you know, “based on a true story” or a “retelling of actual events” kinda deal. It may help me move on too I think. Or is this just a bad idea?

[Sunnygal]

Elfess If writing would help you move forward, then do it. I find it is helpful to write about events. Each person moves in their own way.

[Stargazer]

Dear Elfess, you CAN get through it and you should because in spite of all the awful things you are going through, life is ultimately worth living, and you never know what is around the bend.

My old college friend was happily married to a man for 26 years and has two grown children with him. He started gaslighting her toward the end of the marriage and just treating her horribly. He had been cheating on her and lying about it, and tried to convince her she was crazy. Last year, she was a mess and she didn’t think she would make it. This year, she lost a lot of weight, got her own apartment, got a good job, and started making up on all the single life she missed when she was married. She told me that finally after being divorced for 4 years, she is 95% over him and moving on with her life. I have never been with a man for 15 years. But I know if my friend can do it, anyone can. Hang in there. You’re worth it.

[AnnettePK]

Elfess, The way you describe that you feel – all of it- is a totally normal response to being betrayed and abused, and to have suffered a huge life changing loss. It is the worst feeling in the world and a horror. His behavior and the motives behind it are wrong, and the way you feel and the destruction he left in your life is why lying and cheating are wrong.

It is very difficult but you will feel better. I never believed I could feel this way, but now at 5 years out I saw my ex psychopath at a funeral recently and I genuinely felt so very glad that he is gone out of my life. Not what I thought I should feel, but what I naturally felt based on the reality of how good my life is without him.

You have a lot to grieve for having been robbed of much over the last 15 years of your life. When you feel up to it, consider balancing your grief, which is a healthy and rational feeling for you at this time, with recognizing the good gifts life has given you – perhaps friends and family, your job, the opportunity to further your education, your health, food, shelter, clothing, and the simple fact that you are alive and in a nation that is a better place to live than many places in this world.

You have lost much, but you take with you wherever you go in life your ability to love and to have genuine relationships with others, and your good character. Your ex abuser can’t take those wonderful traits away from you.

Everyone’s life is different, but here’s something that happened for me. I met my husband when I was in my thirties and my son was born when I was 36. (The psychopath who targeted me came later, after I was widowed). Although you’ve lost a lot due to your ex abuser’s deception, it sounds like you have a lot of lifetime ahead of you and when the time is right you will have a good relationship with a man of good character who appreciates you and cares about your well being, as you will for him.

Take care.

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