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This is going to be a long post, so I apologize in advance. My mother has NPD, and I’ve generally been very good at recognizing the signs and avoiding entanglement with other Sociopaths, but at the same time, I was effectively trained as a caretaker by my upbringing, so tend to attract these types. This is one of those situations. I actually think my boyfriend leans more toward BPD than NPD, but the effects on me are the same either way.
We met over 20 years ago at work and were already running in the same circles, though we didn’t get terribly close back then. We in fact had no contact at all between 2001 and 2018, at which point we reconnected on Facebook. We agreed to get lunch and were immediately intensely drawn to each other. He was working a menial labor job making minimum wage and living in a room at his workplace. He had no car and no possessions and literally not a penny extra to his name. I am a professional, former business owner, making a six figure salary and a home owner. I didn’t care about the difference in financial status because, quite frankly, I was much more interested in being with a partner who made me feel like I matter and supported me emotionally than one who could support me financially. Sure, I had to pay for everything, but I didn’t care about that – I was just glad I had someone to share things with. He described an abusive relationship he had escaped and had resulted in his current circumstances and that made sense – women have had to hit bottom to get out of dangerous situations, why would I judge a man for doing the same? And I knew he was capable of more – I had worked with him myself, after all.
Things moved extremely quickly and we were “soul mates” within a couple of months. We never fought, everything was perfect, he worshipped me. The manipulative behavior was not very overt at first, and easy to let slide under the circumstances. After all, this guy was making me feel like the only woman who ever lived, our love was meant to be, we’re soulmates, etc. Why WOULDN’T I announce our relationship on social media if that was what he needed to make him feel secure and loved? Never mind that I have NEVER announced my relationship status publicly before – I was married for 8 years and never acknowledged it online – for privacy reasons, nothing else. I don’t even post where I eat dinner. But it was important to him, so I did it.
And of course he should be included in the weekend away I had planned with my sister months before we started dating – we’re a committed couple now; you include your SO in weekend trips. Of course the ways he rearranged things in my house when he stayed over were better than the way I had them. Of course I should fire my cleaning lady and pay him to clean instead because she is so bad at it and he can do such a better job (I didn’t do this, actually, but he kept pressuring me to fire her and is STILL harping on how bad she is and how I should pay HIM to clean my own and my mother’s houses). Of course when I say I have to see my mother on a given weekend, I should include him or I am purposely trying to keep a distance between he and my family so as not to fully “bond” with him. When he demanded that I sit down my ex husband (whom he knew as well 20 years ago) and announce my new relationship to him, even though I have been divorced for over 6 years and had another long term relationship between which I NEVER discussed with my ex, I convinced myself that it was normal for him to want that level of disclosure since we had all known each other. He began to demand to be present at my doctor appointments because he “cares” about me and wants to be involved. This made me uneasy because it seemed controlling and pushy but at the same time I had had issues with my ex husband for precisely NOT wanting to be involved in my medical issues, so convinced myself it was great that I had someone who actually cared enough to be involved.
Mind you, all this time he is professing his undying love, writing me love poems, saying the most beautiful things that make me feel like love as in the fairy tales really does exist. And he is interested in all the same things I am – he’s taking classes with me, participating in everything I enjoy, and minus the occasional overdramatic public display of affection due to drinking, he’s an absolute joy to be around. He’s always expressing fear that I would leave him, is incredibly clingy, always asking for reassurance that I love him, often disparaging himself, very very codependent. In true codependent caretaker fashion, I was loving the feeling of being needed, wanted, so intensely loved, so all those red flags got swept right under the carpet. I even told him I LIKED that he was a little bit jealous and possessive.
Early on, he randomly mentioned that he was in recovery for meth addiction. OK, well, we all make mistakes, right? But then I began to notice the day drinking of entire pints of vodka. I questioned him about this and he admitted to being an alcoholic and that he wanted to get it under control again but things had just been so bad. And it turned out being in recovery for meth addiction meant “trying to taper down” himself, and the alcohol helps balance the meth. He’d been using both for over 20 years.
Hmmm, ok things were starting to get weird now, but he very eloquently and intelligently convinced me that he knew what he was doing. The “establishment” had all kinds of reasons to lie about the true effects of meth and those stories you hear are just hype. So, I’m extremely naive lol. This guy is intelligent, well spoken, clean, polite, not a single bad tooth in his mouth, no sores you like hear about with meth addicts – a fully functional addict for all intents and purposes. And god knows there was a lot of hype about pot over the years that turned out not to be completely true, so maybe he knows what he’s talking about. I gave him the benefit of the doubt. I bought the bullshit.
About 5 months in, we took a weekend trip and were getting back later than expected, so he called in to work for an additional day off. His boss said he would call him back but then didn’t – I suggested he call back himself to ensure everything is ok but he insisted it was unnecessary and I just didn’t “understand how things work around there.” OK. So as soon as he got back, they fired him for not showing up. Now he has no job and no money to pay the rent. He couldn’t afford his phone service anymore so I gave him one of my old phones and added a line to my service for him so he could get job calls. I arranged to have him do some work for me and I would pay him the same amount he was making so he could get through the next month while getting unemployment arranged and looking for another job. I started to help him with his resume, etc.
The first psychotic break happened shortly after he got fired. He was working in my garden on the clock and I had an appointment I had to get to, so I left him to finish up and would drive him home when I got back. When I returned, I noticed an empty vodka bottle on top of my AC unit in my guest house, which I found confusing (why would you stash an empty bottle on top of an AC unit?), so I asked “Is that a vodka bottle?” He said yes, that he had gotten it down the street to calm the anxiety he was feeling being left there alone to work while I tried to “sabotage” him by texting him the whole time. Then he began an onslaught of nonsensical accusations and complaints: Why did I have to go to that appointment on THIS day at THAT time when I knew he would be working at my house? And then I was texting him while at the appt, intentionally trying to prevent I’m from doing a good job so my ex, who I co-own the house with, would fire him. Then when I got there all I noticed was a vodka bottle, not all the work he had done. I tried to placate him by apologizing and saying he did a great job, but that got accusations of “lip service.” And he’s just my “whipping boy.” And find someone else to take advantage of. Etc etc. He was in a full on psychotic rant so I started to cry. He accused me of trying to manipulate him with my tears. Confused, I excused myself and said I would be right back as soon as I was able to get control of my emotions, went inside my house and stopped myself crying. I went back outside to find him wandering off down the street.
He began texting me later than night after dark that he was locked out of his house and sleeping in a dumpster. Various other accusations and illogical threads accompanied, but it kept coming back to he’s having to sleep on the street tonight. He finally said “come and get me”, so I did. I took him to a hotel because I was frankly afraid of him and didn’t want him in my house, but at the same time I didn’t want him to sleep on the street. The whole car ride to the hotel he was verbally attacking me. When he saw I was taking him to a hotel, he flipped out, demanding I take him to my house. When I refused, he accused me of knowing this hotel because I came here with other men and other ridiculous delusions. I got him a room and left. The next morning I went back to make sure he hadn’t trashed the room. I took him to the train station so he could get home. The accusations continued, including that I had brought some random man in from another state to have sex with and that’s why he couldn’t come back to my house. He called me names, said I’m stupid, threatened me, threw the phone I had given him into my car saying he doesn’t want anything from me, threw a book I had given him into the street, dumped a bunch of books he was carrying out of his bag into my car as he was leaving, saying they were too heavy and reading would do me some good anyway.
I was done and wrote him an email saying so. A couple days later, I get an email from him full of apologies. He explains that was a drug induced delusion because he didn’t have any meth and was coming down and it causes delusions and agitated behavior. Said he really really wants to quit and please please can we talk, he’s never loved anyone like he loves me, the way he treated me was unacceptable, etc etc. I agreed to see him. We talked and he seemed incredibly self-aware, took complete responsibility for what happened, even forced me to talk out how I was feeling about it – he said because he didn’t want me to have any pent up resentment so he wanted me to express everything. He apologized, he was sweet and genuinely seemed to take responsibility and feel bad. Of his own volition, he said he was done with drugs and alcohol and was going to start going to meetings and get a sponsor again. He considered re-entering a rehab facility but decided he could do it on his own (another red flag I should have recognized). I suggested couples counseling – he agreed with seemingly genuine excitement. He broke into tears, saying “You really want a future with me?” and seemed stunned that I would actually be willing to work on things with him. We started online counseling online because my insurance wouldn’t cover couples counseling, and we agreed he would pursue individual counseling on his own – he never did.
Things were great for almost a month. There were times in the first couple weeks where he would start to feel agitation or a delusion coming on – he said the detox was much harder than he expected – and he would remove himself from the situation. I was honestly incredibly proud of his seeming self-awareness and commitment to change. His neediness and reliance on me grew even stronger. I chalked up the BPD/NPD behavior to the drugs and convinced myself it wasn’t personality disorder and everything would be great once he completely detoxed. I went to meetings with him, started going to my own family ones, we remained in therapy and the therapist said we were doing great, everything was fabulous.
Then we quit the therapy because we really didn’t say much except, “yeah he’s still drug and alcohol free.” I stopped going to meetings WITH him, because we now each had our own, mine for family and his for addicts. I arranged a weekend trip to celebrate his 30 days of sobriety.
On this trip was where psychotic break #2 happened. We were going to an event that happened to be led by a guy I worked with 30 years ago. The guy and I are now friends on social media and I had gone to one other event he led a few months before, but otherwise have had no contact with him and he’s twice my age, at least in his 70s. While at the event, this guy paid very little attention to either of us, except to say hello, get introduced to my boyfriend, give us instructions and then sat a few hundred feet away listening to his radio while we did the event. Near the beginning, this guy corrected the way my boyfriend was doing something. He said “oh ok I didn’t know” and everything seemed fine. My boyfriend made a brief complaint to me that the guy had been rude about it, but I just shrugged and said sorry I hadn’t noticed. Which I hadn’t. It hadn’t seemed rude, just factual to me.
On the way home, however, my boyfriend started complaining about the guy and literally raging about his horrible treatment of him, and saying the guy was obviously lusting after me, and had I had sex with him when we knew each other before? And on and on. This continued until we got back to our Airbnb and actually increased there to accusations that I was going into the shower alone to masturbate and think about that guy (because apparently I didn’t invite him to shower with me so I must be cheating?), was planning to go back the next day and give the guy a blowjob, was planning to meet him back where we lived, had brought sex toys to use with him, and was even sneaking this guy into our Airbnb when my boyfriend was asleep at night. He also informed me that he had lots of offers for sex from girls he knows and might as well take them up on it, etc etc. It continued on and on and got so bad I made us leave at 5 a.m. just to get away from him and get home. The accusations and diatribe continued for the entire 4 hour drive home.
This seemed so much like the first delusion that it struck me it must be for the same reason – he was coming down and didn’t have any meth where we were at. So I did something I never ever do and take serious issue with ANYONE doing – I snooped on my boyfriend. Since his phone is on my account, I looked up who he had been calling and texting. I saw communications with his drug dealer that coincided with times that he had been agitated and left my place via the train (he had previously told me his dealer’s name and number – either not the smartest guy or really wanting to be policed I guess). I also found communications between he and his first girlfriend, who he had continued to have sex with on and off over the years before meeting me but who he had claimed to have no contact with now.
After I dropped him off, he continued his assaults via text. I told him it seemed like he was on meth again. He made a few comments to indicate he was going to meet some girl for sex. I panicked and started scrambling to prevent him from doing that. In my codependent head, I was thinking maybe this is delayed drug delusion and he’s reacting to the preposterous, granted, but anxiety inducing nonetheless belief that I’ve been cheating on him. I didn’t want him to do something we would both regret as a result of drug delusions caused from actual detoxing. So I let the hoover happen. I convinced him to let me pick him up and discuss the situation. It didn’t help. He ranted and raved, demanded I unfriend the guy who had been “rude” to him from all social media (which I did), insisted I had been texting him so I still had access to him after I did that, so I showed him the Facebook Messenger exchange I had had with him coordinating our inclusion in the event so he would see it was not via text and there was nothing sexual in the exchange. I showed him my contacts that I don’t have the guy’s phone number. Yes, here I am allowing the sociopath to completely control me.
He then began to blame his entire delusion on the fact that I don’t sleep with him at night. He suddenly gave me an “ultimatum” that either I sleep with him through the night or the relationship is over. Background here – I have an autoimmune disease that includes chronic pain and makes it incredibly difficult for me to sleep. You add a partner in bed with me, and it’s literally impossible for me to get any sleep. So when my boyfriend sleeps over, he sleeps in a spare bed. When we go out of town, I get us a place with two beds. This isn’t about sex, mind you – we have sex. It’s just about sleeping in separate beds. All of a sudden, this was unacceptable to him and, he claimed, a “red flag” that I don’t want to bond with him and the whole reason why he is made to believe I am cheating on him and arranging clandestine meetings with 75 year old men.
I tried to explain my reasons for sleeping alone, but he insisted I’m lying and if I want him to believe I’m not just playing games with him I will have to sleep with him. I said I will try but need him to be patient, that it may take some time, so I need to start on weekends when I don’t have to be to work the next day. He refused and said it’s all now or nothing. I said fine, then I guess the relationship is over. Over the next week or so, he backpedaled, we talked, I agreed to work on it and he said he just wouldn’t stay over during the week until I could sleep through the night and we would do weekends. But then he kept pressuring me to come get him and let him stay over during the week. He’s very manipulative the way he does this stuff, making me feel incredibly guilty for saying no but making it impossible to discuss in honest terms like “I have to be able to sleep so I can work the next day.” He resorts to serious gaslighting and gets me into circular conversations that somehow end up with me acquiescing to his desires and then feeling a great deal of anxiety while in his presence.
I was distant for the next few days, but remained in contact. He flippantly made comments over text about what an “asshole” he could be and that he was not going to be “mean” to me anymore, as he put it. He just wants to be with me all the time and the only reason he is upset is because he wants to be as close to me as possible. He agreed to restart couples therapy. He made a comment that, “how long can I expect someone to just roll with the punches.” I noticed no texts or calls to his dealer for several days. For that time all was well, so I offered to come see him for a few hours after work. I did and all was great. We texted after I got home. We made plans for the following weekend which included a therapy session. He asked to stay over Friday and Saturday night. I agreed and said that I would try to sleep with him. All was well.
The Thursday before we were to meet up again, I was supposed to help out a friend after work so she and I got dinner. I was texting with him and we agreed to talk voice after I got back from dinner. He started texting “come get me” over and over. I told him I couldn’t because I have things to do after dinner and have to be up early to go to work the next day. Suddenly he said, “I’m tired, I’m going to sleep.” I asked if he still wanted to voice in 20 mins and he said he would be asleep (this was at 7 pm, mind you). He then told me he can stay over Friday as long as we can sleep together but not Saturday and he wouldn’t be doing the couples therapy session. Told me have a good night and stopped responding. I asked why he can’t stay Saturday now and he didn’t respond. Noticed calls to his dealer on the phone list so pretty sure he got and was on drugs. Over the next 24 hours, I also saw more calls and texts to the first girlfriend.
I sent him a message letting him know I saw the calls to his dealer and also to the other girl and calling off the weekend plans. I accused him of lying to me about the drugs and having these exchanges with the ex. He at first tried to deny it was her, claiming that number belonged to an old male friend. I let him know I knew better. He claimed he was contacting his dealer because he owed him money and was gradually paying off the debt and that he hadn’t done drugs or alcohol for over 60 days, but he did admit he had been drinking the night he kept saying “come pick me up”. Said he had fallen off the wagon and didn’t want to drink anymore and didn’t want to be alone. He begged me to meet with him so he could explain further. I agreed.
When we met, he came clean about being in touch with the ex, said nothing was happening and he in fact told her all about me and refused to meet with her because in the past that has led to sex, but she had been contacted him because her marriage was falling apart and she is an addict and she wanted his help getting into recovery. He acknowledged it was wrong to keep it hidden or even have the communication, especially given his demands regarding the guy I knew from work 30 years before. He said he blocked her on social media and told her to stop contacting him. We discussed his delusions and that he needs to get his own individual therapy, get a sponsor and start getting serious about his NA and AA programs. He was incredibly lucid, apologetic, and acknowledging his behavior was wrong without being flippant about it as he had in the past. He chalked it all up to the drug history, and I bought it completely and felt I should be supportive of his difficult time trying to get off over 20 years of drug and alcohol abuse. We spent the day and evening together and everything was great. When I couldn’t spend the night with him because I had work the next day, he was understanding.
The next day, he asked if he could see me, but I was supposed to help my friend again. He offered to come with me and help also. I acquiesced, though I was uneasy about it as I am always nervous bringing him around my friends or into anything that requires work because he gets agitated with the situation, takes things extremely personally, ends up getting offended by something innocuous, this kind of thing. But I agreed and clearly stated I would take him home afterwards since I had work the next day. Nevertheless, he showed up with his bag of toiletries. He smelled of alcohol masked by mouthwash and sweat of someone who hadn’t showered in days. He seemed slightly agitated while we were helping my friend. We left early because his agitation was making me agitated. He asked if he can spend the night. I acquiesced and we ordered in dinner. Then the true weirdness started.
He started organizing things in my house that are none of his business, which is something he always does. He tends to kind of take over everything, help himself to anything he wants, and impose his control on it, but in a very “I’m being helpful” kind of way. He started asking me about my previous relationship, assuring me he wasn’t bothered by the conversation and wanted to understand certain things. He said his possessiveness and jealousy is better when he knows all about the exes. He asked to play some music and then turned on the most annoying shrill high pitched music, punctuated of course by commercials because he can’t pay for his own music so plays things off YouTube, and turned it to just the volume to almost make it impossible to hear each other but not quite. He seemed to be watching me for reaction while it was going on. He asked me questions about my previous relationship and specifically about ways I had been made to feel unloved or problems we had. I told him about an incident where I felt my ex had essentially manipulated me into saying “I love you” so he could use it to hurt me later. He cut in and with a mocking expression on his face, said “wow you make some very creative connections, you should be a writer to make that kind of imaginary connection.” He continued to berate my impressions of things in that relationship and essentially take the side of my ex. It felt like he intentionally pushed me to open up and be vulnerable just to attack me, so I started to cry. He accused me of crying because I still have feelings for the ex.
I finally asked him if we could turn down the music a bit and he responded with some sarcastic comment about, “yeah because obviously this annoying music is what is making you emotional, not the fact you still harbor feelings for your ex.” He referred to me as an “overemotional partner.” The mind games and word sparring went on for some time before i painstakingly forced myself to cease participating and pretend like all was well.
I managed to keep up the facade all night long – feeling like shit and wishing I could escape and cry because to cry before him brought sarcastic remarks about his “having an opinion always results in the water works.” I faked it through dinner, through sex, through sleeping with him all night long. When I finally escaped with the excuse of having to take a shower to get to work, I cried in my bed for 30 minutes.
When I went back out, the full insanity ensued. He was up and fully dressed and showered. I tried to be affectionate with him but he started accusing me of trying to sabotage our relationship by trying to get him to have sex with me all night so we wouldn’t sleep. Which did NOT happen – I simply lay awake all night TRYING unsuccessfully to sleep next to him. He said he stayed up all night trying not to respond to my overtures for sex so I wouldn’t be able to sabotage the relationship. He also threw numerous insults at me about how I sound when we have sex, said I only ever give him lip service, that I have no emotion except for sex, blamed me for losing his job, accused me of trying not to bond and not to share emotion with him, on and on. I drove him to the train station as I was supposed to be at work – the onslaught continued on the ride and he was angry that I wouldn’t drop everything to further discuss with him. He threatened to pull my steering wheel to crash my car. He even launched back into accusing me of having a thing with the 75 year old guy again.
I was so upset and exhausted from lack of sleep that I had to call in sick from work. He kept texting me accusations during his train ride, including some accusing me of “faking” my autoimmune disease diagnosis and being a psychopath who doesn’t want to bond with my partner. When he got home, he texted “I already forgot what we were fighting about. Have a great day. I love you!” I ignored him. That night he texted me asking where his nightly text is – I usually text with him while I take a bath every night. I texted back saying I’m done. And I really really am. He said ok but can we exchange phones. He owns a phone that has no service, which he uses for social media, and the phone that I gave him which has actual service. He had left the social media one at my place but took mine. I agreed to meet him to exchange phones during the weekend.
We met yesterday and of course he started the hoovering. I idiotically ended up having sex with him and then it was like game on all over again. Suddenly we’re back together in his mind. He said he recognized why he does these things and he wants to discuss with me and explain everything and that he’s going to improve everything. He claimed to have gone to several AA and NA meetings and to have contacted a therapist and arranged for therapy. I don’t believe him. He started to make overtures to come back to my place and then got agitated when I said no. I had to go to help another friend with some things and he suggested I should take him with me so we could talk. I declined. He got upset but was visibly trying to hide it and claim it’s fine. He did get his phone back but I did not get mine. He later “joked” that he held onto it as collateral to make sure I would come back.
I reiterated that we are not together and that I need to understand what is causing all this and that it will stop before I can even consider getting back with him. If I was convinced it was pure NPD, I think I would have an easier time just cutting all contact, but I feel like he has BPD and addiction issues and I always feel like people with BPD are truly hurting and have deep feelings vs NPD who really only care about themselves, so it makes it harder for me to cut him off. I’m basically the only person he has left, and he loves to remind me of that.
I agreed to talk to him voice later so he could explain everything he wanted to tell me, but when I called, he said he didn’t want to do it over the phone or via text, only in person. I offered to meet him for a couple hours the next day, but he became agitated and said he doesn’t want to meet me when I just “make time for him”, that I should “remember who he is” (i.e., my boyfriend so I should make time for him as my first priority), and will talk to me when I can spend a whole day with him. Later he asked if I could devote next Sunday all day to him and we could go hiking. I said I think can see him Sunday. He reiterated “And spend all day?” and added “And all night.” I didn’t respond to that.
He’s back to telling me he loves me constantly, sending me endless love poems and overtures of undying love, etc. I’m feeling very uncomfortable about all this. It’s really like I’m being forced back into a relationship I don’t want and I don’t know WHY I have such a problem just saying no flat out. I guess I feel obligated to not “break up” over text or social media and obligated to give someone the opportunity to express themselves in person. And as stated above, I feel bad deserting him when I promised to see him through attempts at recovery and this kind of thing. There have been no calls or texts to the dealer or the ex since we talked about that, at least not from the phone on my account. So I also feel like walking away right when he MAY actually be trying to behave himself is unfair.
But I also know deep down this is just a ploy to manipulate and hoover me back in. I also fear his reactions when I tell him that I’m not comfortable meeting him in person again – both the onslaught of accusations I’m going to get and what he might do on social media or say to my friends and family with whom he is in contact. I’m going to tell him at some point today that I am not comfortable meeting him and if he wants to explain things he has to do it via texting, email or voice call. But I’m wracking my brain trying to determine HOW to present this in the least triggering way so as to avoid the drama. I’m literally full of anxiety at having to do this and angry at myself for getting dragged back in.
Thanks for listening. Writing all this out just makes me realize more strongly that I NEED to be out of this relationship. Just have to stick to my guns, I guess.
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ylememily,
Oh my gosh. Reading this just brought back a FLOOD of my own experiences. You wrote in so much detail, and so aptly, I actually felt a bit sick to my stomach with what you are enduring. I endured this kind of crazy-making myself, so understand.
You really do need to get away, and completely stay away from this person. He is (obviously) pretty high on the scale of narcissism and has all the classic behaviors of someone with a personality disorder. You know what you are dealing with. And I am guessing you understand that you cannot help or fix him. The addiction is just a side-circus. The real problem is the mental illness.
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ylememily – Please put yourself first. The guy is disordered – maybe antisocial, narcissistic or borderline – or all three. He will not change. Even if he overcomes the addiction, he will still be disordered.
Nothing good will come of any continued contact with him. I recommend that you break up via text. Yes, it would be rude if you were dealing with a normal person. But you are not. So you should break up, then shut down his cell phone account. In fact, if he still has your phone, you should shut down your phone as well and get a new one.
The real work to be done is on your own healing. These relationships are highly addictive – we have lots of info on Lovefraud that explains why. So actually, you need to overcome the addiction. And the best way to do that is through No Contact. Get the insanity out or your life so you can recover.
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Oh Ylememily
Your story is tough to read as we all have experiences that have varying degrees of similarity.
I hope you come to realise that you are NOT responsible for his past, his present or his future. You are NOT responsible for how he responds to anything.
A “normal” relationship (romantic or otherwise) feels good to you, that’s why you are in it. No demands, no confusion, no second guessing yourself or the other person, no crazy hissy fits.People who feel strong empathy toward others must set boundaries for themselves as we are often blindsided by others who don’t “feel” the way we do. I know this first hand.
Read all you can on this site. Take care of yourself first which it sounds like you are starting to do.
STOP ALL contact otherwise this can & WILL go on for years & you will lose the best years of you.
Your Gut is and will always be your guidance, when decisions are hard, when you love them & they declare love often in the most minimal way, listen to your gut, not the brain rationalizing away their actions or words.
The more I read the more I discover & understand that not only was my dad & most recent boyfriend a narcissist but my sister is too, she used to have a huge amount of control over me. I was married with two small children but when my sister said jump, I would! I was scared of her all my life. (She was single, no kids). It got to the point that she tried to get me into trouble a few times and wrecked my son’s christening that I took a hard line with her & shut it down.
The 2nd time I stood up to her she was trying every which way to manipulate me but I stood my ground. She screamed aggressively in my face & cried so hard, walked away & came back 10 mins later acting like nothing at all had just happened! Right there & then I knew there was a major problem with her but didn’t know what it was until a week ago. We can go for a few years of no contact then speak again but it’s almost as if she knows she can’t “get” me anymore. And you know why?… My fear of her has gone. I am no longer an energy supply. She is not soft, she is not affectionate, never has been. She couldn’t understand why I was crying at dad’s funeral?!!
I keep a safe distance & its always on my terms. I love her but it’s not safe. My sister has auditory & visual delusions recently diagnosed but she denies the diagnosis. Keeps saying me & mum don’t believe her. She has Capacity which I keep telling mum so until she doesn’t, I leave well alone as we do not have the power to change anything about them. It’s their journey.
We found two Will’s my dad had made, one giving us everything & the other disowning us specifically by name. He knew we would find them. He took it to the grave.
Again, we have NO power to change them no matter how much we love them or want to effect a change.
Fear is a double edged sword, I finally used it to wake up and stand up to her and my dad. It has a way of protecting us, it’ll keep showing up, showing us the way until we discover we are actually stronger than we know. The end result was empowering, my own energy returned to me.
I wish you a very speedy release. -
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Ylememily,
The word narcissism was not in my vocabulary until last week.
I started a new job & think I’ve just met another narcissist!I was fearful of starting this job and low and behold…a narc turns up as a work colleague! I cried all Sunday as she was cold, sharp tongued & aggressive in her body language & manner toward me after first trying to be pleasant, gleaning information out of me! She was literally stamping her feet & telling obvious lies! I was astonished but I
recognised her behaviour right away but was very disturbed by it.
She qualified 6 months ago, I’ve been qualified 30yrs!Ahhh how soon I forget that it’s a matter of standing up & treating them with firmness when you realise what’s happening right in front of you.
I think when you’ve been around people like this all ur life and when they show up….i am recognising it is because we are often expressing fear somewhere in our own lives. This was a very real and immediate response to my fear of my new job. Interesting. X
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ylememily- Congratulations on finally going no contact — Incredibly hard – but incredibly healing. And don’t beat yourself up for the 6 week interval — as you so eloquently said – he was never going to “disappear into the sunset and leave me alone”. Nope – he HAD to have the last word, the last little mind game. That ploy of “he wanted me to be angry with him “for a tangible reason for once.”” is so typical – that makes it all your fault. It can never, ever be his fault. This guy not only has all the sad, other-blaming, typical paranoid, delusion behaviors of an addict, he also has all the earmarks of a narcissist…but then, my theory is a LOT of addicts are only out for themselves, ever.
You are so much better without this drama-trauma in your life. Dealing with an addict is hard enough (I was married for 10 years to an alcoholic, so know a bit about that), but dealing with someone who HAS to win, has to be right, has to manipulate everything is near-on impossible. I admire you for sticking it out as long as you did. But, yes, my dear – you do indeed “deserve better than this crap.”
Keep up the resolve. Stay strong. Come here often for help – or just to vent. It helps.
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Hi ylememily,
It’s been almost 3 weeks since your last post, and I was wondering how you are doing. I’ve been thinking about your situation – it has taken me awhile to process it all – but what I came up with is that you are very intelligent ( which is quite obvious by your ability to verbalize so well everything that transpired ). I think you also have a kind heart because even after your ex’s horrific behaviors, you had shown understanding of his addictions and tried to help him in so many ways. It was good that you realized that your kindness and help were not appreciated and that he took advantage of those very wonderful qualities that you have. The bottom line though, is that he did cause you much harm: he continually trampled on the boundaries that you set, never considering your health needs and it actually seemed that he was not just being inconsiderate, but that he gained in some sick way by the power that you forfeited each time he got you to demur to his demands. So he was trying to tear you down piece by piece. Part of the problem is that he does sound like he has intelligence too, and perhaps that is one of the things that attracted you to him in the first place. So when he was able to communicate with you in an intelligent manner, you would get what he said on an intellectual level and it seemed to make sense. You, though are more intelligent than he is, and thus were able to see through his lies ! Keep up your good work of No Contact. You see, when we are with someone who is mistreating us, we are caught up in the whole trauma, and are in self preservation mode, so then when it stops through No Contact, that is when we realize what really had been happening and feel the pain from the abuse – at first – . You may interpret this pain as missing him etc, but it is the pain of taking gulps of fresh air after having been held down for a long time. Once you get through that, you will feel relieved. From your last post, you sounded like you were already starting to feel the relief. I admire you for the way you were able to connect with your true inner self protectiveness.
Blessings
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