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I’m 52. He’s 29. We met 6 yrs ago. At first it was just about the sex. And it was great…to say the least. It always was. That never wavered. From what I have read, that seems to be a common theme. But over time, he began to woo me. Playing on my feelings. Not in a direct way. More subliminally. Making it seem that he was merely being there for support. He didn’t show a lot of extra attention or affection at that time. We just talked. All the time. About everything. No limits. I shared my darked deepest…and I thought he did too. We became “best friends”. Or so I thought. Later, about 2 years ago, things started to progress to more about “love”. This is when things go really bad. Now, he always was saying one thing and doing another…from the very beginning…but he chalked it up to “he just did what he felt like at the time”. Even if it meant that it was something completely different from what he had told me before. But 2 years ago started the change. And I, being the fool that I am, started lowering my expectations of what I wanted for myself. Now, looking back, I realize that all the time that he had given me was convenient time for him. His get away from his “girlfriend”…who of course he said he didn’t have any love for at all. She was just convenient. I have had so many “I’m done” moments over the past 6 months…but a week ago was it. The “final” final straw. I started listening to the audio book When Love Is A Lie by Zari Ballard. EYE OPENING!!! I realize all the things that were making me crazy was not ME…it WAS HIM!!! I had told him that his time with me feels “fake”. Like when he was with me he was with me 100%, but when he left it was like a switch went off and he entered his “other life”. Of course, he denied this. But I FINALLY saw it last week. He was at my place, all lovey dovey, so sweet. Affectionate…etc. But we went out to dinner after that…he treated me like a buddy. Not mean. Just not “with me”. Now, this isn’t the first time that it has happened. On top of that…when I got up to go to the RR a woman gave him her number. Again, not the first time it had happened. But it was the FINAL final straw.
I’m a week in. He called and left me a long pitiful voicemail 2 days ago about how much he missed my voice and wanted to see me. I have never gone this long without talking to him. Expected me to contact him. Etc. I didn’t answer nor did i call him back. I waited a few hours and finally txt him to come get the rest of his things that he had left and leave me my key and my money (oh yeah he “borrowed without my permission” over $1000 about 5 years ago. Not only has he not paid me back, but he has bought a motorcycle and paid another “friend” back in the meantime for the same about of money).
I am going to a Narcissist Recovery support group tomorrow night. I am so ready to MOVE ON!!!
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Hi jsmith –
What I have gathered from your post is that you have gone No Contact and it has been about a week now ( Congratulations – not an easy thing to do !) It sounds like a dramatic shift occurred about 2 years ago when your ex started to be unreliable about doing what he said he would. Also he has another girl friend that you were aware of. You got the feeling that he had distanced himself emotionally from you and was acting like he was more a friend than your intimate partner. Added to this is that you felt discarded because females would give him their phone numbers practically right in front of you which is humiliating and insulting which was a flirtation happening that made it seem that you were irrelevant and not important. So what happened sounded like he love bombed you, then began devaluing you in many subtle ways to make you feel “ less than “ . Being treated indifferently , like “ a buddy “ is also abuse because it conveys to you that you don’t matter. This is very hurtful to your heart and feelings of self worth. So it is very very good that you have gone No Contact. He is now trying to “ Hoover “ you back. Don’t fall for that trick. I think you discarded him first when you were smart enough to see the “ writing on the wall “. Those abusers always want to be in the position to be the one to do a discard – they like to see someone suffer ( weird ) but that is what they are after. So he will try to Hoover you back and try to get you hooked again but this time he will be quick on the draw to discard you! So be strong to save yourself from that pain. It is so strange how they all basically follow the same stupid scheme : love bomb/idealize, devalue, discard. It is so great that you have gone No Contact and will be attending a Narcissistic Recovery group. Good for you !!! We would love to hear about how it all is going if you feel like sharing.
Blessings to you. -
jsmith- Disordered individuals target people who are convenient. Targets are used for amusement.
SG
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jsmith- No Contact means No Contact. Any attempt to expose him would only result in harm to you. The other women will find out and do what they will do. Take care of you.
SG
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Hi jsmith –
So good to hear your response. The first point that I want to address is about what you said regarding that you felt that it must be difficult for us to read depressing stories etc. Remember that you are part of us. What is so wonderful about getting feedback from people on this site that differs from most professional therapists etc. is that we have actually gone through the experience of being involved with character disordered people in many different types of relationships – and with help have escaped. So there is a heartfelt desire to help out others because we know first hand how difficult the struggle is on many levels. For myself, when I see someone get freed from the trap of suffering, and fly free it brings tremendous joy! Now to your situation, about your desire to expose him. I think the main point to realize is that there is a reality of light vs darkness. I see the whole abuse scenario as being a very negative person filled with darkness metaphorically dragging a person of light down down into their hell world. The light one ends up gasping for breath and struggling to reach the surface to get back to their light. To continue the metaphor – a drowning person can’t afford to have any baggage weighing them down. It is critical to get to the surface for air and light. So it is best for you to let all of his sickness go and to let go of his whole life mess ( the truth of the matter is that it is not your problem ). All of that would just keep you stuck. So it was wise when sunnygal said that any attempt to expose him would only end up hurting you. Keep your No Contact. As I said, I know it is difficult. That is because a terrible addiction ensues with abuse. Just like an addict of a substance, when they try to quit, the first days and weeks are the most critical and excruciating – and then as each day goes by when they remain “ clean”, it gets easier and easier. So hang in there. At this point you don’t need to figure out anything or do anything – just put your energy into keeping No Contact. Feel free to post any challenges that you are going through. You are not alone.
Blessings -
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