When your abuser chooses your coworker as his new supply

[booski13]

I am new to all of the research and support groups regarding narcissistic abuse, and I found this site after reading ‘Love Is A Lie’ by Z. Ballard.
My search on the title topic had zero results, so I am reaching out as a new member with my first post.
My abuser chose my coworker as his new supply, and I am struggling to navigate.
I have no desire to “warn” her or even discuss the matter with her or my other coworkers, but everyone there is aware of the situation. And as I said, I am struggling. Please help.

[emilie18]

booskil3 – Welcome to this forum. I know you will find reading the stories, questions and comments helpful as you navigate this journey. I am so sorry you have to go thru this — not only are you fresh out of a toxic relationship, now you have to watch someone else go through it up close and personal. You KNOW the damage he can do. But, sadly, unless the new victim reaches out, anything you say will come across as “mutterings from a bitter ex”. And you can bet he chose his newest supply just to wreck havoc on you. These types love to twist the knife, especially if you were the one to break it off. They can’t stand not being in control, not having the last say. I truly pity his newest supply – she has no idea what is coming (or maybe she does and chooses to think she can change him). You can bet he is telling her lies about you, and will probably do his best to get you fired. Keep your supporters close. Be sure they know YOUR side and just what kind of maliciousness he is capable of. You say your coworkers are aware of what is going on? Do they know what he did to you? Is it safe to drop hints? Maybe one of them can talk some sense into his latest victim. You are right in NOT saying much – it may just fan his flames. Best you can do is stay strong. Do your crying behind closed doors. Make him believe that he does not matter to you one whit. And NO contact at all. Please let us know how you are doing and what we can do to help. Blessings to you.

[polestar]

Hi booskil – so glad you are here – I love reading and listening to what Zari has to say. She is so emotionally intelligent. As far as what you have posted – it was not a long post, but there was so much involved and I will therefore address what you are going through as best I can. As I understand it, you have broken up with your abusive boyfriend – from either a discard from him or due to your decision to end the abuse. Either way, there would still be much to process and heal from. Then with the workplace environment where it is all in your face would make it hard to move on. And either he works there too or met your coworker by coming to your place of work which would be upsetting and you said that everyone knows about the situation which would compound the emotional difficulty for you. Also seeing them as a couple would be trying regardless of how your relationship ended. The environment sounds like a small town mentality situation. Just a very unhealthy and toxic place for you to be in. I know it is easy for me to post that you should get another job because it is not always easy plus I don’t know about your position there or how long you have been working at this place or other important considerations, yet leaving would be ( from as much as I know ) a saving of your whole being and your mental health. To remain would make going No Contact extremely difficult. I do understand that there are situations where it is just not doable to up and leave, and in those cases one would need to do Detached Contact. If it is the case that you would need to do Detached Contact, I think it would be very necessary to get support ( so I am glad you are here ) from some kind of therapy or group therapy or to get involved with webinars such as Donna offers here at Love Fraud. In those ways you would be creating a healthy emotional environment to counteract what you are facing at your workplace. I hope that you continue to post so we can get to know you better and be here to support you. Thank you for coming.

[sunnygal1]

Hi booskil3- Welcome to the forum. It sounds like a difficult situation when your abuser is targeting your coworker but you can be detached and just go about your work. There is a lot of information here on psychopaths that can be helpful Good to be educated. It is good to reach out. Blessings to you

[laylabelle]

Hi Booksie,
What you describe is typical of someone with a personality disorder or at very least is an extremely immature person.
I had this with my ex person. Our relationship began at work and once I was hooked I very quickly picked up that another coworker was getting the exact behavior as me. It absolutely crushed me, he was contacting me obsessively and we were in a very deep intimate relationship.
Research led me to believe he was doing it on purpose to evoke jealousy and control, but of course it didn’t help how I felt and really messed with my head.
I will say, I did say something and he denied anything going on whilst I watched him push it in my face huddling in corners with her and he even sent texts which were clearly meant for her and suggested I’d missed something when I brought it up. I didn’t want to appear needy or paranoid so I stayed in that relationship, embarrassed to say it had me fighting for him. Every time I got some strength to pull back he would bombard me, beg and plead with me to not let him go.
He left our place of work but would still call in with irrelevant excuses.
If I could go back to that time now I would of course react differently because I now know I was trauma bonded to him.
I know how hard it will be for you, but I would advise that you think of how you feel, how it’s making you feel about what he’s done/doing to you,try to remember that no normal person would flaunt that in front of you. If you ended it he is doing this to punish you and if he just backed off for the other one he is not a man with kind loving intentions, he is just someone who does this without regard or empathy for who it may hurt. It makes him feel big, worthy and validated, but it is designed to big himself up.
See him for that, see him not for what he is doing, and that he is not only showing you zero respect, but he is shoving it in your face. Even if you don’t feel it, don’t show him or tell him how it makes you feel, it won’t make a difference to him. It will only give him the power of knowing that what he does gets to you.
He will do this to the new one eventually, everything he’s done to you he will do to her, but no point warning her….would you have listened if it had been the other way round?
If you can’t leave your job then keep your head held high when he’s around. Grey rock him if he speaks at all, tell him you’re too busy to talk. Go home and cry if you need to but don’t let this worthless individual take over your life, you are worth so much more.

[Donna Andersen]

Hello Booski13 – I am so sorry for your experience. Please know that you are not alone – I’ve heard similar stories many times. Of course, that probably doesn’t make you feel any better, but it is evidence that these disordered individuals do this all the time. Nothing you could have done would have made him treat you any better.

Other Lovefraud readers have offered you great advice. It will be easier to heal if you can get him out of your environment – is a transfer an option?

It is infuriating to think that you need to uproot your life because of his bad behavior, but sometimes it’s worth it.

[Donna Andersen]

Also, we have several articles on Lovefraud on “Should I warn the next victim?” They may help you.

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