Why can’t I accept the reality?

[jonuk]

So in the last 2 years since cutting contact with my potentially sociopathic ex it has continued to enter my mind occasionally and sometimes I have dreams about her.

One of the questions I keep asking myself is… who is she really. Some of you may recognize this thought process.

On one level it’s quite clear to me that she is not the person she presented herself to be when we first met.

But at the same time I keep thinking about all the good times we had when she was so nice to me, so affectionate with me and very sexual with me.

However she was also a liar, a cheat, lacking in empathy and highly promiscuous.

The biggest negative for me has been the effect on my self-esteem. But why can’t I just accept she was a bad person whose Behavior should not affect my self-esteem?

[Donna Andersen]

Jonuk – Your experience is very common for people who have been involved with sociopaths. These relationships are essentially abusive, even if there is no physical abuse. Lying, cheating, no empathy and promiscuity are all abuses of your relationship.

But other times she was nice, affectionate and sexual — exactly what you want.

So her positive behaviors were intermingled with negative behaviors. You never know what you’re going to get, so you keep trying to please her. Rinse and repeat. This is what leads to the trauma bond.

Trauma bonds are very difficult to break. Research shows that intermittent abuse (lying and cheating) creates an emotional bond that makes it difficult to leave the relationship. It is typical, for example, for women in domestic violence situations to “forget” about the abuse. As the immediate trauma subsides, these women focus on the desirable aspects of the relationship. This alters her memory of the past abuse and her perceived likelihood of future abuse.

You’re probably experiencing a similar phenomenon.

Maybe this is affecting your self-esteem. Maybe you’re wondering why you can’t move past her. The answer is because of the trauma bond. Therefore, your experience is normal, given what you went through. So I hope you can stop feeling badly about that.

The next step, of course, is to break the trauma bond. If you’ve stayed away from her for 2 years, you’ve already made good progress. My guess is that there are still some emotional ties. Those need to be broken emotionally. That means allowing yourself to truly feel the pain of what happened. No one wants to do this, because, obviously, it hurts. But by processing the pain you release it. And then you are free.

[jonuk]

Thanks for your reply Donna.

Interestingly I read somewhere recently an expert in trauma bonds describe how the addiction can be stronger than heroin !

I’ve never been addicted to any drug so I cannot comment on that, except to say it took me many attempts to cut contact, and I absolutely craved having sexual contact with her again. And yet I had absolutely zero interest in having sex with anyone else.

Furthermore since cutting contact with her, my libido has fallen to an all time low. I speculate that I was so aroused when having sex with her that it was like having sex on cocaine or something similar. And now the drug (her) has gone , sex with anyone else holds little appeal. It was all purely psychological. But I’m now wondering if it will ever return !

[laylabelle]

Hi Jonuk,
You are doing well at 2 years NC to think her only ‘occasionally’.
Trauma bonds can take years to lessen. The dreams are normal and especially thinking of the good parts, that is because throughout the relationship we crave those good parts but deeper in we spend our time confused wanting those good bits back and for them to stay.
In reality there is grooming, then intermittent reinforcement. You have had your head and heart messed with.

Your self esteem is probably hit because you wanted so much to trust this person who presented to you as your perfect love and to find at the end that you gave your all to be made a fool of is the worst kind of hurt.

You did nothing wrong.

I know I felt very early on that there was something off with ex. We make so many excuses for the lies, contradictions and half stories because this person is so affectionate, shares inside jokes, makes love to us in a way we never felt before and builds an ‘us against the world’ feeling. It is very difficult to admit that it could have all been false, such is the deep bond they create.
The addiction it creates is unbelievable and uncomprehensible to anyone who has not been through it.

Now that I am no contact I can say that I find myself remembering and seeing clearly each and every lie and sentence which left me confused, but which I ignored, and thus seeing him for who he really is.

As for the sexual side, I can’t imagine ever making love with anyone the way I did with him, but that is because I can still feel the hairs on my skin stand up if I think about it….those chemicals involved did that as well as the overwhelming addiction of wanting to be close to him.
In short it was more like a fairytale than real life. One mixed up in confusion and doubt. All of the heightens sexual desire ten fold.

You can’t imagine having sex with anyone else like that because it wasn’t at normal levels. It was a relationship filled with ups and downs, feeling insecure of what comes next with her and always being on a high of longing and anxiety.

When you get further out and can begin to build a normal safe settled and trusting relationship you will feel different.

In the meantime try not to think of the sexual side when you think of her if it hurts. The reality of all the bad bits needs to be accepted first. Accepting that you did nothing wrong needs to be accepted.

Your self esteem will return bit by bit as you move forward with no contact.
I never thought I would ever think of ex with the bad bits first but the longer out you get it becomes easier.

Most people who write about experiences afterwards say they found a new love eventually, different but calm, safe and most of all consistent. Some even say it feels dull in comparison, but it is love as it should be.

I hope you’re reading up on trauma bonds….its all there.

[emilie18]

One of my favorite quotes: “People prefer the certainty of misery to the misery of uncertainty” — Virginia Satir.

When you fall for a fantasy you fall very hard – harder than any other relationship you will be in. And when that fantasy dissolves into reality, you hurt deeper than you will ever hurt with any “normal” relationship breakup. Why? Because that fantasy fulfills every fairy tale happy-ever-after dream you ever had. Fantasies don’t allow for the everyday hurts and disappointments – they just don’t exist. At first. All your dreams are fulfilled and everything is coming up roses. Until it isn’t. Until they fade and wilt and die – and letting that go is so soul crushing. Not only do you have to see the world as it really is – you have to feel it, too. And that hurts. And, for a while, the world is black and depressing. Nothing gives you pleasure because you keep comparing it to the dream.

I wish there was a fast and easy way to get beyond this – but there isn’t. You have to work through it and look back at the fantasy with new eyes. Yes it was lovely and sweet and perfect – but what about the cracks? What about the thorns? What about the moments that weren’t exactly as remembered? You are well on your way, but this takes time and effort…and it is very hard to let go of that dream because it felt soooo good. So right. So perfect. Until it wasn’t.

Keep working at it. Time is your friend. When the regret and sadness overwhelm you, get busy with something — write, paint, garden, walk, talk with someone…stop that cycle and replace it with new memories. Blessings and good wishes to you.

[Donna Andersen]

emilie18 – what an astute observation! Thank you so much for your comment. Excellent advice.

[jonuk]

People often say sex with these disordered people is extremely good and I found the same. However although I can’t speak for other people, the interesting thing is this…. The sex wasn’t any better physically, it was better psychologically if that makes any sense.

I will give an example….. The way she kissed was nothing exceptional. But it felt amazing simply because it was her. The way she acted, the way she talked, the way I felt about her, the way she seemed almost unobtainable…. It all contributed to that amazing feeling and lead to a high level of arousal. In other words it was all psychological.

And the ironic thing is I might not have felt so aroused had she been a normal loving person.

Although I cannot be certain I think it was my desire for approval and validation from her that drove my arousal to these levels. When we had sex it felt like a massive dose of validation.

I assume people will completely understand what I’m talking about here??

[victoria123]

jonuk, I know exactly what you’re talking about. Once I was a few months no-contact, I realized I wasn’t even physically attracted to him. The sex was magnetic but looking back, it feels like all of my attraction for him was in my head. It’s a really weird phenomenon.

[Author]

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