How to recognize and recover from the sociopaths – narcissists in your life › Forums › Lovefraud Community Forum – General › Working with my sociopathic ex
- This topic has 10 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 7 years, 5 months ago by deckdweller.
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August 25, 2017 at 3:44 pm #41970deckdwellerParticipant
I am so grateful to finally have an answer to the 9 years of highs and lows with this man. I have been manipulated, deceived and controlled. My question is now that I have identified the patterns and recognise him as a sociopath, how do I break free when I work with him everyday?
He has been my lover, my mentor and best friend. But he has also been my tormentor, my thief and the cause of the deepest hurt I have ever known.
I am reading everything I can about mind control and the sociopath but everything recommends NO CONTACT. I have to see him every day. Please help. I don’t feel strong enough to fight him yet.
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August 26, 2017 at 5:49 pm #41977StargazerParticipant
I would think this would be extremely hard if not impossible, because as his co-workers are also your co-workers, there may not be anyone there you can completely trust. This makes a work environment hostile, not to mention that you are going to get re-traumatized every day. If there is any way you can find another job somewhere else, I would. Or even take a leave of absence while you regroup and explore your options. In any event, a good therapist and a good support group can help you stay strong and give you a place to let your feelings out, because you will not be able to do it at work. You need to have just enough contact with him as you need to do your job, and keep it very businesslike. Do not let him see your feelings or provoke you in any way. It’s probably upsetting to think about giving up a good job over a sociopath. But maybe you should consider cutting your losses if you can, for the sake of healing and moving on. Anyway, would you want to work for a firm that has sociopaths working there unchecked?
If you find you are having panic attacks at work, you may also be eligible for disability, which would give you a breather. Please put your energy into the thinking that you will be okay and that the universe (or your higher power) will support you and provide what is in your best interest, in one way or other. If you choose to stay there, please do build a strong support system outside of work, and remember, you are armed with the knowledge of what he is. Every time you see him, maybe you can change the lens in your mind and look at him as though he is a circus clown.
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August 26, 2017 at 5:53 pm #41978SunnygalParticipant
In the Narcissist Decoder she says if you must have contact with the exploiter be calm and businesslike. I am trying to do this with the exploiter who visits my neighbor every day.
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August 26, 2017 at 6:07 pm #41979StargazerParticipant
Yes, exactly…the operative phrase is “if you must have contact”. It’s always good to know your options and whether a change of job is a real option.
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August 27, 2017 at 2:12 am #41980deckdwellerParticipant
Thank you Stargazer and Sunnygal. I appreciate your answers.
I live in a small town in a small country and I work in the emergency services so other job opportunities are non existent in the same area. My ex husband (I now understand how the sociopath broke us up) and I have shared care of our children so moving away is also not possible. As it’s a small town good therapists are in short supply.
I have two close friends at work who I have confided in and they both instantly understood and agreed with my identification of his pathological condition. They have seen the impact of his manipulation and deceit over the 9 years so I feel blessed to have their support. Funnily enough one of my best supporters is my ex husband. I guess he feels robbed of the life we could have had together and could always see how I was being played. The tragedy is that it’s taken me 9 years to finally see. But from what I have read, it’s a very common phenomenon.
Just reading the stories on the blog, identifying the traits and continually reminding myself is helping. But it’s early days for me. I only figured it out a week ago.
My hope is that I can come out the other side and find the ability to trust and love again. That’s a scary scary prospect after losing all of my instincts. I hope some of you have come through and are now happy.
Thanks again for replying.
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August 27, 2017 at 12:28 pm #41982Jan7Participant
Deckdweller, so glad you have “figured” everything out and that you have a strong support system. Especially from your ex h. Also thankful your ex h gets it! This is huge to move forward & heal from this nightmare you have been living.
Sad that you were conned out of your marriage. This is what sociopaths love to do. They want power & control over everyone. This sociopath wanted power & control not only over you, but your ex h as well. They are pure EVIL. They love to toy with people. Like a cat playing with a mouse.
When I left my h (now ex thank goodness) I found out he was cheating with at least 3 women (maybe 5). I was lucky enough to educate myself & realized they were all victims just like myself. Wish years early I would have been educated when I learned of a two year affair he had. Back then I blamed the “other woman” because my ex was able to easily manipulate me to blame her.
Also glad that you figured out that you have been brain washed by this man since day one! This is a huge step in the recovery process. The first day I sat in my counselors office, after escaping my h (now ex) and she told me who I was married to, I asked her if he was brain washing me because that is how I felt. She said YES!!!!! That’s exactly what they do. I too, like you started to research brain washing and how to unravel the brain washing.
I found the sight Freedom of Mind Resource Center. The site creator was inducted into a cult when he was in college & with the help of his family finally escaped the cult. He returned to college to earn his masters in counseling and started in 30 plus years in helping people leave & understand the cult their ever conned into.
He has written several books. I would recommend the book Freedom of Mind. If you do a search on Lovefraud on Steven Hassan you can find Donna Anderson’s (LF site creators) write up on Steven. He has also been on CNN, Larry King Live, 60 minutes, Fox, John Walsh show (find this episode to learn about brain washing)
His book gave me the understanding of how my ex h manipulated me mentally (and everyone!) into his con game. The book also gave me the understanding that I was his cult follower & he was my cult leader. Just like this guy was your cult leader & you his cult follower.
Google “Bite Mode Freedom of mind” to see who these people start to control others minds.
What I have learned also is these types of people are all cult leaders, whether they have a large cult following such as a religious organization or a few followers such as a domestic abuse situation (like you were dealing with). Never the less they ALL use the same manipulation mind control techniques to control someones mind. So crazy & so so scary!
Gang leaders, pimps, Country dictator, domestic abusive people etc are ALL the same. ALL sociopath or worse psychopaths!!! ALL cult leaders!
Steven Hassan’s estimates that there are over 10,000 cults in the US alone. That does not include individuals who control their mates & kids.
How do you survive when having to work with this sociopath in your life?
You need to protect yourself!!
Not only physically but also to protect yourself from him trying to get you fired by using a sociopath smear campaign against you.
DOCUMENT EVERYTHING!!! Ever time you run into him document it with dates time who was present AND KEEP TELLING THESE CO-WORKERS & FAMILY & FRIENDS TO DOCUMENT EVERYTHING YOU TELL THEM TOO!! This can be used in court if he does things to get you fired. Walk way from him is the best thing to do every time. DO NOT engage in a conversation with him for many reasons but the main reason is he can continue to brain wash you over & over. Also so that he cant twist what you talked about to get you fired.
Do others in the office know of his crazy behavior? Do they sense that something is off with him? i.e. like your boss?
Read up on:
Sociopath smear campaign (also with the word narcissist)
Sociopath triangulation (also with the word narcissist)
Typically if a sociopath cant control you they want to destroy you. So BEWARE. But be careful how you protect yourself. You dont want to look “crazy” even though you are telling the truth to others about him. And remember sociopaths can easily turn the tables to get someone arrested or fired. So beware.
Also do a search here on Lovefraud on “Gray rock”.
AVOID THIS GUY AS BEST YOU CAN. If you are on the same shift. Switch shifts asap. Avoid Avoid avoid. NEVER ride in the same EMT truck with him or work on a patient with him! NEVER!!
YES, read read read everything on sociopath behavior. This will open your mind up from his brain washing. Also look at old photos of you prior to meeting this guy & remember how you felt doing each photo & also visit old places that you went to before him to open up your mind.
For a counselor check out Donna Anderson Love fraud home page she has counselors listed and some do internet group counseling & maybe by phone counseling too. And Donna Anderson Lovefraud creator has a life coach type program that might help you as well.
Hugs to you!! ?
Take care.
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August 27, 2017 at 12:32 pm #41983Jan7Participant
I want to point out also that this guy was NOT your “best friend”.
You stated who he really is:
“…he has also been my tormentor, my thief and the cause of the deepest hurt I have ever known…”
He is pure evil!! A “best friend” is not pure evil.
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August 28, 2017 at 5:50 am #41993deckdwellerParticipant
Thank you so much Jan7. I so appreciate you taking the time to reply. I have been reading up on the topics you suggested and today I have started a list of all the traits and behaviours I have identified. The list is up to 40 items long!
This list is my reminder of the fact he IS a sociopath and all of the reasons why. I need this for the moments when my head and heart question the future without him. This doubt (which is fleeting) is a symptom of the effective brainwashing, leading me to believe he loves me , despite all of the evidence to the contrary.
I am questioning my identity, my beliefs, my instincts, the person I have become. I don’t trust myself. I am so grateful to have found this site and the supportive people who take the time to reply. It reminds me that there are still good people and renews my faith that change can come.
Thanks again for the suggestions. They were immensely helpful.
You’re a true gem.
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August 28, 2017 at 5:58 am #41994deckdwellerParticipant
Intense eye contact
Epiphany talk whenever I start to doubtBest friend, soulmate, only one he’s ever been able to open up to – said to others
Multiple intimate relationships (at the same time, including use of Tinder) but states “I’m not motivated by sex ”
Strangulation
Regarding love “whatever it means”
Delaying answering direct questions (we’ll talk at the end of the week)
Belittling – hair, glasses, snoring, singing, uncool, old
No apologies, no remorse for hurtful acts
No responsibility“Borrowed” $10,000
Manipulating and belittling others, blame
Egocentric, self serving, immatureImpulsive decisions
Low boredom thresholdChanging towns, jobs, relationships
Changing hobbies frequentlyUnable to make long term plans
No deep friendships
Discussions about narcissistic mother (do you think I have narcissistic tendencies?)
“I’m not normal ”Poor me, sad tales from childhood
Juvenile delinquencyNo contact with family
Withdrawing affection and physical presenceBeing unavailable for days at a time
Telling me I’m needyLie lies lies lies
Surface charm, liked by many people
Keeping me unsettled and insecureRemember those doubts, really early on!
Multiple phones, multiple carsKeeps gates locked, dislikes visitors
Secrecy
Gaslighting (making me question my own reality and sanity)
Behaviour patterns repeatingSociopathic triangulation with ex and new partner
This is the list so far but the more I read, the more patterns and traits I can identify. It’s really scaring me what he’s capable of.
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August 28, 2017 at 11:08 pm #42009Jan7Participant
deckdweller, you’re welcome!
Great job in writing this list! This will help you to see clearly who he is. I did the same when I left, it’s quite shocking when you start putting ALL their behavior to a “list” of the crazy drama. Everything on you listed = sociopath!! I would recommend you be more specific of what he did during your relationship so you see clearly what he has done to you. (no need to post it but it will help you to see whole con game).
You state:
“…I am questioning my identity, my beliefs, my instincts, the person I have become. I don’t trust myself…”
THIS IS NORMAL WHEN YOU LEAVE A SOCIOPATH!! you start to question everything!! You feel lost…you feel exhausted mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually.
I promise you this…you will find yourself again. You will be a stronger version of your former self.
You just have to be patient with yourself right now. Your mind & body have been under enormous amount of stress & chaos during your time with this evil man & now that you are sorting everything out.
Your brain has broken free from his brain washing & mind control and now you are feeling all your true feelings that he prevent you from feeling. He made you stuff down your feelings by brain washing you.
Now everything is percolating up.
Feel your feelings! Dont stuff them down.
You will go thru all the grieving stages just like a death of a loved one.
It’s scary to feel the feelings and to feel emotionally out of control.
But with time & educating yourself you will return to a better version of you.
After I escaped my ex…I was an absolute mess. Forget crying, I sobbed endlessly. When I thought there were no more tears left in my body after sobbing for hours…I sobbed for more hours.
Then I hit the anger stage (I’m not an angry person by nature) this was the worse for me. But as I look back on this time while writing I get that my body & mind had to work thru all that brain washing & mind control one step at a time.
Research “grieving stages” so you know what you are going to go thru.
Some how our body & mind know how to heal. And this is part of the healing process.
I would suggest that you look into Adrenal Fatigue. Most if not all victims of a sociopath or cult leave with PTSD. The root issue I believe now of PTSD is adrenal fatigue which most likely started the day you meet this con man sociopath.
Sites to look at:
Adrenal fatigue. org
Dr Lam. com
Google Adrenal Fatigue
Also google:
Dr Amen PBS you tube
Dr Amen depression you tube
Dr Fuhrman PBS you tube (his methods of changing to a good clean diet really does work to flood the body with larges amounts of vitamins & minerals that are depleted with stress).
When I left my ex my health was in horrible shape because of the stress. I was lucky enough to have a friend direct me to a Endocrinologist doctor who tested me for vitamin & mineral deficiency, cortisol levels (fight, flight or freeze response mode), thyroid, and regular test. He was the Doctor that told me about adrenal fatigue. Look up symptoms on those sites i posted.
My test result where off the chart indicated I was not healthy. My vitamin & mineral test indicated that I was severely deficient. All of this leads to our mind not functioning healthy which will prevent us from not making good decisions plus you feel exhausted.
On another support site, the site creater asked if anyone had health issues during their relationship with a narcissist. 400 victims responded. ALL of the health issues were on the list of adrenal fatigue!! Our bodies can only handle so much stress before our warning light goes off.
A sociopath will erase (if you will) all of your good habits our parents, teachers, friends etc instilled in you while you were growing up.
i.e. If you were raised to make your bed everyday the sociopath will brain wash you to break this habit. Then they might do the same with how much you save in the bank or you stop hanging out with your friends & family because he wants all your time. etc etc. Make a list of what he changed in you…this by the way was all to control you!! So you would not think on your own. He erased your everyday habits so now you feel lost. So make a list of your old good habits & start making them a routine again.
So when you leave all of your habits you had for years are gone..so you have to start tracing your habits from prior to meeting the sociopath. You have to start retracing your old pattern of thoughts and belief system. If you were a church goer as a child or young adult go back to church (Steven Hassan mentions people to return to church in his book).
Spend good quality time with your family especially your parents so that you re pick up old good habits from them. Look at old photo albums and feel how you felt in the picture. Visit old spots that you loved & feel your emotions. This will move you back towards your old self.
Your instincts will come back. You have to watch peoples actions over their words. Remember a sociopath is all about manipulating people with words. Whether its gas lighting abuse, triangulation, smear campgain etc.
Read the book (*your local library may have this book). The Gift of Fear by Gavin Debecker.
I felt the same way you did about losing my strong gut instinct. So I researched and came across this book on a video of Oprah’s.
Google:
Oprah Gavin Debecker you tube
(this interview will remind you to follow your gut. Right now your gut reaction is not as strong as it use to be because the sociopath manipulated you to depend on him & not listen to your gut. But your gut instinct is still there…you just have to start listening to it.
I have read that within 3 second a human can determine if someone is honest or not. So use this 3 second rule as your base line.
The fact that you are educating yourself by reading everything here at love fraud & look up things is a huge step towards returning towards your old stronger self.
YES!!! It’s very scary what they are capable!!
Once you leave you truly see how evil they are. SO protect yourself. If you need to put in a alarm system in your home. Home depot & loves (US large hardware stores) have alarm systems starting at $20 per door or window to whole house systems for a few hundred. These types use batteries no hardware and very easy to install. Or look into paying for a company to monitor your home.
SO glad you had the courage to post your post. Reaching out for help is vital in the healing process.
Wishing you all the best.
Take care ?
P.s Lovefraud has a book store at the top of this site with many books on healing & educating yourself on what you endured. If you do a search on the title in the top right corner you might find Donna Anderson’s write up on the book. Her books are excellent as well.
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August 29, 2017 at 8:02 pm #42015deckdwellerParticipant
Thank you again Jan7!
These resources are giving me strength day by day. And the list grows longer….
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