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I posted this elsewhere before I found this site. I’m going to try and make the posts smaller, but it is a years worth.
Essentially, we were best friends from the first day of high school. I will call him Kaden to protect identities. I was currently dating someone, but it fizzled out during the first month of freshman year. Senior year, he asked me to prom and I said yes. At that time, I had a boyfriend who was older so I still wasn’t interested in him.
I reached out to him in July 2016, almost 10 years since the first day we had met, and we quickly started dating.MARCH 2017
He lived with me and my family for 4 months after a drunken rampage and getting kicked out of his roommates’ home. Any night he was drunk he’d come into my room while I was asleep and turn on my light and leave. This happened multiple times in the night until I locked my door. He even called his ex telling her he missed her because I had told him to leave one night after blocking my way and pushing me back into the room multiple times onto his bed. I asked if it made him feel better, and he said “sorta”. He told me I’m the only one he’s come close to hitting, and the only one he’s ever put hands on. We walked home one night from the bar and we were arguing. I walked away from him because I didn’t want to talk to him. Multiple times on the walk he grabbed me by my neck and threw me back away from him, telling me to stop walking away. That should have been the red flag. I wanted nothing to do with him for the rest of the night. I began texting my ex, Jay, in tears telling him that I missed him. Kaden grabbed my phone and went into a rage, calling me every name under the book. He left for the night and eventually moved out. On move out day, we had patched things up and I helped him with his belongings. I had left my phone on the counter, and he had seen a text from my ex, Jay. He proceeded to yell at me and kick me out of his new place.Over the months, he has repeatedly stated that he loves me and he wants to be with me forever. That we’re going to get married and have kids, cuz he dates for that purpose alone; that there was no reason to pursue me if he didn’t want that. He said I was the only girl that got his jokes and would play video games and watch stupid shows with him. And he loved that. He begged me to move in for months. But he would get drunk and bring up how I texted my ex and talked to my guy friends, which he considered cheating; even though I never met up with them. His silent treatment would last about a week, including his name calling. At that time I’d come over to see him belligerently drunk. He would name call me and say I broke his heart, and get back together with me. I’ve told his brother about it and he said he’d handle it, especially because I didn’t want to go to the police.
One of our times together, I spent the day at his house when he went to work to cook him a meal, do his laundry, and clean up his place. He came home and drunk some beers and some shots before watching tv. He can drink a 6 pack in one night with no problem. Then he brought up the “cheating” again. He kicked me out at 3am saying he could never love me and doesn’t want to be with me. I went home and texted him that I really want him to get help because this always happens and I can’t be with him unless he gets help. I thought he would see reason with this. He continued to tell me how horrible I am and that I’ll never find someone. That he deserves better than me…and so on. Then he said to remember that he left me, not the other way around.
A month later, we sit down and talk and decide to get back together. The following day, he ghosts me by completely ignoring my texts and phone calls. A day after that, he texts me saying he needs time to think.
I went out with my cousin and friends for NYE’s and, since we were on good terms at the time, he came along. He cut back on his drinking and he was fun to be around. A couple of days later, he broke up with me again, drunk out of his mind.APRIL 2017
His texts consistently included how he didn’t want me to hang out with my male friends anymore. He also notifies me that his sister will be staying with him for awhile.One night, his sister was somewhere else so I stayed over. Next night she’s there and he wants me to stay. I felt uncomfortable cuz it’s a small place (1 bedroom). I told him that and that I didn’t want to stay tonight and he became highly upset. He got a big attitude and told me that I couldn’t even come to hangout. So I dropped him off at home and went on my way. He didn’t contact me for at least 3 days.
I texted him saying I’ll pick him up after work. I normally do when we’re on good terms, but I hadn’t heard from him. He got off work and saw my car and walked by it to go to his sister’s car. I felt so upset. I pulled over at a gas station and they showed up. He locked eyes with me and made sure I saw that he silenced his phone in his pocket before going inside. All I saw was RED! I wanted to go in there and make a scene, but I’m too much of a good person. The fact that he can ignore my texts, calls, and voicemails infuriates me. I had written him a letter days ago and sent it about what I needed in a relationship. And now it’ll probably get there tomorrow. He always drinks a lot when he’s with his sister and then that’s usually when I get angry texts. I did leave some angry voicemails because I needed to say that it was rude and that I don’t deserve to be treated like this.
It’s been about 2 weeks since we last spoke. On 2 separate occasions, he has texted me during odd hours to tell me that he wants nothing to do with me because I’m a s-word, c-word, w-word (his favorite word), and so on. I asked him how he came to the conclusion that I’m a _____ and he simply yelled “because you’re a w-word!” I’m all of these things that don’t make any logical sense, especially concerning the situation. He sounded incredibly drunk on the phone. But he says he doesn’t want me to call or text again. Oh and now he’s added to the list that I’m a piece of s-word.
Unfortunately, I still see the good person in my mind. My brain thinks back to the good times like “oh it’s not so bad” and “things will stay good” when we’re together. We’re still broken up at this very moment. He also says he’s found better and wants nothing to do with me. *shoulder shrug*. If he has found someone, that hurts. Cuz I gave him everything. Made his birthday and Valentine’s Day perfect, when he never even got me anything.MAY 2017
In a letter I wrote to him, I let him know my frustrations and that a relationship shouldn’t feel like this.The ex doesn’t live far from me at all. But for some reason, he waited 3 weeks later to text me at 5am telling me to stop writing him and that he didn’t read my letter. I told him I had mailed it weeks ago and it wasn’t my fault he didn’t check his mail on a regular basis. I also brought up the fact that he was texting ME when he had told me to leave him alone.
It’s been over a month (maybe 1.5 months?) since contact or physically seeing each other. The beginning was so difficult. Every day was like a bad day. This is still the longest we’ve gone without contact. My stupid self texted him telling him I’d take him to work if he needed, but I’ve gotten no response. I’m disappointed at myself doing doing that. But a part of me is actually glad that I haven’t gotten any response so that I may keep healing.
He smokes a lot of weed which is endangering his health according to his doctor. He has 2 DUI’s granted within mere months of each other in his early 20’s and a DV report. When I asked him about the DV, he stated that his mother told him to leave and he refused. Upon our recent breakup, his mother told me that he had grabbed her by the throat and shoved her against a bookshelf, then proceeding to shut the door so they couldn’t get out. He has done this same thing to me.
AUGUST 2017
Here’s the new stuff. I moved in with him and he kicked me out within 4 days due to not posting about him on my social media. He doesn’t even have social media. He is insecure and highly threatened by photos of celebrities that I have.After I had moved out, we spoke again and were on speaking terms. I waited 2 hours to pick him up from work. I wasn’t angry or upset at all. We had plans to watch a tv show together, but he started an argument about a celebrity artist on the radio for no reason. He slammed my door and I haven’t heard from him since. This was almost 3 weeks ago.
I wrote him a letter, stating that he needs AA and needs to work on himself, because he has done things that no man should do. I told him that one day he will look back and regret this, but it’ll be too late, for I will be with a man who will know my worth and not let me go. -
Lovebug – dump him forever. The guy has serious problems. Never tolerate a man who lays a hand on you, even if he is drunk. There is no excuse.
Even if he stops drinking, he will still be disordered.
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Lovebug, hon you are living a true nightmare everyday with this abusive man!! Please know you deserve so much more from a partner. You deserve love, respect & kindness. This guy shows you none of this.
I agree 1000% with Donna. DUMP THIS GUY!! Follow the NO CONTACT RULE with him (google & look this term up on Lovefraud).
Do you know Lovebug, that a woman is 5 TIMES more likely to be killed by her partner if he grabs her neck during a fight?
YES!! 5 TIMES more likely to be KILLED by him!!!
How Do you leave this guy safely?
You get a DOMESTIC ABUSE EXIT PLAN & A DOMESTIC ABUSE SAFETY PLAN in place ASAP!!
How do you do this?
Contact your National & local abuse center ASAP for help.
GOOGLE: Domestic abuse exit plan and then Domestic abuse safety plan
PLEASE KNOW that the MOST dangerous time for a woman leaving a abusive relationship is when she is planning to leave or has just left her abuser.
SO DONT DO THESE PLANS ALONE get help from your country’s National & Local abuse center.
In the USA the NATIONAL DOMESTIC ABUSE CENTER NUMBER IS 800-799-SAFE.
If you look at the National Domestic Violence Hotline website they explain what is abuse.
Do you know that a abuser will do everything to isolate their victims from others. From friends & family. This is what he is doing to you!!
Do you know that he is training you just like a animal is trained to have control over you.
If you dont do what he wants = he kicks you out of your home!
If you dont do what he wants = he breaks up with you!
If you dont do what he wants = he grabs your neck!
If you dont do what he wants = he uses intimidation & fear to control you!!
THIS IS EMOTIONAL, MENTAL, PHYSICAL AND VERBAL ABUSE!!!
DO YOU KNOW YOU ARE BEING ABUSED?
Ask yourself every day “Am I being emotional, mental, verbally & physically abused by this man?
DO YOU KNOW YOU DESERVE BETTER?
DO YOU KNOW THAT THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE ON THIS PLANET HALF ARE MALES & 1/3 OF THEM ARE IN YOUR AGE RANGE TO DATE?
WHY ARE YOU SETTLING WITH THIS ABUSER?
Do You think it’s time to see the truth? That you are being abused by this manipulative man?
Please contact your National & local abuse center asap!! Dont be embarrassed or ashamed. The free phone counselors have all been where you are now.
KEEP READING HERE AT LOVEFRAUD!! IT WILL EDUCATE YOU ON WHAT KIND OF DISORDER PERSON YOU ARE DATING. Also keep asking questions & venting. Dont worry about how “long” your post are…there is no way to shorten your post because the disordered individual does so many crazy things that it takes a long post to explain everything.
DONNA IS CORRECT when she states that its more then just alcohol, he is disorder = does not have a healthy brain = never will.
Hugs to you!! ?
Wishing you all the best!
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Lovebug, the DUI’s alone are scary. There is a new law that with multiple DUI’s the offender will get a minimum of 90 days in jail. Sounds like he is on his way to this. If not jail, is he going to harm someone or himself with his drunk driving? Never mind the violent outbursts which are also scary. Doesn’t sound like he’s anywhere near close to seeking help.
It is a great tragedy of being human that you can love someone deeply but not be able to be with them for whatever reasons. Sometimes the reasons are glaring, like he is disordered, self-destructive, and immature, just incapable of a healthy relationship. It doesn’t change that you love them and see the best in them. This is normal. This is a matter where your head and heart battle. You need to listen to your head. Your heart will eventually follow, but it may take a while, and you will probably feel a lot of pain. But what are your choices? Do you see any kind of future with this guy? Doesn’t look that way to me. Sometimes you need to just cut your losses and go. You deserve a healthy partner who doesn’t cause all this drama and destruction. Voice of experience here. I know how hard it is to leave.
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