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Update: It’s been about a year since I found this site and started healing. My story is much like many others. I fell in love with a sociopath not realizing what he was, got hurt very badly, ended it, but just couldn’t move on. I didnt understand what or why this happened to me. I can honestly say that all the help and support Donna and others offered me here was so beneficial. Kudos to Donna for continuing to fight the good fight and promote awareness! And I’m glad to see others connecting with this community and receiving sage advice when they find themselves at a crossroads and aren’t sure what to do.
I want to share what has happened with me since, in hopes that it can help someone else. My first post asked the question, “Why didn’t his family warn me?” It had been a little over 3 years after the final breakup and I wasn’t healing, didn’t date, was sooooo sad and lonely, didn’t trust, was angry, had no energy, and had so many unanswered questions as to why I still missed him. I found lovefraud.com and read post after post, independent articals, bought Donna’s book Red Flags looking for answers. I found them. Not only do I now understand how messed up these people are, but that ending a relationship with a spath is not like any normal ending, it has consequences. My anxiety, depression, and PTSD was unlike anything I had ever experienced, but the worst of it all was the addiction. It was the addiction to him (mostly because of the sex) that was causing obsessive thoughts feeding my sadness. For me, this was the hardest thing to deal with. I couldn’t get him out of my head even though I successfully got him out of my house.
The advice I received here was spot on. All who had been down this road before me knew it would take time, education, and understanding. No truer words have been spoken… NO Contact, pay attention to YOU, heal body mind and spirit through prayer or meditation or whatever you’re comfortable with, YOU can change THEY can’t, its not your fault, and finally… it takes time, but it will happen! I didn’t really believe that last part. I was hurting so badly even after years of no contact, I thought loneliness was my new normal.
It did take time and it did happen! How much time is up to each individual. For me it was 4 1/2 years. How do I know? That’s what I wanted to share in hopes others can benefit from my experience.
After learning about PTSD, I knew it was the first thing I needed to address. He had worn me down with his crazy roller coaster moods, bullying and blame game, that I was constantly walking on eggshells; so much so that I went numb out of self preservation…my adrenal glands were in a state of fatigue. So for the past year, I have been taking a regimen of vitamins and going to a massage therapist/healer. I have focused on me, meditate daily, reconnected with lost friends, kindness first and foremost, and found a new hobby in gardening. Then it happened. My crazy x contacted me and it meant nothing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to me. That’s not entirely true. It did mean one thing… he was probably single again, bored, looking to inflict control over someone, and it wasn’t going to be me! I realized i hadnt thought about him in months.
I had blocked him from my phone, social media, and my life. But when I changed phone carriers with a new phone I guess his blocked number became unblocked. So there it was… a text. The preview showed, “Hi its [insert name here] hows it going…” Without caring what the rest of it said, I deleted it and re-blocked his number as if it was just another thing to do that day. That was huge! That’s when I knew unequivocally I was over him. He is my past, not my present, and I reclaimed my future. And it will happen for you too. I promise. No one should have to endure the pain of a spath. Get out, get help, get well, be patient! -
shescomeundone — thank you for posting your inspiring journey of recovery. I hope that those who are just finding this forum read and re-read it to help them know there IS light at the end of their long, dark tunnel. So many post such heart-wrenching stories full of self-doubts, self-blame, anger and hopelessness. Those of us on the far side of our pain try to help, but we all know, the true cure is time and work. This forum is a god-send as it outlines and explains all the stages of our grief, and all the ways we can move beyond.
It has been 3 years since my own encounter with a lying, cheating, thieving narcissist, 1 year since I found my voice here. I am now in a healthy, caring relationship with a lovely man who treats me with respect and kindness, makes me laugh every day, and asks for nothing in return but my company. What a concept!
Although I will admit I still have residual angst and nightmares, they have become rare and easier to quickly dispel. I may never be the trusting soul I once was, but in many ways, that is a good thing. I am healthy and happy and now looking forward rather than over my shoulder. I can only wish that for all of us here.
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Congratulations shescomeundone! It really does take time and effort. I am so happy to hear you reached that place of neutrality and security. Your experience mirrors my own. There finally came a time when I totally didn’t care, didn’t obsess, and had taken my life back.
Thank you for sharing your healing story.
Slim
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Shescomeundone – thank you so much for sharing your story again. I do hope it inspires others to keep going in their program of self healing, knowing that it is possible. I am so happy for your recovery!
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