By | January 1, 2012 69 Comments

Happy New Year!

To all Lovefraud readers:  Happy New Year! We wish you steady progress towards recovery, health, happiness and peace! Believe in yourself —it’s the key to moving forward!

Love and best wishes,

Donna and Terry

Posted in: Donna Andersen

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New Beginning

Thank you Donna and Terry. May 2012 be a year of much happiness and good health for both you and your families.

Kind regards,



I’m preparing a list and will try to follow through.

The more I keep myself productive, the less time I will spend thinking about crap that robs me of joy.

I want to finish more projects and feel a sense of pride in my accomplishments.

This is a new day and a new year. I’m excited to make good changes and press on to lead a happy life. I deserve a happy life…we all deserve to be happy!


Donna and Terry,
thank you for everything you’ve done for us. Your good Karma will come back to you in abundance.

New Beginning


Yes, staying productive helps a lot. And when I have a bad day, I don’t beat myself up over it. It’s all part of the healing process. One day at a time.



I’ve had a nice day today but I do feel I’ve taken a step backwards ….had a dream bout the ex last night and as a result am feeling a bit wobbly.

Am having a WTF moment. Help!!!!!



dreams are vehicles to heal something emotional or solve an issue there. So to dream about him is not bad at all. If the dream is about pain it means you’ve started to work on that pain. If the dream is one of desire, you’re mind is dealing with that issue too. So, don’t feel bad about having a dream about him. The mind just works in mysterious ways when healing and dealing. But in essence a dream means you solved something by the time you woke up, even if you don’t understand it consciously. It it possible to influence your mood, because the feelings in dreams can have a strong emotional impact: it brings the emotion to the surface. All in all it’s better to recognize the feeling for a day, rather than have it hidden away. You’ll feel better and less wobbly tomorrow 🙂


Oh thanks Darwinsmom, hadn’t thought of it like that. It was very real and quite unnerving …..I went to kiss him and he said I’ll be the decider of that strongawoman!

I try so hard to not think of him during waking hours and there he is… In my dreams. Thanks …your words of encouragement are appreciated



Gladly done, strongawoman…

The first weeks after the ending with my ex-spath I slept a lot, including in the day. I did it whenever I felt very emotional. It gave my body time to rest, and I counted on my mind to work through it in a dream… So, I kinda slept a lot on purpose to have the hard core healing done in my dreams, rather than awake. I would wake up, most of the time feeling better, until several hours a new triggered emotion would surface., and then it was back to bed.. Only times I felt horrible where with the confrontational ones in which I remembered a humiliation of him towards me. Those made me remember and be aware of how painful that moment was. And that pain I then had to work through consciously by crying over it.

Anyway, when you avoid an issue in the conscious mind, the higher the chances that you’ll dream about it.


Yes I’m doing a lot of avoiding ….first new years eve on my own was liberating but VERY emotional. Cried over stupid stuff. God, crying now telling you this. It’s hard isn’t it. To have resolve. It’s tough.
Oh dear…..ridiculous. I said to my daughter today, when am I going to think about something other than him when I wake up in the morning?

He doesn’t deserve this amount of attention!!!


They don’t deserve the attention… but you deserve the attention to heal, and he’s the cause for the healing to be done.

It’s ok to choose not to think of him in your waking life, and to opt to let your dreams deal with it instead. It’s ok. Or you may prefer to do it the other way around: resolve in your waking life, peaceful sleep. But in my experience the first often goes faster, and at least you have attention for your job, your daughter, for yourself in your waking hours.

Hugs… you are healing and it will get better and better.


I have been reading everything here and many books since Dec. 2006. I think I have posted only once before. Your blog has been my validation, my education, and the most effective source for my emotional and psychological rehabilitation. I have come out on the other side of a destructive, mind….ing , health destroying 20 year marriage to a psychopath still sane and alive and functional. And a hell of a lot smarter. I want you to know how much good you are doing for people that come across this blog desperately seeking answers to what they got themselves into. I spent many years not realizing that I was completely duped . I was really confused ( cognizant dissonance ). I felt I was guilty, wrong, to blame. I was constantly wracking my brain trying to figure out what his motivations were. What a waste of my time! Well, so long to that stretch of my journey and hello to this new year. I wish you and your family a very good new year and please keep the light on for all of us fighting for a way out of psychopathic involvement.


Hi and happy new year!
I was so happy so say goodbye to 2011. I thought I was moving forward and the spath was gone…or at leaste I reached a point where I was mentally erasing the fear and taking it day by day.
Tonight I saw him. I went outside for a cigarrete and I saw him do a drive by my place through the back alley. Needless to say it really freaked me out. we made eye contact for a brief moment then he sped away.
Due to the 7 year restraining order I contacted the police who said they couldn’t do anything since he wasn’t at my door. Why was he coming around my place? to see if Jr. and I still lived here? It made me so uncomfortable and freaked out. All of a sudden I realized he’s still lurking about. this only brings up more concerns because if he hasn’t given up on me he will surely continue with the legal battle for Jr. (who doesn’t even know him) Let me clarify he will not petion the court but will show up for the court date the state sets up. After all he won’t spend any of his own money.
Am I over reacting? This was not a coincidence. What could his intentions have been? I need to get back to the place I was before seeeing him. I just feel I let my guard down and found myself shocked to see him…
My goodness this year had started out so well…I was feeling so hopeful for the first time in a long time..


Actually i’m going to respond to my own post. Who cares..what hes doing or why. He will not get back into my head. I will not start this year off being afraid or trying to understand something that ultimately doesn’t matter.
He was probably bored. Point blank! He’s not getting back into my head.

Ox Drover

Dear Coping,

I am so sorry that you freaked out about seeing him, but I sure can understand WHY you would freak out! Yes, he is stalking you, just continue to DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT DOCUMENT!!!!!

About the police report, make sure that you have a WRITTEN report. Yes, you should NOT let him TERRORIZE you, but you do need to be CAUTIOUS….the difference is all in the MIND SET, the circumstances are the same, but the way you THINK about it is what is different!

I hope and pray things go better for you with that jerkface!



dear coping, good for you!!! the time between your two posts was roughly 10 minutes, but your perspectives were light years away!

have a wonderful 2012.

one joy


Happy new year to each one of us, may we have peace health and prosperity. and may we, and all the people still suffering in relationships with spaths all find our ways through and out of hell.

New Beginning

Amen, One Joy.


yes, Donna,

It was the series “Who the bleep did I marry?”. I didn’t know it was a series, and my parents wanted to watch the show WITH me after inviting me for dinner. I realized after 15 mins, that it would be in episodes per deceived partner. And tonight it was the episode with the woman whose husband turned bank robberer. Do you know which episode you were in? Tonight was the first one.


The Network is called 5TV. It’s season 1. Next week it’s episode 2, “defector and divorcee”.


Happy New Year Everyone.
Thanks Donna for all you have done for so many.

Well, I am somewhat more free today than I was yesterday!
More free yesterday than I was the day before. But, not near as free as I am going to be tomorrow!!!!!

I didn’t time travel or anything at the stroke of midnight but when I saw that clock tick over, inside my soul, it was jumping for joy because I have passed a huge milestone in my life now….

Last intrusion was just about two to two and a half weeks ago now. I let it pass without recognition. I meant what I said, when I told “IT” that I would never speak another word to him again as long as I live. I absolutely meant it.

It has been a long and difficult road to get to where I am today. It took just about 3 to 3 1/2 years of constant sobbing; losing so much weight it almost took my life; having a near fatal heart attack and bouncing back through all of that! I am surprised I haven’t turned to drugs or alcohol! Seriously.

I am grateful to still be alive and to have survived this psychopath experience. I have made it past (by a few days now) eight months no contact and I achieved, New Years Eve, the goal I set for myself a year ago, when I promised myself NO MORE NEW YEARS EVES LIKE THE LAST ONE! I fulfilled that promise to myself. I did.

THANK YOU LOVE FRAUD-ERS for all your support and strength and understanding since I have been here, sharing…you guys all ROCK and I will never forget any of you.

Have the Happiest of New Years and realize and pamper your value and your worth. You are important to all of us in the world just because of your compassion and caring.

Love and hugs to you all,



First New Year’s by myself.

This blog has been the most helpful resource I have found. I am still reeling from finding out that the man I was married to for over 7 years has been molesting my daughter for five of those years. He completely jumped ship and discarded us… his supposed family and life, leaving me holding the entire bag. This all happened Dec. 9th…. so I have been discovering piece by piece, just how manipulative and horrible he actually was. I, too, have slept a lot… the holidays were horrible. I put the tree up with my children, wrapped their presents and had the holiday for them…. I had to. For them. I still go to my job… I run a small business in my small town…. my estranged husband is under investigation for the molestation…… I don’t even know where he is… he controlled all our finances and I’m digging myself out from under that mess…. I found a lawyer and filed for divorce…. found out he gave an attorney $50,000 from his IRA’s for a retainer (a criminal attorney to fight the molestation charges), he also wired $100,000 from his IRA’s to his adult son in another state to bail him out of jail if he gets arrested. My lawyer filed for restraining orders on him, the financial institution holding the IRA’s, the lawyer who accepted the retainer, and his son who accepted the $100,000. I didn’t even know he had the IRA’s. Its a nightmare. I just want to sleep all the time, but I have to care of my kids, our pets and my business. Its true hell. I need this blog to survive. I do. I am reading it daily. Its the only thing that’s really helping. Thank you everyone here. Just to know I’m not alone has been very comforting.


Bless you Junesurvivor, you are in my thoughts. It takes a lot of energy and courage to stay and fight like you’re doing. One day at a time. Strength to you and your loved ones and hugs to you.

Brave lady!!


congratulations to you for having the courage to do what you need to do.

Psychopaths always have an exit strategy in place. That’s why he had those IRA’s hidden from you – just in case he got caught.

One very old psychopath I met, says that he carries a cyanide pill – just in case. I wish they all had that exit strategy.



Exit strategy for spath=:)


Yep, I agree with Strongawoman. THAT was a good one!


Happy New Year to everyone here on Lovefraud! May 2012 be your best year yet, SPATH free!!!



My estranged husband sent me an email tonight. It says “I love you and miss you. Goodnight sweetheart.” He’s a monster! He has destroyed my life, my poor daughter’s life and my son’s life. He’s a molester and a predator and I don’t even know where he is!!!! He left me with a terrible mess…. a broken heart, a broken home, ruined finances, and on the verge of a nervous breakdown!! I feel like I WILL have a nervous breakdown!! I trusted him 100%. relied on him, loved him, supported him…. was dependent on him… and he is a MONSTER!!!!! How will I survive this??? Please help me!!! Please.

Ox Drover

June survivor,

YOU WILL SURVIVE! Right now you may not FEEL like it, but you CAN and you WILL because your kids need you, and you need them!

First….BREATHE!!! Breathe again!!! rinse and repeat. Just breathe over and over.

Second…realize that you are in a panic because your world just fell apart and it is NORMAL TO BE IN A PANIC right now….but remember that it WILL END.

Third….keep on breathing, and taking care of yourself and your kids….that’s all you have to do right now.

Then REMEMBER KNOWLEDGE IS POWER…and educate yourself, you are NOT alone. Learn about psychopaths, learn about yourself. There is support and knowledge here. God bless you and your kids is my prayer. (((hugs)))


It is AMAZING the power they have over us. They can do all these terrible things, but say, “I love you and miss you” and we are back being all torn up about them again.

Once you recover, you look at a message, like the one from JuneSurvivor and you think, “Why would his words affect her at all!? Course I AM jumping to conclusions here, but I’ve been in this too long not to think I can read between the lines.

So June, My Dear.

He moves you because you are still connected to the fantasy that he can somehow save you. Somehow love you. Somehow be the man you had hoped. But he is NOT that man. He is the MONSTER you know him to be and ONLY time and reading and thinking and sharing and learning and crying and talking and sleeping and taking care of yourself and being kind to yourself and not blaming yourself and seeing him for who he really is will help you recover. It’s a long road, but it DOES get easier.

Just focus on what you need to do to recover from all the damage.

If he is a molester than I sure hope you filed a police report! Because as we all know, he’ll do it again.

Peace Sister


He is playing with your emotions. He’s a liar and he isn’t satisfied with the damage he’s done.

You will survive it, one day at a time. And one day, he won’t matter to you anymore. It just takes time. Do not have any contact with him and don’t feed him your emotions. Your emotions are what he wants. He knows he has wounded you and that you are bleeding emotions, so he’s circling for the kill. Give him NOTHING.

I can tell you what helped me the most was reading and learning about spaths. Each AHA! moment was a victory and a balm. Blogging here and communing with others who understood was also very healing.

My spath has recently come back into my life via email after 2 years. He sent similar messages of love and tenderness. It’s diabolical. They know that we still have cognative dissonance over the betrayal and they will work that angle. We have to keep firmly in our minds the fact that they are evil and they want to feed on us. Nothing they say is true, it’s only a manipulation.

I’m sorry I can’t take your hurt away, but we can be here for each other. ((hugs))


Thank you for the responses. I am reading them again and again. I was almost suicidal tonight. Just three weeks ago… I had my life….my world, my marriage, family…. it was all destroyed in an instant. I’ve been doing everything I can to help my daughter. Yes, report filed. He’s under investigation. But I don’t even know where he is. This is the first contact I’ve had since he left Dec. 9th after I confronted him about molesting my daughter. I’ve lost over 15 pounds in three weeks. Thank you for helping me. I feel a little bit calmer now. Thank you.

Ox Drover

Dear June,

I am so sorry that such a horrible thing has happened to your daughter and to You as well…the BETRAYAL is terrible. I am glad that you filed a report…and I hope that he will be found, prosecuted and punished. It is a long hard road to recovery, I won’t tell you it isn’t, but you have found a wonderful support and education group here.

Also, Dr. Liane Leedom has a web site linked here, parenting the at risk child…(the link is on blog rolls on the left side of the top part of the screen) and there will be some resources for you and your daughter there.

Contact social services if you have not already done so, and get some counseling for you and your family, especially your daughter. There should be some rape hot lines or other specific to what happened to your daughter. USE the resources there, as well as read here. God bless you, June! ((hugs)))


Save every communication. Log it, make a backup copy. You NEED it; it will become part of your evidence.

Sorry, you are still in shock. Have you seen a doctor? You could use some anti anxiety help. Bet you aren’t sleeping either. My daughter made me promise no suicide. You MUST make the same PROMISE. She’s already harmed, PLEASE think LONGterm. If you try to escape by suicide, you ADD to her harm. I know it’s hard. But ADDing to the harm done to her is NOT an answer.

GET SOME REAL HELP. We can support and validate you but we aren’t present. You need more than us.

Fleeced Ewe

Dear Donna…

Thank you for being so amazing. You haven’t seen me on for a while because I took the strength and wisdom from you and this site and all the fantastic contributers and fueled my own fire.

A year ago, I was into my second year of court battles with my second husband who has sociopathic tendencies (I learned to say it that way to avoid lawsuits since he and they are rarely diagnosed); after I fired my lawyer…it took a few hearings but I WON!!!! he is in jail and has been ordered to leave me and our daughter alone!!! IT CAN BE DONE WITHOUT A LAWYER AND THOUSANDS IN LEGAL FEES.
Mind you, the first judge assigned to our case is on lifetime probation for sexual harassment…

May this New Year bring a long-awaited victory for me and my children concerning my first husband who has narcissistic tendencies and who defrauded me and our children in 2000. I still have not recovered financially nor socially…. believe you me, he IS going to experience full exposure–because he is my next project.

Today, I filled out BAR reports on the 4 attorneys and the judge who all sadistically came to the aid of these two men at me and my children’s expense.

YAY for 2012! it’s go’in DOWN!


Thank you for helping me last night. Yes, I’ve seen my doctor… have meds. Yes, I’m taking my daughter and myself for counseling. I am trying to do all the right things. Its just very, very hard. Yes, I still am in shock. All I want to do is sleep. Thank you to all of you who responded and helped me. I’ll keep reading, posting and trying. God Bless.


june ~ Yes, you are doing everything right, even while in the middle of TOTAL chaos and pain, you are doing everything right. You may not feel “strong” right now, but you are.

Like Katy said, document everything, give a copy of the email to whoever is investigating.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your son and daughter.

Again, you are doing everything you can do right now. Keep the faith.



There are people who have been in your shoes. You definitely aren’t alone. My spath had a business, gradually blew up his life, and disappeared (he ran from the law). He has been found and is sitting in jail. You are not alone. I am sorry that you are experiencing hell-on-earth. It’s horrible, I know. I had someone advise me once (because I was overwhelmed with all kinds of emotions) – take it a moment at a time – you get through one moment, then you move through the next moment, and so on… Breathe (that helps me). Do things that can help you to calm down (eg. drink a good cup of hot tea, listen to soothing music, etc.) getting your mind (as much as you can) off of the shocking, disturbing experiences. The upsetting news that we receive is definitely jarring to our minds and bodies, taking a toll on us. Peace.

the phoenix

Thank you Donna for putting up this website and blog. Happy New Year to you as well!

Once I had a name for the behavior, now know what my spath IS, I can now understand the why behind things he does, know what to look for and what to expect from him next. That has been one of the Biggest steps in this process for me. Seeing the posts from others, hearing their stories that are similar to my own, Knowing I am NOT alone in this- this is a HUGE! Boost for me in the healing process as I sort through it all.

I hope everyone has a healthy, prosperous and productive New Year. May good things come to all of us, since we have waited long enough and put up with so much already!


Thanks phoenix..peace and joy to your life as well.

Your words hit home with me…
“…now I know what my spath IS…”

That is just HUGE.
It is so very difficult realizing that what we thought was the person we were loving and caring about really wasn’t that person at all. Once you find that acceptance, and you look at it from a different perspective, it has a way of ‘freeing’ your soul and your heart and your mind. It doesn’t erase it but with the passing of time, it will become ‘gentler’…it is a grieving process.

Maybe you have a great New Year, as well, phoenix.
Always be true to yourself. 😉


Happy Happy New Year to Donna and all lovefrauders or love de-frauders? Going back to my original name, new year, new attitude ~! hens no more..Henry is back with a capital H..


HAPPY,HEALTHY NEW YEAR to all on Lovefraud!

I haven’t been around lately to read or post…but I always think of everyone on here…because it was YOU who gave me the wisdom and strength to be where I am today…which is a very happy and secure place!

Three years ago I was a mess. I found this site and everyone on here helped me to climb from the depths of total despair to a MUCH better place.

I saved my house, started substitute teaching and, even though I have a big mortgage to pay, I now have the confidence to work and to try to make it and keep my girls and I stable and to “keep it moving”…which is my motto!

Just wanted to check in and wish everyone a peaceful new year and assure everyone going through the stages, that you WILL come out stronger than ever, wiser…and you will NEVER be the same; you will be BETTER… for your entire life.

Thanks everyone and I hope I can help others get to a better place. I will try to check in more often.

Keep the Faith everyone. I always remember….you either have FEAR or FAITH. So, when I feel “scared”….I ask myself…”where’s your FAITH?”.

Immediately I feel stronger.


Ox Drover

Dear 2B, I’m so glad to see you checking in and that you are doing well! Keep your faith going strong and keep on that road! (((hugs)))) and all my best to you!


Thanks Oxy! Miss you guys! HUGS


Happy new year ToBeHappy! It’s good to hear from you.


Hi 2B!

Fantastic result and you sound fabulous girl. Well done you. xxx

the phoenix

Hi Dupey!

I plan on having a Great New Year. At least I am shooting for it that way and heading that direction…

Once I had a name and knew WHATt he is/was, OMG! YES! Things made sense and became much easier to understand for me too. Up until then, I could not explain anything and that had me stumped.

The money going through the account like pee thru a strainer, yet there were no ATM transactions, no gambling addictions, no online subscriptions, no way of explaining where it went or what it was spent on… and then the question of what he was doing all day while I was at work- still a big mystery if I cared enough to think about it. But there was no drug use evident, no alcohol abuse, nothing to explain the why or the how, let alone any reasons for all of the lies he told or continues to tell. Once I found LF, it all fell into place and makes perfect sense. As twisted as that may sound to some, it all. makes. sense.

It does bring a sense of relief and in a way- a sense of closure. Knowing he will never change, there is nothing that can be done to change him or his behavior, knowing it is all an act on his part… It. all. makes. sense.

From here, I will just move forward and do what I can to close this chapter in my life. I am done fighting with him, done feeling sorry for him and in a word, just DONE!



phoenix: OMG: how horrid a person!
Do you need me to tell you where the money went?
It went down that same black hole that our emotions and caring and time went…that same black hole, Dearest….

It’s time to end it and cut our losses.
Right: closure is a big thing. Most times we don’t have the opportunity, I made for myself, the last time he presented himself with LOVEBOMBING…”Sure….stop by…” And whether he heard me and/or cared or not, oh well…at least I made myself feel better by putting closure to it. IN MY MIND. HE is apparently still having a difficult time with that and I may just have to legally refresh his memory, but that’s alright…we can. No problem. It has been 8 months NC from me, yet, he persists with his stalking.

I knew (for the only time in ten years) that he would be stopping by, so I prepared myself with every word so carefully choreographed because I wanted no misunderstandings…when he arrived, we spent the day together but not like it was…and at the end of that day, I let “IT” have it with both barrels and I meant every word I said. “GOOD BYE”!

Yes, it took a long time for the collective hurt from the entire experience to slough off me; I still work at it all the time…I know I have changed as a person inside, where it counts. Everything I ever believed and thought was completely devastated by the experience of “IT”…I had to rebuild myself by standing firm and strong on my convictions. My beliefs.

Yes, close the chapter…move forward, write a new one…
carefully, guardedly, always being kind to yourself and honest with yourself, first and foremost. WE ALL HAVE TO SLEEP WITH THE PERSON WE SEE IN THE MIRROR IN THE MORNINGS and as long as you can live your life like that, you will have no regrets.


Ox Drover

Phoenix, where IS the money going? Why no paper trail? Interesting.

Good luck, and you are right. He will NOT CHANGE.

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