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Happy New Year!

To all Lovefraud readers:  Happy New Year! We wish you steady progress towards recovery, health, happiness and peace! Believe in yourself —it’s the key to moving forward!

Love and best wishes,

Donna and Terry

Posted in: Donna Andersen

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69 Comments on "Happy New Year!"

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Skylar,
Thanks for that link. I saved it so I can go back and read more. I started reading and couldn’t stop. I’ll keep going back to that site and reading and learning.

Milo and Ana,
Glad you found it as helpful as I did. I was incredibly lucky when I first left the spath, in that I found that web site and one really good book. It’s from there that I got the foundation for understanding the spath and escaping from him for good.

The other articles that describe Anna’s relationshit with her mother are also very enlightening.

One thing that opened my eyes on that blog, was a thing called “Bathroom Barging”. Apparently, spaths commonly do this, where they refuse to respect your privacy and just walk into the bathroom no matter what you are doing. They do this over and over as if to teach you that you shouldn’t expect any privacy in your life.

When I read about that, I remembered my 13 year-old friend in grade school. She told me that her dad had molested her. I didn’t believe her. I didn’t really respond much to her because it just seemed outlandish. There was something else she told me and SHOWED me: her dad had removed the bedroom doors from both her and her brother’s bedrooms. And then he made a rule: they were not to close the bathroom door when using it! WTF? I actually witnessed that part, but still didn’t believe the molesting part. 30 years later, I realized that she was telling the truth. Bathroom Barging is just one aspect of a RED FLAG in which the spaths refuse to allow you privacy. They want to control every aspect of your mind and body.

When I read that, I felt so bad about my friend. And I understood why she stopped being my friend without explanation – I guess I deserved it.

Skylar, sorry about your friend. Maybe you can find her on FB and apologize. You didn’t understand it as a kid. Most people can’t understand it as adults, so don’t feel bad.

Skylar and anyone else finding themselves in similar situation.

When you did not believe your friend, emotionally for her it was the same as calling her a liar. As a child of a pedophile, a recipient of molestation, and the witness to my father’s vaginal rape of two sisters, I can tell you the emotional pain of being called a liar when you tell someone of your father’s pedophilia is as bad as the molestation.

But you were a child, and too much was asked of you at that moment. Loyalty, esp in an spath family, is not valued. So you were at double disadvantage.

Now as an adult, I think it would a very kind gesture to track her down and tell you that you now understand and believe. It WILL MATTER. And more important, to share your empathy will matter to your spirit.

Katy,
I understand how you must relate to my childhood friend.

My friend, M, and I were BFF since 2nd grade. She was 1 year older than I. She was always a bit peculiar, now I know why. Her mom was an N and her dad … a spath? He was always smoking pot for his “cancer”. But they were pretty well off.

At that time, she went “boy crazy”, she was an early bloomer and I was a late bloomer – this was accentuated by our 1 year age difference. Then there was the molestation….

On top of that, her neighbor, a married man, would make passes at her. And her dad would tell her all his problems in his marriage. All this stuff started to happen at once and it was very confusing to me. She was attracting ALOT of attention from every man and boy that she encountered because of her figure. I didn’t know that this would create such an enormous change in a person, but it did. There was suddenly drama everywhere but I naturally gray rocked it: I pretended it wasn’t happening. So when she told me about her dad molesting her, I just put it into my WTF? bucket. I’ve been doing that all my life, apparently.

I have found her online. I saw a picture of her. She’s still beautiful. I get the feeling that she didn’t grow up normal – it would have been difficult. Maybe one day I will reach out to her. But here’s the crux: she wasn’t a very bright girl. I don’t think she will understand what a spath is. Despite, or because of, being raised by one. Nothing I say will make sense to her – I’m pretty sure. I don’t know what words I would use that would make sense to her.

What about something like,

“I remember your childhood was rough. I remember the doors to your bedroom being removed by your dad. I regret not being a better friend to you at the time. I didn’t understand what you were facing at the time. I do now. I hope you are okay”.

She might have forgotten she told you about the molestation. The doors could be a hint. Also, it’s possible that she has simply blocked the memory.

Athena,
you could be right that she might have blocked the memory.
I would have.

I never actually told her that I didn’t believe her. I think I probably, just looked at her and said, “Gross!” Then later I thought about it and decided she must be making it up because it’s not possible.

You know, I think people I talk to about what happened to me probably think I’m making it up too! Not necessarily because it’s soooo outrageous but because it’s GROSS and ICKY, just like what M told me. Knowing that people like this exist, makes us wish that they didn’t. So we keep a little hope in our hearts that there must be some other explanation.

Skylar
My oldest sister is retarded, my next is VERY VERY slow. Neither blocked or forgot their rapes. It affected their whole lives.

I wasn’t trying to make you do something that makes you uncomfortable, only that you wrote about it all these years later and YOU remember. So the decent thing to do is to give her now what you could not all those years ago, validation. And in return, you behave with honor, which should make you feel good about yourself.

Empathy, kindness, and being decent is NEVER wasted. Please don’t talk yourself into withholding such a gift from her, b/c what you ultimately withhold is a blessing to yourself.

Katydid –

Beautifully put. xx

I myself am about to hunt down a friend I broke off contact with 3 years ago. She was acting very peculiar at the time and seemed to have become hard and cruel about many things, whereas before (and I had known her about 25 years) she had always been soft and kind-hearted. When I tried to talk to her about the changes in her personality, out of concern, she rounded on me with false accusations that I could not cope with or handle at the time – so I just never spoke to her again.

I later found out that I was in the grip of PTSD – which is why I was overwhelmed by and unable to handle her outbursts; I couldn’t even look after ME back then. I had been diagnosed with a breast tumour and CFS just prior to the PTSD diagnosis, and I was being stalked by the Superspath who swore he would “finish me off” (his words). The CFS diagnosis was then altered to Fibromyalgia and I have simply been too ill ever since to track her down and try to work things out.

It is only now, looking back, after having spent the past 2 years researching PTSD and spathiness, that I have realised that she was likely also suffering PTSD. She had just come out of her second, abusive broken marriage and was extremely bitter and twisted; abuse will do that to a person. PTSD can alter aspects of your personality, including your spiritual beliefs and the morals you formerly lived by. It fits, now that I reflect upon it.

I plan to track her down shortly and try to make peace. Although she said some awful things to me, all of which were unwarranted and so difficult to bear at a time when I sorely needed her on my side, I think now that she was unable to be on anybody’s side but her own and was acting out of character because of this.

Time for me to write a long letter, methinks…

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