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By | December 18, 2007 76 Comments

Wishing you healing and joy in 2008

Another year is coming to an end. A new year will soon begin.

For some of us, 2007 was a year of awakening. Something happened, something clicked, which made us realize that we needed to take a stand for ourselves. A person who waltzed into our lives with promises of unending happiness was a pathological liar. He or she was driving a spike into our hearts, oblivious to the pain it caused. Perhaps even delighting in the pain.

For others of us, 2007 was another step on our journey toward healing. Maybe we learned that all we could do was accept that the sociopath will never change. Maybe we processed and released some of our emotional trauma. Maybe we realized, via Lovefraud, that we are not alone. Maybe we finally began to believe that we can recover.

Healing the wounds

Let me be clear on this: If you have escaped the sociopath alive, you can recover. It may take time. It may be difficult. But it is possible.

The most important recovery work is internal. The gash in our hearts, the deep emotional and spiritual wound, must be healed. In my opinion, in order to do it, we must allow ourselves to feel the pain. This is not pretty. I remember being crumbled in a heap in the hallway of my home, crying and wailing loudly, while my dog tried desperately to comfort me. It happened over and over, as layer after layer of the pain surfaced. But once the pain surfaces and is experienced, it can be released, never to return. Eventually the pain is gone, and the wound is healed.

In fact, not only the wound caused by the sociopath, but the wounds we carried before the sociopath can be healed. These are the heartaches and fears that made us vulnerable to the predator in the first place. As several Lovefraud readers have noted in their comments, if there is any value from the experience, it is that the encounter with the sociopath makes us look at ourselves and realize that we are far more than we thought we were.

Thank you all

A reader recently wondered if there were people who were reading the Lovefraud Blog without commenting. The answer is a resounding yes. Lovefraud averages 1,100 visitors every single day. Our web logs register more than 1 million hits per month. More than 700 people have sent e-mail to Lovefraud describing their encounters with a sociopath. Many, many people thank Lovefraud for finally explaining the insanity in their lives.

I am in awe of what Lovefraud has become.

I thank the Lovefraud authors—Dr. Liane Leedom, M.L. Gallagher, and our newest author, Dr. Steve Appel. I also thank the many, many readers who have contributed stories and posted such thoughtful comments. Sometimes, as I read your words, I am humbled by the depth of your insights and the strength of your caring. Thank you all so much.

Holiday break

The Lovefraud authors will be taking a two-week break for the holidays. We’ll be back to posting after the New Year.

Between now and then, you’ll see some modifications to the Lovefraud Blog— I’ll be adding more categories covering narrower topics. With 194 posts and 1,407 comments, the blog is rich in information. The new categories will help you find the information you need more quickly.

Happy holidays to all of you, and I wish you healing and joy in 2008.

Posted in: Donna Andersen

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phoenix

Dear Donna – how bout a catergory Specifically for the male victims of female Ps.
There may not be many of us, but we’re hear….and we need this too — i really thank God for this site.
you have helped me on many dark nights when i was being eatin alive by the memories and brainwashing – abuse that was done to my psyche…. after reading here, it just might be one event or expression from someone else…something that described my trauma and difficulty…and the deception and FOG was lifted (for however briefly)…and i could see it wasnt me…that i was emotionally and mentally Abducted.

thanks –
from Pheonix.
a.k.a. NRipped

apt/mgr

Not that I glory in your pain, but it’s good to know that men really aren’t all like the ones I’ve met. The fact that you are willing to share your pain, proves that you can feel. That is to your favor. I had no idea that so many people couldn’t empathize or played games. I thought something was so badly wrong with me, that I agonized for years wondering what I was doing wrong. As I read these stories and hear the pain, it is comforting to know we aren’t alone.

I truly thought if all the creature comforts were satisfied, what else was needed. I have given up trying to figure them out and am going to concentrate on me. It wasn’t an easy journey and there were so many dark days and nights. Laying awake and going over every conversation and wondering what I said or did that set them off or what I could have done differently. I became obsessive compulsive trying to please a man. Then he finally comes clean with the truth and calls it financial ruin, when we never had much to begin with. I will never understand how you can put a price tag on a child’s life or begrudge them their chance at life.

Then after he dealt me that blow, I met a man who was to be a friend, and he just wanted to use me. He took a broken heart and smashed it, and I just can’t comprehend how they can be so cruel. But I’ve found and have shared this view with others, it’s better to go through life being hurt than out hurting others. They have to live with themselves and we can process the hurt. Talking and writing are two great therapies. Finding someone who is willing to listen and share your pain, is a great comfort. Getting another perspective helps. Finding out that these people have really messed up heads and they just try and mess up ours to match theirs. I think they just want to rob us of our joy because they can’t feel real joy. They are really to be pitied and when you get to the place where you can feel sorry for them, you know you’ve come a long way.

When someone is loving you and hating you in same breath, leaves your mind in a quandary and all you do is second guess. I’ve had conversations with the ones in question and they go away, and I’m left wondering what we just talked about. I was messed with so badly, doing both parts, that I actually felt genderless for a long time. That’s why the “friend” made me feel like a real woman, but instead of helping me heal, he took all of that brokenness and ran with it. I poured out my hurt to him and he took major advantage of my despair. The restoration process takes time for a lot of us. I’m not one who can just get over something that I committed my heart to. I took the words that were given to me to heart, because I thought they were meant. Words are cheap and actions speak. What a lesson to learn.

I think I speak for all who write here, that you keep writing and someone will respond. It’s very cathartic. Once you can get it out of your head and heart, you don’t have to carry it around. A burden shared, is a burden halved. People really do care, no matter what was done to us. I keep saying, for me, I’m still alive. The scars are hidden, the damage is done, and now let the healing begin.

apt/mgr

Another thing I do, is rationally assess my situation of the emotional pain I’ve born, and put it all into perspective and know that the most of what I’ve had to deal with, can be. I don’t have an incurable disease. I’ve not lost a loved one as so many are facing. I might have lost my credit rating for the time being, but I didn’t lose my credibility. My character is still intact. I suffered internal pain, that I used for personal growth and didn’t let it take me down. I want to be stronger than the emotions that want to control me. I have no desire to control others, only what happens to me and I’ve learned that, through all my pain. As I read the news and hear about others problems, I realize that mine can be handled. I’ve gained the strength and independence and that’s what’s given me the desire to keep going on. I might be all I have now, but I’m the best I got. I’ve learned along the way, that we can’t change a person’s opinion. We can’t get into their heads and everything is about choice. I choose to not give someone the power to hurt me or anger me. I’ve read where whatever hurt and angers us, owns us. I want to release that and rise above the pain and disappointment and realize that I’m still here to say that.

alohatraveler

Dear Apt/mgr,

You sound like you are really moving through a lot of stuff. When I read all that you write, naturally, I see bits and pieces of my own story and my own process. I would say the pieces are more like moments. Lately, through the entries of others, little moments of my time with the Bad Man have suddenly made sense now. There are so many moments that I remember so clearly… where something was odd or not right… and I started to know on the inside that something was happening to me but I didn’t know what it was. I spent so many nights, just like you, going over conversations in my head, and so many days trying to be perfect and to bend and twist to his every whim but it was simply impossible. I remember saying, ” I am concentrating 100% of my being on trying to be the perfect girlfriend and I just can’t do it because the rules keep changing… and the rules never seem to apply to you.” His standard answer to things like that was, “I’m not going there!” The best was “you didn’t even apologize for everything (or the right thing)!” I would say, “Okay, what did I miss?” “I’m not going there.” ARGH!

Here was my favorite.. it was like Laurel and Hardy… “I take back that I took it back that I take it back!” Ummm, what?

I guess I have reached a place where I just laugh and see how absurd it was. I am sorry that I wasted time with this man. I wasted all my energy on a beautiful island being terrorized by that Bad Man. The moments I described above are comedy now when I look back but there were many more moments where his cruelty was out of this world and I was totally distraught. Somewhere in the first 6 months, I remember staring into the bathroom mirror and telling myself that I should just end it (end me) because I felt like I was a worthless, unloveable person. I let him convince me of that. I never thought I would let someone talk me into something like that.

This experience has taught me so much about life. For me, life has not turned out like I thought it would. And I will be honest, I am disappointed sometimes, very disappointed. For me now, life is about letting go of what I thought it was going to be and accepting what is before me. And it is also about placing all my bets on myself. I got it! A man is not going to bring me happiness. I finally got it!

Anyway, I think I have less to get over as my time with the Bad Man was just over a year. I got a crash course. I got a crash course on me.

I appreciate your contributions. I feel kinda lonely out here in Internet land on this “break.” :o) But what a treasure it has been to find a community of people that really get it. I felt so separate from people when I first moved back home from Maui. I was trying to sort out the worst trainwreck of my life and I wanted to feel understood. I wanted someone to understand what happened to me. I think feeling understood is a big part of being able to let go and move on.

I have a friend that had a similiar experience as me. One day we talked about how if you tell someone the whole story, they judge you and think you are pathetic and if you tell them just a little, they don’t get it and say stuff that makes you doubt yourself like, “It sounds like he was just a little insecure.” NO! THAT’S NOT IT!!!

At least here I can say the truth… or I can say nothing but just listen to the truth of others. Either way, I heal and heal and heal.

Aloha… E.R.

apt/mgr

Dear alohatraveler,
Like you, I feel so comforted to be able to finally share what went wrong and no one here judges me. We can tell each other’s story. As I was going through the most of my marriage, I, too, would look at myself in the mirror and ask God why He even allowed me to be born since I’m such an awful person. I never would have thought a man could almost ruin me and he did it in such a subtle way, that I didn’t see it coming. He wasn’t like that for the year and half we went together. He was the most solicitous and caring man ever. I just knew we were going to have a great life. The drastic change to him after we married, was monumental, but I figured it had to be something I was doing, because of his treatment of me. I had never been with anyone other than him and couldn’t make any comparisons, but didn’t think I had to.

The erosion that took place was almost my undoing. The only thing that kept me going was my commitment to my daughters and I wanted to see it through to the end, of which I figured was when they married and I could pass the mantle to their husbands. I had no idea what my husband was carrying in his heart for me. Even when I recall, I can still remember the feeling of hopelessness, but it doesn’t get me down. Anyone who says to just get over it, is one who doesn’t give a fig about another’s feelings and they probably do to others what has been done to us. It’s about the heart. I love with my heart and show it by what I do for others. I didn’t know it would get me into trouble. I at least now realize that he was the one with the problem.

And because of the way I was treated, it made me so vulnerable. That’s when this man who wanted to be friends, enters and that’s when another nightmare began. I really despise what they have done. God can deal with their souls, but I won’t give any of them the satisfaction of using me again.

As I reflect, I can see what I thought I missed, and like you, I felt that something wasn’t right, but I didn’t know what. And again, with this friend, he eroded me so badly that left me so messed up in my mind, and I didn’t know how to get out. I knew in my mind I was okay, but proving it was another. The things this man did, too, were so cruel in their own way. I wish he would have just slapped me than to have played the cruel games.

For instance, when I met him, he was selling insurance and it turned out he worked for the same company where I had mine. He became my agent, at his request. A sign. I was flattered. It turned out that we share the very same birthday, only he’s 2 years older. He again flatters me and I really didn’t fall for it, at that time. Something held me back. But the woman part of me was so starved, that I wanted to take what he was offering, but still hesitated. Anyway, he suggested since we share the same b-day, we could exchange cakes on that day. I was so amazed that a mere man could come up with this idea. He went on to ask what me favorite cake was. I told him burnt sugar and he said he knew the perfect place to get one. He said he didn’t really like cake but pie was his favorite and especially cherry. He wondered if I could bake pies. I told him that I was a great pie baker and I would bake him a cherry pie.

Along about this time I was experiencing horrible back problems. Sciatica so bad that I was sleeping on a mat on the floor. I was getting awful spasms in my back and down my leg that I could hardly tolerate it. The Friday before the b-day, I went to the hospital and they did an MRI. I was scheduled to see the dr. on Monday which was our b-day. But I wanted to keep my word to him about the pie, so I, as God is my witness, dragged myself off the floor that Sunday night and literally leaned on the counter to roll the pie dough to make his pie, so I wouldn’t let him down. I just knew he would show up with his part, and I couldn’t show up empty handed. It was important to me to do the woman to his man. Well I baked his pie, all the while suffering so badly. I even decorated it with gel icing and it looked so beautiful, even if I have to say so myself. I got a funny card to go with it and even got a pie box to present it.

The day of the b-day, I had to be at the dr’s and we were planning to meet around 1:00 to make our exchange. I found out from the dr. that I had a tumor in my back and it was on the sciatic nerve and that’s what was causing my problem. I thought of cancer right away, because that is what my dad died from. I agonized over it coming back from the doctor, but the one bright spot was sharing the day with my new, special friend.

He was on time, which was a shocker, but he came empty handed, except for some cheap card that he didn’t even sign. Another sign. That was in Feb. ’96. My daughters were shocked that he showed up empty handed and the one called him a cad. I kind of agreed, but I excused him. I was in too much pain to care at that point. But he knew about the tumor and he was rather distant about it. I thought that he could have shown some kind of something to indicate that he cared. Another sign, no empathy. But he wished me a happy b-day and left. He never called to see what was happening about the tumor. In that interval, I had surgery, it wasn’t cancer, thank God, but I never heard from him, although he still had my pie plate. I debated, and now wish I would have listened to me, about calling him for it. I broke down and called for the plate. I realize now that he most likely deliberately kept the plate as insurance that I would call for it. How I wish that I would have let well enough alone. Granted there were times when he was exciting and fun. I think now that they were rehearsed. I can see clearly now, what really was just an illusion. The miserable part to all of this is that I kept letting him back in for all these past years, thinking that I was just judging him the wrong way and I was the one with stinking thinking. It took so much for me to finally see just what he is all about. He is a seducer of women and he is good at what he does, I’ll grant him that. But I will never be that needy again, to allow a man to drag me down.

I am so damaged in my heart from the cruel treatment at the hands of someone who said I was special, that I doubt whether I can ever trust another man, as far as my sexuality and emotions are concerned. God has planted an independent spirit in me, and I am going to take care of me. I carried guilt for a time, until I had an aha moment and said they don’t feel any for the way they treated me, so why should I feel anything as far as they are concerned.

Finding this site has relieved the strain of my emotions considerably. It would be good to have face to face conversations, but this is the next best thing. I face myself everyday now and say, I am okay. I didn’t even realize that I am pretty, until other people pointed it out to me. I figured I must be dog ugly because of the way I’ve been treated. I have my esteem back and am ready to work on losing the weight that was my comfort and cover. I even figured if I stayed the 50-60 pounds overweight, they would leave me alone. Now I know I have what I need inside to keep myself from falling for lines again. I don’t need the foolish flattery. If someone resorts to lavishing us with words, it’s usually a cover for a hidden agenda. No thanks.

But it’s good to know that we are capable of healing and each day without the stress of the “loved one” is another day of healing and freedom. There is more than one way to be in a prison. And I am finally free.

eyesopened

Dear Donna

I’m one of your statistics. I’ve been a reader for quite awhile but rarely write.

I credit Lovefraud.com for my renewed sanity and am indebted to everyone who has contributed here – the authors and posters: men and women, targets and those who target.

I was searching for answers long before I found this site but nothing ever “clicked” or helped. I had never been to therapy and thought sociopaths were walking zombies or serial killers – certainly not someone I might run into and, if by chance I did, they’d be so frightening, I would recognize them and run. You can see how naive I was.

It’s only because of this site, and the well-considered and beautifully expressed words here, that I was able to make sense of the insensible, to turn my reality right-side up and to find my joy again.

Working through the recovery process was so intense that I’ll never be put in that position again and I was only able to do that because of Lovefraud.

You’ve given me – and all of us – a priceless gift. Thank you

Merry Christmas to you and all who have written here.

EnnLondon

Just been out so everything’s looking slightly hazy at the moment.
But the truth is I’m terrified of Christmas. The past two years I was with Him. The sociopath. And no matter how wrong I know that was, I keep thinking how I could have had him with me now, were things different (ie I’d had no self-respect).THANK GOD for this forum.
Anyone else on their own at Christmas?

apt/mgr

To eyesopened,
I, too was looking for answers. I couldn’t make myself believe these people could be human. The loving part, the part of them that seduced, was so exciting. How sad that it was just an act. How could someone who looked so good, smelled so good and was so sexy, be so deceiving and cunning? Such an illusion.

I, too, never had therapy. I did ask a few pastor friends what a certain behavior meant, and they gave me plenty of ideas and I quietly kept watch. The constant hot/cold and if the calendar called for it, compromise. But it was coming here that the light finally came on. I still can’t comprehend the why of their behavior and what they hope to attain by what they do. It just leaves so many of us in their dust, while they just go out and do it again. Part of me kind of envies the one they get in their sites, because I know what that’s like to have all that attention to begin with, but it’s what happens after that tells the total truth.

I sit here, alone, with my thoughts, remembering happier times with my children. Another holiday that should have had my husband and I reminiscing about our life and it ended several years ago, when he summed it up to financial ruin. How could he and so many, live and go through the motions without feeling? I thought he was feeling what I did, because he seemed to. It has to be as the experts say, that they are zombies. I heard two sermon, from two different ministers, speaking about the same thing. The title was “Dead Men Walking”. They went on to say how so many walk around feeling nothing. So it’s everywhere. I just didn’t think it would effect my life. I was going to do it differently. In fact my husband and I talked that before we got married.

Now that I’m on the other side, I keep thinking how I got here. I could go back to playing house, but I’m someone who has to have real. I’m so tired of pretense and I’d rather be alone than to pretend again. I had a pretend marriage and pretend friend. How shallow they are who can’t feel, only for themselves.

I, too, have vowed to myself that I will never walk that dark walk of despair again. In my job, I see so many women who are where I’ve been and I try and reach out to them, to explain to them how it can be different. Some get away, but others are so hooked and so dependent on their man, they don’t feel they have an escape plan. Been there. I thought what I got , I deserved. It’s taking me time to finally realize that I am free of that entrapment. I think my husband felt trapped, but in his misery he trapped the rest of us. It makes for a miserable marriage to be with someone who is angry constantly. But it’s the games they play, and it’s so good, at this site, to be able to vent and know that everyone else knows. We can commiserate together.

Merry Christmas everyone. May the New Year bring all of us the hope and joy we deserve.

apt/mgr

EnnLondon,
Aside from a daughter some distance away, I am alone,too. With my thoughts of more pleasant times. My other daughter is in another state, with a son in yet another, so I feel so alone. I have no family, other than 2 sisters, one of which no longer talks to me because she doesn’t believe I went through what I did.

I spent the most of my life raising my daughters, waiting for my husband to finally get it. He never did. He went through the motions with us, but he just wasn’t there. It’s come out by his actions, that he is lost in his past. When I backed away to see what he would do, he just created his life before me, 37 years ago. Now if that isn’t a blow to one’s ego, I don’t know what is. I think of all the holidays and how special I wanted them to be and just wanted our archives filled with lots of good memories.

I was just talking with my sister and we were wondering what they truly feel. Are they jealous because we can? How can they turn it on and off so easily?

I will be spending Christmas with my youngest daughter and her dad will be there, but we don’t relate in anyway. He didn’t involve himself in the holidays once the kids came. He was so angry all the time, and complained so much, and all I wanted to do was create traditions for the kids, to make the day exciting and special. How can they not feel that deep sense of belonging? In my case, my husband felt it with his family, but not with me, his wife, and daughters. So surreal.

I feel your pain and angst. You are not alone, even though no one is right there. We all want the tangible and to feel like we belong to someone. I don’t know that I ever had that. My mom died when I was 7 and my dad had his own agenda, and my other sister and I were raised by our older sister. I thought once I got married, I finally could belong. It ended up that I wasn’t wanted for me. For what I could do and provide, but not me. I had no place. Some days, I think what am I working for when I have no one to share it with, but I rationalize and realize that were I with someone, and they died, I’d have to go it alone. I had a friend who had someone tell her to live like a married widow. That’s kind of what I do. I quietly go about my days, doing what works for me. In light of the aftermath of the turmoil, I’d rather be alone with peace, than to be with someone who doesn’t want me for me.

I wish you the same kind of peace. I’m sorry for your plight, too. Celebrate you this Christmas. It’s not an easy doing, but each day will get easier as long as you focus on your healing. Merry Christmas to you and a very blessed and healed New Year.

eyesopened

Merry Christmas to you, too. Apt/Mgr.

I’ve gained comfort from your story, questions and insight and now that we are so much stronger and wiser, 2008 will be so much better than 2007 if only because we are better!!!

Freedom is such a relief.

apt/mgr

Amen to that. Freedom is what they feel, but we are allowed that same freedom. We just have to learn to guard our hearts so they don’t take the same kind of beating. I read somewhere, how we have to learn to give away a part of our heart, without giving it all away. God even says to not put our trust in man who will just let us down. I think we sometimes think this mere man is an answer for us, too. Maybe we set our expectations too high. For me, I just expected them to do what they said they would do. I’ve learned to take what they say with a grain of salt. They have the problem, not me. There is freedom in truth. Take care.

CellStemCell

what is the average IQ for psychopaths? can we filter them out that way? Do they have a below average IQ? (I wish….)

apt/mgr

I have to wonder too, how much IQ has to do with their behavior. I’ve Googled rational vs irrational, and there are lots of sites that compare and sum up these behaviors. I’ve been told that I’m a rational person. That could be good and bad, according to the comparisons. After reading these blogs and doing my own study and self analysis, I’m beginning to wonder. Although I do know, that I don’t go around hurting, manipulating, exploiting and seducing people. So that puts me into a different category from the ones who’ve done this to me. I choose to live in the moment but have long term goals. If that makes sense. To the ones I was involved with, that was conflict. And according to the articles I read, rational vs irrational behavior causes conflict within an intimate relationship. I think it’s all very confusing. I never thought so much detail would go into a relationship. I figured if I’m the woman and he’s the man, we each do our part and blend. What naive thinking! I was so far off the beaten path, that nothing I said or did made a difference. But it did to my children. And to other people. I love truth and even that is different to everyone. I always rationalized that what God could see when no one else could, was truth.

But I have a devout faith in Him, and that is what has governed my life. As far as IQ goes, the ones I’ve dealt with are fairly intelligent, but they have no reasoning skills. They are control freaks and can’t be reasoned with. How much does IQ determine one’s personality? Makes me wonder.

EnnLondon

Yes, Merry Christmas everyone.

I feel really quite lucky and grateful because though I’ll be on my own I don’t have to cope with family drama left behind by the sociopath. My parents (who really were the best, another reason to be grateful – how awful to not know that love) died some years ago and I have no siblings. I have lots of friends who I’ll be with in the days surrounding but on the day itself I’ll be sorting myself out. It might sound odd but I’m looking forward to it. No crisis, no drama. I just hope I can stop getting milliseconds of wishes that he was here. I loved buying presents for him.

The word people keep using is ‘healing’, but I feel it so much in here. It’s like balm isn’t it, this forum? What was it in particular about this place that made it all ‘click’ for us? It’s never just one isolated incident, is it?

apt/mgr

I know for me it was a combination of many things. I endured so many years of push/pull, being used for sex, but hating life outside of bed. So many mixed messages that weren’t there to begin with, that kept me guessing all the time. I felt so complete at the beginning, like we complimented each other. Plus compliments telling me that I was okay. I know one can’t keep that euphoric feeling of the newness forever, but it just shouldn’t quit. It really didn’t for me. I figured we have to be somewhere, why not be happy where we are and do it to the best of our ability.

The ones in my life who did so much damage to me, apologized, but it’s rather anti-climatic now. If one is truly sorry they won’t keep doing the same thing that causes so much hurt. Our words should edify and not destroy. My hope and desire for them has diminished to the point of non existence.

Even though the special days mean something to me, I couldn’t share that with any one but my children. They have loved me unconditionally. How does one get that from a mate? I was criticized and condemned so many times, that I really doubted my self worth. I was made to feel imperfect although my husband had said I thought I was perfect. Far from it. I did everything to the best of my ability because nothing I did ever seemed good enough for him. Compliments ceased once we married. Laughter, joy, peace etc., were reserved for the special days on the calendar. The days in between were torture.

I think this is a place of healing. I don’t want to go to my grave with so many unresolved issues in my life and coming here has helped me see these people in a new light. I see them for what they are to me. Maybe they are nice to others. I know they are. They reserved their meanness for me or else I brought it out in them. The nicer I was the meaner they got. First my husband, then this man who called himself a friend.

I’ve found no matter the story, the epilogue seems to be the same. We are left to put ourselves back together while they go off whistling the same song only to a different tune. The one they will use on their next “friend”. Let someone else endure the drama that comes after the lull.

EnnLondon

Hmm I know what you mean re ‘maybe they are nice to others’. They are but it’s ultimately pretty empty isn’t it? Also, my experience is that they have these friends they claim to ‘love’ but they tell you all sorts about them that I’m sure they don’t want shared with the world. Loyalty is non-existent with them. The ‘friends’ rarely find this out though.

Another weird one is the fact that their recklessness and lack of fear often makes them look completely heroic. My ex was always jumping right into the middle of public fights like some great do-gooder (without thought to the safety of himself and, of course, me). He looked like a great bloke but it was really all about being seen to be good, and the pursuit of adrenaline.

I’m really interested in what they feel like themselves. I understand they feel ‘pain’ and that their life expectancy is 15 years shorter, but what sort of pain is it, if they don’t feel love and empathy and betrayal and stuff like that?

apt/mgr

I’m always amazed at how so many, and you, are voicing my thoughts concerning these people. They want to protect others but the one they should. I kept waiting for my husband’s loyalty, but he gave it to everyone but me. How can that be? How can they be receiving all the creature comforts, but yet feel nothing and dismiss the one they are with in favor of another? I am constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop, because it was about the element of surprise.

This “friend” would say and do things to get a reaction, but I never knew how to react. If I just had a handle on how their mind works, I wouldn’t have this wondering. What do they feel when they hear about a disaster? I guess we can why it all to death. Sometimes I get more angry with myself for not following my instincts.

I do wonder what their main motivating factor is. Do they feel inadequate and embellish to make themselves look bigger and better? I know for the ones in my life, there wasn’t much humbleness there. Lots of false pride.

I’ve wondered too about the pain. My sister and I were just talking about that. I said I had gotten a few barbs in to my friend and if he hurts, I say so what. I have to doubt it though. I’ve said they don’t feel pain. They cause it. I guess, according to what we read here, I wasn’t too far off my mark. For years I’ve carried these thoughts with me, trying to figure it out, and here it is in print. Sure eases my mind, to know I wasn’t just imagining everything. My friend would tell me I’m paranoid, when it’s him. He says I imagine the happenings and I tell him I don’t imagine truth and the facts, and they speak for them self. Of course when lies are in the forefront, who needs facts and truth. So frustrating.

But with total truth comes peace. I’d rather be alone with peace than to be with someone who doesn’t want to be there and makes their unrest known in their treatment. I guess there’s that little part of me that would have liked to have my day in court, just to prove that it was him and not me. I just have to suck it up and move on, with me, myself and I.

Beverly

A Peaceful Christmas to you all!

There is something in me, that says that we had a really skewed dynamic. He was acting like a child. I have neighbours whose children are irritating, if you say something to them, they disappear harbouring revenge and then a week or so later, they do something nasty – leave a calling card to even up the score. Through my ex’s abusive life, that is what I think he learned to do, never to voice his opinion or annoyance at the time – he never showed emotion. He was highly controlled, saw expression as a weakness, never apologised for anything or ever got angry with me – just acted it out. I learned alot about passive anger, realising that I had suffered it before. My emotional range is varied, his on one line, so to speak. But also at times, he seemed to bring out the little girl in me, he felt so familiar like my father. Even though I finished with him 4 months ago, I am still absorbed in the aftermath of it all, like no other relationship I have had. The echoes of the abuse remain like hauntings. In me logical head, he was no good for me – genuine good men dont treat you like that. My heart is recalling a different script. I have got to know myself better because of it.

apt/mgr

I find that I have flash backs when someone else is describing their happening and it’s like I’m reliving it. It’s not that my life was so horrible, but it’s that I was handed a pack of lies and lots of anger issues. Lots of double standards, that apparently came from their background, to be passed on to me. I think the part that gets me the most is the denial. To say and do something, then when confronted, deny their part.

My friend sent me a text message last evening telling me that he prayed for me yesterday that God would give me peace. He can’t see that he was one of the main characters in my life that destroyed my peace by how he treated me. How can they be so oblivious to the obvious? I guess what it all comes down to is that I want real and they don’t know how to do it. They think they are, but to form an allegiance with someone, to them, means to control. They just don’t get it, but because all I am is a woman, I shouldn’t have any say in my own life. No wonder I rebel.

It’s like the most of them think if they aren’t physically abusing us, they aren’t doing anything. There are many forms of abuse that aren’t mentioned much. They just pass on to us what they learned and if confronted, we are given the option of just leaving. I guess having a mate really isn’t that important to them. We live in a time where there are too many options available and so many couldn’t care less if they work on the relationship or not. They can’t commit to a job or even a lease on an apartment, how will they commit to a fellow human being? They won’t change until they run out of options and I don’t see that happening. There are too many of us running around for them to continue the pattern.

See the animal in his cage that you built,
Are you sure what side you’re on?
Better not look him too closely in the eye,
Are you sure what side of the glass you are on?
See the safety of the life you have built,
Everything where it belongs
Feel the hollowness inside of your heart,
And it’s all… right where it belongs

What if everything around you,
Isn’t quite as it seems?
What if all the world you think you know,
Is an elaborate dream?
And if you look at your reflection,
Is it all you want it to be?
What if you could look right through the cracks,
Would you find yourself… find yourself afraid to see?

What if all the world’s inside of your head?
Just creations of your own
Your devils and your gods all the living and the dead
And you’re really all alone
You can live in this illusion,
You can choose to believe.
You keep looking but you can’t find the woods,
While you’re hiding in the trees

What if everything around you,
Isn’t quite as it seems?
What if all the world you used to know,
Is an elaborate dream?
And if you look at your reflection,
Is that all you want to be?
What if you could look right through the cracks,
Would you find yourself… find yourself afraid to see?

Happy holidays, all. And remember – Always question. (and remember, look under the fridge. Last time I cleaned under the fridge, I found at least a dozen dna samples.)

SecretMonster

eyesopened

SecretMonster

Thank you for this revealing and well-expressed peek into what must be a very lonely, scary and desperate place.

Although I’ve now learned not to feel sorry for men (thank you, Apt/Mgr), this glimpse helps me better understand the mental world in which you and others have chosen to live. I appreciate it.

Merry Christmas.

backtoreality

Thank you for all your comments! I posted my first blog earlier on Dr. Steve’s blog and it was quite lengthy. I recognize some of your names from that blog so I will not bore you with my story again.

Let me just say that this is my 1st Xmas in 30 yrs wo/my sociopath. Even though I HATE him and what he is…I’ve been very depressed today. I’m afraid I’m hurting my 16 yr old son w/my sadness. Most of the time I accept his sociopathy and I can let go of my pain and anger and trust God to take care of him. Today however, my anger level is HIGH!

I am a very grateful member of Alanon and have been for several years. Accepting alcoholism/addition (an illness) is quite different – but the same – as sociopathy. I thought sociopaths were killers. I now realize they are ALL killers but, using different methods. As his methods grew in atrocities, my denial grew along with it. I have learned during the 8 months of separation that the walls of denial are peeling away like the layers of onion peel. As each layer peels, the pain is exposed and must be dealt with.

In addition to working the Alanon program I am also in therapy. What I would like to know from you folks is how long does this process take? My feelings come on like the waves in the ocean. Sometimes I am softly rolling away enjoying my freedom, feeling grateful, grateful I am not living that way any more, grateful he has someone else, and then it’s like a hurricane – Catagory 10!

I must admit though that I enjoy many more good days than bad ones. I can relate to apt/mgr when you share about a “friend” who turned out to be the same.

I met a man who was very flattering and I felt so special. Even though I knew this was not a long term relationship nor did I want it to be…I recognized that he was VERY different from my EX BUT, I had many of the same feelings of confusion with him. One day he was calling me almost obsessively claiming that he could not wait to be with me and then …no more phone calls/emails! What a dose of reality!!! I later learned in my research of sociopath that there is a diference in a sincere compliment and flattery. I also learned about the 3 strikes rule. Once a broken promise may be an error, 2nd time questionable BUT the 3rd time…RUN!

I too know of the dark days of laying in the floor and just crying. In my case, I would close my bedroom door, go into my closet and close the door, and just cry, cry & cry. I was trying to protect my son but I believe he is smarter than that. If I am grateful for anything in this ILLUSION of a 29 year marriage, it is that I have my son and my sociopath ex is too self centered to want to be with him for more than a couple hours a week. Neither of us knows where he lives and I believe I am better off NOT knowing.

Please continue to share your experience, strength, & hope for recovery!
Thank you all and MERRY CHRISTMAS!

apt/mgr

Merry Christmas,
A very bittersweet day, today. I remember happier times. I’m happy for my children’s sake, but I can’t help but wonder why it escaped me. I think I tried too hard because of my situation of trying to please someone whose receivers were blocked. Granted, I’m much better now, but if I stop and recall, I am saddened. I try so hard to not recall. I hear the pain in the words that are written here, and I’m transported back to those times.

I’m a traditionalist and just wanted to make memories for the kids over the years. I did, I guess, but thought I was making some for me as well. I realize now that my husband wasn’t there. Hearing the reasons why, now make sense of my past, but it doesn’t just make it go away. I’m a realist and know I can’t live in the past, but I like to reminisce. I really think, knowing what I know now, that my husband was jealous of me. But I no longer buy any guilt. It’s all his problems. His concept of a wife was so different from my concept of husband and family. He’s someone who can see the problems in someone else but not himself.

After 31 years of marriage, I finally got the truth of his anger towards me. I realize too there has to be more than financial ruin, because he was angry with our youngest. Whatever. I keep trying to totally resolve it, but no matter how I slice it, I come out on the shorter end. He refuses to acknowledge his part. I wrote him a letter describing our life trying to jostle something in his mind and getting him to see how we lived. His comment was, I don’t know where you came up with half that stuff. You must have convinced yourself. I finally gave up. We are just waiting for God to remove all obstacles and sell the house and he can have his life back. He has mellowed, but that’s for his sake and not mine. He has damaged my receivers because basically all he wanted me for over the years was sex. He could turn his anger on and off for those occasions. (clap on, clap off!!) I have such a dismal outlook as far as man/woman relationships are concerned that I really don’t think I want to try again.

After this so called friend did his weird with me, he kind of ruined me, too. I have been an observer of people and even the men who call themselves devout, will fall and even they don’t have what it takes to stay sincere. But I have freedom and don’t have to be at their mercy. We are allowed freedom, contrary to what they might think.

I’m tired of crying tears over someone who doesn’t deserve them. I wasted so much of my time and the best years of my life trying to promote love and family, that I just don’t care anymore. I will do what works for me and likewise. I wasn’t created to be used of a man as his object of lust and abuse. I would rather curl up with a good book and cup of tea than with someone who just wants to tolerate me for his use. Merry Christmas to me. Ha Ha Ha!!

Actually I’m not bitter. Just deeply saddened by the events. I know my husband is capable of some kind of feeling, but for some reason, he gave it to everyone else but me. I got it when he wanted to use me for sex, so for me, he only related to me on a sexual basis and nothing more. I can’t get over the feeling of being used. Same way with this friend. He knew I fell for him because of the state of my own life, but he used all my brokenness for his advantage. I’ve learned, though from him. He gave me enough attitude to get through the rest of my life. I can forgive them, but I sure don’t excuse them. If the can treat others fine, why not me? I guess I resent them for that, but that too shall pass. I just don’t have to go there again.

As I pass each day, month, year, it does get better. The past is just that. Past. Gone. Never to return. But if we don’t remember we will repeat and I sure don’t want to do that. This site has surely brought so many things in the open. We don’t have to take the abuse anymore. The first time, maybe. But I’m to the place now. that I won’t even take the first. If they start out like that chances are they will continue and only get worse. I’m too old for any more. My good years are used up and now I just have to take care of me and hope to make it to retirement age. They’ve made themselves dispensible and just pushed me to independence. Merry Christmas to them!!

apt/mgr

To SecretMonster
I would like to give you credit for being willing to open yourself to scrutiny by revealing your inner workings. I don’t know many who will. They don’t give reasons for their behavior, only excuses. There is no excuse for taking their own insecurities and malfunctioning out on someone who wants to love them and return the love they proclaimed.

I never thought doing the life process would turn into such a work with little or no rewards. A very thankless task giving to someone who doesn’t want what I have to give, but wants to take from me what they don’t have. They can take a joyfilled moment and turn it into a nightmare. There shouldn’t be so much conflict, but when the conflict is inside, it usually works it’s way into the situation.

Due to the number of sites now that are devoted to the disorders, I would say there are a lot of people are who just plain sick and tired of dealing with these kinds. When one keeps driving people away, doesn’t that make for a time of soul searching to determine the why?

I guess I don’t really want to delve too deep for fear of falling into that abyss that is their mind. I’ve seen glimpses and it’s rather scary. The ones I know laugh at the wrong times. They don’t experience natural emotions. But in may case, they seem to, with others. Again in my case, the bulk of the weird behavior started at the onset of sex. I attributed their odd behavior on their sex drive and what is going on in their mind. But even that doesn’t matter anymore. I have my children, and I don’t care what society dictates. I don’t have to avail myself of a man to be loved and accepted. I’ve learned to accept myself, scars and all, and if they can’t, oh well. I have chosen to walk more closely to God since I want to spend my eternity with Him and He can sort out all the personality disordered in His way. I don’t do to them what they do to me, so it’s their problem.

But tell us more, SecretMonster. Let us see what it really is like. At least you will talk.

Re: Secret Monster
Secret Monster has posted the lyrics of a Nine Inch Nails tune called ‘Right where it belongs’…you can check it out on You Tube.

SecretMonster, I’m going to choose to assume you can actually relate to the song, one of many good but dark tunes of Nine Inch Nails.
Yes, we should all question our existance, our perceptions, our fears. And, yes, what a lonely place to be in with no ability to feel what the majority of us humans can. You did not choose your deficits just as we did not choose our abilities. Knowing what you know however, brings you to the sum of CHOICE. You know you can make better choices. That ultimate desire to belong (“if you’re not afraid to see”) can only befall with the choices you make. This is how we do it, yes granted it is easier with the ability to have selfless thoughts, but one thing we do have in common is imagination.

Merry Christmas Secret Monster…oh..and..FYI…our under fridges are cleaned regularly…may not be as messy for you if you did the same. All about choices…

Er.. I apologize for not appropriately crediting that song, it wasn’t my intention to make it seem as if I had written it, it was near 3 am for me… It is indeed a fine little diddy.

Apt/mgr – This isn’t my sounding board, it’s yours. I’m not interested in stealing spotlights. I keep a public blog, but I wouldn’t want to post the link without Dr. Leedom’s permission.

Regarding the fridge – I blame my cleaning staff. Oh and that women shed too much. I mean seriously, what the hell?

SecretMonster

eyesopened

Apt/mgr…if you really want him to tell more…here’s his blog:
http://brokeninme.blogspot.com/2007_12_09_archive.html

If the link doesn’t work, just google “secret monster.”

apt/mgr

Went there and found someone I meet most everyday. I guess it just proves a leopard can’t change his spots. The word needs to be gotten out to save a lot of unsuspecting people from the likes of him. He’s not unique nor are any of his counterparts. They really aren’t worth wasting time and tears on. They need to be saved for someone who is worthy. Doesn’t pay to grieve someone who doesn’t exist, only in their mind. Sad imitation of a human being. I think we who are here, at least have the satisfaction of escaping, older and wiser, and prepared. Or at least will be. We can share our story, compare notes, and guard our hearts. We might let someone get to first base, maybe score a hit or two, but won’t win the series, if the red flags become evident. I speak for myself, but I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. And I realize now that I wasn’t wrong the whole time, I was suspecting something was really rotten and it was.

apt/mgr

eyesopened
Thank you. I naively thought secretmonster was for real. I guess he thinks he is. He needs to stay under his fridge. I should have known better. I guess I still have lots of learning to do. But as long as he keeps blogging, we can see so many through him. So much evil behind a human mask. A real man doesn’t need adoration. He will receive it because he is deserving and not expecting.

I look forward to the new year with expectations of only me. And will keep looking for new ways to block the wiles of the sociopath. Someday he, too, will face himself and he’ll not like himself any better than we do. I’d much rather be a challenge than to be challenged. Too boring.

phoenix

Please keep me in your prayers – doing grief work and coming out of denial is not easy, and has its price.
Ive been in NC with my mother (who seems to exhibit all the traits of my exN…whom i was in a 5 year relationship, that left me with PTSD)…and I had taken her ‘bait’ to help me (i shouldve known better, but WANTED TO BELIEVE IN MY MOTHER…well….i cant live in denial anymore)
she has cut me off – I have been abandoned by my own mother – I’m RELIVING WHAT HAPPENED WITH THE EXN…but now, its my own @#$%^ mother….
pray for me – thank you for being here – i hope to one day be independant and FREE of her hold….
now, i feel like ive been set adrift – unwanted, unloved by my OWN family.
Dear God, please provide help and a job, please help me.
Please forgive me. im not perfect..i just wanna live.
Phoenix

For real? A real… what?

apt/mgr

I guess if you have to ask, you aren’t. You’ll just have to stick with your own kind. You know, like birds of a feather, etc. You understand each other and so do we. You can’t explain real to someone who isn’t.

Apt/mgr, good answer. These people have monopolized enough of our time, thoughts and hearts. These people have insatiable appetites for our kind simply for entertainment or as he says “I dive into peoples hearts for sport”. They use our ability to feel as a weapon against us.

I’m sure there are all kinds on this site but the majority of us are wiser and healing and now, thanks to them, have a highly developed nose to sniff out frauds. They’ll get bored soon enough.

This site has been the best tool for healing and I thank everyone for sharing their horrific stories. Our stories are pretty much all the same (which is very creepy) give or take a few details and although we are all at various healing stages, I am fully confident we will all get there.

I wish you all patience, strength and healing for 2008.

apt/mgr

I think from reading these blogs, we all probably share the same opinion of these “dear”ones. The are so very shallow even though they want to appear intelligent. In their case, a little bit of knowledge is a dangerous thing. Their talk is filled with vain repetitions, so ho hum boring. They might be exciting to begin with and that’s how they hook us, but once we finally see them for what they are, we realize there really isn’t anything there. They are shallow, but yet they are a deep pit of nothingness. Everything about them is contradictory. So we’ve learned to take them with a grain of salt. And for me, I’ve learned to not take anything personally. They are carbon copies of each other. Not an original by any means. I say it must suck to be them. And to think there was a time when their opinion mattered.

Thank you Donna, Dr. Leedom, Dr. Steve and all the others for confirming what we suspected, but for being able to make sense of the insanity. We all can’t be wrong. There really is an evil presence at work and we need to be aware. No more surprises. We need to deceive the deceiver by being able to stay one step ahead of him/her. I’ve learned if they mention sex or money at the start of the relationship, I shut down. Very superficial kind of person and full of themselves. They are so much in love with themself and if we don’t love them like they do, we will pay. No more.

eyesopened

Donna:

Would it possible to have a place where the latest comments – even those written now but on older posts – could be viewed? Like a running-comment post? Or maybe they could be emailed as they come in to those on your list?

This would accommodate those comments made on older/archive posts by new readers. As it is, I’m sure I’ve missed some comments written since I’ve read the archived posts and it would be a shame not to respond to someone who’s written or simply read their thoughts.

Thank you, again

Beverly

I recognise in myself that I feel different at different times about my experiences. Sometimes I feel tall, that I have grown beyond it all, sometimes I am submerged back into the pain of it all. Sometimes I am even thankful for the experience and wisdom I have gained because of it. I dont know whether I will be truly free of the memories of it. I recognise that in order to grow, I had to be with someone where their pendulum was operating at one extreme to trigger my co-dependant behaviour – for me to see who I truly was. I can then go forward to choose the way of real love, starting with myself, and I wont need those painful lessons any more.

EnnLondon

Re the site: I think Donna suggested changes in the New Year that would enable us to see info on here more clearly. It would be great if that did involve post updates.

Re Secret Monster: I think the blog is really interesting – it has given me yet further insight into what goes on in the mind of a sociopath, however spooky that is! I think this sort of ‘honesty’ (though not to the person who could most do with it, ie the wife) is the best we can get from the sociopath. It’s certainly helped me (seeing the whole strategy of wanting people to feel they shouldn’t let go completely and may feel a bit of guilt about the relationship that makes them susceptible to being drawn back in) deal with stuff.

Otherwise though, what have they got to gain from being ‘honest’? If you don’t feel love or real connections with people throughout your life, what have you got to gain from coming clean about things not actually meaning very much to you? Where’s the motivation in it? We can say they know ‘right’ from ‘wrong’, but if they don’t know the real feeling of the pain of (eg) betrayal, then that’s a pretty meaningless concept to get across isn’t it?

Beverly

Im going to risk this one. I may be off my head at this point. I may be in big denial, unable to accept the harshness of the situation. But in amongst all that glass, there is a knowing. They chose the best people. Like appt/Mgr. I have gone round the same circles – how could they, why did they? I shared my spiritual side with him – I wish I could take it back. Maybe I am scraping the bottom of the barrel. Maybe in that intense pain is the love we seek – for ourselves. Why get involved with the extreme – if only to learn to counterpoint? Bring me back to balance.

Beverly

I have shared some of this stuff with my friends, but they dont understand. They have never come across it. When i say, that he had to say NO before he could say YES, its like I am talking in riddles – talking in a foreign language. Its part of the dysfunction, its not smooth, its intense and gripping. Its not the relationship I wanted. I got sidetracked, taken away from my purpose, my plans, where did he come from? But there was a knowing in me. He didnt get it all his way. I sat back, knowing that he would dig his pit and fall into it. I waited – he said he was the ‘watcher’ and I am too, I watched and waited for him to fall. He said ‘I let us both down’, no, ‘he let us both down – I just allowed him the rope’.

apt/mgr

I think for me, I’m actually harshest with myself for being taken in. I thought I had reinforced my heart against all the happenings. Nothing prepared me for the anger that came from my husband. After he had almost broken my spirit, I met the friend. Nothing prepared me for that encounter. I’ve been so naive in my thinking that I didn’t know men (as in my case) could be so cold and calculating. I, too, have shared this experience with others and I just get that look, like I’m the stupid one for being taken in. Had it just come to me at the beginning, I think I could have been aware.

But knowing that every move is calculated for their pleasure, is what caught me unawares. I was always on the alert for those who physically looked psychotic but being taken by someone who was a businessman and had standing, so I thought, was almost my undoing. But they eventually bring about their own demise. Psalm 91:8 says to watch the reward of the wicked. But I don’t want to be part of it. I will continue to march to my inner beat. Now that I know I wasn’t imagining it all and these kind really do exist all over, I can go on. There’s a song that says, I will go on, my past I leave behind me. I want to process the past and close it away. Sort out the good from the bad and remember that.

Actually, I’m finding that I have to stop and remember that I forgot to think about it! I would say that’s a good sign. It took time. I wanted to make my time count and I think that’s why it hurt so deeply. I have this sense of responsibility that wants to finish what I start. These “special ones” stop right in the middle and leave us holding the bag, while they go off whistling to do what works for them.

As I review, I think I wanted the relationship or the idea of it, more than the person. So maybe that’s what they wanted to. Although I would give my all to whatever I was doing. I guess I just have to suck it up and call it experience and know I came out better than I did going in.

eyesopened

I was glad that Secret Monster made an appearance here; it was a brief diversion but I didn’t find him particularly enlightening or honest, either here or on his blog. Transparent, maybe, but I don’t expect honesty from a liar and sociopaths are liars.

There’s a riddle about trusting a liar. It’s something like “if I say I AM a liar, do you believe that I’m a liar or because I’m a liar, do you not believe what I just said and, thus, believe I am NOT a liar.”

Secret Monster allowed me to see a little bit more into the chaotic and plotting mind of a Sociopath, one I couldn’t understand at the time I was dealing with it.

Truthfully, though, I’ve gleaned more informed insight from the stories told by the targets here on Lovefraud posts (theyre the honest ones) than he could have. He just presents confusion.

His is an hostile and confused world complicated by denial. On his blog he boldly identifies himself as a Sociopath and his behaviors track that, but, here on Lovefraud, he insists he’s cured. It’s this internal chaos that allows him to continually perpetuate damage upon himself and those who orbit around him without remorse.

In the end, it really is a limited picture. In my opinion, he’s just another garden-variety socio; he doesn’t reveal anything new.

What would have have made Secret Monster really special is if he was actively seeking to change.

apt/mgr

To eyesopened,
You opened my eyes to secretmonster. I thought he was one who was trying to change.He’s just on here to taunt and laugh up his sleeve at those of us who are like the ones he’s duped. I guess he’s to be pitied because he isn’t real and doesn’t know how to be. He’s not unique. Or an original. He’s the norm of the abnorm. Someday they will all be humbled and come face to face with the reality of who they really are. I think, though, we give them too much credit. We should just consider the source and be glad we escaped. They will eventually be too old to do anything, and they will be left alone with only their own company. Glad it’s them and not me. But my pity doesn’t go to him or his cohorts. It’s goes to the ones who have the miserable fortune to be in their company. Oh to be able to warn them all.

Beverly

I took on someone who had nothing much to give, but himself and a painful life, and even then, he took that away. At the beginning, I looked at him and thought, ‘he has nothing, but a dark life’ – why wouldnt he want to be with me in the light – in my technicolour world. I felt assured that what he said was real, that he would want to be with me till the end. How hurtful to think, that he was playing a game, that he was tailoring himself to me, to exploit me. I suspected him, but I didnt want to, could not believe what I suspected. What a shock to find out at the end, that not only my worst fears were true, but even worse, that he was sinister and plotting in his plan – trying to fix me. Sometimes I feel broken and stupid that I could be so naive. How he must have got a smug payback at the ways he manipulated and hurt me. I still miss him at times. May be I miss the fantasy of what I constructed him to be and what I thought our lives would be. After 4 months I still hurt, and I wish the hurting would go away, for someone who gave so little back, I know he is not worth the effort. I said to my daughter that he has got away with it, she said he has lost me. But he has found another person to fix upon, so why would he even give me a thought.

Beverly

My ex will probably be in the critical phase of his new relationship. He will have carefully chosen his next one, by now, he will have probably charmed her and made his presence felt. He will probably now be in manipulation mode, wondering how to manover his way round this relationship. What he did with me was to demand that I accepted him as he is – without any wavering. How can you accept someone you dont know, who keeps so hidden or who you dont understand!? He will probably have thrown some odd behaviours into the scenery to stamp his mark. He will have weighed up her personality and background – His critical phase is to win her over without her sensing that he has a FLAW.

eyesopened

Apt/mgr and Beverly

You both mention something important to me.

I’ve heard that sociopaths can’t help themselves. They’re just born that way.

But the sociopath I experienced definitely calculated his moves and made conscious decisions beforehand. I watched him mull a choice over; who knows what he was thinking. I doubt it was consequences; he never seemed to face any.

Invariably, he chose the option that would benefit him. If it hurt someone else in the process, “too bad”….or maybe “even better.”

I believe the one I knew understood intellectually whether something was right or wrong, but did what he wanted anyway.

His therapist had encouraged him to listen to his “feelings” which I think is only part of the equation…and part of the problem especially when you have the faulty feelings of a sociopath.

Choosing right over wrong is the better part and that never came up. After all, feelings are transitory and not necessarily based on any morals. Not so with right and wrong.

Thanks for your thoughts. They helped to confirmed mine.

eyesopened

Apt/mgr

Do you know who else he mocks? One of his own kind!

He apparently thinks he’s vastly superior to the socio whose target posted here that the socio she knew wanted to name their child after the child of the woman with whom he was cheating.

Secret Monster seems positively disgusted to be associated in any way with that man.

It must be very wearying to be the only worthwhile being in his universe.

Beverly

He used to say he had voices in his head. He used to say alot of strange things, which I now finally understand. when I first met him, he said he was a cold hearted b….d. But I didnt know what that really meant. He ‘knew’ he was living a kind of isolated hell. He said his upbringing had ruined his life, he didnt fit in with others, lives a squalid black and white life, working nights almost like a vampire. What was sad was that he felt no goodness for himself or his life, only self preservation. He wasnt even bothered about his death, he has no depth, just wants to act out his pain, but refuses point blank to get help. I wonder how much he knows about his FLAW. He is poisoned and feels rage at the world, he wants others to feel his pain, but he doesnt want to work on it and own it for himself. I realised that my father was narcissistic too and that explains alot about my early life with the first man in my life who was emotionally unavailable.

apt/mgr

Beverly,
You could be talking about my friend. He offered me his friendship for life and I thought that was so endearing. Little did I know that his life was one heaped with secrets. I kept unfolding one after the other. I guess I had a mean streak, because I would confront him with what I’d find out. He would be livid and tell me I had no right snooping. I informed him, this is still a free country and any information I found, was public knowledge. And if he had nothing to hide, he wouldn’t care what I found. He said he could do that to me. I gave him carte blanch. I said have at it.

But he would get upset and said I have to accept him just as he is. I would counter that with, I don’t know who you are. I’ve had lots of people paint a picture of him. Their concept of him is different from the one I have. I guess just the fact alone, that all his other women got out and all of them filed for divorce, tells me that he can’t keep a woman. He knows how to catch them, but after that he’s lost. They have perfected their seductive skills because that is a turn on for them, but after the newness wears off, they are off trolling. I guess they don’t know how to do an exclusive but I kind of think they want that for themselves. What convoluted thinking! How do we know? What they say isn’t what they mean. I have reasoned that someone who doesn’t like questions has a lot to hide.

When they bring nothing to the relationship, they can walk away and never look back. I was too needy to begin with and that’s why I couldn’t see through. I have vowed to myself to never be that needy again and if I am, I will contact my pastor for counseling rather than spill my guts to a mere man who has a hidden agenda. I will keep my secrets, too.

apt/mgr

I always believed as people aged they matured. How sad to live in world of arrested development where one is always the immature one. Not child like, but childish. I always said that Old King Cole had nothing on me. I was a merry old soul for many years of my life and that’s probably why I can’t relate to these men. The ones I know don’t understand the aging process and that’s most likely because of how their brain is working. Makes one wonder how they made it this far and no one took them out. I guess they just haven’t met a violent one.

It has to be more that Mars vs Venus, too. I can’t think that just because we are of different gender, there should be so much difference in the basic principles of life. The friend of mine says I question his integrity and I ask how he could have any when he has flitted from one woman to another and manipulates and exploits. I realize that anyone is capable of being redeemed, but only if they understand their need of it. They have to ask for redemption and if they don’t, they just keep doing what they are doing.

I wonder if they feel real loneliness and grief or if that is feigned, too. Do they just act on their body’s functions and go according to what is driving them at the moment? I guess we are too deep for them. My standards are very high, but I don’t intend to lower them for their sake. I did that, and it got me nowhere, but in a whirlpool of their making. I’m out and don’t want to go there again. My mind is cleared and my thinking is calmed. I’m on to them. And here we can compare notes and really stay steps ahead of them. As I said, they aren’t unique. They just smell differently!!

Beverly

Eyesopened. I knew the parameters of his behaviour at the start, but I didnt understand the whole picture till now. My ex too, spending alot of time alone, had alot of time to mull over his next moves, he must have plotted and excused himself for his behaviour, he set it all up, so he could blame me, when I reacted to his turbulence. I tried to get him to stop running for the hills and planning his counter moves – I asked him to talk to me and reveal how he felt – but he didnt want to. He couldnt risk feeling vulnerable, saying all women are manipulators, he hates children and says all blond women are predators. These are only some of layers of hate he is sitting on and in the centre of it all he hates himself. At brief times he is in touch with it, when he wants to repel the feeling, he rises above his self hatred into his arrogant know all behaviour – just like my father, who never respected anyone. My ex doesnt respect anyone, he knows that some people are nice, some you just dont cross. His world of arrogance, like my fathers is pinned on one person, that illusive female he is looking for who will accept him lock stock and barrel – with the promise that he might reveal himself. My father married three times, to suffering women, and they lived a closed life. He has nothing but pain and weakness to reveal and that is what is walled in by his tough rigid attitude. It was no mistake, that I called him a manipulating coward.

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