Wishing you healing and joy in 2008

Another year is coming to an end. A new year will soon begin.

For some of us, 2007 was a year of awakening. Something happened, something clicked, which made us realize that we needed to take a stand for ourselves. A person who waltzed into our lives with promises of unending happiness was a pathological liar. He or she was driving a spike into our hearts, oblivious to the pain it caused. Perhaps even delighting in the pain.

For others of us, 2007 was another step on our journey toward healing. Maybe we learned that all we could do was accept that the sociopath will never change. Maybe we processed and released some of our emotional trauma. Maybe we realized, via Lovefraud, that we are not alone. Maybe we finally began to believe that we can recover.

Healing the wounds

Let me be clear on this: If you have escaped the sociopath alive, you can recover. It may take time. It may be difficult. But it is possible.

The most important recovery work is internal. The gash in our hearts, the deep emotional and spiritual wound, must be healed. In my opinion, in order to do it, we must allow ourselves to feel the pain. This is not pretty. I remember being crumbled in a heap in the hallway of my home, crying and wailing loudly, while my dog tried desperately to comfort me. It happened over and over, as layer after layer of the pain surfaced. But once the pain surfaces and is experienced, it can be released, never to return. Eventually the pain is gone, and the wound is healed.

In fact, not only the wound caused by the sociopath, but the wounds we carried before the sociopath can be healed. These are the heartaches and fears that made us vulnerable to the predator in the first place. As several Lovefraud readers have noted in their comments, if there is any value from the experience, it is that the encounter with the sociopath makes us look at ourselves and realize that we are far more than we thought we were.

Thank you all

A reader recently wondered if there were people who were reading the Lovefraud Blog without commenting. The answer is a resounding yes. Lovefraud averages 1,100 visitors every single day. Our web logs register more than 1 million hits per month. More than 700 people have sent e-mail to Lovefraud describing their encounters with a sociopath. Many, many people thank Lovefraud for finally explaining the insanity in their lives.

I am in awe of what Lovefraud has become.

I thank the Lovefraud authors—Dr. Liane Leedom, M.L. Gallagher, and our newest author, Dr. Steve Appel. I also thank the many, many readers who have contributed stories and posted such thoughtful comments. Sometimes, as I read your words, I am humbled by the depth of your insights and the strength of your caring. Thank you all so much.

Holiday break

The Lovefraud authors will be taking a two-week break for the holidays. We’ll be back to posting after the New Year.

Between now and then, you’ll see some modifications to the Lovefraud Blog— I’ll be adding more categories covering narrower topics. With 194 posts and 1,407 comments, the blog is rich in information. The new categories will help you find the information you need more quickly.

Happy holidays to all of you, and I wish you healing and joy in 2008.

Posted in: Donna Andersen

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76 Comments on "Wishing you healing and joy in 2008"

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Why is it that I am doing well, feeling healthier, empowered and then…more lies are uncovered. I don’t want to know any more! What I do know is ENOUGH!! I feel that God only let’s in on what I can handle at a given time and then information COMES to me. I have to wonder “what else” and “when will it end?

I am pretty successful with not contacting the SP until I learn MORE and then I REACT and usually contact him in anger. He can’t handle the truth and just hangs up on me. When will I learn not esxpect anything different from him AND for every lie I do know there are many, many more.

I just want him out of my life, out of my teen son’s life, and he to move to another country!!! Although intellectually, I do understand that that I AM healing while I have to deal or not deal with him, enough is enough! I also know that healing after 29yrs of marriage to a SP, alcoholic, and addict will take more than 8 mos. I am so much better than I was but I am ready to be emotionally detached from him.

I continue my recovery in Alanon (been a member for 20+ yrs), read and study, and go to counseling every 2 weeks.

How do I know when I have accomplished detachment FOR GOOD?

backtoreality – I went through that stage, when i thought I had hit the bottom of finding out about his lies, I would find out more and fall to another level. I think it is difficult to know what is truth and what is fantasy and provocation. The reason he hangs up on you, and my ex did that too, is that if you are a reactor like me, they will calmly use you as a surrogate to take on the wrap for causing distress in the relationship – when all along it is they who are causing turbulence – ambient abuse they call it. If you are prone to getting anger, they have the excuse of using your anger as their exit route – Clever eh. Causing mischief and then using their target to take the wrap, while they walk away without guilt or shame. It is all designed to weaken and suck you in so that they have control.

After 9 months into my time with my ex, I paid for relationship counselling because I knew things were very wrong. My counsellor diagnosed that my ex was committment phobic. Of course like any love sick woman I went back to him and indeed he won me back so that he could punish me by betraying me for something I said to him during the previous phase of the relationship – how sick is that. Not even my counsellor diagnosed him, and I have just been in to see the boss of the counselling office to say that because my counsellor didnt give me the guidance I asked for and because she didnt correctly diagnose his behaviour patterns – and I gave her quite alot of detailed info about his behaviour – that I suffered the worst part of the abuse after I had the counselling which I maybe could have avoided, although I took the responsibility of going back with him.

I have just been on holiday and I have noticed many bullies and narcissist type men with women in tow. Someone said it is like learning a new language – and I agree – I have had my eyes open to something I never knew existed

Any thoughts on how to cope with my ex having contact with our son? It’s limited because he’s out of state and he can’t be bothered to see him all available time when he’s here because the girlfriend is with him. I’m grateful of that because I worry every time my son goes with him, but it hurts so much to watch my son cry and say things like “I should tie Dad to a chair and make him watch me open my Christmas presents and tell me that he loves me”.

The other side of the coin is when he does call emotions come flooding back. I had gotten through New Years Eve OK (even started a new tradition for my son and me) and then he calls my son at 12:05am. All I could think about was him kissing the girlfriend at midnight before he called his son. She already was his girlfriend when I thought we were “happily” married. According to him she was just a friend who wanted to meet me and be friends with me too. Soo in denial.

Beverly – WOW! I am so glad I found this site because I learn something every time I read. I have never heard the term – ambient abuse. I read a little about it after I read your post and it puts into words what I struggled to explain.

You are also correct that I am a reactor and I get the same response EVERY time I react and I am reminded TOO LATE about the INSANITY quote of doing the same thing over and over expecting DIFFERENT results. I KNOW I am better NOT to react but I have difficulty with that even though I swear I will not do it again. I AFFIRM that this was the LAST time!

tryingtorecover – I have a 16yr old son and his father lives in the same city as us and sometimes it is 2 or 3 weeks between seeing him. I am grateful for it! When he does spend time w/him I have trouble dealing w/it. He spent 90 minutes w/him before Xmas, @ a restaurant, and exchanged gifts. I learned the girlfriend was there and gave my son an expensive gift.

I HATE it and want to forbid him from seeing her. I could have his Dad forbidden from seeing him because of drug use and arrests. My first impulse was to do just that but after a couple days of cooling off I have thought about the consequences of me doing that. My son would be angry at me and blame me. I do set some boundaries by not allowing my son to be a passenger in a vehicle operated by his Dad. Fortunately, my son has his drivers license so this is easy to enforce.

My son does not verbalize anything negative about his father and is defensive of him. It has been 8 mos since he left and my son has only shared a few meals w/his father, no overnight visits (we do not know where he lives), and the longest time together was to play a round of golf.

I am VERY grateful his father has little involvement with him but I’m not sure how to help my son. I know that he loves his father, wants his father to love him, and like his mother USED to think, he believes his father is something better than he actually is.

I was able to convince my son to go to a counseling session and the appt is tomorrow. It is very difficult for him to express himself and I am praying for him to open up to the counselor. He attended a session w/me me about a mo after his father left and all he said was that everything was fine and so was he. He will go alone tomorrow and I am hopeful he’ll find some relief.

Like you, I sometimes obsess about visualizations about my ex and his girlfriend. It is a very unhappy place for me and I have to remind myself that I don’t even like him. I think I just want him to be unhappy. He probably is but he himself does not even realize it. How could anyone be happy after abandoning their son. Though he believes he should be Father of the Year!

How I was mislead by my ex – initially he expressed revulsion at men who hit women, he told me that he would demolish any man who hit a woman – so naturally I thought that this man respects and protects women. What I didnt realise is that men like him are clever in that they commit emotional and psychological abuse, the kind that is hard to identify at first and they do it with stealth, plotting and planning how to wound – ambient abuse – not readily identifiable at first. This has opened my eyes so much to the abuse that is being played out at so many levels, in the family, at work, in communities. There is a really good website that gives down to earth information on bullying and various personality disorders http://www.bullyonline. Does anyone have information on recovery for targets. How does one regain peace of mind?

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