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There is a lot that I need to say but I will try to keep it short and sweet.
So I am a 24 female and was seeing this 37 year old married man. We have known each other for a little while due to where we work. We got to know each other while working together and things started developing. I was in a relationship but was unhappy in it. I did end it before getting more involved with this new guy. He kept telling me that his marriage was ending but he was waiting for the right time due to circumstances that I understood (wife had medical issues and they have a 14 year old). I used to send him nude snaps on SnapChat. He’d screenshot them and save them, which I didn’t mind because I trusted him with them.
We had an amazing relationship: we had so much in common despite our age difference, our personalities seemed to mesh so well, he seemed like everything I ever wanted and what I was looking for. He would spend as much time as he could at my apartment and only leave when he absolutely had to then he’d come back over and spend more time late at night after his wife went to bed.
He kept reassuring me that his marriage was ending and that he wanted to be with me and that he was “coming for me”. He reassured me that he loved me, that he “wanted to take care of me”, that he has never felt like this with anyone before, that he has never had this much in common with a female before. He told me that he and his wife has had issues for the past few years and that they pretty much “live like roommates” and raise their daughter. He told me that they don’t even sleep in the same bed.
We had our ups and down during the few months we were together (jealousy and feeling like I was avoiding him). We patched them up and continued being together. Oh, and these “issues” happened every 2 weeks on the day.
One day I sent him a nude snap that had my phone number (yes, he already had my number) and said “call me maybe”. We had recently starting talking on the phone instead of strictly texting. I sent the snap so he’d see my number and decide to call. Well he thought then began to accuse me of sending it to someone other than him. When he’d ask me about it I told him that I never sent it to anyone but him, which was the truth. He adamantly refused to believe that I did not send it to anyone else. He told me “just tell me you did it so I don’t feel like I’m crazy. I know you sent it to someone else. I know you did”. He told me that nothing would change in our relationship if I told him I did it. I was desperate to keep my relationship with him so I told him I did it. Then everything went downhill from there… He accused me of “stepping out on him and sleeping with someone else” behind his back. I eventually told him that I had done all of that and even made up details to make it believable. Again, I was desperate to keep my relationship with him because of how I feel/felt about him. I never once sent a snap to anyone else nor did I sleep with anyone else.
He acts like he wants to get back together with me one minute then his attitude changes and he doesn’t see how I could do this to him because “of what we had, how much he loved me, etc.” He makes me believe he wants me back but then he puts me down. I know I did nothing wrong to “lose us”. He makes me believe him when he tells me things like he wants to “see what happens once trust is built again”.
I need help seeing and dealing with all of this. I am struggling because I know how I feel about him and the fact that I lied about sleeping with someone else and that I still keep it going. -
Hello and sorry you have been targeted like this. If you can, I recommend reading anything by H G Tudor. The best one I have read so far is 50 Things You Should Never Do With a Narcissist, or Evil, or Fuel. You can read some of them for free if you have Amazon Prime. It breaks it down from the standpoint of a Narcissistic Sociopath. It is VERY ACCURATE! Make notes of all the awful ways he made you feel, read the book, and go NO CONTACT, would be my recommendation. GOOD LUCK!
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Youngandnaive,
Please read everything you can on this website. What you are describing is classic narcissistic abuse: Lies, manipulation, abuse, and accusing you of things you are not doing (a form of ‘gaslighting’). Understanding, and accepting, that there are people who are, for whatever reasons (from birth, due to trauma, etc..) not able to empathize, truly attach to, and love other human beings…this is essential for regaining your ‘head’ and moving forward. No amount of talking, trying to be logical with him, or getting ‘clear’ on the facts will assist you in this situation.
Personality disordered people LOVE the game. They love the drama. They love watching other people’s confusion and pain. It is a fact.
The story you have shared with us is a CLASSIC tale of a narcissist/psychopath/sociopath. His wife is probably fine. He has likely cheated on her many times. They are probably doing what they have done for a long time: LIVING A LIE.
I will tell you this…when I was in the middle of my awful experience, the person I was with also accused me of being unfaithful, which was absurd, for multiple reasons. First, he WANTED an open relationship (so why be concerned if he thought ‘I’ was having one). Second, I worked 60 hours a week, and didn’t have time for an affair. Third, I was ‘in love’ with him, and didn’t want to be with anyone else.
What I found out later is that he had had sex with up to 8 women, in a 9 month period! All without my knowing, because he was so busy making crap up I couldn’t keep up with what was true and what was a lie.
It’s a lot of smoke and mirrors to distract you from seeing what is right in front of your face. He is a cheat, a liar, a manipulator, and an abuser. None of what he says changes those facts. His words and inconsistencies are the smoke and mirrors.
The truth is: when they accuse you of something what they are really doing is letting you know what THEY HAVE BEEN UP TO, are thinking about doing, or have habitually done in the past.
He is cheating with you. He has cheated with others. And he is letting you know he is going to cheat in the future. He has lied to others, and is lying to you. He has played this game before, and is letting you know he will not stop playing it just because he met you.
Please cut ties with him, and go strictly no contact. Even if it means getting a new job, new phone #, new email address, even a new home address.
Slim
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The sad truth laid bare.. ive never met a more convincing acto. Award winning performances lol
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youngandnaive – I second what slimone wrote. What you described is typical sociopathic manipulation. Understand that sociopaths are incapable of love, and all the times he told you that he “loved” you, he was just saying what you wanted to hear so that he could sleep with you.
The man just wants to control you, and he has no intention of leaving his wife. Please put him out of your life.
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Dear youngandnaive,
This man has profound, pathological insecurities. Prompted by the most tenuous of “clues” (that phone number you wrote down), he stubbornly refuses to believe you haven’t been unfaithful to him no matter what you tried to tell him. He’s downright paranoid.
Unfortunately as you’ve discovered, it was the wrong move entirely to give in to his pressure and pretend you had cheated on him, in the hope that it would get him off your back! Naturally it did nothing of the kind. It only triggered more accusations, and “everything went downhill from there,” just as you said.
But I’m sure his insecurities showed through earlier, in the “jealousy” issues you talked about, even in the fact that he couldn’t leave you alone and spent every minute with you that he possibly could. That’s a red flag of controlling behavior right there.
He may, as others have said here, be a narcissist. Narcissists are often desperate to compensate for a very fragile ego. My own guess is that he could possibly be a borderline. That might account for his rapidly oscillating attitudes toward you, and the cyclic nature of his moods (every two weeks, you said). If so, in time he’s likely to become extremely controlling, perhaps dangerously so.
Whatever it is that’s wrong with him, there’s no doubt he’s personality disordered and just plain bad news. Like others here, I advise you to extricate yourself from this entanglement as soon as you can.
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I agree with the previous comments. End the relationship with this disordered man.
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It’s likely that he’s not insecure nor paranoid. It is likely he knows that you didn’t cheat, and is accusing you of cheating to confuse you and to keep your mind occupied on defending yourself so you don’t consider the fact that he is cheating on his wife and family. He appears to be manipulative.
The best thing you can do for yourself in the long term is to stop seeing him and stop having any contact. That is also the most difficult and painful thing to do. You have bonded with him and you love the person he appears to be. It is a big loss to grieve.
Consider that if his marriage ends and he is truly single, you can always see him again. Sadly, it is unlikely. It is most likely that if his marriage was really ending through no fault of his own, he would be the kind of man who would wait until he is single to date.
You deserve a relationship with a good man who is free to offer you a future.
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I agree with Annette.
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