Why I hate narcissists

Dear angelofdarkness, you cannot have a truly close intimate relationship with a narcissist, so you might want to ask yourself why you’re okay hanging out with these people. You already know why you attract them. But why are you okay hanging out with them, when there are people out there who are capable of real connection?

You are correct in that narcissists need to have their egos stroked and can be manipulated through that kind of flattery. I see that right now in the US president, and it scares me quite a bit.

Ugh, I just replied to this post and my reply disappeared. I will try to recreate it.

I don’t know if you can cause more harm to a narcissist, because their defenses seem very rigid. But when you are so defended that you fear you cannot bond with others, it’s very easy to be casual with others’ feelings unintentionally (voice of experience). As you work through some of the issues and find that you can feel empathy for others and bond with them, all the harm you caused may come back to haunt you in the form of regret and remorse. At least this is how it happened for me – I can’t speak for anyone else. The laws of karma are not pleasant sometimes.

And yes, narcissists can be charming and entertaining, sometimes so much so that they can become president.

angel, so did I (fail to see the president’s charm). But many do. It’s a phenomenon that’s also hard for me to understand.

I am just now feeling some remorse and pain for the casual way I have treated several men’s feelings from the past. It has surfaced since the eclipse – I’m not sure if there is some sort of “eclipse” energy. But I’m soon to be 57, so I’ve gone a lot of years thinking my politics with the opposite sex were just fine. So much of what I assumed was an okay way to relate to men turned out to be subtle game playing and defensiveness, some of it reacting to THEIR games and defensiveness. I couldn’t have done any better at the time – that is just where I was at in my awareness. I didn’t even know I was playing any games.

Whenever we are communicating from a defensive place, there will always be some sort of game. It’s not intentional. For me, when I started seeing it, the reality was very painful to me – partly just because I started acutely feeling what the other must have felt. And partly for the missed opportunities of two people who were scared and pushing each other away. I have vowed recently to be more honest and authentic with others, even if it makes me very vulnerable. This is scary, but I feel life is richer and more authentic this way. Plus there is less karma to deal with.

I recall when there was a guy I liked but didn’t understand his motives, instead of just asking (the obvious response), I just put up defenses. I would be coy or try to make him jealous to get his attention. With others, it was clear that they were interested romantically. I just wanted a friendship, but some of them were in love. I allowed the friendship to go on because it filled my needs, even though it kept them hanging for the promise of something more down the road. In retrospect, I wish I’d had the compassion to be upfront and make a clean break to allow them to move on. I’ve also been on the other side of this. It’s painful either way. I truly do not want to cause harm to anyone.

Ah but feelings are not logical at all. You can’t think your way through them. But you can’t feel what you don’t feel. That is, until you feel it. I’m often surprised at what feelings come up from the depths of my being the more work I do inwardly. Some things I never knew were in there. It’s good to have someone in your life who can see through your defenses, as long as their motives are good. It can be very healing.

Well you did mention that you were low empathic and have trouble bonding. I don’t know if that means you fall somewhere on the sociopathic scale or that you have just been hurt so much that you are guarded. If it’s the latter, things could definitely change for you if you wanted them to. If it’s the former, then we are talking in two different languages. Personally, I don’t want to use people or play games with them. I think we all play some games to some extent in social situations. But empathic people strive to have authentic, intimate, and loving connections with others. To the degree we are too defended to experience that, we play games. And when we become aware of the games we’ve played, it can be quite painful. This is something a sociopath cannot understand because they do not seem to have the capacity for self-awareness or for empathy. The games become their primary form of interacting with others.

I think I might understand what you mean about the chess game, angelofdarkness, because I almost feel like it’s a chess game blogging with you. I don’t know if it is your desire to let others get close to you but if it is, I believe a good therapist might help you break through. And if not, then I wish the least possible harm to those you manipulate, I guess. Not sure how else to respond. I don’t sense you are looking for help or advice, so it’s a little strange hearing how you view relationships as games. Empathic people do not do that.

Sociopaths do not have the depth for introspection and real self-awareness. Of course they know they are exploiting people. They may know they are different and that they lack some capacities other people seem to have. They may feel very frustrated about that. And they may feel delight at duping people. They can also be bored and know they’re bored. That is probably the extent to their awareness. The range of feelings, thoughts, and behaviors of which they can become aware are very limited.

Star, you might consider if you’re being sucked into a ping pong dialog with someone who says they are of low empathy and enjoy games. Angel’s posts are similar to many posts on the sociopath world site.

Annette, no worries – It all feels like a game, and I lose interest with games.