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Why I hate narcissists

This topic contains 14 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  Stargazer 1 week, 6 days ago.

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  • #42070

    angelofdarkness
    Participant

    (Not sure if posting links is allowed, if not; delete this post)

    I came across this blog, the linked post is from 2012, it gives a nice picture of the differences between narcissists and sociopaths. I found it an entertaining read.

    http://www.sociopathworld.com/2008/08/why-i-hate-narcissists.html

    ——-

    First: I do not hate narcissists unless the individual gives me a reason for it. And that applies to every person in general.

    I seem to attract an unusually high amount of narcissists in my life. Reason for that being that I am a social chameleon, I adapt to my surroundings and the people I interact with, so if some is looking for a mirror… Narcissists are highly insecure (not self-aware) people who need constant validation to feel good. Most of the time it gets annoying really fast.
    Now narcissists can be quite useful sometimes. Because of their constant need for validation, a lot of them are really easy to manipulate to do what you want as long as it feeds their ego.
    While I hate most narcissists for their behavior, my best friend is a narcissist. Don’t have to put much effort into the relationship, I can do anything to her, she always comes running back. And while sometimes it can get a bit overwhelming to be around her, I remind myself of how hilarious and fun to be around she can be.

  • #42084

    Stargazer
    Participant

    Dear angelofdarkness, you cannot have a truly close intimate relationship with a narcissist, so you might want to ask yourself why you’re okay hanging out with these people. You already know why you attract them. But why are you okay hanging out with them, when there are people out there who are capable of real connection?

    You are correct in that narcissists need to have their egos stroked and can be manipulated through that kind of flattery. I see that right now in the US president, and it scares me quite a bit.

  • #42087

    angelofdarkness
    Participant

    @stargazer, there might be a couple of reasons. I can keep up with the drama they cause. I am rather low empathic, mirroring mostly fills that part. Experienced mobbing among other abusive things in childhood, and have become very guarded over the years; showing real emotions and especially bonding with people is difficult, to the point where I questioned myself if I am capable of real connections.
    Almost all of the romantic relationships I have had with narcissists were in my teens. I found it entertaining to see how far I could push them before they either break or snap. When I reached my twenties being “the destroyer of men” got boring and also realized how damaging it was to them. I am not destructive and actually want to be a really good person but at the same time, I don’t want to be someone people can just harm all the time. Unfortunate sometimes a thick shell grows spikes.
    The only narcissist I meet regularly is my best friend. Why? We have been friends since childhood. And later started working together. She is a makeup artist while I am working in TV production, so it is very beneficial for both to keep up a good relationship. And besides, she has great humor and always knows how to liven up a dull party.

    I am still puzzled how the US was able to elect a man that already during the elections obvious showed he wasn’t a good fit for the office. And you are right, it is quite scary.

  • #42090

    Stargazer
    Participant

    Ugh, I just replied to this post and my reply disappeared. I will try to recreate it.

    I don’t know if you can cause more harm to a narcissist, because their defenses seem very rigid. But when you are so defended that you fear you cannot bond with others, it’s very easy to be casual with others’ feelings unintentionally (voice of experience). As you work through some of the issues and find that you can feel empathy for others and bond with them, all the harm you caused may come back to haunt you in the form of regret and remorse. At least this is how it happened for me – I can’t speak for anyone else. The laws of karma are not pleasant sometimes.

    And yes, narcissists can be charming and entertaining, sometimes so much so that they can become president.

  • #42091

    angelofdarkness
    Participant

    I don’t regret or feel remorse about things I have done. I feel regret over things I have not done, missed opportunities. I can bond with people, it just takes unconditional trust, loyalty and a lot of patience from the other part. Even though my actions can be rushed and impulsive when I get excited. At the same time if I feel rushed into something I would leave or “let’s just be friends”.

    As for the president, I must have failed to see his charm behind the wall of stupidity.

  • #42095

    Stargazer
    Participant

    angel, so did I (fail to see the president’s charm). But many do. It’s a phenomenon that’s also hard for me to understand.

    I am just now feeling some remorse and pain for the casual way I have treated several men’s feelings from the past. It has surfaced since the eclipse – I’m not sure if there is some sort of “eclipse” energy. But I’m soon to be 57, so I’ve gone a lot of years thinking my politics with the opposite sex were just fine. So much of what I assumed was an okay way to relate to men turned out to be subtle game playing and defensiveness, some of it reacting to THEIR games and defensiveness. I couldn’t have done any better at the time – that is just where I was at in my awareness. I didn’t even know I was playing any games.

    Whenever we are communicating from a defensive place, there will always be some sort of game. It’s not intentional. For me, when I started seeing it, the reality was very painful to me – partly just because I started acutely feeling what the other must have felt. And partly for the missed opportunities of two people who were scared and pushing each other away. I have vowed recently to be more honest and authentic with others, even if it makes me very vulnerable. This is scary, but I feel life is richer and more authentic this way. Plus there is less karma to deal with.

    I recall when there was a guy I liked but didn’t understand his motives, instead of just asking (the obvious response), I just put up defenses. I would be coy or try to make him jealous to get his attention. With others, it was clear that they were interested romantically. I just wanted a friendship, but some of them were in love. I allowed the friendship to go on because it filled my needs, even though it kept them hanging for the promise of something more down the road. In retrospect, I wish I’d had the compassion to be upfront and make a clean break to allow them to move on. I’ve also been on the other side of this. It’s painful either way. I truly do not want to cause harm to anyone.

  • #42100

    angelofdarkness
    Participant

    Feeling remorse or guilt for actions I have done never seemed like a logical thing to do. Also, it most likely was what seemed to me as the most logical approach in the situation. I can acknowledge that some of the actions turned out to be wrong, but feeling remorse brings me nowhere.
    I can relate to a lot of what you are saying there. Especially the not telling or asking people the obvious. At the moment I am dating a woman. She manages to see right through my shields which so many others have failed to do. It feels good not having to pretend something that is not or only superficial.

  • #42112

    Stargazer
    Participant

    Ah but feelings are not logical at all. You can’t think your way through them. But you can’t feel what you don’t feel. That is, until you feel it. I’m often surprised at what feelings come up from the depths of my being the more work I do inwardly. Some things I never knew were in there. It’s good to have someone in your life who can see through your defenses, as long as their motives are good. It can be very healing.

  • #42116

    angelofdarkness
    Participant

    To some extent, it is possible to control them. And it is always a conscious choice whether we act on them or not.
    Motives and underlying schemes are always present, exposing and judging the severity of them is the tricky part, that keeps the game interesting.

  • #42121

    Stargazer
    Participant

    Well you did mention that you were low empathic and have trouble bonding. I don’t know if that means you fall somewhere on the sociopathic scale or that you have just been hurt so much that you are guarded. If it’s the latter, things could definitely change for you if you wanted them to. If it’s the former, then we are talking in two different languages. Personally, I don’t want to use people or play games with them. I think we all play some games to some extent in social situations. But empathic people strive to have authentic, intimate, and loving connections with others. To the degree we are too defended to experience that, we play games. And when we become aware of the games we’ve played, it can be quite painful. This is something a sociopath cannot understand because they do not seem to have the capacity for self-awareness or for empathy. The games become their primary form of interacting with others.

  • #42122

    angelofdarkness
    Participant

    I don’t believe in extremes. We all are on that scale somewhere. I would say it is the latter, but perhaps a combination. Not necessarily been hurt that much, but other psychological conditions that influenced my ability to let people close to me. You could say that until high school the entire “me” was a lie to hide from the world.
    Having those relationships in one thing, the problem I have is that I start manipulating or sabotaging relationships if they get too close to me without noticing myself.
    I have always liked to compare life to a chess game. Actions x reactions. Every move forces a reaction and the ability to adapt.
    Self-awareness in what way? I have interacted with psycho-/sociopaths who seemed quite self-aware of what they were doing. Perhaps in a different way than what you were referring too?

  • #42133

    Stargazer
    Participant

    I think I might understand what you mean about the chess game, angelofdarkness, because I almost feel like it’s a chess game blogging with you. I don’t know if it is your desire to let others get close to you but if it is, I believe a good therapist might help you break through. And if not, then I wish the least possible harm to those you manipulate, I guess. Not sure how else to respond. I don’t sense you are looking for help or advice, so it’s a little strange hearing how you view relationships as games. Empathic people do not do that.

    Sociopaths do not have the depth for introspection and real self-awareness. Of course they know they are exploiting people. They may know they are different and that they lack some capacities other people seem to have. They may feel very frustrated about that. And they may feel delight at duping people. They can also be bored and know they’re bored. That is probably the extent to their awareness. The range of feelings, thoughts, and behaviors of which they can become aware are very limited.

  • #42134

    angelofdarkness
    Participant

    It is true that I used to view relationships as games but not anymore. I am trying to build up a meaningful and lasting relationship, And it’s going well with my current partner. I care about my friends and don’t harm people unless they gave me a very good reason to do so.
    I do view life in general as a chess game. That does not mean I walk around thinking about everything I do as moving pawns around. But if you think about it you will see it is a quite fitting metaphor. Just look at politics.

    All that seems to fit with more or less for the sociopaths I interacted with. Allways good to have a backup plan for when boredom strikes.

  • #42148

    AnnettePK
    Participant

    Star, you might consider if you’re being sucked into a ping pong dialog with someone who says they are of low empathy and enjoy games. Angel’s posts are similar to many posts on the sociopath world site.

  • #42155

    Stargazer
    Participant

    Annette, no worries – It all feels like a game, and I lose interest with games.

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