Denial of it all

takenmylifeback – If you stay, it will never get better, and it will certainly get worse – plus, you will continue to lose more and more of yourself.

When he claims he is a “changed man,” know that it will only last until you are back in his clutches. As soon as you are hooked, all of the bad behavior will resume again.

Having a child with him makes it difficult, but still the best thing you can do is leave. Keep reading Lovefraud. We have a lot of information about dealing with a sociopath and children. Here’s a start:

10 tactics for child custody battles with sociopaths

takenmylifeback – yes, it is normal. Most likely, he was wonderful when you first met – sociopaths usually are. That was the man you fell for, and you still remember that, hoping he will return.

What you need to remember is that the wonderful man in the beginning was an ACT! It was a charade that he used to hook you. The lying cheater is the real man.

These relationships are addictive. Literally – they have the qualities of addiction. That’s why leaving them is like kicking an addiction.

When you make the move to get away, and stay away, you’ll find that the longer you are away from him, the more your mind will clear. Distance is key.

taken my life back,

25 yrs later married to this guy I am finally going to leave in the next few weeks, or file for divorce for that matter. I waited and stayed 12 yrs for two main reasons , after I finally figured out that something was wrong with him.
The first being for the kids , I had 4 little ones, and the second because deep down I did not want the marriage t end and the family to break up and I remained in denial.
The problem with waiting is that the kids grew up watching a dysfunctional marriage and watching their mother be diminished. Now my youngest who is a a 17 y/o boy , is treating me with such disregard and disrespect that it kills me every day. He has emulated his father.
It is really hard to get out of that denial phase of what he is, trust me I still go there occasionally even after all he is done. It is so hard. But keep your eyes on the facts and if he has changed overall since the first time he did something . If he hasn’t , then you you have your answer. Don’t waste anymore time wondering. Keep your eyes on the facts, ignore your other feelings , only pay attention to your gut

I’m sorry , are you ok?

takenmylifeback, if you have to call the police!!! Safety first!!

I’m so sorry you are enduring this pain right now. Been there too & it’s terrifying to be in your position right now.

In the morning call your local domestic abuse center & set up an appointment without your mate knowing. In the USA the National domestic violence center is 800-799-safe. YOU will be able to talk to a free counselor & also get local abuse center numbers.

As your name states: TAKEN MY LIFE BACK…the time is NOW!!

• This reply was modified 7 years ago by Jan7.

please let us know that you are ok by posting tomorrow. Otherwise we will worry about you hon. Take care. We hear you!!!?

Hi takenmylifebac, so glad you are ok. Look at the site Onemomsbattle. com and also their Facebook page. This site deals with child custody & dealing with a narcissist. If you are going to chat on their Facebook page I would recommend that you open a fake email then a fake Facebook page so you can chat without your mate seeing things. Also on Facebook block out everyone so that you can speak freely.

If you do a search on One moms battle here on love fraud you will find Donna’s write up & also a video interview with OMB site creator Tina Swiften.

I’m sorry you are enduring so much. But there is help out with your National Domestic Violence hotline USA 800-799-SAFE (or search on net if not in the USA) and also here at love fraud home page “Yellow box” section & videos up at the top.

Make an Exit Plan out of this relationship with the help of trust friends & family & the National Violence hotline & your local abuse center.

It’s not easy to leave without help so reach out for help!

Thats what sociopaths do = make us feel bad = so they have power & control over us. Take your power back by Leaving him. You ask “Should I worry”…with a socipath you always have to expect the worse this is why you should reach out for guidence with the National Domestic violence hotline & look a their site.

Do a search on the net for:

Domestic abuse exit plan
Domestic abuse exit plan you tube
Domestic abuse exit plan Dr Phil you tube
Domestic abuse Safey plan

YOU ARE STRONG! YOU CAN DO THIS!!

HUGS TO YOU!!?

You’re welcome Takenmylifebac!

We have all been exactly where you are now. It’s not easy to leave but I can tell you with time, leaving him will be the greatest gift you ever gave yourself & your daughter.

But to be SAFE please contact the National Domestic hotline & ask for help with an exit plan.

Also the USA national domestic hotline has an excellent website and most countries.

google: Domestic abuse cycle power & control wheel…this will explain the cycle “rollercoaster” ride that abusers put their mates thru.

Most victims are emotionally, mentally & physically exhausted from all of the craziness the abuser inflects on the victims daily. So look after your health too. IT’s a vital part of healing from domestic abuse.

On another site the site creator asked if any victims had had health problems during their toxic relationship. Over 400 victims responded YES!! The bulk of the health issues were symptoms of Adrenal fatigue. After I escaped my ex I was lucky enough to have a friend direct me to an Endocrinologist doctor who tested me & found that I had adrenal fatigue. I believe this is the root body health of PTSD.

See sites like Adrenalfatigue. org & Drlam. com for a full symptoms list. (I have zero affiliation with these doctors except for the fact my doctor prescribed Dr Wilsons adrenal fatigue vitamins)

A small list of adrenal fatigue symptoms:

Racing mind
sleep issues
mood swings
fatigue
anxiety
depression
memory loss

WE HEAR YOU!! ?WE BELIEVE YOU!!? YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!?

Hugs to you!! take care! ?

• This reply was modified 7 years ago by Jan7.

Hi Takenmylifebac, Not sure what advise to give you with regards to your apartment. I would suggest you contract your local abuse center & make an appointment to talk with a counselor then ask the counselors. Im guessing that they deal with this situation everyday & would have much better direction for you.

I think the biggest issue is will he damage the apartment if you leave, or refuse to leave and put you in a bind of paying his rent for a long time. OR he takes the security deposit & keeps it.

If the abuse center does not have any advise take a friend or family member with you (as a witness) to speak with the landlord about getting out of the lease early.

With a sociopath you never know how they are going to react so you must always expect the worse!! He could even move others into the apartment. Which could be a nightmare for you trying to get our deposit back on telephone, cable, electric, gas & apartment.

I’m glad that you are thinking ahead of the game. This is what you have to to with a sociopath = be 100 steps ahead of them.

I have also learned you can NEVER be nice to a sociopath especially at the end…they will never be normal or nice they will become extremely vindictive & spiteful.

ps just want to let you know I was unfortunately married to a sociopath & we owned our home so I had to go thru divorce court which was a nightmare.

• This reply was modified 7 years ago by Jan7.

Takenmylifebac, I dont think the police have any jurisdiction over this situation until a judge decides in court. I dont think they can tell you where you have to live for your safety. So right now, just breath & talk with your local abuse center to get info what you can & cant do for your safety & your daughters safety.

Stay calm is the most important thing also which is extremely hard given you are in a very vital home. DO NOT FIGHT WITH HIM in the home or anywhere right now…you will will not win (you never win a fight with a sociopaths they just keep twisting your mind around) the right its best to bit your tongue (which is not easy to do). Everything you say to him he will use in court against you so keep quite. Just go about your daily living.

Your local abuse center most likely has emergency shelter for you & your daughter. So talk to them about this so that you can leave. And they can help you in court. Also it might be ok for you to leave the state since you do not have a court order for your safety but again talk with your local abuse center to learn the laws. Dont do anything until you talk to your local abuse center.

I’m so sorry that you are enduring this nightmare. You are strong hon, I know right now it’s scary and you feel “stuck” but you are not. Talk to your local abuse center. Call the National Violence hotline 800-799-safe for help & local numbers.

Hugs to you. ?

• This reply was modified 7 years ago by Jan7.

also open a fake email account and then open fake Facebook page to chat on the Facebook page One Moms battle. There is much support & they maybe able to guide you better. But what ever advise they give you please double check with the abuse center to see if its legal in your state.

Start Documenting everything in a journal!!! EVERYTHING!! & every detail i.e. time, date, where, etc. Ask your family to do the same with everything you tell them…this can be used in court.

You state:

“It’s like he has the memory of a high tech computer and I’m just in a fog…”

YES! your symptom of “fog” is sadly normal for an abuse victim. The stress you have been living under has stressed your adrenal glands & now they are releasing high levels of cortisol & adrenaline and messing with your hormones, blood pressure & blood sugar. Read up on symptoms of adrenal glands via the websites I listed above.

It’s scary to be where you are at right now. Your mind has awaken from all of his brain washing & mind control & you want out. Just like a cult victims mind awakening from a Cult leader brain washing.

It’s not that simple to leave if you are married or/and if you have children. So just do one step at a time, one day at a time…sometimes just one minute at a time or one hour at a time. When you feel stressed out put your hand on your heart and just feel your breathing. If you are breathing fast, take the time to take deep breaths and think of say a beautiful beach etc.

You should be so proud of yourself for all the positive steps you are making out of this toxic environment. You are stronger then you know!! You can do this. Just know you dont have to do it alone. Get your families to look at love fraud & educate themselves on what you have been enduring. Get the help of your local abuse center & lawyer.

You state: “What types of things do I need to document?”

Example: on 1/20/18 at 10 am he called me “crazy” and continued to belittle me in front of our daughter for an hour because I asked him to help me with the dishes. I attempted to walk away only to have him follow me.

What ever he says & does to you (physically hurts you or grabs you or pushes you up against the wall or corners you in a room so that you cant leave…DOCUMENT!! Also go back in the relationship for day one & document everything that he has said or done to you, your daughter or others.

HIDE THIS DOCUMENT!! DO NOT LET HIM SEE IT FOR YOUR SAFETY!!!!

CLEAR YOUR COMPUTER HISTORY EVERY TIME YOU USE IT. AND IF HE IS HOME CLEAR YOUR COMPUTER HISTORY SAY EVERY 10 MIN. TO KEEP YOU SAFE.

If YOU can not hide the document in your home or on your computer then leave a journal at a trusted friends home or at the local abuse center.

You state: “He wrote me a letter saying that he doesn’t want to be a product of his past and he really wants to do what he can to change and become a better husband and father and he is so sorry and deeply hurt by how he acted….:

THIS IS PART OF THE CYLCE OF ABUSE…for days you have been living in hell with him even having to call the police. Now he is shifting to the lovebombing stage again to get you sucked back in only to have the tension & abuse cycle happen again.

HIS WORDS ARE LIES…just look at how many times he has made you promises only to be broken.

GOOGLE THE DOMESTIC ABUSE CYCLE POWER WHEEL. to read more about the cycle of abuse.

How many more years of abuse are you going to settle for with this guy?

You are going to survive & thrive without him in your life. It will be difficult at first but you will look back and know in time that the greatest gift you ever gave yourself & your daughter was your freedom. You will find peace & calmness again.

Hugs to you!! ?

Found on the net about Domestic abuse power wheel: “Domestic abuse is not all cuts and bruises. in order to end abuse in our families, or in our community, it is important to be aware of the entire range of behavior that could constitute abuse.

To do this, Domestic Abuse Intervention Programs, in Duluth, created the Power and Control Wheel, a diagram that helps both victims and abusers identify all the behaviors that they have either experienced or utilized in their relationships. The wheel is separated into eight distinct categories:

Intimidation is the act of making someone fearful or making someone feel inferior. In an unhealthy relationship, intimidation can be seen throughout a wide variety of actions and behaviors. Some of these include: pointed looks, body language, destruction of property, abusing pets, threats/implication of a threat, and displaying weapons.

Emotional abuse is one of the most common forms of abuse and is characterized by frequent verbal attacks or put downs. These behaviors can include: name calling, insulting the victim, making the victim feel crazy or playing mind games, humiliating the victim, and making the victim feel guilty.

Isolation in domestic violence is the act of cutting the victim off from the rest of the world, especially his or her potential support system. Behaviors include: controlling who the victim sees or interacts with, controlling what the victim does or where they go, limiting what the victim can read or watch on TV, attempting to ruin or distance relationships with friends or family, and using jealousy as a means to justify their abuse.

Minimizing, denying, and blaming are all words that explain the abusers reasoning for the abuse. Perpetrators of domestic abuse often minimize the abuse by making light of the situation or blowing off the victim when they want to discuss it. Perpetrators of domestic abuse also frequently deny that the abuse occurred at all. Finally, perpetrators of domestic abuse shift responsibility for the abusive behavior onto the victim by saying that their actions forced their hand. They can use these tactics to both rationalize their own behavior as well as manipulate and control their partner by making them feel guilty, too sensitive, and/or crazy.

Using children is another way for attackers to manipulate their victims. Perpetrators of domestic abuse use their children to make their partner feel guilty about leaving or wanting to leave. They can use their children to relay messages to their victim. Or perpetrators of domestic abuse can force their victims to stay by threatening to take away their children.

Economic abuse is making one partner financially dependent on the other. Victims who are unable to support themselves, and possibly their children, are less likely to leave their partners.

Perpetrators of domestic abuse can prevent their partners from getting jobs, make their partners ask for money, give their partners an allowance, take their partner’s money, spend their partners money before they get a chance to save or work towards any type of financial goals, or withhold information or access to family income.
Male privilege is the social practice of men receiving benefits or advantages based solely on their gender. Whether consciously or not, male perpetrators use this logic to justify their abusive and domineering actions over their female partner. Examples of male privilege in perpetrators are treating the woman as a servant, and defining the “proper roles” for both men and women.

Coercion and threats are commonly used. Perpetrators of domestic abuse can threaten violence or physical harm, threaten to leave the victim, or threaten to commit suicide if the victim was to leave them.

These types of behaviors, in isolation, appear negligible. Yet, abusive relationships are marked by a repeated use of these behaviors, reinforcing one another and increasing asserting power and control over the victim. By identifying these various signs sooner we may be able to break the cycle and save more victims from an unnecessarily tragic fate.”

• This reply was modified 7 years ago by Jan7.

Please know that the most dangerous time for a woman in a abusive relationship is when she is ready to leave or has just left. So please get your local abuse center to help you with an Exit Plan & Safety plan.

Hi takenmylifebac, he is sensing that you are leaving for good. So be very careful hon. It’s so scary to be where you are now. I had to do the same when I was finally done with our marriage = bit my tongue & be very covert about my plans.

It was difficult to do both. Sometimes I was not good with bitting my tongue just before I left. Wish I would have been educate like you. Like you, my mind was finally awaken & realized I needed out. I had no support because my ex h isolated me so much both physically from family & friends & also mentally with fear of telling everyone. I remember driving 3000 miles away and within the first hour of the trip having a feeling weight literally lift of my shoulders.

You will be free soon. Just take steps everyday. And be proud of yourself! Be patient with your self too! Protect you & your daughter every step of the way by doing this very covertly with the help of your local abuse center.

ps You’re welcome ? IF it’s not danger keep posting here so we know you are ok. But if he is sensing you are chatting on line then stop for a few days. You can also go to a friends home to use their computer or your local library has computers that you can use for free.

Takenmylifebac, you have to fake that you are staying with him until you have everything in order to exit safely out of this relationship. This is why it’s important to work with your local abuse center. They deal with this everyday. It’s not easy to fake it. Trust me, I just wanted to get in my car and drive away but like you I had to make arrangements out. I made my mistakes on not planning an EXIT PLAN out because I was not educated on what I was dealing with nor did I get help from the abuse center. This is why I keep advising you to get help from your local center. The center would have made my exit much easier & I wouldn’t have felt so alone.

I would highly recommend that you go & talk with a local abuse center counselor (for free) and also attend the women group meetings BEFORE you leave SECRETLY from your bf. I did this after I left & while in counseling not related to the abuse center. The women group meetings were eye opening. It was one of the best things that I did when I left.

The first group meeting there were about 40 women. The counselor asked each of us to tell our stories. The first time I went I could not speak I was so broken. 35 stories were almost identical to mine. It was quite shocking because for over 12 years of marriage I felt alone. I felt like I was the only one on this planet in this situation & didnt know how to get out. Yes, many times I knew I was being abused emotionally, physically, mentally etc but my ex was masterful at knowing just how much he could push me before I would leave him and he knew exactly who to manipulate me back into the relationship via love bombing etc. This is part of the cycle of abuse. Seems like you bf know how to do this also. i.e. love letter & unpacking your things.

You feel like you are not only walking on egg shells all day long but you feel like you are spinning on a hamster wheel to no where ville.

Just when you think everything is “normal again”….nope…here comes Mr Crazy & his chaos & drama. It’s a nightmare…you live this now.

I can just tell you from my own experience that it does not get better, ever, with a sociopath, but instead they turn up the meter to the next level of abuse once they get you to come back into the relationship after a fight…the next level of crazy continues to break your spirit down, not to mention your daughters spirit…the next level of drama makes you want to give up & feel stuck. And each time they are sucking the life out of you even more until you crawl your way out of hell.

You see this now…you are ready to leave. DONT LET HIS MANIPULATIVE WORDS & LOVE BOMBING LETTERS SUCK YOU BACK IN TO HELL. You are right now able to walk out of this relationship once you have everything in order. But if you stay he will make sure you pay for attempting to leave him. This is the cycle of abuse wheel. tension building, abuse then calm the tension building, abuse then calm. This cycle can happen 100’s of times…it can happen many times throughout the day.

You must realize that your bf is using you. For what? seems like a place to live? for sex, for your money (?), to screw with your mind for fun. Sociopath use everyone. My ex too used me for my money, for sex, for a cover, to screw with for fun, to break a person down etc.

Is this really the life you want? For the rest of your life?

My ex would come home literally & start yelling at me over what?..who the hell knows…it was a game. Never in my life had I been around anyone like this. He would pin me up against the wall & scream at me like a drill sergeant, if I asked him to slow down on an ice road, he would speed up & start to cut in & out of other traffic to terrify me & it worked, and it just got worse & worse & worse the longer I stayed. I’m not telling you this for sympathy, Im telling you this because this is after I tried to leave him after I found out about an affair. I look back and can not believe I stayed because his craziness & drama was off the charts.

But sociopath know how to play the game..and you dont know you are playing a game, let alone the rules to the game because a sociopath will keep changing the rules to keep you off guard = so they can control you & have power over you.
WHY?

Because sociopath get bored & want to have fun and will screw with peoples minds. Is your bf like this too?

That Love letter is “Love bombing” (do a search here on Lovefraud for this.

He is also using “Sociopath pity play manipulation” to get you to feel sorry for him. DONT!!! (do a search on “Sociopath pity play manipulation here at love fraud & on the net)

I never wanted to date my ex h…never want to move in with him, never wanted to marry him…I want to leave him everyday. My gut alarm was going off the second I meet him. But I stayed for over 12 years of marriage. I wasted 12 plus years of my life. If I could go back & listen to my gut & run, I would. He showed me who he was the second I met him…durign the meeting I thought he was “a tornado” the second time meeting him I thought he was “crazy”…well guess what he is!! The original term for sociopath was Morally insane.

YOU are wasting your life if you are living with a narcissist or a sociopath narcissist. It’s better to be alone raising your daughter then be in hell.

I’m so proud of you for searching for answers on the net..and finding Lovefraud. And most importantly having the courage to post. I’m also so proud of you for making huge steps in leaving him. For calling the hotline. Keep making steps soon you will be running into your new life!!

You ask: He has 2 domestic violence charges on his record will this help with me getting custody you think?

I’m guessing YES. But I dont know how the court factors this in. I would recommend when you have time to get copies of these charges so that you have them for custody court. Hide the copies at a trusted friends home so that you are safe. You might also ask the Abuse center if they can get copies & keep them for you.

Also look up this term here at love fraud & on the net:

Idolization, devalue, discard

Hi Takenmylifebac,

you ask: “I still feel guilt like maybe I am making the wrong decision is that normal?”

YES!! I talked myself out of leaving for over 12 years. I came up with every reason that I should stay. But now that I am free there is no way in hell I would ever let that evil man back in my life.

Right now you are just fearful of possibly being alone, making the wrong decision, about a father figure for your daughter, etc etc.

With time & being around good people again you will see that his behavior is NOT NORMAL.

It is NOT normal to “rage” against someone during a disagreement!!!

It is NOT normal to “throw” things around during a fight!!

It is not normal to feel fear when having an disagreement!!

Yet this is what you are living in = fear = walking of egg shells not to set him off again = NOT NORMAL.

He has trained you to accept his horrific & terrifying behavior. You right now think it’s ok BUT IT”S NOT OK!!

You state in your first post:

“..“oh well maybe he isn’t a narcissist because that doesn’t sound like him” even though I KNOW everything they say is him to a T but those few small things…”

YOU KNOW WHO HE IS! YOU KNOW HE WILL NOT CHANGE!! YOU WANT OUT! How do I know this? Because you have written this in your post here. Re=read your post!!

You state: “Reading your story makes me think maybe I’m wrong about my situation (i know its just old habits coming back of giving him excuses) his rage is bad not as bad as what you had to endure”

YOUR SITUATION IS JUST AS BAD AS MINE. Right now he has you in the “Lovebombing” stage i.e. Idolization stage to trick you into staying. It’s all a con game to these con artist. DONT get conned again. You searched for answers to his horrible behavior towards you & your daughter and it lead you to lovefruad = LISTEN TO YOUR GUT of why you searched for answers!! it’s telling you the truth!!

KEEP READING EVERYTHING HERE TO OPEN YOUR MIND UP FROM HIS BRAIN WASHING, MIND CONTROL, GAS LIGHTING ABUSE (do a search on this here at LF & on the net).

WATCH THE VIDEOS UP AT THE TOP UNDER THE “VIDEO TAB” EVERY TIME YOU HAVE DOUBT. Dont look at my situation & think its not the same as yours = it is!! Right now you just have doubt. Which is very normal with dealing with a narcissist or sociopath.

You State:

“I also didn’t want to be with him or move in with him or any of that when we first met… I don’t want to say it was out of pity but something was there where I felt I had to save him because I was giving him money and car rides buying his groceries and paying for his food all in the beginning.”

BINGO!! My ex h did the same exact thing hon. I did not want to date him, move in with him or marry him & everyday I was married I wanted to leave. He is a masterful con artist. I witness him doing this to everyone he meet.

Your gut was screaming at you not to date him, or move in with him!! LISTEN TO YOUR GUT NOW!!

Google” “Oprah Gavin Debecker you tube” and watch your interview on listening to your gut. Gavin Debecker is the author of Gift of fear and he reminds us to NEVER weaver from our gut instinct. We have this alarm system for a reason = to PROTECT us & our children!!

You state: “Now it’s 9 years later and I don’t offer much to him so I’m not sure what he gets from me. I don’t work, I cook every now and then, I have lost my sex drive, I’m not sure what is left to offer”

You offer him POWER & CONTROL OVER YOU! That is what sociopath & narcissist ultimately want! He has you jumping thru hoops without you even realizing it. Right now he is playing you with his love bombing & his ranging.

If a friend did what he did to you, would you keep that friend in your circle?

My guess is NO!! More like HELL no!!

Dont settle because you feel it’s the “easiest way” it’s not, you are sacrificing your life and most importantly you daughters life.

I’ll write more later. Take care.

ps: “Cutting me out of picturesand hanging it for our 5 year old to see (it broke her heart) and yelling he hates me in front of our daughter.”

I dont even know where to begin with this crazy behavior of his. Seriously this is scary to me!! Please protect yourself & your daughter by getting help. DOCUMENT this & if you can take pictures for court. But only if you can do it safely & store them safely.

takenmylifebac, I’m not sure how you should respond to him. Try to switch the subject back to daily life instead of talking about the “relationship”.

Sociopath are masterful at using “sociopath blame shifting”, “sociopath projection” and also know what you are thinking (i.e. about to leave) and instead of allowing you to feel your thoughts they will say them to you as if that’s how they feel but it’s really how you the victim are feeling. It again, is part of their con game. Look these terms up.

Do you think he has access to your computer to see your history? maybe he is reading up here at love fraud. It’s very common for a sociopath to cross boundaries & snoop to keep control over their victim. Be careful now.

• This reply was modified 7 years ago by Jan7.

If anyone else has advise for Takenmylifebac please share.

Takenmylifebac, one thing you have to come to terms with, is the fact you are not dealing with someone with rational thinking. So you have to stop trying to analysis why he does stuff & just come to terms with that is & always will be his pattern of behavior. Once you let go of trying to figure out his way of thinking it’s much easier to walk away.

For 12 years I keep trying to give my ex h a chance…making excuse for his behavior. Once I came to terms with the fact he is who he is showing me…I was able to let go. He was never going to change. He will be abusive to his next girlfriend, mistress and wives.

Takenmylifebac, do a search up at the top right corner of LF with these words: “Confusion: The top warning sign of an abusive relationship” and watch this video a few times!

In the video Donna Anderson (LF site creator) is interviewing Mary Ann Glynn a therapist (not sure of her official title). This interview is EXCELLENT at breaking down a abusive relationship. The biggest thing to take away is the “confusion” that a victim feels in the abusive relationship. This is your right now. Confused. I was so confused too. Trying harder to be a better wife, but nothing worked. He was training me much like a dog is trained to jump thru hoops to please him. Nothing was ever going to please him because it was a game to him.

Also watch the videos up at the top of LF under the video tab every time you want to stay with this abuser.

Look under the posting section. Donna has just posted a new post where Mary Ann Glynn will be giving a free counseling group session over the net. IF you can watch but only if you are safe to do so. It’s best to get out of the house & watch it at a trusted friends home.

Hi Takenmylifebac, if you go to the upper right corner here at Lovefraud & do a search for:

“Mary Ann Glynn Confusion”

it should come up, but ***I will also move it to the top of the post on the “post section” (not the forum section) for you to read.

So glad that you are making these huge important steps (calling the abuse center & educating yourself here at LF)!! You are strong!! You should be so proud of yourself for working on getting out of your abusive relationship!

PLEASE DO NOT SHARE anything that you learn here at love fraud or other sites with your bf for your safety & your daughter safety. You must bit your tongue!! It’s not easy you want him to know you “know” who he is…but dont. Come here & vent if you need to get it off your mind.

Also look at the site “psychopathyawareness. word press. com another great site to educate yourself.

Hugs to you!

Hi takenmylifeback, you have more to gain when you leave a narcissist or sociopath, then you lose. Staying with a narcissist or sociopath narcissist you lose your identity, self worth, your life how you want & dream it to be, your children lose a peaceful & calm home upbringing etc. Leaving, yes, it’s not easy at first but long term you will be able to live a happy, peaceful, calm life…the life YOU dream of and your daughter too.

Dr Phil always states with regards to the children: “It’s better for kids to come from a broken home, then to live in a broken home.”. Powerful words.

You DONT Have to do everything alone hon (with regards to leaving him)…reach out to your family & trusted friends to help you with your packing & moving. And the Local abuse center for a Safety & Exit plan out. I felt like you when I was still with my h (now ex). I felt so isolated that I could not think myself out.

But all I had to do was reach out to my family & friends and the abuse center. Which I did not at the time…wish I would have. Remember abusers mentally & physically isolate their target victims to have control over them. This is just a mind set…just reach for your phone & call your family & trusted friends to tell them you need help out. And go to the abuse center & ask them for help with a Safety & exit plan out.

Glad you are reading up on custody. Also check with the local abuse center in your families state (if that is where you would rather live) and get state law advise from them.

For instants which state you divorce in is based on your “residency State requirement”, Meaning you have to live in a state for so long i.e. 60 days to say 6 months to be able to file in that state. But in a few states they have a 1 day “residency requirement” if you are living in a abusive relationship & file divorce that way. So check to see if they have something like this with regards to child custady in your families state (you had mentions that’s where you want to live in one of your post).

One day at a time…some days one hour or minute at a time. ???

Some shelters have arrangements with local vets or animal centers to house animals. So check with them to see if they can help make arrangements for free.

Yes, you need to have all your ducks in a row before you leave because no doubt he will file for full custody. This is why it’s important to document his behavior now so that you have it ready for court.

Absolutely talk with the advocate. One day at a time. Hugs to you. ?

Dear takenmylifebac,

I know this is very hard, but keep your eyes on the goal and just think of the facts. the things he has done to you and how he has treated you are not normal or acceptable no matter what! You would not be on this website if it were! You will be ok. Just stay calm and do your best to get away from him and into shelter. Your sadness and loneliness and fear are all normal, if you didn’t feel those things I would wonder why…

of course you are sad, you are sad that this is happening, you are sad that this has to happen, you are sad that you were married to this guy and you had a child with him and that your hope and illusions were a fallacy.
i m sorry, you have to feel this way, i feel the same as the others have and do on this website. it really stinks but things will get better, you can do it , you are very strong , i can tell

Be strong for your daughter, your the only one who can protect her

Good Job! You just went through the hardest part I think ! What you will miss is what you were used to … try to stay away and see how much more relaxed and happy and at peace you are when you are away from him . I think the only way to see clearly is to get away from it.. I’m still in my mess bevause I am waiting a bit more more when he goes away for business trips , I can’t help but notice that I am a differevt person . I am so much more happy .. stay strong .. good job !

Try not to answer him or reply to his texts , record everything .. maybe what he says can help you in court .❤️

Great Job ! You are so brave and smart , he is just mad that you are bevause you are showing him that you aren’t under his control anymore ! Best of luck for gett No your cats back and for the next step ❤️

Best wishes to you.

Hi takenmylifeback, HUGE HUGS TO YOU!!? You should be so proud of yourself for taking your power back! You made incredible steps this week for your mental, emotional & physical freedom!! BRAVO!! YOU ARE STRONGER THEN YOU THINK!! ???

I know it’s been so emotionally hard for you these past few weeks deciding to leave or not, calling the abuse center, educating yourself on what you are really enduing (Lovefraud). But, YOU did it!! You are making steps to peace & calm in your life again!

Right now the hardest part once leaving is following the “No contact rule” (google this & research this here on love fraud” also “grey rock). This man loves to push your buttons or anyones buttons for that matter. This is what sociopath narcissist & narcissist love to do. Just like a cat playing with a mouse. Dont let him push your buttons & the only way to do this is to not read his lying manipulative emails & post or answer his calls. Not an easy thing to do but it IS the ONLY way to find peace & more forward.

Watch Steven Hassan Freedom of mind videos on you tube. He is a cult & domestic abuse expert. You were in a domestic cult. Your ex was the cult leader & you were his cult follower. Once this sinks in you can see the full extent of his brain washing & mind control. And you can see that you need to unravel his brain washing lying manipulate words. How do you do this? by reading & educating yourself on his horrible behavior & personality disorder. Steven Hassan site is Freedom of mind resource center. Donna here at love fraud has posted an article about his book. His book helped me tremendously when I first left…a huge light bulb moment to what I was dealing with, with regards to sociopath brain washing by my ex h.

I know it was agonizing to leave your precious baby (your cat) behind, I know this was painful but in time I know you will reunite when him/her. The stress of a toxic house hold affects our animals so not only did you save your spirit, your daughter spirit but also your little furry loved one spirits. They are going to love their new life you will create for them!! ??

Keep posting so we know you are ok now emotionally.

We are so proud of you for taking amazing steps into the bright sunshine of life!! ?

Hugs to you!!? Take care.

that is sad. animal communicator Amelia kincade says animals can communicate in many ways. maybe he will come to you in a dream.

takenmylifebac, oh gosh hon this is terrifying. so sorry I did not see this post earlier. This is a perfect example of why you needed to leave this guy. If he is threatening your cat then he will do the same to you & your child. Glad you had the strength to leave him!!

Praying that you get your cat back.

Takenmylifeback, you have done so much to break free from this man in such a short time. You should be so proud of yourself!! Bravo!?

It’s hard to break free emotionally from the abuser. This is why a restraining order is good…it prevents YOU from contacting him too. This gives you time to get your body physically back working correctly (heal your adrenal glands) & your mind thinking correctly gain from all the stress you endured.

I’m sorry that he is taking you back to court. this is what they do!! They want power & control over their victims, even if it means to take them to court. See about getting a court appointed “wizard” to help you out with child custody. The word “court wizard” is used in some state courts. The are basically court mediators and will allow you to have some peace in your mind when dealing with a high conflict person like your ex.

Also look into the book: Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder Paperback – July 1, 2011
by Bill Eddy (Author),‎ Randi Kreger

I have not read this book, but have seem many posting with regards to it being excellent. It’s posted on Amazon where you can read over 200 positive remarks from readers.

Also the book (amazon) One moms battle by Tina Swiften. She has a site.

It’s not easy to leave a abuser. But you did it! Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder Paperback – July 1, 2011
by Bill Eddy (Author),‎ Randi Kreger (AuthoYou should be so proud. Your daughter & you now will have more peace in your life. It will be difficult at times because of child custody. But you are FREE hon!! That is powerful!! You took back your power!! Bravo!!

You are stronger then you think!! ??

Remember The retaining order = No contact Rule.

Here is an article as to why it’s important to follow the no contact rule:

“Why Initiate a”No Contact” Rule When Leaving a Narcissistic Relationship

breakingfreeofchainsNo contact is initiated as a way of breaking the psychic emotional bonds between you and a narcissistic partner, friend or family member. If you have been involved with a narcissistic person for any length of time you will undoubtedly have a strong attachment to that person. This attachment needs to be weakened which will happen much more quickly once you engage the rules of “no contact.”

I am referring to the rules of “no contact” as RULES but these are only enforced by you. These are your rules! If you break these rules you are the one who pays the consequences. And…there are most definitely consequences that come in the form of emotional pain and re-attachment.

No contact gives you the space and time to get your energy back into your life. It can be challenging at first as you may have to resist the urge to answer the phone, return an Email or make that call. You must get into the habit of policing yourself for your own good.

Imagine that you have two different aspects of yourself; a parent self and a child self. The parent self will have to police the child self to be sure she doesn’t do anything that will hurt her. You know intellectually that breaking the rules of “no contact” will hurt that child, so you stop her from doing so, even though she is throwing a tantrum.

Making a decision to cut off contact with a narcissistic personality when leaving the relationship is an important part of your recovery process. The decision to initiate “NO Contact” is a decision for your health and sanity.

When you remain in contact you continue to engage in the relationship on some level and are still affected by its craziness and dysfunction. You will normally continue to be affected by the hot and cold behavior of the narcissist, be pulled in and pushed away, confused and hurt. You will continue to be drained energetically which results in depression and lethargy.

The best remedy for getting yourself back is to stop giving your energy to the relationship in any way. You can only dry off when you take your feet out of the water. Don’t allow the narcissist access to you and your energy!

Of course there are cases where ‘no contact” is not possible due to the involvement of children or when the narcissistic personality is a direct family member. However even in these cases contact can be greatly limited and sometimes all contact can be through a third party mediator. See my article “When No Contact Can’t Work” for more info.

Here are the rules of No Contact:

1) Once you have made the decision to end the relationship get your business taken care of immediately, if possible. If you are married and going through a divorce you will need to initiate the divorce right away or make the decision to put it on hold for six months to a year while you take care of yourself and your family. During that time you can initiate “no contact” and then initiate the divorce paperwork, through an attorney when you are stronger. Let the narcissist in your life know that you are ending the relationship and won’t be in communication with him for a while. Ask him to please refrain from calling, text messaging, emailing, instant chat or stopping by your home or workplace.

2) Taking care of business involves getting your possessions, giving him his possessions. Getting separate living quarters, separating bills and anything that would give you a reason to contact him or for him to contact you. If necessary use a third party mediator.

3) Clean out your home and get rid of any memorabilia having to do with your ex-narcissistic partner. If you are having issues throwing something away or burning it, put it in a big box, tape it up and store it somewhere where you won’t see it. If you are comfortable burning sage or incense this can help clear the energy of your home. Also burning candles is a good way to shift the energy.

4) Make no arrangements for personal meetings. If he stops by, don’t answer the door. If you see him in public, put your sunglasses on, avoid eye contact and move past him as quickly as possible.

5) Make or accept no phone calls. If he calls, don’t answer the phone. If he calls from an unidentified number and you hear his voice on the other end, hang up without saying a word. He’ll get the message. If he leaves a voice mail message try and erase it without listening if you can. If he is persistent, consider having your phone number changed. This is your sanity we are talking about. It is priceless.

6) Make or accept no text messages, emails, or instant chat. It is best to block his emails and even consider having your own email address changed so he won’t have your information. This prevents him emailing you from an unknown address.

7) If you are on any mutual community Websites, you will want to stop visiting those sites. Do not access his Web pages, profiles, social media, or anything that will give you current info on him. What he is doing is none of your business. What you are doing is none of his.

8) If you have friends in common, you will want to let them know that you are avoiding any and all contact with him at this time so you can focus on your healing and you request that they NOT share any information about him with you nor any information about you with him. If you find mutual friends do not support your request you will want to avoid contact with them for a time. Do not allow anyone to tell you that what you are doing is crazy, silly, stupid, childish or invalidate your decision in any way. This is a time to surround yourself with people who support you and let go of people who don’t.

9) If you work with him, in the same office building, same company, etc.. Same rules apply. If you are forced to do business with him, keep all communication strictly business and don’t allow him to engage you in any other way. Remember: He no longer has access to you or your energy.

10) If you have children with him you are best to engage a mediator for all contact. Narcissistic people will often use the children as a way to get to you. You may consider asking a family member or good friend to act as the mediator for young children. If your kids are old enough to handle their own business, let them work out the details of any visits directly with the other parent and communicate with you to be sure you approve. Be careful not to use your children to punish the narcissistic parent. The kids will be the ones being affected. In some cases when the narcissistic parent realizes he has no control over you and using the kids doesn’t work, he may bow out altogether and you may rarely hear from him. So it is important that you don’t allow him access to you, even if you have kids. Keep it strictly business.

How Long Must No Contact Last?

No contact should remain in affect until you feel the bond has been completely severed. This can take several years so be prepared to continue “no contact” for a long time. Most will find once that bond is severed there is no need or desire to see that person, but the rules can soften a bit at this point so if you run into him on the street you may say “hello” and be kind, but not engage in any “real” conversation. If you have kids together you may be able to communicate directly at some point in the future, although there is absolutely no guarantee this will work well.

Once you have moved on, down the road, you will want to be careful not to make the mistake of believing maybe he/she has changed. The likelihood of any real change is very small. Always assume he or she is the same person as always. Even if change was possible, your trust in the narcissist has already been severely damaged and you would never likely be fully trusting again. This is no way to have a relationship. You deserve to have someone you can trust completely in your life.”

takenmylifeback – Great news! I am so glad that you are moving forward. Stay strong!

taken Wonderful news!!

Takenmylifebac, so glad that you are ok! Also glad that your ex is showing the world what you had to endure behind closed doors. Yes, they always end up dropping their mask.

Wishing you all the best!! (thanks for the update).

takenmylifebac, you are so welcome!! ? What sociopaths never count on, is victims getting together to lift each other up. Thanks to Donna & Terry, we have a wonderful support site & network to lift each other up , educate ourselves & heal together!! Powerful! ? All of those days & nights we felt so alone, only to some how find the strength to reach out for help! Bravo to you in your darkest days & nights for reaching out for help. POWERFUL moments for all of us. We are stronger then we know! ?

Huge hugs to you also!! You should be so incredibly proud of yourself for making unbelievable strides to crawl out of hell & into the day light!! BRAVO!! It brings me great joy to see how far you have come!! ???

Wishing you all the best with your amazing new freedom!! ?

Takenmylifeback – thanks for the update! Sending you warm thoughts and courage! Let us know how you make out.

taken- Thanks for the update and the very good news!!

SG