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Denial of it all

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This topic contains 102 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by  Jan7 1 month, 1 week ago.

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  • #43623

    takenmylifeback
    Participant

    I have known for a while my fiance is a narcissist but with all of the books and articles I have heard I still hear some stories and descriptions and think “oh well maybe he isn’t a narcissist because that doesn’t sound like him” even though I KNOW everything they say is him to a T but those few small things. I am no longer in love with him but I still give excuses and fall into his pity party traps. I left him once for 2 weeks and I thought his claims of being a changed man and transformation into a respectable husband was true and I came back. I am ready to leave again but In the back of my mind I am so afraid that I will once again allow him to lure me back in.
    I’m such a strong person and I was once a figment of the woman I once was but kidnapped out of his negative trace 3 years ago and I have grown so so much away from the nothing I was turning into. As much as I don’t want to see him hurt and nothing is going wrong right now I just want out. He has cheated but is not currently cheating but there is just nothing left in me to give this relationship. How do you leave with no contact when you have their daughter AND he will do everything to keep her from me just to spite me or make it seem like he is doing the right thing for her.
    I think this post is a reflection of my thoughts lol it’s so all over the place

  • #43627

    Donna Andersen
    Keymaster

    takenmylifeback – If you stay, it will never get better, and it will certainly get worse – plus, you will continue to lose more and more of yourself.

    When he claims he is a “changed man,” know that it will only last until you are back in his clutches. As soon as you are hooked, all of the bad behavior will resume again.

    Having a child with him makes it difficult, but still the best thing you can do is leave. Keep reading Lovefraud. We have a lot of information about dealing with a sociopath and children. Here’s a start:

    10 tactics for child custody battles with sociopaths

  • #43641

    takenmylifeback
    Participant

    Thank you for the information! I read it and have also been doing alot of research in these personality disorder. I am aware of all the games and mind tricks played by them but I am Kat war in my mind over him… like one moment in ready to leave and get my life on track then the next minute I’m looking to giving him excuses and telling myself I’m just crazy. The self battle drives me just as crazy as he does lol

    I’m just curious if the battle is normal

  • #43646

    Donna Andersen
    Keymaster

    takenmylifeback – yes, it is normal. Most likely, he was wonderful when you first met – sociopaths usually are. That was the man you fell for, and you still remember that, hoping he will return.

    What you need to remember is that the wonderful man in the beginning was an ACT! It was a charade that he used to hook you. The lying cheater is the real man.

    These relationships are addictive. Literally – they have the qualities of addiction. That’s why leaving them is like kicking an addiction.

    When you make the move to get away, and stay away, you’ll find that the longer you are away from him, the more your mind will clear. Distance is key.

    • #43687

      takenmylifeback
      Participant

      Sadly there wasn’t much for him in the beginning he never hide who he was…. I thought he would change for me and when I tried leaving he would always cry and beg…so I felt bad…then things went back to the way they always were

  • #43682

    nancyw1234
    Participant

    taken my life back,

    25 yrs later married to this guy I am finally going to leave in the next few weeks, or file for divorce for that matter. I waited and stayed 12 yrs for two main reasons , after I finally figured out that something was wrong with him.
    The first being for the kids , I had 4 little ones, and the second because deep down I did not want the marriage t end and the family to break up and I remained in denial.
    The problem with waiting is that the kids grew up watching a dysfunctional marriage and watching their mother be diminished. Now my youngest who is a a 17 y/o boy , is treating me with such disregard and disrespect that it kills me every day. He has emulated his father.
    It is really hard to get out of that denial phase of what he is, trust me I still go there occasionally even after all he is done. It is so hard. But keep your eyes on the facts and if he has changed overall since the first time he did something . If he hasn’t , then you you have your answer. Don’t waste anymore time wondering. Keep your eyes on the facts, ignore your other feelings , only pay attention to your gut

    • #43686

      takenmylifeback
      Participant

      I’m so sorry for that and knowing this makes me sick to my stomach! I’m more worried right now because he now knows I’m leaving and wants to make my life hell and says he is filing for full custody of our daughter. If he does that and wins she will be ruined!

    • #45203

      takenmylifeback
      Participant

      Did you leave? I was reading over this thread again to see how far I have come and wanted to check on you 🙂

  • #43688

    takenmylifeback
    Participant

    As we speak he is throwing shit and yelling… I’m trying to record it all …

  • #43696

    nancyw1234
    Participant

    I’m sorry , are you ok?

  • #43697

    Jan7
    Participant

    takenmylifeback, if you have to call the police!!! Safety first!!

    I’m so sorry you are enduring this pain right now. Been there too & it’s terrifying to be in your position right now.

    In the morning call your local domestic abuse center & set up an appointment without your mate knowing. In the USA the National domestic violence center is 800-799-safe. YOU will be able to talk to a free counselor & also get local abuse center numbers.

    As your name states: TAKEN MY LIFE BACK…the time is NOW!!

    • This reply was modified 8 months, 3 weeks ago by  Jan7.
    • #43713

      takenmylifeback
      Participant

      Thank you so much! If he goes to work tomorrow I will call them! He has decided to take a leave of absence from his job until we fix this… ugh

  • #43698

    Jan7
    Participant

    please let us know that you are ok by posting tomorrow. Otherwise we will worry about you hon. Take care. We hear you!!!💜

  • #43712

    takenmylifeback
    Participant

    I am fine so sorry I didn’t think of finishing what I was saying … things have been rough and he is using our 5 year old baby girl as a pawn and telling her horrible things without a second thought 😢 …now again he wants to fix it.. in all honesty I just want out but in have to wait until my taxes come in so either way I’m stuck
    Sadly ibwont be able to take all of our things … my 2 oldest daughter’s live with their dad and leave things here that their dad won’t let them have over there and sadly they are going to lose all of it. My babies don’t deserve this and neither do I
    Thank you all for your support! 💖

  • #43723

    takenmylifeback
    Participant

    Today he was pretty silent… not normally like himself… still texting things to make me feel bad but not in my face or verbal…should I worry?

  • #43726

    Jan7
    Participant

    Hi takenmylifebac, so glad you are ok. Look at the site Onemomsbattle. com and also their Facebook page. This site deals with child custody & dealing with a narcissist. If you are going to chat on their Facebook page I would recommend that you open a fake email then a fake Facebook page so you can chat without your mate seeing things. Also on Facebook block out everyone so that you can speak freely.

    If you do a search on One moms battle here on love fraud you will find Donna’s write up & also a video interview with OMB site creator Tina Swiften.

    I’m sorry you are enduring so much. But there is help out with your National Domestic Violence hotline USA 800-799-SAFE (or search on net if not in the USA) and also here at love fraud home page “Yellow box” section & videos up at the top.

    Make an Exit Plan out of this relationship with the help of trust friends & family & the National Violence hotline & your local abuse center.

    It’s not easy to leave without help so reach out for help!

    Thats what sociopaths do = make us feel bad = so they have power & control over us. Take your power back by Leaving him. You ask “Should I worry”…with a socipath you always have to expect the worse this is why you should reach out for guidence with the National Domestic violence hotline & look a their site.

    Do a search on the net for:

    Domestic abuse exit plan
    Domestic abuse exit plan you tube
    Domestic abuse exit plan Dr Phil you tube
    Domestic abuse Safey plan

    YOU ARE STRONG! YOU CAN DO THIS!!

    HUGS TO YOU!!💜

    • #43731

      takenmylifeback
      Participant

      Thank you very much! It has been an emotional rollercoaster from hell today… He refuses to go to work …He HAS to go back Monday but it’s been exhausting for sure…even if I do just ignore him. There is no getting through to him and I’m starting to feel guilt and like alot of our problems may have been my fault. I am trying to stay strong! I will call the hotline tomorrow when my daughter is at school . I can’t thank you enough for your help!

  • #43733

    Jan7
    Participant

    You’re welcome Takenmylifebac!

    We have all been exactly where you are now. It’s not easy to leave but I can tell you with time, leaving him will be the greatest gift you ever gave yourself & your daughter.

    But to be SAFE please contact the National Domestic hotline & ask for help with an exit plan.

    Also the USA national domestic hotline has an excellent website and most countries.

    google: Domestic abuse cycle power & control wheel…this will explain the cycle “rollercoaster” ride that abusers put their mates thru.

    Most victims are emotionally, mentally & physically exhausted from all of the craziness the abuser inflects on the victims daily. So look after your health too. IT’s a vital part of healing from domestic abuse.

    On another site the site creator asked if any victims had had health problems during their toxic relationship. Over 400 victims responded YES!! The bulk of the health issues were symptoms of Adrenal fatigue. After I escaped my ex I was lucky enough to have a friend direct me to an Endocrinologist doctor who tested me & found that I had adrenal fatigue. I believe this is the root body health of PTSD.

    See sites like Adrenalfatigue. org & Drlam. com for a full symptoms list. (I have zero affiliation with these doctors except for the fact my doctor prescribed Dr Wilsons adrenal fatigue vitamins)

    A small list of adrenal fatigue symptoms:

    Racing mind
    sleep issues
    mood swings
    fatigue
    anxiety
    depression
    memory loss

    WE HEAR YOU!! 💜WE BELIEVE YOU!!💜 YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!💜

    Hugs to you!! take care! 🌺

    • This reply was modified 8 months, 3 weeks ago by  Jan7.
    • #43739

      takenmylifeback
      Participant

      Thank you! I’m doing my best to take care of myself at the moment… I have realized that I’m going to need to try to calm him down before I can leave meaning I have to make him think we can work things out… doesn’t that make me just as bad as him?

      I keep thinking how this mental and verbal abuse has gotten better over the years and still in denial because when we are good its really good but when he is in a bad mood it feels like crap when he is angry at me it turns verbally and mentally abusive. IM SORRY I feel like I’m going in circles in every aspect of this situation.

      I’m calling the hotline today I hope to gain some knowledge and just a voice of understanding and reason. My brain shut down last night around 9pm I was awake by 2am

      I wake up scared and worried but I still blame myself for feeling this way.and start to think the relationship really isn’t that bad and I’m just being over dramatic

      I can’t stand to know so many others have been throug h this and worse 😢

      Again thank you so much for your help!

  • #43740

    takenmylifeback
    Participant

    If you know that by you leaving the narcissist he is going to lose the apartment we are in at the moment (both of us are on the lease) that’s the 3rd broken lease on me since being with him. Should I pay the rent one last time to allow hi m time to get on his feet after I leave …I am pretty sure he wouldn’t do that for me but im just not a devious person.
    I still feel so guilty by knowijng I’ll be leaving him with no one and nothing.

  • #43769

    Jan7
    Participant

    Hi Takenmylifebac, Not sure what advise to give you with regards to your apartment. I would suggest you contract your local abuse center & make an appointment to talk with a counselor then ask the counselors. Im guessing that they deal with this situation everyday & would have much better direction for you.

    I think the biggest issue is will he damage the apartment if you leave, or refuse to leave and put you in a bind of paying his rent for a long time. OR he takes the security deposit & keeps it.

    If the abuse center does not have any advise take a friend or family member with you (as a witness) to speak with the landlord about getting out of the lease early.

    With a sociopath you never know how they are going to react so you must always expect the worse!! He could even move others into the apartment. Which could be a nightmare for you trying to get our deposit back on telephone, cable, electric, gas & apartment.

    I’m glad that you are thinking ahead of the game. This is what you have to to with a sociopath = be 100 steps ahead of them.

    I have also learned you can NEVER be nice to a sociopath especially at the end…they will never be normal or nice they will become extremely vindictive & spiteful.

    ps just want to let you know I was unfortunately married to a sociopath & we owned our home so I had to go thru divorce court which was a nightmare.

    • This reply was modified 8 months, 3 weeks ago by  Jan7.
  • #43772

    takenmylifeback
    Participant

    I’m not paying his rent. I just want out …I called the cops tonight because he put fear into my daughter and when I called the cops they were basically on his side … I’m going to the court to file for emergency temp custody because he is getting so vindictive!

    I am being forced to stay … the cops told me that the narcissist said I could go but the child would have to stay because we don’t have custody papers… so basically said I can leave but my daughter cant…I can’t leave her she was in tears thinking I was going to leave! … the cops allowed me and my daughter to leave for the night but said I have to go back tomorrow to work out a plan with the narcissist….. WHAT!? Even after I told you I don’t feel we are safe?

    Then the narcissist texts me and said..
    “well now that we know how that will go we can now talk about a real plan of saving this family. Like really sit down and make a plan. Because we both love each other and been through way to much to let this go. We’ve had good and bad and the bad is what is not supposed to be remembered”

    He has cut me out of pictures and hung them up on the wall for my daughter to see and punched holes in the wall and he scared her tonight. I’m so done and yet I have to go back!

    I have a plan so let’s pray that it works

    He thinks he has me! But staying isn’t an option anymore…

  • #43775

    takenmylifeback
    Participant

    I just read that I may not even be able to get temporary emergency custody… I’m stuck… I can’t leave the state where my support system is … I am still stuck living with him. Is this really even happening right now?

    I’m talking to a legal advocate on Monday I’ll give an update on that soon

    Thank you all again 💖

  • #43776

    Jan7
    Participant

    Takenmylifebac, I dont think the police have any jurisdiction over this situation until a judge decides in court. I dont think they can tell you where you have to live for your safety. So right now, just breath & talk with your local abuse center to get info what you can & cant do for your safety & your daughters safety.

    Stay calm is the most important thing also which is extremely hard given you are in a very vital home. DO NOT FIGHT WITH HIM in the home or anywhere right now…you will will not win (you never win a fight with a sociopaths they just keep twisting your mind around) the right its best to bit your tongue (which is not easy to do). Everything you say to him he will use in court against you so keep quite. Just go about your daily living.

    Your local abuse center most likely has emergency shelter for you & your daughter. So talk to them about this so that you can leave. And they can help you in court. Also it might be ok for you to leave the state since you do not have a court order for your safety but again talk with your local abuse center to learn the laws. Dont do anything until you talk to your local abuse center.

    I’m so sorry that you are enduring this nightmare. You are strong hon, I know right now it’s scary and you feel “stuck” but you are not. Talk to your local abuse center. Call the National Violence hotline 800-799-safe for help & local numbers.

    Hugs to you. 💜

    • This reply was modified 8 months, 3 weeks ago by  Jan7.
  • #43777

    Jan7
    Participant

    also open a fake email account and then open fake Facebook page to chat on the Facebook page One Moms battle. There is much support & they maybe able to guide you better. But what ever advise they give you please double check with the abuse center to see if its legal in your state.

  • #43778

    Jan7
    Participant

    Start Documenting everything in a journal!!! EVERYTHING!! & every detail i.e. time, date, where, etc. Ask your family to do the same with everything you tell them…this can be used in court.

  • #43785

    takenmylifeback
    Participant

    I called the hotline and they gave me the number to the local abuse center… they said to leave state I have to have a temporary custody order to leave state but have to be back here for court for custody. Thats all she said
    I’ll call Monday and talk to a legal advocate.

    I don’t think court looks at mental or emotional abuse as abuse… normally he doesn’t have hardly anything to do with her unless we are fighting he wants to show what a perfect father he is

    I will keep my mouth shut to him

    What types of things do I need to document?

  • #43786

    takenmylifeback
    Participant

    It’s like he has the memory of a high tech computer and I’m just in a fog…

    I’m no longer in denial… now I just want me and my daughter safe … her future lies in my hands and I feel like I’m failing

    I won’t give up though I have to figure this out …I’m step her than I have been led to believe i know my abuse isnt physical and there are worse situations but please keep us in your prayers

  • #43787

    takenmylifeback
    Participant

    He wrote me a letter saying that he doesn’t want to be a product of his past and he really wants to do what he can to change and become a better husband and father and he is so sorry and deeply hurt by how he acted….

    I already tore the hearts of my kids telling them thatg we are leaving and have burned every bridge I have…. if I stay with him I will never see my other 2 kids and no one will ever help me again

    I hate this… I don’t want everyone to give up on me especially my kids

  • #43792

    Jan7
    Participant

    You state:

    “It’s like he has the memory of a high tech computer and I’m just in a fog…”

    YES! your symptom of “fog” is sadly normal for an abuse victim. The stress you have been living under has stressed your adrenal glands & now they are releasing high levels of cortisol & adrenaline and messing with your hormones, blood pressure & blood sugar. Read up on symptoms of adrenal glands via the websites I listed above.

    It’s scary to be where you are at right now. Your mind has awaken from all of his brain washing & mind control & you want out. Just like a cult victims mind awakening from a Cult leader brain washing.

    It’s not that simple to leave if you are married or/and if you have children. So just do one step at a time, one day at a time…sometimes just one minute at a time or one hour at a time. When you feel stressed out put your hand on your heart and just feel your breathing. If you are breathing fast, take the time to take deep breaths and think of say a beautiful beach etc.

    You should be so proud of yourself for all the positive steps you are making out of this toxic environment. You are stronger then you know!! You can do this. Just know you dont have to do it alone. Get your families to look at love fraud & educate themselves on what you have been enduring. Get the help of your local abuse center & lawyer.

    You state: “What types of things do I need to document?”

    Example: on 1/20/18 at 10 am he called me “crazy” and continued to belittle me in front of our daughter for an hour because I asked him to help me with the dishes. I attempted to walk away only to have him follow me.

    What ever he says & does to you (physically hurts you or grabs you or pushes you up against the wall or corners you in a room so that you cant leave…DOCUMENT!! Also go back in the relationship for day one & document everything that he has said or done to you, your daughter or others.

    HIDE THIS DOCUMENT!! DO NOT LET HIM SEE IT FOR YOUR SAFETY!!!!

    CLEAR YOUR COMPUTER HISTORY EVERY TIME YOU USE IT. AND IF HE IS HOME CLEAR YOUR COMPUTER HISTORY SAY EVERY 10 MIN. TO KEEP YOU SAFE.

    If YOU can not hide the document in your home or on your computer then leave a journal at a trusted friends home or at the local abuse center.

    You state: “He wrote me a letter saying that he doesn’t want to be a product of his past and he really wants to do what he can to change and become a better husband and father and he is so sorry and deeply hurt by how he acted….:

    THIS IS PART OF THE CYLCE OF ABUSE…for days you have been living in hell with him even having to call the police. Now he is shifting to the lovebombing stage again to get you sucked back in only to have the tension & abuse cycle happen again.

    HIS WORDS ARE LIES…just look at how many times he has made you promises only to be broken.

    GOOGLE THE DOMESTIC ABUSE CYCLE POWER WHEEL. to read more about the cycle of abuse.

    How many more years of abuse are you going to settle for with this guy?

    You are going to survive & thrive without him in your life. It will be difficult at first but you will look back and know in time that the greatest gift you ever gave yourself & your daughter was your freedom. You will find peace & calmness again.

    Hugs to you!! 💜

  • #43793

    Jan7
    Participant

    Found on the net about Domestic abuse power wheel: “Domestic abuse is not all cuts and bruises. in order to end abuse in our families, or in our community, it is important to be aware of the entire range of behavior that could constitute abuse.

    To do this, Domestic Abuse Intervention Programs, in Duluth, created the Power and Control Wheel, a diagram that helps both victims and abusers identify all the behaviors that they have either experienced or utilized in their relationships. The wheel is separated into eight distinct categories:

    Intimidation is the act of making someone fearful or making someone feel inferior. In an unhealthy relationship, intimidation can be seen throughout a wide variety of actions and behaviors. Some of these include: pointed looks, body language, destruction of property, abusing pets, threats/implication of a threat, and displaying weapons.

    Emotional abuse is one of the most common forms of abuse and is characterized by frequent verbal attacks or put downs. These behaviors can include: name calling, insulting the victim, making the victim feel crazy or playing mind games, humiliating the victim, and making the victim feel guilty.

    Isolation in domestic violence is the act of cutting the victim off from the rest of the world, especially his or her potential support system. Behaviors include: controlling who the victim sees or interacts with, controlling what the victim does or where they go, limiting what the victim can read or watch on TV, attempting to ruin or distance relationships with friends or family, and using jealousy as a means to justify their abuse.

    Minimizing, denying, and blaming are all words that explain the abusers reasoning for the abuse. Perpetrators of domestic abuse often minimize the abuse by making light of the situation or blowing off the victim when they want to discuss it. Perpetrators of domestic abuse also frequently deny that the abuse occurred at all. Finally, perpetrators of domestic abuse shift responsibility for the abusive behavior onto the victim by saying that their actions forced their hand. They can use these tactics to both rationalize their own behavior as well as manipulate and control their partner by making them feel guilty, too sensitive, and/or crazy.

    Using children is another way for attackers to manipulate their victims. Perpetrators of domestic abuse use their children to make their partner feel guilty about leaving or wanting to leave. They can use their children to relay messages to their victim. Or perpetrators of domestic abuse can force their victims to stay by threatening to take away their children.

    Economic abuse is making one partner financially dependent on the other. Victims who are unable to support themselves, and possibly their children, are less likely to leave their partners.

    Perpetrators of domestic abuse can prevent their partners from getting jobs, make their partners ask for money, give their partners an allowance, take their partner’s money, spend their partners money before they get a chance to save or work towards any type of financial goals, or withhold information or access to family income.
    Male privilege is the social practice of men receiving benefits or advantages based solely on their gender. Whether consciously or not, male perpetrators use this logic to justify their abusive and domineering actions over their female partner. Examples of male privilege in perpetrators are treating the woman as a servant, and defining the “proper roles” for both men and women.

    Coercion and threats are commonly used. Perpetrators of domestic abuse can threaten violence or physical harm, threaten to leave the victim, or threaten to commit suicide if the victim was to leave them.

    These types of behaviors, in isolation, appear negligible. Yet, abusive relationships are marked by a repeated use of these behaviors, reinforcing one another and increasing asserting power and control over the victim. By identifying these various signs sooner we may be able to break the cycle and save more victims from an unnecessarily tragic fate.”

    • This reply was modified 8 months, 3 weeks ago by  Jan7.
  • #43795

    takenmylifeback
    Participant

    I read this as he is unpacking my things back into the closet I’m almost physically sick to my stomach because we were so close to being out! I will try to go back and document different moments in time but dates will be difficult. I will document it all on my phone it’s the o my boundary I have managed to instill

    I truelt can’t thank you enough for the support!

  • #43796

    Jan7
    Participant

    Please know that the most dangerous time for a woman in a abusive relationship is when she is ready to leave or has just left. So please get your local abuse center to help you with an Exit Plan & Safety plan.

  • #43797

    Jan7
    Participant

    Hi takenmylifebac, he is sensing that you are leaving for good. So be very careful hon. It’s so scary to be where you are now. I had to do the same when I was finally done with our marriage = bit my tongue & be very covert about my plans.

    It was difficult to do both. Sometimes I was not good with bitting my tongue just before I left. Wish I would have been educate like you. Like you, my mind was finally awaken & realized I needed out. I had no support because my ex h isolated me so much both physically from family & friends & also mentally with fear of telling everyone. I remember driving 3000 miles away and within the first hour of the trip having a feeling weight literally lift of my shoulders.

    You will be free soon. Just take steps everyday. And be proud of yourself! Be patient with your self too! Protect you & your daughter every step of the way by doing this very covertly with the help of your local abuse center.

    • #43800

      takenmylifeback
      Participant

      I bet that was hard 😢 I have taught myself to do well with keeping calm but it escalates if I don’t answer or just want him to leave me alone to my thoughts.

      Like now he is sulking and making me feel so bad because he was changing his behaviors but apparently it wasn’t enough for me. I’m just so ready to get this overwith

  • #43798

    Jan7
    Participant

    ps You’re welcome 🌺 IF it’s not danger keep posting here so we know you are ok. But if he is sensing you are chatting on line then stop for a few days. You can also go to a friends home to use their computer or your local library has computers that you can use for free.

  • #43799

    takenmylifeback
    Participant

    One more question… should I be “working on things” with him until I can get out?

  • #43802

    takenmylifeback
    Participant

    He has 2 domestic violence charges on his record will this help with me getting custody you think?

  • #43812

    Jan7
    Participant

    Takenmylifebac, you have to fake that you are staying with him until you have everything in order to exit safely out of this relationship. This is why it’s important to work with your local abuse center. They deal with this everyday. It’s not easy to fake it. Trust me, I just wanted to get in my car and drive away but like you I had to make arrangements out. I made my mistakes on not planning an EXIT PLAN out because I was not educated on what I was dealing with nor did I get help from the abuse center. This is why I keep advising you to get help from your local center. The center would have made my exit much easier & I wouldn’t have felt so alone.

    I would highly recommend that you go & talk with a local abuse center counselor (for free) and also attend the women group meetings BEFORE you leave SECRETLY from your bf. I did this after I left & while in counseling not related to the abuse center. The women group meetings were eye opening. It was one of the best things that I did when I left.

    The first group meeting there were about 40 women. The counselor asked each of us to tell our stories. The first time I went I could not speak I was so broken. 35 stories were almost identical to mine. It was quite shocking because for over 12 years of marriage I felt alone. I felt like I was the only one on this planet in this situation & didnt know how to get out. Yes, many times I knew I was being abused emotionally, physically, mentally etc but my ex was masterful at knowing just how much he could push me before I would leave him and he knew exactly who to manipulate me back into the relationship via love bombing etc. This is part of the cycle of abuse. Seems like you bf know how to do this also. i.e. love letter & unpacking your things.

    You feel like you are not only walking on egg shells all day long but you feel like you are spinning on a hamster wheel to no where ville.

    Just when you think everything is “normal again”….nope…here comes Mr Crazy & his chaos & drama. It’s a nightmare…you live this now.

    I can just tell you from my own experience that it does not get better, ever, with a sociopath, but instead they turn up the meter to the next level of abuse once they get you to come back into the relationship after a fight…the next level of crazy continues to break your spirit down, not to mention your daughters spirit…the next level of drama makes you want to give up & feel stuck. And each time they are sucking the life out of you even more until you crawl your way out of hell.

    You see this now…you are ready to leave. DONT LET HIS MANIPULATIVE WORDS & LOVE BOMBING LETTERS SUCK YOU BACK IN TO HELL. You are right now able to walk out of this relationship once you have everything in order. But if you stay he will make sure you pay for attempting to leave him. This is the cycle of abuse wheel. tension building, abuse then calm the tension building, abuse then calm. This cycle can happen 100’s of times…it can happen many times throughout the day.

    You must realize that your bf is using you. For what? seems like a place to live? for sex, for your money (?), to screw with your mind for fun. Sociopath use everyone. My ex too used me for my money, for sex, for a cover, to screw with for fun, to break a person down etc.

    Is this really the life you want? For the rest of your life?

    My ex would come home literally & start yelling at me over what?..who the hell knows…it was a game. Never in my life had I been around anyone like this. He would pin me up against the wall & scream at me like a drill sergeant, if I asked him to slow down on an ice road, he would speed up & start to cut in & out of other traffic to terrify me & it worked, and it just got worse & worse & worse the longer I stayed. I’m not telling you this for sympathy, Im telling you this because this is after I tried to leave him after I found out about an affair. I look back and can not believe I stayed because his craziness & drama was off the charts.

    But sociopath know how to play the game..and you dont know you are playing a game, let alone the rules to the game because a sociopath will keep changing the rules to keep you off guard = so they can control you & have power over you.
    WHY?

    Because sociopath get bored & want to have fun and will screw with peoples minds. Is your bf like this too?

    That Love letter is “Love bombing” (do a search here on Lovefraud for this.

    He is also using “Sociopath pity play manipulation” to get you to feel sorry for him. DONT!!! (do a search on “Sociopath pity play manipulation here at love fraud & on the net)

    I never wanted to date my ex h…never want to move in with him, never wanted to marry him…I want to leave him everyday. My gut alarm was going off the second I meet him. But I stayed for over 12 years of marriage. I wasted 12 plus years of my life. If I could go back & listen to my gut & run, I would. He showed me who he was the second I met him…durign the meeting I thought he was “a tornado” the second time meeting him I thought he was “crazy”…well guess what he is!! The original term for sociopath was Morally insane.

    YOU are wasting your life if you are living with a narcissist or a sociopath narcissist. It’s better to be alone raising your daughter then be in hell.

    I’m so proud of you for searching for answers on the net..and finding Lovefraud. And most importantly having the courage to post. I’m also so proud of you for making huge steps in leaving him. For calling the hotline. Keep making steps soon you will be running into your new life!!

    • #43815

      takenmylifeback
      Participant

      You are an angel! 💖

      I am going to try to get away tomorrow to call the abuse center

      Reading your story makes me think maybe I’m wrong about my situation (i know its just old habits coming back of giving him excuses) his rage is bad not as bad as what you had to endure and I’m so sorry you had to deal with that. 💖

      I still feel guilt like maybe I am making the wrong decision is that normal? Even though you KNOW it’s not ever going to change?

      I also didn’t want to be with him or move in with him or any of that when we first met… I don’t want to say it was out of pity but something was there where I felt I had to save him because I was giving him money and car rides buying his groceries and paying for his food all in the beginning. Now it’s 9 years later and I don’t offer much to him so I’m not sure what he gets from me. I don’t work, I cook every now and then, I have lost my sex drive, I’m not sure what is left to offer

      My 2 older kids are only allowed at my house because papers state my ex cant keep them from me. They used to live with us but their dad and I agreed it was in their best interest to live with him for a while. My ex’s definition of a while is when I leave this relationship because of everything that has happened… fighting, “kicking us out” but soon after apologizing and telling us he is sorry

      He has cheated on me once that I know of rendezvous style while I was at a friend’s wedding… when I left him the last time I found out and broke no contact to tell him off about the news of his cheating and guess what!? It was my fault I felt guilty and came back
      Just like how he is still trying to make me feel guilt for what is going on now. Telling me “you did this…you made it this way” then asking what He did to deserve this and has acted depressed for 2 days now.

      To see you say you are proud of me is such an amazing feeling thank you! 😊 I can imagine you help a lot of people in their darkest times 💖

  • #43813

    Jan7
    Participant

    You ask: He has 2 domestic violence charges on his record will this help with me getting custody you think?

    I’m guessing YES. But I dont know how the court factors this in. I would recommend when you have time to get copies of these charges so that you have them for custody court. Hide the copies at a trusted friends home so that you are safe. You might also ask the Abuse center if they can get copies & keep them for you.

  • #43814

    Jan7
    Participant

    Also look up this term here at love fraud & on the net:

    Idolization, devalue, discard

  • #43822

    takenmylifeback
    Participant

    He is being a great person right now …this is the times I love him most … I’m hurting so much knowing I’m going to be taking our daughter and running away… my .ind keep saying its easier for everyone if i stay …but knowing when we de ide to fight agaij it will be that same crap.

    Plus how is it so easy to over look all that he has done? Cutting me out of picturesand hanging it for our 5 year old to see (it broke her heart) and yelling he hates me in front of our daughter. It hurts thinking about this stuff.
    My daughter’s are going to think this treatment is ok and I don’t want that 😢😢😢😢

  • #43824

    Jan7
    Participant

    Hi Takenmylifebac,

    you ask: “I still feel guilt like maybe I am making the wrong decision is that normal?”

    YES!! I talked myself out of leaving for over 12 years. I came up with every reason that I should stay. But now that I am free there is no way in hell I would ever let that evil man back in my life.

    Right now you are just fearful of possibly being alone, making the wrong decision, about a father figure for your daughter, etc etc.

    With time & being around good people again you will see that his behavior is NOT NORMAL.

    It is NOT normal to “rage” against someone during a disagreement!!!

    It is NOT normal to “throw” things around during a fight!!

    It is not normal to feel fear when having an disagreement!!

    Yet this is what you are living in = fear = walking of egg shells not to set him off again = NOT NORMAL.

    He has trained you to accept his horrific & terrifying behavior. You right now think it’s ok BUT IT”S NOT OK!!

    You state in your first post:

    “..“oh well maybe he isn’t a narcissist because that doesn’t sound like him” even though I KNOW everything they say is him to a T but those few small things…”

    YOU KNOW WHO HE IS! YOU KNOW HE WILL NOT CHANGE!! YOU WANT OUT! How do I know this? Because you have written this in your post here. Re=read your post!!

    You state: “Reading your story makes me think maybe I’m wrong about my situation (i know its just old habits coming back of giving him excuses) his rage is bad not as bad as what you had to endure”

    YOUR SITUATION IS JUST AS BAD AS MINE. Right now he has you in the “Lovebombing” stage i.e. Idolization stage to trick you into staying. It’s all a con game to these con artist. DONT get conned again. You searched for answers to his horrible behavior towards you & your daughter and it lead you to lovefruad = LISTEN TO YOUR GUT of why you searched for answers!! it’s telling you the truth!!

    KEEP READING EVERYTHING HERE TO OPEN YOUR MIND UP FROM HIS BRAIN WASHING, MIND CONTROL, GAS LIGHTING ABUSE (do a search on this here at LF & on the net).

    WATCH THE VIDEOS UP AT THE TOP UNDER THE “VIDEO TAB” EVERY TIME YOU HAVE DOUBT. Dont look at my situation & think its not the same as yours = it is!! Right now you just have doubt. Which is very normal with dealing with a narcissist or sociopath.

    You State:

    “I also didn’t want to be with him or move in with him or any of that when we first met… I don’t want to say it was out of pity but something was there where I felt I had to save him because I was giving him money and car rides buying his groceries and paying for his food all in the beginning.”

    BINGO!! My ex h did the same exact thing hon. I did not want to date him, move in with him or marry him & everyday I was married I wanted to leave. He is a masterful con artist. I witness him doing this to everyone he meet.

    Your gut was screaming at you not to date him, or move in with him!! LISTEN TO YOUR GUT NOW!!

    Google” “Oprah Gavin Debecker you tube” and watch your interview on listening to your gut. Gavin Debecker is the author of Gift of fear and he reminds us to NEVER weaver from our gut instinct. We have this alarm system for a reason = to PROTECT us & our children!!

    You state: “Now it’s 9 years later and I don’t offer much to him so I’m not sure what he gets from me. I don’t work, I cook every now and then, I have lost my sex drive, I’m not sure what is left to offer”

    You offer him POWER & CONTROL OVER YOU! That is what sociopath & narcissist ultimately want! He has you jumping thru hoops without you even realizing it. Right now he is playing you with his love bombing & his ranging.

    If a friend did what he did to you, would you keep that friend in your circle?

    My guess is NO!! More like HELL no!!

    Dont settle because you feel it’s the “easiest way” it’s not, you are sacrificing your life and most importantly you daughters life.

    I’ll write more later. Take care.

  • #43825

    Jan7
    Participant

    ps: “Cutting me out of picturesand hanging it for our 5 year old to see (it broke her heart) and yelling he hates me in front of our daughter.”

    I dont even know where to begin with this crazy behavior of his. Seriously this is scary to me!! Please protect yourself & your daughter by getting help. DOCUMENT this & if you can take pictures for court. But only if you can do it safely & store them safely.

  • #43827

    takenmylifeback
    Participant

    He is asking for answers as to why I would do this stuff to him… I’m completely perplexed on how he can continue to feel like this even though my older 2 daughter’s may not even be allowed at this house ever again .

    This is just one quote from him to me about 20 mins ago
    “Was it your goal to completely destroy me? Was it your goal to beat me down, weaken me, or where you showing me you were in control, usng my daughter against me? I don’t get it why would you do this to me? Why would you rip my daughter away from me if it was something I did in the past? I don’t get it…”

    Then he said “answer me god damn it! Talk to me”

    Now he is saying he is a broken man and I succeeded at whatever I was trying to do to him

    How do I respond?

  • #43830

    Jan7
    Participant

    takenmylifebac, I’m not sure how you should respond to him. Try to switch the subject back to daily life instead of talking about the “relationship”.

    Sociopath are masterful at using “sociopath blame shifting”, “sociopath projection” and also know what you are thinking (i.e. about to leave) and instead of allowing you to feel your thoughts they will say them to you as if that’s how they feel but it’s really how you the victim are feeling. It again, is part of their con game. Look these terms up.

    Do you think he has access to your computer to see your history? maybe he is reading up here at love fraud. It’s very common for a sociopath to cross boundaries & snoop to keep control over their victim. Be careful now.

    • This reply was modified 8 months, 3 weeks ago by  Jan7.
    • #43835

      takenmylifeback
      Participant

      Yes he tells me what I’m thinking before I ever even have a clear thought about it.

      I am going to be looking these terms and videos up tonight

      I have to go for now but I will write again soon! Thank you so very much! 💖💖💖

  • #43832

    Jan7
    Participant

    If anyone else has advise for Takenmylifebac please share.

  • #43833

    Jan7
    Participant

    Takenmylifebac, one thing you have to come to terms with, is the fact you are not dealing with someone with rational thinking. So you have to stop trying to analysis why he does stuff & just come to terms with that is & always will be his pattern of behavior. Once you let go of trying to figure out his way of thinking it’s much easier to walk away.

    For 12 years I keep trying to give my ex h a chance…making excuse for his behavior. Once I came to terms with the fact he is who he is showing me…I was able to let go. He was never going to change. He will be abusive to his next girlfriend, mistress and wives.

  • #43834

    Jan7
    Participant

    Takenmylifebac, do a search up at the top right corner of LF with these words: “Confusion: The top warning sign of an abusive relationship” and watch this video a few times!

    In the video Donna Anderson (LF site creator) is interviewing Mary Ann Glynn a therapist (not sure of her official title). This interview is EXCELLENT at breaking down a abusive relationship. The biggest thing to take away is the “confusion” that a victim feels in the abusive relationship. This is your right now. Confused. I was so confused too. Trying harder to be a better wife, but nothing worked. He was training me much like a dog is trained to jump thru hoops to please him. Nothing was ever going to please him because it was a game to him.

    Also watch the videos up at the top of LF under the video tab every time you want to stay with this abuser.

    Look under the posting section. Donna has just posted a new post where Mary Ann Glynn will be giving a free counseling group session over the net. IF you can watch but only if you are safe to do so. It’s best to get out of the house & watch it at a trusted friends home.

    • #43837

      takenmylifeback
      Participant

      Thank you so much for the resources! I got to look through a couple of things. Let’s hope he finds a job soon so I can get things started

      Thank you again! 😊

    • #43849

      takenmylifeback
      Participant

      You said
      In the video Donna Anderson (LF site creator) is interviewing Mary Ann Glynn a therapist (not sure of her official title). This interview is EXCELLENT at breaking down a abusive relationship.

      I couldn’t find this interview I will continue to search

      I called the abuse center and they have an advocate calling within the week

  • #43844

    takenmylifeback
    Participant

    After everything in have listened to and read I still feel so much guilt and remorse. Him being sad is killing me. Why do I care so damn much. I feel so alone and have no one near me to keep me grounded. He doesn’t have a job at the moment so I can’t call an advocate or prepare anything. I still feel so lost.
    I’m going to go back and read everything in this tread and make sure I’m not missing steps .. I just really wish this was over with

  • #43845

    takenmylifeback
    Participant

    After everything in have listened to and read I still feel so much guilt and remorse. Him being sad is killing me. Why do I care so damn much. I feel so alone and have no one near me to keep me grounded. He doesn’t have a job at the moment so I can’t call an advocate or prepare anything. I still feel so lost.
    I’m going to go back and read everything in this tread and make sure I’m not missing steps .. I just really wish this was over with

    I feels so much easier just to stay because he was making progress …but I still wasn’t happy and he was still so disconnected in our daily lifes

  • #43846

    takenmylifeback
    Participant

    After everything in have listened to and read I still feel so much guilt and remorse. Him being sad is killing me. Why do I care so damn much. I feel so alone and have no one near me to keep me grounded. He doesn’t have a job at the moment so I can’t call an advocate or prepare anything. I still feel so lost.
    I’m going to go back and read everything in this tread and make sure I’m not missing steps .. I just really wish this was over with

    It feels so much easier just to stay because he was making progress …but I still wasn’t happy and he was still so disconnected in our daily lives

    • #43854

      Jan7
      Participant

      Hi takenmylifebac,

      You state:

      “After everything in have listened to and read I still feel so much guilt and remorse. Him being sad is killing me. Why do I care so damn much”

      Why do you care? Because you are a good descent person. He is not. You are use to dealign with a normal mind person when you have a disagreement. But with a person who is a sociopath narcissist or narcissist they just keep twisting your mind up so that you dont even know which way is up or which way is down. So you keep trying harder to make the relationship work…you keep trying to fix this relationship.

      Some relationships are not fixable!! Some you must walk away to have peace & calmness in your life = a normal life.

      You state:

      “I feel so alone and have no one near me to keep me grounded. He doesn’t have a job at the moment so I can’t call an advocate or prepare anything. I still feel so lost.”

      EVERY VICTIM of abuse feels exactly how you feel right now, including me when I was with my ex h. one of the first things an abuser does is to isolate their target victim from family,friends, co workers, neighbors & anyone else in the victims life for several reasons:

      1) so that the target victim does not expose the abuser to the world

      2) to have full control over the target victim!! (power & control is what the sociopath wants ultimately!!).

      3) for the fun of it. Sociopaths love to play games & make people jump thru hoops.

      You state: “I’m going to go back and read everything in this tread and make sure I’m not missing steps .. I just really wish this was over with”

      YES!! Do this. Keep reading everything over & over & watch the videos up at the top when you are scared, crying, angry etc They will open up your mind from your mates brain washing & mind control (literally he is doing this to you everyday to control your mind just like a cult leader does to his cult followers)

      You state:

      “It feels so much easier just to stay because he was making progress …but I still wasn’t happy and he was still so disconnected in our daily lives”

      Been there too…stayed 12 years and he & his crazy drama abuse just got worse & worse. Right now your body is releasing larges amounts of adrenaline & cortisol = stress hormones. So you want to stay just to calm your body down. It is normal during a breakup for the body to release large amounts or adrenaline & cortisol but with a abusive relationship your body is continually releasing larger amounts of cortisol & adrenaline daily. SO you are seeking out calmness & in your mind you think it would be calmer (easier) to just stay but guess what the environment you & your daughter are living will NEVER be a calm environment. Best to get out now and over time your body will calm down. See the info above with regards to “adrenal fatigue” I posted in another post.

      I just want you to know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE! reach out to your family & most trusted friends & tell them what is going on…tell them you need their help. Have the come to LF & educate themselves so they understand the magnitude of what you are going thru.

      Keep reaching out to your local abuse center also. Do a search on LF on the book “Husband, Liar, Sociopath” by O.N.Ward. This book is EXCELLENT. The author breaks down her experience with a sociopath husband very articulately. She has posted the full book week by week click on the 1 week then at the end of the post you can click on each week.
      🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺
      HUGS TO YOU!! YOU ARE DOING AMAZING THINGS TO GET OUT OF THIS RELATIONSHIP. PAT YOURSELF ON THE BACK!! Bravo for making these steps for you & your daughter!!
      🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺

  • #43851

    Jan7
    Participant

    Hi Takenmylifebac, if you go to the upper right corner here at Lovefraud & do a search for:

    “Mary Ann Glynn Confusion”

    it should come up, but ***I will also move it to the top of the post on the “post section” (not the forum section) for you to read.

    So glad that you are making these huge important steps (calling the abuse center & educating yourself here at LF)!! You are strong!! You should be so proud of yourself for working on getting out of your abusive relationship!

    PLEASE DO NOT SHARE anything that you learn here at love fraud or other sites with your bf for your safety & your daughter safety. You must bit your tongue!! It’s not easy you want him to know you “know” who he is…but dont. Come here & vent if you need to get it off your mind.

    Also look at the site “psychopathyawareness. word press. com another great site to educate yourself.

    Hugs to you!

  • #43855

    takenmylifeback
    Participant

    I am venting here as much as possible lol that’s where all of this is c9ming from. I feel if I can get it out there maybe someone will make since of it all or confirm what I’m feeling so far you have helped tremendously and I thank you so very much

    Right now he said if I leave with his daughter he will kill himself then 2 mins later stated “if you leave with her I will fight for full custody and that’s a battle you won’t win”

    • #43856

      Jan7
      Participant

      takenmylifeback, you are in a very dangerous situation! Please be extremely carful not to set him off into a rage. If you feel unsafe get out with your daughter tomorrow & ask the local abuse center for emergency shelter. Have their number set in your phone under an “friends” name.

      He is showing his true colors to you right now. His mask is slipping.

      DO NOT TALK ABOUT LEAVING HIM WHEN YOU TAlK WITH HIM NOW & DO NOT TALK ABOUT WHAT YOU HAVE LEARNED ON THIS SITE OR ANY OTHER SITE ABOUT HIS BEHAVIOR…return ALL conversations to every day life conversation. Do not tell him you are leaving him! BIT YOUR TONGUE & pretend that you want to stay with him.

      DO NOT FIGHT WITH HIM…you will not win an argument with him, so dont start or get involved in one with him. Let him push your buttons without getting into an argument with him (not easy but do it for your safety & your daughters!!). He wants to get a rise out of you. Just tell him you love him & you want to work on the relationship.

      National domestic violence hotline 800-799-SAFE.

      • #43865

        takenmylifeback
        Participant

        I noticed it slipping he was about to get into a rage. He said “you either stay and work on things or you become non existent (never having meant anything to him)
        After a few more questions for him i started seeing is true true colors I said ok let’s work on things.
        He immidiatly calmed down and said “good choice… everything you have done to me from 9 years ago to now has now been forgiven and I won’t bring it up again” ……

  • #43871

    takenmylifeback
    Participant

    I feel like my heart is beating out of my chest and I’m pacing the house all day thinking about all the things my kids and I are about to lose and all that I’m going to have to do .. I’m not able to leave yet which is hard.

    this is torture

  • #43885

    takenmylifeback
    Participant

    I have been reading up on custody and all that is required I will be looking into getting a lawyer but the advocate hasn’t called me back yet. I’m not sure the best way to document what all has transpired between me and the father. 9 years is a long time

    I’m also still not sure how exactly I’m getting out of here 😢

  • #43886

    Jan7
    Participant

    Hi takenmylifeback, you have more to gain when you leave a narcissist or sociopath, then you lose. Staying with a narcissist or sociopath narcissist you lose your identity, self worth, your life how you want & dream it to be, your children lose a peaceful & calm home upbringing etc. Leaving, yes, it’s not easy at first but long term you will be able to live a happy, peaceful, calm life…the life YOU dream of and your daughter too.

    Dr Phil always states with regards to the children: “It’s better for kids to come from a broken home, then to live in a broken home.”. Powerful words.

    You DONT Have to do everything alone hon (with regards to leaving him)…reach out to your family & trusted friends to help you with your packing & moving. And the Local abuse center for a Safety & Exit plan out. I felt like you when I was still with my h (now ex). I felt so isolated that I could not think myself out.

    But all I had to do was reach out to my family & friends and the abuse center. Which I did not at the time…wish I would have. Remember abusers mentally & physically isolate their target victims to have control over them. This is just a mind set…just reach for your phone & call your family & trusted friends to tell them you need help out. And go to the abuse center & ask them for help with a Safety & exit plan out.

    Glad you are reading up on custody. Also check with the local abuse center in your families state (if that is where you would rather live) and get state law advise from them.

    For instants which state you divorce in is based on your “residency State requirement”, Meaning you have to live in a state for so long i.e. 60 days to say 6 months to be able to file in that state. But in a few states they have a 1 day “residency requirement” if you are living in a abusive relationship & file divorce that way. So check to see if they have something like this with regards to child custady in your families state (you had mentions that’s where you want to live in one of your post).

    One day at a time…some days one hour or minute at a time. 🌴💜🌴

  • #43887

    takenmylifeback
    Participant

    I have never allowed him to have full say over me. I had to set those boundaries a while back …We don’t go through each others phones or emails …We have separate profiles on our laptop. And separate facebook pages. He has always fought with me on putting his last name on my Facebook but I refused no matter how mad he got. I also don’t allow him to tell me I can’t go somewhere same for me I don’t mind him going places… neither of us go out much anyway though

    These are the reasons I say I don’t thi k he is a narc or sociopath BUT with that being Said if He doesn’t get his way it gets bad! Fits and name calling degrading me etc.

    I know we need out I just wish there was a way to do it like a normal couple
    But he acts like he really loves his daughter which is surprising because he hardly has anything to do with her when he is here. She has to beg for him to play with her be sure he is so preoccupied with video games

    I will be leaving with just a couple of bags… the rest will be trashed I’m sure ..
    I don’t have anyone to help and if he new I was leaving we would have this same fight all over again

    • #43951

      nancyw1234
      Participant

      HI Jan7,

      Did you go through most of the things that takenmylifebac did? I am still in it basically waiting until my son graduates HS this JUNE, but I feel like I still have feelings of doubt , fear , uncertainty etc… I have been seeing a therapist and she told me she does not think he is a sociopath because he hasn’t tried to harm me , yet he has most of the traits and signs. She said what does it matter anyway, why do I have the need to ” label ” him? She said it doesn’t change the facts of how he treated me , it is still unacceptable.
      She is correct. Yet I still feel the need to try to find an explanation for his behavior. As we speak he just gave me perfume that he got returning from an overseas business trip this week. Yet he did not call or text once to check on us all week.
      I guess what I am asking is when does this confusion I have stop? Or am I the one with issues as well?
      Thank You

  • #43906

    takenmylifeback
    Participant

    I am thinking of going to the shelter but I am not able to stay there with 2 cats. I love these cats very much and no one I know personally will take them in until I get on my feet. I just wish I could leave straight to Oregon. But I know as soon as he knows I’m gone he will file for custody and I’ll have to come back here. This is why I need to talk to an advocate. I called again but she wasn’t in the office. Just a waiting game now..

  • #43921

    Jan7
    Participant

    Some shelters have arrangements with local vets or animal centers to house animals. So check with them to see if they can help make arrangements for free.

    Yes, you need to have all your ducks in a row before you leave because no doubt he will file for full custody. This is why it’s important to document his behavior now so that you have it ready for court.

    Absolutely talk with the advocate. One day at a time. Hugs to you. 💜

    • #43922

      takenmylifeback
      Participant

      Thank you so much for all of your help 💖

  • #43929

    takenmylifeback
    Participant

    I I finally talked to the advocate and my daughter and I are going into the shelter… my cats will have to go to the animal shelter also if I don’t find someone to watch them soon.. i hurt so much

    I’m scared of leaving him so sad lonely and broke but I know it has to be done

    I’m even more scared of the rage he will be in when he finds out we left. And the custody battle that will follow 😢 please wish us luck

  • #43930

    nancyw1234
    Participant

    Dear takenmylifebac,

    I know this is very hard, but keep your eyes on the goal and just think of the facts. the things he has done to you and how he has treated you are not normal or acceptable no matter what! You would not be on this website if it were! You will be ok. Just stay calm and do your best to get away from him and into shelter. Your sadness and loneliness and fear are all normal, if you didn’t feel those things I would wonder why…

    • #43931

      takenmylifeback
      Participant

      Thank you so much for your support 💙
      I am very sad right now and so scared to pack my car in the morning and leave… He will be on a rampage and he will fight for our daughter 😢 trying to cross all my Ts and for my I’s in my head is so nerve wracking. I also have 2 cats that can’t go with us …they may have to stay in a shelter for 2 weeks and that makes me so sad

  • #43932

    nancyw1234
    Participant

    of course you are sad, you are sad that this is happening, you are sad that this has to happen, you are sad that you were married to this guy and you had a child with him and that your hope and illusions were a fallacy.
    i m sorry, you have to feel this way, i feel the same as the others have and do on this website. it really stinks but things will get better, you can do it , you are very strong , i can tell

    • #43933

      takenmylifeback
      Participant

      Thank you so very much 🙂 and yes you are right I really thought the last 1000 times he said he would change and he didn’t… when he is good he is such a cool person to be around but if you say no to him about something your the worst person ever. His anger and frustration is rubbing off on my daughter and I really just hope the courts are smart. I don’t want to keep her from him but I also don’t want him to instill hate into her either

  • #43934

    takenmylifeback
    Participant

    I don’t think I’m strong enough to do this! Omg

  • #43940

    nancyw1234
    Participant

    Be strong for your daughter, your the only one who can protect her

  • #43943

    takenmylifeback
    Participant

    We did it! Were out. I had to leave a cat behind he was out roaming the streets and the other one is at a Friends house 😢 I’m lost and feeling like somehow I will get sucked back into his world or as he likes to say my world will crumble. But I haven’t came to terms that he can’t get us here.
    I do hurt for him …I loved him… I never want to see anyone in bad shape especially someone I love.
    I have alot of work to do

  • #43945

    nancyw1234
    Participant

    Good Job! You just went through the hardest part I think ! What you will miss is what you were used to … try to stay away and see how much more relaxed and happy and at peace you are when you are away from him . I think the only way to see clearly is to get away from it.. I’m still in my mess bevause I am waiting a bit more more when he goes away for business trips , I can’t help but notice that I am a differevt person . I am so much more happy .. stay strong .. good job !

    • #43947

      takenmylifeback
      Participant

      Thank you! He hasn’t stopped calling and texting and is threatening all kinds of things but we will figure this out. Working on a game plan from here and hope with all my heart that it goes my way 💙

  • #43950

    nancyw1234
    Participant

    Try not to answer him or reply to his texts , record everything .. maybe what he says can help you in court .❤️

  • #43952

    takenmylifeback
    Participant

    I have had no contact so far. Lastnight while I was asleep he called close to 100 times… I have had to make a police report of harassment and he took record of our recorded voice mails and texts and a few pictures I had. So at least this is on record. We are happy where we are at the moment so now it’s a matter of planning our next move and getting my cats. He has one of them so pray he doesn’t hurt him

    Other than the stress and fear of him getting my daughter this was the best decision ever!

    He calls me a coward for leaving in the middle of the night but that took courage to do that! I had to really think long and hard at what meant more to me. And hands down it will always be my kids 100%

  • #43956

    nancyw1234
    Participant

    Great Job ! You are so brave and smart , he is just mad that you are bevause you are showing him that you aren’t under his control anymore ! Best of luck for gett No your cats back and for the next step ❤️

    • #43961

      takenmylifeback
      Participant

      Yes exactly! He finally calmed down on the texts and calls and now he is in depression mode. Asking me like an adult to come talk with him and saying please. He told me why he is the way he is and does the things he does but I’m still no contact so he is going to have to deal with it alone. It hurts me to say that because I’m so use to comforting him all the time. But what’s done is done and my baby is safe and happy so we are good 💙❤💙❤

      One of my cats are with him… I’ll figure out a way to get him. The other one I tool to a friends hi house and her husband and 2 daughter’s fell in love with him and asked if they could adopt him and my daughter and I thought that would be a great deal for both them and us ❤

  • #43957

    Sunnygal
    Participant

    Best wishes to you.

  • #43980

    Jan7
    Participant

    Hi takenmylifeback, HUGE HUGS TO YOU!!💜 You should be so proud of yourself for taking your power back! You made incredible steps this week for your mental, emotional & physical freedom!! BRAVO!! YOU ARE STRONGER THEN YOU THINK!! 💪💪💪

    I know it’s been so emotionally hard for you these past few weeks deciding to leave or not, calling the abuse center, educating yourself on what you are really enduing (Lovefraud). But, YOU did it!! You are making steps to peace & calm in your life again!

    Right now the hardest part once leaving is following the “No contact rule” (google this & research this here on love fraud” also “grey rock). This man loves to push your buttons or anyones buttons for that matter. This is what sociopath narcissist & narcissist love to do. Just like a cat playing with a mouse. Dont let him push your buttons & the only way to do this is to not read his lying manipulative emails & post or answer his calls. Not an easy thing to do but it IS the ONLY way to find peace & more forward.

    Watch Steven Hassan Freedom of mind videos on you tube. He is a cult & domestic abuse expert. You were in a domestic cult. Your ex was the cult leader & you were his cult follower. Once this sinks in you can see the full extent of his brain washing & mind control. And you can see that you need to unravel his brain washing lying manipulate words. How do you do this? by reading & educating yourself on his horrible behavior & personality disorder. Steven Hassan site is Freedom of mind resource center. Donna here at love fraud has posted an article about his book. His book helped me tremendously when I first left…a huge light bulb moment to what I was dealing with, with regards to sociopath brain washing by my ex h.

    I know it was agonizing to leave your precious baby (your cat) behind, I know this was painful but in time I know you will reunite when him/her. The stress of a toxic house hold affects our animals so not only did you save your spirit, your daughter spirit but also your little furry loved one spirits. They are going to love their new life you will create for them!! 🐈🐈

    Keep posting so we know you are ok now emotionally.

    We are so proud of you for taking amazing steps into the bright sunshine of life!! 👏

    Hugs to you!!💜 Take care.

    • #43982

      takenmylifeback
      Participant

      Thank you so much!

      So he has been trying to control me through voicemail, email, text. There has been over almost 500 missed called from him since I left on the 2nd.
      He was angry then, loving, angry then loving, angry.. And now he is in loving lose again. It’s these moments where I think to myself “wait what was I even mad about again?” But I know that way of thinking is just because I lived it for so long. Learning how to minimize and move on. He lovebombed so well last night I finally cried for the first time. Talking about our past good moments and our families and how much fun we used to have. apologizing for every thing he has done wrong

      “I’m sorry for being a waste of ten years. I’m sorry I wasted your life with me. 

      My daughter means everything to me. And I love her so much. And I miss her so much. I miss you. I miss my family. But I did this and I accept it. And I’m sorry. I drove my family away again. Even though I vowed I would never do it again. I’m sorry for cutting up the picture I’m sorry for making you be out on me. I’m sorry for making you leave. I’m sorry for every single thing I did wrong to you. You didn’t deserve it. My life and my world didn’t deserve the things I said to you. It’s my fault. I should’ve talked. I should’ve told you how I felt. I should’ve communicated with you more. I tried I really did. 

      This will be the last thing you get from me. I’ll leave you alone and let you go.

      Good bye kat. I’ll always love you.”

      But I wiped my tears away and took a deep breath and reminded myself that this is all talk.

      It’s not ok ladies and gentlemen! if you are in any sort of abusive relationship it is so worth getting out of there! We should not be analyzing if our abuse is less severe than someone else’s. Abuse is abuse and you deserve to live life on your own terms.

  • #44033

    takenmylifeback
    Participant

    I think he just killed my cat! I call police to go check…I’m waiting on a call back from them 😭😭😭😭😭

  • #44073

    Sunnygal
    Participant

    that is sad. animal communicator Amelia kincade says animals can communicate in many ways. maybe he will come to you in a dream.

  • #44074

    takenmylifeback
    Participant

    Ok the offi we said the cat was fine…it was a scratch in his nose from a cat fight.
    I still haven’t gotten him so I hope the officer was right. I’m going to try and get him Monday. But the thing is that he told me my cat was bleeding out and I need to come get him because he pooped all over himself and come to find out the officer said the cat was just fine

    This shows they will go to great lengths to get us back to them.

  • #44078

    Jan7
    Participant

    takenmylifebac, oh gosh hon this is terrifying. so sorry I did not see this post earlier. This is a perfect example of why you needed to leave this guy. If he is threatening your cat then he will do the same to you & your child. Glad you had the strength to leave him!!

    Praying that you get your cat back.

  • #44355

    takenmylifeback
    Participant

    Hey! I just want to tell you guys that me and my daughter and our cat made it to Oregon! 😁😁
    I now have a restraining order and temporary custody! He is not allowed within 150 ft from us. He is only allowed to email me 1 time a day and it has to be about our daughter. He is allowed video visitation with her up to 3 hours a week.

    he hardest part of it all is staying away and remember what they say is all an act!

  • #44398

    takenmylifeback
    Participant

    Keep us in your thoughts and prayers we have a court hearing coming up. He is fighting the restraining order

  • #44399

    Jan7
    Participant

    Takenmylifeback, you have done so much to break free from this man in such a short time. You should be so proud of yourself!! Bravo!💜

    It’s hard to break free emotionally from the abuser. This is why a restraining order is good…it prevents YOU from contacting him too. This gives you time to get your body physically back working correctly (heal your adrenal glands) & your mind thinking correctly gain from all the stress you endured.

    I’m sorry that he is taking you back to court. this is what they do!! They want power & control over their victims, even if it means to take them to court. See about getting a court appointed “wizard” to help you out with child custody. The word “court wizard” is used in some state courts. The are basically court mediators and will allow you to have some peace in your mind when dealing with a high conflict person like your ex.

    Also look into the book: Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder Paperback – July 1, 2011
    by Bill Eddy (Author),‎ Randi Kreger

    I have not read this book, but have seem many posting with regards to it being excellent. It’s posted on Amazon where you can read over 200 positive remarks from readers.

    Also the book (amazon) One moms battle by Tina Swiften. She has a site.

    It’s not easy to leave a abuser. But you did it! Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder Paperback – July 1, 2011
    by Bill Eddy (Author),‎ Randi Kreger (AuthoYou should be so proud. Your daughter & you now will have more peace in your life. It will be difficult at times because of child custody. But you are FREE hon!! That is powerful!! You took back your power!! Bravo!!

    You are stronger then you think!! 💜💪

    • #44436

      takenmylifeback
      Participant

      It has been a roller coaster for sure but such an amazing experience with the shelter and the road trip to be honest. Now is the time to put my big girl pants on and fight for my baby girl. In my gut I feel it will go my way but I believe the universe will do what is best for her. What happens in the end is what is supposed to happen I will do everything I can to prove my side and pray for the best.
      It’s hard to believe that I left sometimes and think about going back often but deep down I never want to live that life again and I truly am scared of him. I feel in my heart he has thought about killing me. He has never really said so but small things he mentioned at times lead me to believe he is capable. I am afraid that one day when I have to face him he would be capable of doing away with me and then he gets full custody. I also feel he will neglect her when he has her for visitation because he always hated when she asked for things or attention. Please let’s just pray for the what’s best for my baby girl ❤
      Thank you for your kind words and the information you gave me on no contact .
      I have replied to 4 of his 1000 emails in a month and a half, and 2 of them were per the restraining order.
      I am doing pretty well considering I left in fear of my life and once this is all over I will be able to truly work on myself for once 😊

  • #44400

    Jan7
    Participant

    Remember The retaining order = No contact Rule.

    Here is an article as to why it’s important to follow the no contact rule:

    “Why Initiate a”No Contact” Rule When Leaving a Narcissistic Relationship

    breakingfreeofchainsNo contact is initiated as a way of breaking the psychic emotional bonds between you and a narcissistic partner, friend or family member. If you have been involved with a narcissistic person for any length of time you will undoubtedly have a strong attachment to that person. This attachment needs to be weakened which will happen much more quickly once you engage the rules of “no contact.”

    I am referring to the rules of “no contact” as RULES but these are only enforced by you. These are your rules! If you break these rules you are the one who pays the consequences. And…there are most definitely consequences that come in the form of emotional pain and re-attachment.

    No contact gives you the space and time to get your energy back into your life. It can be challenging at first as you may have to resist the urge to answer the phone, return an Email or make that call. You must get into the habit of policing yourself for your own good.

    Imagine that you have two different aspects of yourself; a parent self and a child self. The parent self will have to police the child self to be sure she doesn’t do anything that will hurt her. You know intellectually that breaking the rules of “no contact” will hurt that child, so you stop her from doing so, even though she is throwing a tantrum.

    Making a decision to cut off contact with a narcissistic personality when leaving the relationship is an important part of your recovery process. The decision to initiate “NO Contact” is a decision for your health and sanity.

    When you remain in contact you continue to engage in the relationship on some level and are still affected by its craziness and dysfunction. You will normally continue to be affected by the hot and cold behavior of the narcissist, be pulled in and pushed away, confused and hurt. You will continue to be drained energetically which results in depression and lethargy.

    The best remedy for getting yourself back is to stop giving your energy to the relationship in any way. You can only dry off when you take your feet out of the water. Don’t allow the narcissist access to you and your energy!

    Of course there are cases where ‘no contact” is not possible due to the involvement of children or when the narcissistic personality is a direct family member. However even in these cases contact can be greatly limited and sometimes all contact can be through a third party mediator. See my article “When No Contact Can’t Work” for more info.

    Here are the rules of No Contact:

    1) Once you have made the decision to end the relationship get your business taken care of immediately, if possible. If you are married and going through a divorce you will need to initiate the divorce right away or make the decision to put it on hold for six months to a year while you take care of yourself and your family. During that time you can initiate “no contact” and then initiate the divorce paperwork, through an attorney when you are stronger. Let the narcissist in your life know that you are ending the relationship and won’t be in communication with him for a while. Ask him to please refrain from calling, text messaging, emailing, instant chat or stopping by your home or workplace.

    2) Taking care of business involves getting your possessions, giving him his possessions. Getting separate living quarters, separating bills and anything that would give you a reason to contact him or for him to contact you. If necessary use a third party mediator.

    3) Clean out your home and get rid of any memorabilia having to do with your ex-narcissistic partner. If you are having issues throwing something away or burning it, put it in a big box, tape it up and store it somewhere where you won’t see it. If you are comfortable burning sage or incense this can help clear the energy of your home. Also burning candles is a good way to shift the energy.

    4) Make no arrangements for personal meetings. If he stops by, don’t answer the door. If you see him in public, put your sunglasses on, avoid eye contact and move past him as quickly as possible.

    5) Make or accept no phone calls. If he calls, don’t answer the phone. If he calls from an unidentified number and you hear his voice on the other end, hang up without saying a word. He’ll get the message. If he leaves a voice mail message try and erase it without listening if you can. If he is persistent, consider having your phone number changed. This is your sanity we are talking about. It is priceless.

    6) Make or accept no text messages, emails, or instant chat. It is best to block his emails and even consider having your own email address changed so he won’t have your information. This prevents him emailing you from an unknown address.

    7) If you are on any mutual community Websites, you will want to stop visiting those sites. Do not access his Web pages, profiles, social media, or anything that will give you current info on him. What he is doing is none of your business. What you are doing is none of his.

    8) If you have friends in common, you will want to let them know that you are avoiding any and all contact with him at this time so you can focus on your healing and you request that they NOT share any information about him with you nor any information about you with him. If you find mutual friends do not support your request you will want to avoid contact with them for a time. Do not allow anyone to tell you that what you are doing is crazy, silly, stupid, childish or invalidate your decision in any way. This is a time to surround yourself with people who support you and let go of people who don’t.

    9) If you work with him, in the same office building, same company, etc.. Same rules apply. If you are forced to do business with him, keep all communication strictly business and don’t allow him to engage you in any other way. Remember: He no longer has access to you or your energy.

    10) If you have children with him you are best to engage a mediator for all contact. Narcissistic people will often use the children as a way to get to you. You may consider asking a family member or good friend to act as the mediator for young children. If your kids are old enough to handle their own business, let them work out the details of any visits directly with the other parent and communicate with you to be sure you approve. Be careful not to use your children to punish the narcissistic parent. The kids will be the ones being affected. In some cases when the narcissistic parent realizes he has no control over you and using the kids doesn’t work, he may bow out altogether and you may rarely hear from him. So it is important that you don’t allow him access to you, even if you have kids. Keep it strictly business.

    How Long Must No Contact Last?

    No contact should remain in affect until you feel the bond has been completely severed. This can take several years so be prepared to continue “no contact” for a long time. Most will find once that bond is severed there is no need or desire to see that person, but the rules can soften a bit at this point so if you run into him on the street you may say “hello” and be kind, but not engage in any “real” conversation. If you have kids together you may be able to communicate directly at some point in the future, although there is absolutely no guarantee this will work well.

    Once you have moved on, down the road, you will want to be careful not to make the mistake of believing maybe he/she has changed. The likelihood of any real change is very small. Always assume he or she is the same person as always. Even if change was possible, your trust in the narcissist has already been severely damaged and you would never likely be fully trusting again. This is no way to have a relationship. You deserve to have someone you can trust completely in your life.”

  • #45202

    takenmylifeback
    Participant

    Quick update! We are doing great 🙂 restraining order was granted!
    Custody hearing is soon I have a lawyer! my daughter is in school and therapy!
    I have a great job and will be starting school soon! My oldest 2 daughters are coming to visit this summer🤗
    There is so much that I made happen in such a short period of time I know I’m going to be ok!
    Thank you for all of the help y’all gave me on this thread ❤

  • #45215

    Donna Andersen
    Keymaster

    takenmylifeback – Great news! I am so glad that you are moving forward. Stay strong!

  • #45216

    Sunnygal
    Participant

    taken Wonderful news!!

  • #46863

    takenmylifeback
    Participant

    Another update! He dismissed the custody case in Texas for some unknown reason and still tried to threaten and co trol me by email. BUT We have finally been in Oregon for 6 months and legally filed for custody here! He has threatened not only my family and I but the attorney and police department here and have soooo many emails, and recordings to prove it.
    I am not sure what will happen from here but I am still no co tact with him and have followed all the rules for the last 7 months and did everything legally! My advice to others going through this mess is to be patient they will reveal their true selves to everyone in due time. They always stick their foot in their mouths to everyone if they arent getting what they want out of you. Dont give them emotion…dont give them attention in any form. You are absolutely stronger than you think! Good luck, you got this 😊

  • #46867

    Jan7
    Participant

    Takenmylifebac, so glad that you are ok! Also glad that your ex is showing the world what you had to endure behind closed doors. Yes, they always end up dropping their mask.

    Wishing you all the best!! (thanks for the update).

    • #46913

      takenmylifeback
      Participant

      Jan7 if I could I would give you a HUGE hug! You helped me through so much and to read all of the past thread I cant believe how far I have come! Through so much of it you were there for me ❤ thank you so much from the bottom of my heart

  • #46922

    Jan7
    Participant

    takenmylifebac, you are so welcome!! 💜 What sociopaths never count on, is victims getting together to lift each other up. Thanks to Donna & Terry, we have a wonderful support site & network to lift each other up , educate ourselves & heal together!! Powerful! 💜 All of those days & nights we felt so alone, only to some how find the strength to reach out for help! Bravo to you in your darkest days & nights for reaching out for help. POWERFUL moments for all of us. We are stronger then we know! 💪

    Huge hugs to you also!! You should be so incredibly proud of yourself for making unbelievable strides to crawl out of hell & into the day light!! BRAVO!! It brings me great joy to see how far you have come!! 🌺💜💜

    Wishing you all the best with your amazing new freedom!! 😊

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