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“Relationship” with M. moved fast, as it almost always does with sociopaths. At the five month mark (June 2017), I thought that M. was the one, and she told me that I was the “one” for her, planned to marry but not right away. Traveled with her–driving–to meet my family in June 2017. Normally a two day drive to where most of family lives but we drove straight through the night and got there in less than 24 hours. My family paid for us to stay at a motel there for three nights because this was the most feasible option. The motel was about a 30 minute drive from my family’s house.
When I was planning the trip, and I told M. that we would be staying at a motel when we arrived there, M. asked a lot of questions about the hotel, and wanted to know how long (in time) a drive it was from my family’s house to the motel. At the time I had a vague sense of wondering why she was asking so many questions about the motel, it was one of the national chains so I did not know much more than the chain it was and where it was located.
We get there in the early afternoon on Saturday, after driving overnight. The plan was to have dinner with my family, at my family’s house, on Saturday night, Sunday night, and Monday night, then we were scheduled to continue our trip to see other family members (my family) living in a different part of the state.
Upon arriving at the motel, M. tells me that she is very tired from the overnight drive and that she will stay at the motel and sleep during the afternoon and evening on Saturday to rest up from the drive, and that she would not be joining me and my family for dinner on Saturday night. So I went to my family’s house by myself that night and enjoyed seeing everyone. M. did go with me to my family’s house for dinner on Sunday and Monday.
So as I am getting ready to leave the motel on Saturday to drive to my family’s house. M. says I need to call her when I leave my family’s house so she will know when I will be back at the motel Saturday night. But I had my own key, and would enter quietly so as not to awaken her, so I didn’t quite understand why she needed to know 30 minutes in advance when I would get back at the motel. When I would drive to her house in the area where we both live, she never needed to know exactly when I would get there.
Then M. asks me to get additional towels. I thought we had enough towels, why does she need extra towels? Then she wants me to get her the motel’s WiFi code, why does she need that then because she was going to be sleeping?
M. had a major make up makeover before our trip, she bought lots of fancy makeup, she said to look good when she met my family on the trip. Before we left, she had shown me a picture of her with the complete makeup makeover, she looked like a prostitute right out of central casting, but then I’m a man and I don’t know much about makeup, so nothing to worry about. Except that she never wore all that new makeup on our trip, nor after, but she brought it on the trip. So I realize now that the full makeup makeover was not for me or my family.
When I got back to the motel that night, M. verbally attacked me for hiding my true self to her–she found out that I had chosen not to talk much about my political views because she and I disagreed on politics, and I thought it was respectful and considerate for me to refrain from saying things that I knew she would not agree with. M. kept on saying, with so much anger, that I was hiding my true self from her, I was not showing her who I really was.
After M. discarded me in August, I connected the dots and now understand what was really happening on that trip. Obviously, the “relationship” was completely fake and fraudulent on her part, she did not even like me as a friend.
The reason that she stayed back at the motel on that Saturday night was not to sleep/rest, but she had customers arranged to meet her at the motel while I was at my family’s house. Customers, meaning she worked as a prostitute out of the motel while I was at my family’s house that Saturday evening. That’s why she wanted to know so much about the motel, that’s why she needed to have her WiFi when she said she was going to sleep for a while, that’s why she needed extra towels, that is why she bought all the makeup and brought it on the trip with her. M. had her customers all set up on social media before we even left here to begin our trip. That is what she would spend so much time in the bathroom when we made bathroom stops on our drive, it was the only place she could text, etc. her customers and finalize the arrangements. That’s why her tablet computer needed a password every few minutes. That is why she needed to have a 30 minute advance notice of when I would get back to the motel. That is why she ranted about me hiding my true self to her, because she was projecting on me what she did, she was hiding her true self from me. That is why she had trouble walking the next day. The next day (Sunday) she tells my family that I was the “one” she had been waiting for all of her life, while she was (I want to state this politely, I don’t want to be gross) carrying within her a part of her customers from Saturday night (M. did not like to use protection, thank goodness I made sure that we did when I was with her). So in addition to all the horrible things I mentioned, it is possible that she infected her customers with disease, at a motel that my family paid for. I can’t thing of a more vile and repulsive thing to do when meeting my family, clearly she did this on the trip intentionally to show spite and contempt for me and my family. I am not sure about this, but connecting the dots after the fact leads me to believe that she was HIV+, and I do believe she wanted to infect as many men as she could. Sociopaths often give little hints of the truth, in the form of half-truths, this she did…she was always telling me how her immune system did not work because of an arthritis-like condition. I do believe that she did have a problem with her immune system, and it was not because of arthritis or anything like that.
It was horrifying last fall when I was connecting the dots and realized all the horrible things that M. did, now I am recovered enough to deal with it in a little bit more of a matter of fact way.
I know I am making a serious accusation, but: M. did not work, she lived at home with her parents (she was almost 50 years old, and had pretty much always lived at home), she slept during the day, she said that she used marijuana for pain-relief but clearly she was using it much more than that and maybe other drugs, what little income she had all went to her health insurance under COBRA (even sociopaths needs health care), she told me that it was expensive to buy marijuana…she had no work skills, so how did she get the money for all of her drugs? She liked to cook, and she was a very good cook, but she wasn’t making any money through cooking. So with the exception of cooking, there is only one thing she was good at, ergo how she made her money.
I think that M. was dropping lots of hints about this behavior, part of her enjoyment of deception was to hint almost to the very point of telling the truth, and then enjoy the deception even more because I did not figure it out then. Sociopaths live according to the saying that many people will fall for the big lie, because normal people think that no one could tell a lie that big. So, yes, maybe I thought that she really could have seen my family on that Saturday night, that she wasn’t that tired, and was just making an excuse to relax at the motel, but I could never have imagined what she did do.
We were going to visit two very close friends of mine on our return drive that I don’t get to see often because of the distance, but they were right on our way back. M. insisted we go back a day earlier than planned and she refused to visit my friends. M. said she was doing this for my benefit so I would be more rested before returning to work after the trip. I’m pretty sure M. wanted to get back a day early for dates she had planned back here–they were not dates with me.
I don’t normally like to be so blunt about the subject matter I have discussed, but I am relating the facts of this as best I can and it is not a pleasant story.
The beginning stages of recovery for me were especially difficult because I was connecting the dots and realizing all the horrible things that M. did and of course that it had all been 100% fake. Even though all of this was in the past (because I went NO CONTACT with M. in September 2017 and have stayed NO CONTACT), it was in the present then inasmuch as I was discovering all the bad things that happened.
So much of recovery just takes time. Sort of like a severe ankle sprain: even with proper treatment and doing what the doctor and the physical therapist tell you to do and not do, it still takes a long time.
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OMG summertrip – what a terrible story! I am so sorry. But I am glad that you figured it out and escaped.
yes, recovery takes time, but it is certainly possible. Keep going.
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I’m sorry you suffered this frightening experience with this appalling woman. I say “frightening” quite literally because I shudder to think what you might have caught from her if you hadn’t had the good sense and wisdom to practice “safe sex”! Of course that’s on top of the emotional damage done (as always) by being forced to realize the entire relationship was a sham on her part.
Two comments on something you said:
I think that M. was dropping lots of hints about this behavior, part of her enjoyment of deception was to hint almost to the very point of telling the truth, and then enjoy the deception even more because I did not figure it out then. Sociopaths live according to the saying that many people will fall for the big lie, because normal people think that no one could tell a lie that big.
I expect you know that one of the world’s most monstrous psychopaths, none other than Adolf Hitler himself, made the same observation in “Mein Kampf”: that people will fall for a Big Lie more readily than a small one, for essentially the reason you mentioned. In effect Hitler attributed this to projection on the part of what he called the “masses” of ordinary “simple-minded” people. He didn’t use the term “projection,” and probably didn’t know it, but that was clearly what he meant: he said that while ordinary people may tell small lies, they would never be audacious enough to tell a truly colossal lie themselves. They’d be far “too ashamed” to do so, so it would “never enter their heads” that anyone else would!
Needless to say, “shame” is an inhibition that psychopaths are not subject to! In the case of this woman you were unlucky enough to encounter, her perfidy at the motel was not so much a matter of “outrageous lying” as of outrageous behavior! I don’t doubt it was tempting to wonder if she was up to something underhanded when she wanted to “rest” at the motel instead of having dinner with your family as you’d expected. Why did she have to sleep all evening as well as all afternoon? Why did she want you to let her know when you’d be getting back there? If she needed to sleep so much, why would she want to be woken up with a phone call? There was the puzzling matter of the towels as well. Under different circumstances one might wonder if she was planning a secret assignation behind your back… but with whom? After all, it was your family’s town you were traveling to, hundreds of miles away; who could she possibly know there? It would never occur to anyone that she was a hooker meeting clients she’d lined up in advance! That was just too outrageous!
If you’ve read the articles on this site, you’ll see it’s very likely that she did derive gratification from deceiving you without your awareness. This is referred to as ”duping delight”: something that psychopaths revel in. Up to a point, that’s only an extension of normal human nature. I’m sure we all enjoy “putting something over” on someone in a harmless fashion; April Fool’s Day is not far behind us, after all. But doing so in the hostile fashion typical of psychopaths, or hurting anyone we’re supposed to love, is another matter entirely. As it happens, your mention of this prompted me to recall the peculiar behavior of a female on another abuse-related site years ago, who was doing something similar to her husband. Not that she was a professional whore, and I don’t have any evidence that she was a psychopath either, but the topic of “duping delight” makes me even more suspicious of her real nature than I was before. I ought to post something about that if I get a moment. Good luck with your recovery anyway.
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