Does it get better?

cali7,

Hi, yes! we are here. This is a good place to come for education and support. He sounds pretty classic, in terms of the behaviors of someone with a personality disorder (AKA: narcissism, sociopath, borderline, etc). His texts reveal how he is totally unwilling to accept even a smidge of personal responsibility for the pain and disruption he has caused, instead heaping it all on you and how you go ‘from one extreme to the next’.

I will tell you something WE ALL went from one extreme to the other, that is one of the effects of constant lies, abuse, and betrayal. The victims feelings and behavior can be all over the place. But here’s the deal.

HE IS THE WORST JUDGE OF ACTUAL CHARACTER that you should not care ONE BIT about his character judgement about you. This is another hallmark of these types, projecting their own character flaws onto their targets. They simply CANNOT see themselves for what they really are. They can only fault everyone around them.

The best, though very painful, thing you can do is to STAY away from all conversation, all contact with him. Forever. I am so sorry about the child, and I hear how much it pains you to be cut off from him, but there really is nothing you can do without sacrificing your own security and peace. It is up to the child’s mother to try and protect him.

All of his texts are CLASSIC manipulation. He goes from simple ‘hey, how are you’ (as if NOTHING has happened), to silence, to pretending to understand what is happening, to insults, and then begging. NORMAL PEOPLE DO NOT DO THIS. Only manipulative and abuse people cycle through this kind of communication. Do not respond.

Can you block his calls? Tell your supervisor you’re being harassed.

Then turn off your phone.

cali7,

If you can muster the courage and conviction then DO turn off your phone. There is evidence that several things are likely to happen.

1. He may come round to your place and threaten you. SO BE VIGILANT AND AWARE.
2. He will keep trying to text and call, or get to you via a common friend or acquaintance
3. He will start badmouthing you to anyone who will listen

All of this is meant to get you to give him what he wants: your pain, confusion, hurt, and longing. He wants the control to watch you ‘dance’ like a puppet on a string. Don’t give it to him. Don’t get into with him. Don’t ‘poke the bear’.

What is also true is if you ignore him for 20 calls or texts, and then respond on the 21st, HE WILL KNOW THAT THAT IS WHAT IT TAKES TO BREAK DOWN YOUR BOUNDARY.

It has also been suggested that you send ONE FINAL definitive text saying: Please do not contact me. I am no longer interested in any kind of relationship with you.

THEN, you NEVER contact him or speak with him again.

cali7,

I am not suggesting you need to do this but I decided to change my phone #, email address, and I actually traded in my old car. I still lived in the same place, but it was a very secure building, that he did not have keys to.

In the end this one guy stalked me for nearly 5 years. Nothing violent, but notes in the mail, gifts on my front porch, having strangers come to my door to invite me on Greek vacations (?, so strange!). Finally, he came to my work. I went to HR to tell them. They had the head of security call him. This guy was a retired police detective. I never heard from the creep again.

It can take a lot of work to rid yourself of these types.

I just reread that he called your work line. Your supervisor should be able to block his calls. I worked at a hospital where a gal’s drug dealer ex said he had a gun and threatened to come to work and kill her. Her supervisor called security and they monitored him. He didn’t do anything.

Hi cali7,
So glad that you reached out for help. Those who have responded to you thus far are completely right on. When you have just decided to go No Contact, and having the person continuing to harass you, can be very unnerving to say the least. You’ve been very courageous yet you are still vulnerable taking your new stance because you haven’t had enough time to really get clear emotionally, and that is what you need. The more time you keep to No Contact, the better and better you will feel. You deserve much credit to have been able to see through his mind games, and the more time away from him, you will even see him more and more clearly for who he really is and what a horrible influence he has been in your life.
Keep up the good work!

cali7,

YES, we have ALL been through this. No contact sounds easy, but is difficult because our feelings are telling us to reach out, and our minds are reeling from the abuse.

This is why your mind is tired: Cognitive Dissonance

Here is the definition: In the field of psychology, cognitive dissonance is the mental discomfort experienced by a person who holds two or more contradictory beliefs, ideas, or values. This discomfort is triggered by a situation in which a person’s belief clashes with new evidence perceived by the person.

If you think about that what you believed about this person: that he was normal, that he loved you, that he wanted to be with you, that he was faithful, etc…..

All of that is not true. So you have to let go of the ‘original’ beliefs you had about him, and do everything you can to stay rooted in what you now know to be true. This becomes difficult when our feelings are all mixed up: We are hurt, but also we miss them. We are angry, but also sad that they dumped us. We are disappointed, but hope that just maybe they will change.

Our bodies are also confused. Our neurotransmitters and hormones have been both negatively and positively affected by our contact with them. We have BONDED, created a healthy attachment because of our hormones (Oxytocin). But we have also been given a pretty good case of PTSD (fight or flight syndrome) because of the constant inconsistencies, abuses, lies, and betrayals.

So, ALL of our systems are out of whack. And it takes TIME, with no contact, for all of these systems to heal and reach homeostasis. This is the definition of homeostasis: the tendency toward a relatively stable equilibrium between interdependent elements, especially as maintained by physiological processes.

It takes tender loving care FOR YOU, FROM YOU. It takes: Rest, food, support, and exercise to get back to balance. You have to treat you with all the love, attention, and kindness you would give to an injured friend. It takes a great commitment on our parts to put ourselves first.

What he is doing is rapidly (in texts) going through the abuse cycle with you: Lovebomb, devalue, discard. Now he is just doing it really fast, trying to hoover you back into the conversation with ‘sweet’ words, then ignoring you when he doesn’t get the response he wants, then sending you mean and spiteful words to know he doesn’t value you anyway.

IGNORE IT. It’s just stupid drivel. There is ZERO value in his pathology.

cali- slimone is right on. Listen to her advice

SG

Hi Cali
I agree also that slimone has given you perfect advise. As far as your question about asking if anyone else has gone through this, I can say that I definitely have. From my experience, what is so difficult is that when the abuser is hoovering, and trying to regain contact, they will say all the things we so much wish that they will say. We so much wish that they really mean it and that there is hope for reconciliation and that love will prevail. But … they are playing upon that hope as a means of entrapment. Because if you believe them, it will all just start over again. You think you are tired now ? I know that you are, but if you give in, then with your already depleted energy, you will be even weaker when he resumes the abuse, and he will. He will have added resentment towards you for trying to stand up to him, and he will create a very painful discard for you. So do not respond to his lying hoovering, and ignore him. Take some time to do something restful that you enjoy. I know that all of us here are rooting for you!

There s an article ‘I’m not what you say I am’ referring to the insults psychopaths give to devalue you. Remember that this is a psychopath talking. The article is in saferelationships magazine.

That sounds like a really good article! I’m definitely going to check it out myself and I hope cali7 does too, because it is that devaluation that causes us to have self doubt and then loose our own power. So it’s imperative that we keep up our awareness to devaluation’s insidious effects. Thanks for the info about the article.

Hi again – I was looking for the article and it didn’t come up in the finder’s box and then I checked through the articles section. The closest one I could find was called, ” Am I who he says I am?” in ” Sandra Says “, which by the way was a good article. Is that the one you meant, or do you know how I could best find the article called, ” I’m not what you say I am”, that you suggested ? Thanks so much.

polestar- It comes up as ‘How people regard you- I’m not what you say I am’. It is by Jennifer Young but all of Sandra Brown’s articles are good.

Great! Thanks so much!

Dear Carla,

Please listen to the great advice above.

May I add one more piece of advice? Get off of social media! It is the playground of sociopaths!!

cali- Hope you are doing O.K. Let us know when you can.

SG

cali- again slimone is right on.

SG

cali7- Listen to slimone.

SG

I’m reading slimone’s advice.

Oh wow, I was inspired to reread slimone’s post because of SG’s posts – and it is so true, so true. She explained Cognitive Dissonance so well and it is something that we really need to keep in mind and not forget about. It is a powerful mechanism that can keep us stuck, when we are not aware of it while when we do keep that knowledge in the forefront of relationship issues, it is so freeing! I do hope that you, cali7 are getting and reading these posts.
Blessings to all

polestar- Yes, she explains cognitive dissonance and the abuse cycle of lovebomb, devalue and discard. She gives alot of information. This can benefit cali and others.

SG

cali- Hope you are doing O.K.

SG

cali- Thinking of you.

SG

Alot of information here.

SG

cali- Take care.

slimone- again good iformation.

SG