July 16, 2019 at 2:54 pm #53297
Hi! First time writing here. Going straight to it. I dated this person for 8 months and then out of nowhere breaks up with me. Turns out that at age 43 he doesn’t know what he wants and he wants to “live” life. Turns out that I was living a lie, he cheated on me so many times. My world crumbled. I’m 35, independent successful woman and I thought I’ll get over this and that was a lie. I was blindfolded I put all the stuff he did or said to me to the side to “try” to forgive him. He then continues to play games, disappearing, silent treatment, “missing me” you know the typical mind games. I was so attached to it thinking he’s going to change. He was using me, clearly and then disposed of me. I started using drugs with him which is not me AT ALL. So disappointing. On top of all that, he introduced me to his son last year and we had an incredible bond. Something that hurts, not having that little kid in my life.
Oh and on top of all that I lend him money and guess what? he never paid me back.
On Friday, I decided to stop talking to this man and for me to be off social media (at least a week). As a result, he’s reaching out non stop. Would it get better? Would I heal? Should I send something? I deserve better.
Anyone out there?
His texts- after not talking to me for two days
Friday- I hope you had a nice week…
Monday- Hey, I know all this is shitty and whatever but I didn’t expect you to disappear. Ignoring me and shit.
Tuesday- All I was asking was your acknowledgment that you are good. It’s petty of you to act this way when I have done everything I could to manage the situation. But I guess this is how you want it to be…I care about you. I told you that. And you go from one extreme to the next in one second, cool
Wednesday- Please Carla. I’m asking you, please.
- This topic was modified 1 month ago by cali7.
July 16, 2019 at 3:17 pm #53298
Hi, yes! we are here. This is a good place to come for education and support. He sounds pretty classic, in terms of the behaviors of someone with a personality disorder (AKA: narcissism, sociopath, borderline, etc). His texts reveal how he is totally unwilling to accept even a smidge of personal responsibility for the pain and disruption he has caused, instead heaping it all on you and how you go ‘from one extreme to the next’.
I will tell you something WE ALL went from one extreme to the other, that is one of the effects of constant lies, abuse, and betrayal. The victims feelings and behavior can be all over the place. But here’s the deal.
HE IS THE WORST JUDGE OF ACTUAL CHARACTER that you should not care ONE BIT about his character judgement about you. This is another hallmark of these types, projecting their own character flaws onto their targets. They simply CANNOT see themselves for what they really are. They can only fault everyone around them.
The best, though very painful, thing you can do is to STAY away from all conversation, all contact with him. Forever. I am so sorry about the child, and I hear how much it pains you to be cut off from him, but there really is nothing you can do without sacrificing your own security and peace. It is up to the child’s mother to try and protect him.
All of his texts are CLASSIC manipulation. He goes from simple ‘hey, how are you’ (as if NOTHING has happened), to silence, to pretending to understand what is happening, to insults, and then begging. NORMAL PEOPLE DO NOT DO THIS. Only manipulative and abuse people cycle through this kind of communication. Do not respond.
July 16, 2019 at 3:43 pm #53299
He just called my work line, caught me off guard. He started yelling why the f*bn! YOU don’t answer my calls. Do you want me to disappear too? In which i responded I’m busy. He started asking why all the sudden I can’t reply to the message. I replied I’m at work. He wants me to call back.
- This reply was modified 1 month ago by cali7.
July 16, 2019 at 3:59 pm #53302
Can you block his calls? Tell your supervisor you’re being harassed.
July 16, 2019 at 4:04 pm #53304
I can’t block his calls.
July 16, 2019 at 4:07 pm #53305
Then turn off your phone.
July 16, 2019 at 5:28 pm #53307
If you can muster the courage and conviction then DO turn off your phone. There is evidence that several things are likely to happen.
1. He may come round to your place and threaten you. SO BE VIGILANT AND AWARE.
2. He will keep trying to text and call, or get to you via a common friend or acquaintance
3. He will start badmouthing you to anyone who will listen
All of this is meant to get you to give him what he wants: your pain, confusion, hurt, and longing. He wants the control to watch you ‘dance’ like a puppet on a string. Don’t give it to him. Don’t get into with him. Don’t ‘poke the bear’.
What is also true is if you ignore him for 20 calls or texts, and then respond on the 21st, HE WILL KNOW THAT THAT IS WHAT IT TAKES TO BREAK DOWN YOUR BOUNDARY.
It has also been suggested that you send ONE FINAL definitive text saying: Please do not contact me. I am no longer interested in any kind of relationship with you.
THEN, you NEVER contact him or speak with him again.
July 16, 2019 at 5:47 pm #53308
I am not suggesting you need to do this but I decided to change my phone #, email address, and I actually traded in my old car. I still lived in the same place, but it was a very secure building, that he did not have keys to.
In the end this one guy stalked me for nearly 5 years. Nothing violent, but notes in the mail, gifts on my front porch, having strangers come to my door to invite me on Greek vacations (?, so strange!). Finally, he came to my work. I went to HR to tell them. They had the head of security call him. This guy was a retired police detective. I never heard from the creep again.
It can take a lot of work to rid yourself of these types.
July 16, 2019 at 6:50 pm #53309
I just reread that he called your work line. Your supervisor should be able to block his calls. I worked at a hospital where a gal’s drug dealer ex said he had a gun and threatened to come to work and kill her. Her supervisor called security and they monitored him. He didn’t do anything.
July 18, 2019 at 11:27 pm #53320
So glad that you reached out for help. Those who have responded to you thus far are completely right on. When you have just decided to go No Contact, and having the person continuing to harass you, can be very unnerving to say the least. You’ve been very courageous yet you are still vulnerable taking your new stance because you haven’t had enough time to really get clear emotionally, and that is what you need. The more time you keep to No Contact, the better and better you will feel. You deserve much credit to have been able to see through his mind games, and the more time away from him, you will even see him more and more clearly for who he really is and what a horrible influence he has been in your life.
Keep up the good work!
July 19, 2019 at 8:45 am #53323
Thank you all for the support. He sent me on Wednesday more messages from anger to the message we all want to hear.
That is what I wanted to talk to you about…I don’t want to lose over some bullshit or my stupidity (or my being scared or whatever. You are very important and special to me always have been. I want to understand what it means to be with you, to actually date you and be exclusive. I want to understand what your needs and expectations are…I want to have a serious conversation to see if this is something that we feel can be done or not.
I don’t want to hurt you or cause to feel anything but happiness.
There was more he even mentioned how his son asks about me. (trigger point for me)
As I looked at the text and let it marinade all I was thinking I’ve told you all this, I told you all I want. But then I analyzed more, two weeks ago you told me you can’t give me what I want! Later on that day he dropped flowers and my favorite food to the concierge. I was not home thankfully.
Yesterday was day 7 of NC and it was a hard one. He didn’t reach out so that threw me off. I wanted to text him so bad all the reasons of why is not going to work out then I just let it sit. My mind is so so tired. Did anyone go thru this? Where the brain is just tired of fighting and the heart has no energy?
July 19, 2019 at 1:41 pm #53324
YES, we have ALL been through this. No contact sounds easy, but is difficult because our feelings are telling us to reach out, and our minds are reeling from the abuse.
This is why your mind is tired: Cognitive Dissonance
Here is the definition: In the field of psychology, cognitive dissonance is the mental discomfort experienced by a person who holds two or more contradictory beliefs, ideas, or values. This discomfort is triggered by a situation in which a person’s belief clashes with new evidence perceived by the person.
If you think about that what you believed about this person: that he was normal, that he loved you, that he wanted to be with you, that he was faithful, etc…..
All of that is not true. So you have to let go of the ‘original’ beliefs you had about him, and do everything you can to stay rooted in what you now know to be true. This becomes difficult when our feelings are all mixed up: We are hurt, but also we miss them. We are angry, but also sad that they dumped us. We are disappointed, but hope that just maybe they will change.
Our bodies are also confused. Our neurotransmitters and hormones have been both negatively and positively affected by our contact with them. We have BONDED, created a healthy attachment because of our hormones (Oxytocin). But we have also been given a pretty good case of PTSD (fight or flight syndrome) because of the constant inconsistencies, abuses, lies, and betrayals.
So, ALL of our systems are out of whack. And it takes TIME, with no contact, for all of these systems to heal and reach homeostasis. This is the definition of homeostasis: the tendency toward a relatively stable equilibrium between interdependent elements, especially as maintained by physiological processes.
It takes tender loving care FOR YOU, FROM YOU. It takes: Rest, food, support, and exercise to get back to balance. You have to treat you with all the love, attention, and kindness you would give to an injured friend. It takes a great commitment on our parts to put ourselves first.
What he is doing is rapidly (in texts) going through the abuse cycle with you: Lovebomb, devalue, discard. Now he is just doing it really fast, trying to hoover you back into the conversation with ‘sweet’ words, then ignoring you when he doesn’t get the response he wants, then sending you mean and spiteful words to know he doesn’t value you anyway.
IGNORE IT. It’s just stupid drivel. There is ZERO value in his pathology.
July 19, 2019 at 2:11 pm #53325
cali- slimone is right on. Listen to her advice
July 19, 2019 at 4:14 pm #53327
I agree also that slimone has given you perfect advise. As far as your question about asking if anyone else has gone through this, I can say that I definitely have. From my experience, what is so difficult is that when the abuser is hoovering, and trying to regain contact, they will say all the things we so much wish that they will say. We so much wish that they really mean it and that there is hope for reconciliation and that love will prevail. But … they are playing upon that hope as a means of entrapment. Because if you believe them, it will all just start over again. You think you are tired now ? I know that you are, but if you give in, then with your already depleted energy, you will be even weaker when he resumes the abuse, and he will. He will have added resentment towards you for trying to stand up to him, and he will create a very painful discard for you. So do not respond to his lying hoovering, and ignore him. Take some time to do something restful that you enjoy. I know that all of us here are rooting for you!
July 20, 2019 at 5:07 pm #53331
There s an article ‘I’m not what you say I am’ referring to the insults psychopaths give to devalue you. Remember that this is a psychopath talking. The article is in saferelationships magazine.
July 21, 2019 at 7:24 pm #53349
That sounds like a really good article! I’m definitely going to check it out myself and I hope cali7 does too, because it is that devaluation that causes us to have self doubt and then loose our own power. So it’s imperative that we keep up our awareness to devaluation’s insidious effects. Thanks for the info about the article.
July 21, 2019 at 7:43 pm #53350
Hi again – I was looking for the article and it didn’t come up in the finder’s box and then I checked through the articles section. The closest one I could find was called, ” Am I who he says I am?” in ” Sandra Says “, which by the way was a good article. Is that the one you meant, or do you know how I could best find the article called, ” I’m not what you say I am”, that you suggested ? Thanks so much.
July 21, 2019 at 7:54 pm #53351
polestar- It comes up as ‘How people regard you- I’m not what you say I am’. It is by Jennifer Young but all of Sandra Brown’s articles are good.
July 21, 2019 at 7:59 pm #53352
Great! Thanks so much!
July 23, 2019 at 12:58 pm #53377
Please listen to the great advice above.
May I add one more piece of advice? Get off of social media! It is the playground of sociopaths!!
July 23, 2019 at 2:18 pm #53381
Thank you Monica for the message. As far as social media goes, that is part of my job. Me being off of social media is not going to happen. Thank you for the suggestion.
August 9, 2019 at 2:08 pm #53591
cali- Hope you are doing O.K. Let us know when you can.
August 12, 2019 at 4:14 pm #53640
cali- again slimone is right on.
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