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I have come to this website thanks to a book that i was reading, who was mentioning the website and the support that it gives to all the women and men out there who are currently struggling or recovering from a relationship with a psycopath.
I raise my hand, for being in a relationshiop with a psycopath, for the past 4 years and a half…
We have met in fact in 2014, but nothing happend between us. We met through my work, while i was visiting another country. Back home, my future husband was expecting me. Later will i end appreciate him, more than i ever did, through our whole 6 years together.
In July 2014 i got engaged, just a few months after meeting the psycopath. He starting texting me via facebook and he was basically making his move, trying to see if i am happy and all the bla, bla stuff.
I didn’t gave him too much attention, i had a wedding to focus on, but i continued talking with him, from time to time, because i thought it will help me improve my english…LOL
If i only knew at what cost, i would have rather take classes…
Anyways, time went by, with not too much contact, basics hi, how are you, bye. We were never chatting more than 5-10 minutes, once in 2-3 weeks, maybe even less.
In february 2015 my relationship with my future husband went into a colapse, because he had another anxiety attack and he freaked me out, thinking i am only 30 and i have nobody to rely on in case of real need. Indeed, our relationship was not balanced and i was the man in the house for everything, from money, to decision, to providing..to everything… So, i felt incredible lonely.
And on 14th february, my psycopath hit.. He texted, i was low, he started saying a bunch of incredible dreamy stuff..out of nowhere…like “i don’t want you to marry another man”, “if i would have had a lover like you, i would lay you down on a bed of roses, taking you to dinner and making you gifts”.
That’s when it all started… Daily talks, hours on the phone, i use to be on the phone with him even with my ex in the house, i would only listen and text, as he would “teach me”…
I was begining to be very promiscuied and couldn’t have any contact with my future husband, because i was feeling guilty of what i knew i was doing. So i would avoid him, had no sexual contact and most of the times would sleep in another room.
One month later i wanted to cancel the wedding…i involved both the families, imagine the chaos, because i couldn’t say the reality, i would only say that i don’t want it.
They all manage to switch my decision.
In May 2015 i met with my psycopath in Milan, so it will be half way between us. How romantic, a weekend gateaway. We have to consume each other psycally, he said.
It was dreamy for the 3 days, i was the queen.
He had a way of looking at people or whoever was looking at me, that scared me, but i ignored it. Even when at one point at the table he puts a pocket knife on the table and says “i will stab that guy if he doesn’t stop starring at you”. I found it cute and protective at the time and i enjoyed his “jealousy”.
After returning home i had the second attempt to cancel the wedding, again none of the families would understand…Again, i failed to take ground.
I started going to therapy, from June. I did not want to get married, because i knew i had no love for the man i was with, if i can cheat and lie and go places with another one. I felt incredible guilty, but also struggling in owning myself.
In June i went to his country, at that time, Italy. I own a travel agency so it was very easy for me to go around, saying is for work. I have done this since i was 23, nothing weird about it, everyone trusted me.
In July i got married and left for a week in Spain with my husband. It was the first time in 6 months that i would let him touch me, thinking to myself i will never go back to the psycopath.
Wrong…in august i was back in his arms, only it was what will it start to be a nightmare.
He started abuse me, he would force me to have sex in public places, non-stop, calling me names, screaming at me in public and in private and it was also the first time he hit me and when he pulled the wheel on the curves, saying he will kill both of us.
At the end of it, i left without ever thinking i will return. I was doing therapy, but i didn’t accept the term of the psycopath imposed by my therapist to him. I was desperate to have non stop contact with him and i would fail in seeing him in reality or learning anything about psycopaths. We would stay on the phone all the time…
In October i decide to stop therapy, because i didn’t like the truth stated by my therapist at the time and i will leave my husband.
I book one way ticket to Italy, thinking i will never return.
It lasted 2 months only, because i was constanly beated and he drugged me while i was sleeping so he could have sex with me while drugged…
He was laughing when i started remembering things the next day and he was finding pleasure to tell me how he did it.
I decide to book my return home and try save my marriage. I ask my husband for support and counciling, but he refuses, he rejects me and he says i am crazy, i need to treat myself, not him.. I felt once again alone, even if he was in part right.
In April 2016 i leave my husband, move out from our house and never with the intention of returning.
In all this time, i still went back to Italy, to see my psycopath, on montly basis…
In April i leave again with only one way ticket…
Same treatment repeated, i would always do crazy things for him, for his pleasure.
I need to say that he was not having a job, he didn’t finished highschool and he was abusing drugs and alchool.
I lived a nightmare, but there were those moments when i felt the magic he has imposed to be our relationship, saying that nobody can have what we have, that we are destined to be together and forever i will be in his life.
Because the abuse continued, because he wouldn’t find a job and still leaving on his daddy money, i decide to return home. He grabbed my neck and forced me down and said he will cut my throat and burry me in the back yard and nobody will know where i dissapeared. That way he could always have me.
I was scared, i was not telling anyone about this, we were posing in the Ok couple and felt completly trapped.
After making me lose 2 flights and 2 tickets, his father interfere and asked him to let me leave. He then had another episode, when he was speeding towards the airport, saying he will kill us both.
June 2016, i was safe home. My ex was trying to get back with me, accepting to do couple therapy, but all i wanted was to divorce. And so i did, in septemebre 2016 he finally accepted my divorce, after refusing it for several months.
November 2016 i was alone, after never being alone in my whole life, trying to accomodate myself to live alone, in a new house, trying to find ground and grow from all that i experienced.
In December 2016 my psycopath repears and tries to trick me again, but i refused going to him, so he had a severe episode with his father…and the police had to come and they had to sent him back to Canada, from where he was in fact.
January 2017, i book a ticket to meet my psycopath in London, 12 hours layover before his flight to Canada. We cried, we promised to see each other again.
The year of 2017 he got himself in big troubles in Canada, had 9 assault charges and multiple break and enetering in the house of his girlfriend.
He reached out for me in December 2017, tellimg me the “whole truth” and YES, i took him back!
In 2018 he comes for 6 weeks in my home country, “to fix everything he has done wrong” and show me how much he loves me and that i am the only one for him, and i was excited for his first visit….(After 3 years of on and off, i was the only one going to him…because a bunch of excuses.)
A dream, that showed me he is still the same ugly person, in and out, and he has never learned from his mistakes.
In the summer of 2018 i was severe beaten, till the point my ribs almost crushed, bruises all over my body and he would hit my knees, not being able to walk. He would shut me out from all my friends and family and for 6 weeks i have not meet with anyone and barely talked with outside sources, because he would get mad.
When he left, i promised myself never again..
And guess what, he sold me another dream..the canadian dream..so here i am booking my flight to Canada…October 2018 – January 2019, do i need to repeat it was a nightmare? We had days in a row that we wouldn’t leave the house. He has no job still, using a lot of drugs and again he drugged me, without my consent. I pannicked, i was feeling sick and i wanted to go to the hospital..he refused and told me to chill. It was horror! On my day of departure was his grandfather funeral, and again i felt sorry for him..seeing him so sad and depressed.
I would constantly find him excuses for his behaviour, because he had such a rough childhood and such a hard life. And i felt sorry for the guy, and i would rather let him hurt me, than seeing him in pain.
I leave, AGAIN, not wanting to go back.
I tell him it is over, he refuses. I start seeing someone else and it helped me to disconnect from him, in lots of ways. I didn’t stayed with that person, because i was not ready, but he helped me see that i deserve so much better.
But, guess what, a few weeks after he starts threatening me that he will come kill me and that guy and he was telling me exactly how he will do it..
Endless messages and calls and emails.
I pannic so i broke up with the person i was seeing, saying i am not ready for more, but being more afraid, in fact.
I start sharing my drama to my friends and partially my family. I was already ready to assume my choices, my mistakes, my life and own it with dignity, not trying to find any other guilt but me staying.
I was thinking in going to the cops, but i was ashamed…
In the end, as my frieds say now, he brain washed me again..so here i am…on a flight to CANADA myself!
May 2019 – 3 weeks in Canada
Were good. In the meanwhile, he took his licence and also his high school diploma, and manage to escape the assault charges, due to his fathers money. I am proud of him. He seems calm and happy and loving and carying and i feel like wow, he is finnaly back, the guy i felt for.
We started a job, 3 days after my arrival, wanting to show me he is capable of one. It last him 2 weeks, while i had to daily struggle with him to make him get up and go. Also, i had to stay in the house, for the whole time he was at work, because he didn’t like me wandering around.
I was obidient, in all forms.
He was no longer agressive to me, except the daily “cunt”, “whore”, “retard”, “stupid”, “fat cow” kinda of insults.
My friends were mad, because i am beautiful, independent, with so much ahead of me and i am letting a nobody to destroy my self-esteem bit by bit. They wanted to reach out to him, but i said no.
After some horror scenes, where i assisted in him stabbing his own brother, 2 days ahead of my departure, i was playing the good girl role, so i can get out.
I left, and AGAIN promised i will not return.
July 2019 he comes to Italy and starts asking me to come to him, even putting his dad asking me to come and put pressure on me. I refused, i said i was over, i didn’t want anything to do with him.
He lets me know he booked a flight and he is coming. And he did, until i shorted his stayed, left him in a hotel and change his flight ticket for an earlier day, because i caught him talking with another, soon to be victim, whom he just met in Italy.LONG STORY, STILL SHORT, i have to say. And thank you if you read it till the end.
All the things i refused seeing for so long are now SO CLEAR! I am reading about psycopaths, happy i survived one, knowing how it feels and telling you all out there that you are not crazy, you are not sick, they make you sick and until you yourself will not be ready to admit the truth and let go, without hoping or asking yourself why, they still can make their way back in.Even at times i colapse and not trust myself in going over this and being afraid he might come back and i might let him in again, I KNOW i want to move forward. I am working daily with myself, owning my choices and learning from these mistakes.
i am now ready to move forward, not ever looking back, knowing i am stronger than ever!So, hold on! Ask for help! Don’t be ashamed to say your story. Rape, abuse are not things to be ashamed of…and you need to tell it, you need to let it out, so you can be stronger than ever and maybe help others too. Make them fear, make them run, faster than you did, sooner than you were ready. Because sharing means raisig awarness and it might even save lifes.
Stay strong! -
luna- No Contact is the way to heal. What was the book you were reading that mentioned Lovefraud?
SG
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I have this book, mentioned in LoveFraud. You can buy it from Amazon..good book!! Also discusses the cop Drew Peterson, who killed one wife in a bathtub, killed and hid the body of another wife. Claudia’s book is worth the price. I have a sizable library of books about psychopaths. Its helped me understand more, what happened to ME…
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Hi luna,
Thank you so much for sharing your story and experiences. Going through all of the physical trauma that you went through was horrifying, and at the same time, it is important to consider the psychological issues as well. Denial really wrecks havoc when we are trying so hard to be strong because the mind has a mechanism whereby it will shut out information that is too painful for the rational part of ourselves to accept. So we end up in the dark, and it ends up getting worse and worse. Each episode of pain adds up and then it becomes more and more overwhelming for us to deal with, and it gets once again put away, not to be really seen so we end up acting unconsciously. I think because you have had a long history with this psychopath, that you are still in a vulnerable position. You need to slowly but surely let the steam of pain to be released from the intense pressure cooker of what you have been through. I think it would be wise for you to seek the help of a therapist to work with you about doing this and which would also give you protection. I understand that you did have therapy previously and that it didn’t work for you. There are so many different types of therapy and each therapist has their own personality. Just because they are a professional doesn’t mean that you will have a real connection with them or an affinity together. That is important. Also, some have gone through psychological pain and thus would have a more understanding attitude because they have gone through difficulties themselves, vs ones who can be judgemental. The dynamic of psychological abuse is actually a new understanding that has started on a grass roots level. Be sure to find someone who is well versed in the knowledge about it. While you are seeking for someone to work with, it would also be very helpful to you to read all about these issues here at this site, on the blogs and in the articles. There is so much offered to assist you. There are even webinars etc. Lastly, I do hope that you will continue to correspond with us her at this posting stream – remember that we are here for you.
Blessings -
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Hi luna,
What you are doing is just perfect! I congratulate you on your courage to face and deal with difficult issues. I think that abuse of all the ranges of the spectrum has been going on for a long long time, and most likely everybody thought they were the only ones and felt like they had to hide in shame. Now it is finally coming out that this is an enormous and prevalent problem that is affecting people world wide. It can’t remain hidden any longer! Now we can all help one another to regain our power and the happiness that we were meant to experience because that is the true essence of who we really are. It would be very inspiring to hear about your healing progress, and I know that everyone thanks you for all that you are doing. I really do believe that as each of us grows wiser and stronger, it also helps others who are striving too.
Blessings -
Luna – what a terrible story! I am so sorry for what you have experienced.
Please understand that involvements with sociopaths are addictive.That is why it was so difficult for you to get away from him.
Now that you are away, the key to staying away is NO CONTACT. Do not talk to him. Do not allow text messages or emails. Block his number on your phone – do not let him talk to you.
The longer you can maintain No Contact, the more you will recover.
You may also want to participate in our upcoming webinar:
Webinars on escaping sociopaths, narcissists and relationship abuse
It will really help you!
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Hi luna,
Congratulations on your beginning therapy! You might also want to check out Cathy O’Brien’s book called “PTSD – A Time To Heal”. In it she has actual techniques that you can use in conjunction with your therapy. She has some other books too about how she got saved from a horrific nightmare of mind control and those who did not want to let her go – but she made it! Your Ex is indeed a monster like he admitted and told you. You are wise when you said that we need to listen to people when they reveal who they really are and tell us so. It makes it difficult when they are in our ” aura ” and when by their mere presence they lower our own beautiful vibration until we even forget how beautiful we really are. So please keep protecting yourself ( by staying No Contact, no matter what ) while you are going through the process of rediscovering and remembering your true beautiful and shining self!
Blessings -
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luna- If you broke No Contact start over today.
SG
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lona- Find some positive addictions- exercise, music, movies, art.
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luna- So glad you will not give up.
SG
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hi luna –
I would have posted to you sooner, but this is the first time I’ve been online on this date, and its actually night here. Anyway, I wanted to tell you how very very sorry I am that you were treated so hatefully by that horrific person. You did not deserve that at all, especially since you cared for him and were so kind to him by trying to help him get off of those drugs. He is just too full of hate and that kind of person needs someone to be the target of it. However, you are still in better shape than you realize and that is because it is one thing to get a load of horrific and dark energy thrown on you, and it is quite another to live with that type of person day after day, or to spend concentrated time with someone like that. Because their ultimate intention is to make you powerless and to totally destroy you. Many women find themselves so worn down by abuse while at the same time if their job or the way they earn an income gets also destroyed, then they feel very trapped, and besides dealing with abuse, then they must face the challenge of getting out. You are not trapped and that is very very good, and if he is with someone else now that is even better. I know it hurts a lot right now, but it is a saving grace that his attention is focused elsewhere and that will keep him away from you. It was interesting because today I was listening to this song about a bird of paradise whose wings turned from black to white and I thought of you. Because your wings are indeed turning to white. You had a little set back, but just start to fly again on that good course that you have set for yourself and were doing so well with. About you husband – please do not feel guilty. We all grow emotionally in relationships, and if do you feel that you made a mistake in the way you handled the divorce, then you can forgive yourself and try to grow from the experience. Maybe when you have gone through all of this trauma, you might even get back together with your ex husband, or then again you might wish not to ? Life does take unexpected turns though. Anyway, the issue now is to get past the crisis of someone ( the monster ) smearing you. Realize that it is abuse that wishes us to hate and blame ourselves instead of realizing that it is the essential harm of abuse and abusers that is the problem, not us. One of the participants of this site shared a You tube of a powerful healing song, that brings true strength from abuse . You could check it out on I Tunes or on You Tube, but it is called ” Done ” by Frazey Ford. I think that you would gain a lot of strength from that song. ( She also sings the song about the bird of paradise that I mentioned above ). Hang in there for the storm of hurt to pass, and know that it will.
Blessings to you. -
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Hi luna,
you sound much much better after that ordeal ( all of it and the latest episode )! I loved what you said about that God must love you very much and has been guiding you through it all. So true. The problem with those ” monsters ” is that they can take even the good and twist it around so it appears ugly – whereas the good force ( or whatever you want to call it – angels?) brings us strength and courage and hope and the ability to behold the best in ourselves and the beauty within ourselves. Aside from the healing aspect of going No Contact, it also protects us from the poison which is so destructive to our deepest self. Aside from your ex’s obvious personality disorder, he has, as you described, a gigantic drug problem – it is so big that it is like a whirlpool with a deep undertow that will pull others down and unable to get up for air. So I count it as a miracle that you did get away and now are getting your breath back. I am truly happy for you as are your family and friends. I’m glad that they have stuck by you. You are a miracle and it touches my heart how so much goodness is shining on you.
Blessings -
Hi Luna, just read your original post…yes!! This guy is a psychopath!!
My ex did the same with regards to driving crazy. If I asked him to slow down on an icy road he would speed up to 90 mph weaving in & out of traffic. So incredibly scary…and that’s exactly what he wanted to scare me = to control me & my mind…(this guy is doing the same to you = not normal behavior)
He did so many crazy things. Then of course he would beg for my forgiveness and then the “cycle of abuse power wheel” would continue (google). You end up on a hamster wheel to no where Ville…always spinning to chaos & drama they create. That is until you just say “I am worth so much more then what I am accepting”.
Did you know Luna, that a woman is 5 TIMES more likely to be Killed by her abuser IF HE PUTS HIS HAND ON HER NECK!!
5 Times more likely to be Killed!!!
THIS GUY IS EXTREMELY DANGEROUS!!!
One thing that happened me see the truth in my ex husband when I first esxcpaed is reading Steven Hassan’s book Freedom of mind (Donna has a write up of this book just do a search)…
Do you know luna this guy is your cult leader….and you were is cult follower!!
Think about that. YES!! He was a cult leader. YOU HAVE BROKEN YOUR MIND FREE FROM HIM…but, to keep your mind free from his powerful addictive fake lying manipulative words you must KEEP THE NO CONTACT RULE IN PLACE.
The NO CONTACT RULE is the only way to stay safe & to have peace & calm in your life.
THIS GUY WILL NEVER CHANGE EVER…what you see is what you get!!!!
You know this!!
Change your phone number, block him on sociol media and slam the door shut for good on him. If he ever comes around you call the Police ASAP. Dont answer your door do not engage in a conversation with him…he will such in back in. That is what they do.
It’s not easy to do this…but YOUR GUT KEEPS TELLING YOU TO GET THE HELL AWAY FROM HIM!! YOU KNOW THIS!! Your mind is awake when you tell yourself that you will never go back to him…THIS IS YOUR GUT INSTINCT KICKING INTO HIGH GEAR!! Your gut is sending off ALARM BELLS of DANGER!!
Google “Oprah Gavin Debecker you tube” to watch their powerful interview on Gavin Debeckers book “Gift of Fear” (do a search on Lovefraud on this book). This book will remind you to listen to your gut instinct the very second you meet someone.
Just like a bird or animal that does not stick around to figure out if another animal or human is a “good guy or bad guy”…nope it just runs off or flies off!! Do the same when your gut alarm goes off.
Google “Steven Hassan “Bite model” to learn how this guy brain washed you just like any cult leader does to their followers. Also up at the top of Lovefraud you can find Donna’ anderson Bookstore filled with very helpful books to help you heal and also she has created online course to help you heal. The more you read and learn the easier it is to slam the door shut on this Psychopath!! For good.
NEVER LET HIM BOOMERANG BACK INTO YOUR LIFE. HE IS DANGEROUS. Believe his words that he will kill you.
Rememer the saying also:
If someone shows you in the past who they are = believe them!!
A predictor of future behavior is in past behavior!
Also, look into Adrenal fatigue (PTSD) with sites like “Dr Lam. com & Adrenal fatigue. org. You are most likely suffering from PTSD and adrenal fatigue issues that need to be also healed and once you heal your heath you will have a clearer mind and that will help you stay away from him.
Do a search on Lovefraud for “hormones”. There are several articles on this from a counselor.
Sending you huge hugs!! Very brave of you to write your story out…it’s one of the best things you can do to make steps toward your amazing new life!!
Take care.
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