Broken

hurt- Good to see your post. It will get better one day at a time. There is alot of help for recovery here.

SG

Hi hurt –
I think that his enmeshment with his family made the situation even more toxic than “ normal “ abusive relationships. Calling abusive relationships “ normal “, I know sounds strange , but as you pointed out they do have such a text book quality and follow a trajectory that you were able to describe so well. But as I was saying, the dysfunction in his family just magnified the problems and you became the scapegoat. So it was like a laser condensing all the stresses and problems right to your heart. Of course he had to love bomb you – they absolutely needed someone to carry all the sickness. But this is not to diminish your personal relationship with your ex. Something that I want to point out that you perhaps don’t realize is that the incident when he was so angry in his room and how you just got up and left was absolutely critical. That was your true, healthy authentic self acting on your behalf. When we are in an abusive relationship what happens usually is that as it escalates, we internalize more and more of the blame and get more and more confused and overwhelmed – this is particularly true when we have not been educated at all about this type of syndrome. But your true self shined through at that moment and his sick self recognized that light. That was the turning point of a confrontation that was on a very very deep level of your being. It was on that level that he acknowledged that you would not become a victim. I know what you are going through now is so painful – there is so much to sort through from memories to emotions to soul searching. This is all part of your healing. While you are going through it, please acknowledge what a beautiful and courageous being that you are and how your own very self saved you from a horrible danger. Can you imagine what would have happened if you had married that charactered disordered person plus how you would have even more been dragged into his family dynamic ? That was a close call! Nevertheless, I am sorry that you are feeling so hurt right now. You really did kind and loving things for him and gave him such loving support. Those silent treatments are a very cruel form of abuse. I know that you are reading and learning more and more about psychological abuse. Keep doing that because that understanding really does coat the heart with warmth and relief. If you find yourself feeling particularly low, use your will power to open one of those books. You will be amazed how every time you will suddenly get insights and energy and you will start to feel better and better. I congratulate on how well you already understand so much about what you went through.
PS – if there is anything that is particularly confusing about any incidents that you went through or need any clarity or support, we are here for you.
Blessings to you.

hurt- You’re grieving. Time and distance will help. See how Katie Holmes is doing after her recent breakup.

SG

hurt- The new target will be treated the same. Good you are not in contact and can move on. Take it a day at a time.

SG

Hi hurt –
One participant ( Tammilyn ) posted the topic “ when will he give up and move on ? “ in the forum section. You might find the response I gave helpful to read because I think it is pertinent to your situation. In any case, I know it feels so unfair that you are hurting, while your ex seems to be going on his jolly way without a care in the world. I’m going to give you an explanation that I hope you don’t find to be too gross ! But I think it is very apt. Let’s imagine that there is a person who is very anemic and has a disease in which they cannot produce blood. Some people donate blood to a blood bank and if that person gets a few pints of blood then they will be feeling very good. Now there is a limit to how much healthy people can donate because there is only a certain rate by which their blood can be replenished. Well, if the donor is giving and giving to the extent that it is over the healthy limit, and the receiver is getting far more than is even necessary, then you can see the grave imbalance. If this continues, the donor will be the one who gets very sick. When this example is applied to relationships, blood is energy and energy in abundance creates joy and love. When it is being shared and given freely to both people in a relationship, then the energy is even compounded. Lack of vital energy creates negativity that translates into negative emotions and the inability to have any enthusiasm about life. In your situation, your ex is still living off all of the energy that you so generously supplied and he is demonstrating this by showing off his attitudes and life style. By the way, this is one of the patterns that happen in abusive situations – the showing off . He is having a grand time at your expense. However, just like many who win the lottery – he will blow it all and have nothing left. He didn’t earn that money. But you are No Contact and that will give yourself the space and time to rest and rebuild. As your energy rebuilds, you will feel better and better. Love itself is a high energy. You loved him, and you miss him still. I understand that. Yet realize that that is love energy. Now all you need to do is to add wisdom and understanding to your love ( which you are doing with your educating yourself about this ) and you will be flying joyously again. Most likely, your ex will come “ hovering “ as he begins to feel negative again ( which he will ). So keep your guard up ! Realize that you have a wonderful new and happy phase of your life that awaits you! Hang in there.
Blessings

Hurt – I am so sorry for what you are enduring. What you have described is textbook narcissistic abuse. I was struck by the comment that you felt addicted. This is not your imagination – it is true. We just developed a webinar on “EFT tapping to break your addiction to a sociopath.” You might want to check it out.

Webinars on escaping sociopaths, narcissists and relationship abuse

Blood donations, eh? I’m sure Jonathan Harker would have had plenty to say about the danger of these bloodsuckers…

hurt – Your experience resonates with me, you describe yourself as “broken”. What do you do with something that’s broken? Well, you mend it!
You probably don’t think this is a very helpful thing to say right now as everything is very raw. Believe me, things will get better even though you feel terrible at the moment.
Never, never contact him again, don’t look back, you are addicted to the mirage he conjured up to deceive you. It wasn’t real, it’s hard to process at the moment as I well know, but that’s just what they do.
Be kind to yourself, strive to recover; remember, he was the one with the problem, he’s stuck in a lifelong nightmare from which he’ll never escape. You escaped, be grateful.

Hi hurt –
Today I posted a post to snow girl about “ Narcissistic offense “ and I mentioned that the pattern that you both went through was the same or very similar. I explained that the Idealize, Devalue, Discard did not happen as the usual pattern. And how both of yours were different. I hope that you will read the post I did on snowgirl’s “ 21 days “ because it was meant for you too. You both showed such wonderful strength, and I think that you could gain validation from each other’s story because you went through a similar ordeal and you both have such good and caring hearts.
Blessings

Hi Hurt –
I loved your post to snowgirl ( and hers to you ); you gave such kindness and that touched my heart. By the way, I LOVE Jackson’s book ! Truly amazing the way he can understand and empathize so incredibly well. About what you are going through – to share what I did when I went through the stage you are going through – I felt like I needed to get myself away from the whole ordeal mentally and emotionally, so I started to take lessons about something that really interested me and I corresponded with a private teacher and guide. So I had these lessons to manage to do – it was soooooo hard ! But I picked myself up ( I should say dragged myself ) to do it. I got more and more involved with my new interest and that was the way I personally took my first step back to me. If that idea appeals to you and you wish to run some of your own ideas by me and the other participants, I’d be happy to give feedback about how you might go about it. For example it would need to be some activity that is not too difficult etc. Anyway, it’s just a suggestion. Congratulations on your No Contact!
Blessings

Hi again hurt –
I just wanted to apologize in case I seemed to be pushing you beyond what you’re ready to do at this point. Anyway, I would like to reassure you that your joy and the love that is in your heart – that you will feel them again. You will be happy again.
Blessings

Hi hurt –
I love how willing you are to move forward and you have shown wonderful courage. I like that you are doing crochet. It is a creative and satisfying endeavor – I think it would be good for you to get together with a group who crochets together. That would give you a direction and environment away from the past hurts. As far as other ideas about moving forward – I have ( what I think is ) a great idea for you ! Aikido martial arts ! I don’t know if you know anything about it, but it is not a usual martial art – the founder had these experiences and found a method to transform attacks into love energy. He was a master of all the martial arts and then came to this understanding. How it relates to you, is that you were under a horrible attack – on a psychological level. If you are able to start a movement exercise that builds your body and your personal power then you will also be enabled to transform all of the ill intent that was directed at you and transform it. So the Aikido is not just working with the body but it works with the psychological system of dealing with others. Also, getting to a setting where you will be with a group and having exercise movement in itself would be wonderful for you I think. So you might google and find out more about it, if this idea is something that rings for you.
Blessings to you.

Hi hurt –
I got another idea that I thought you might find useful: when you are doing your crocheting, you could put into practice a suggestion from Patrick’s Psychopath free book. It’s on page 140-141. It’s in the part called “Un-Brainwashing” contributed by ‘Searching for Sunshine’. You can read the whole part if you want, but here are a few of her quotes : “ I resolved to read the material describing psychopathic behaviors each time I had the need to tell my mind to be quiet.” … “ This is exactly how I maintained No Contact, and shut up once and for all the doubting voice screaming at me through the cognitive dissonance, which before had never seemed to run out of ideas with which to challenge me. “ … “ The percentage of truth you put into your mind is in direct proportion to the percentage of psychopathic brainwashing that you put out of it. “ . So I was thinking that as you did your crochet work, you could be thinking about portions of truth from the books that you have been studying. Actually, that is what you might just be doing already!
Blessings to you.

Hi Hurt –
Your kindness of spirit is beautiful. I wanted to mention that ( in case you haven’t seen it ), I started a new Forum topic ( it is in “ Recent Forum Topics “ ) called “ This is for all our wonderful participants “. I created it to be a space where participants could post quotes they really like or have found to be especially helpful. I was touched that Donna contributed. But I wanted to say that it has been fun for me to think of which quotes I want to share and then post them. I’m finding it to be a creative expression as well. You might enjoy reading some of the quotes that are there thus far and it might be fun and creative for you to post quotes that you would like to share there too ( if you feel like it ). Anyway, my latest is a quote from Morihei Ueshiba, who was the founder of Aikido. In any case, wow – you are doing so wonderfully ! Remember that the healing is a process which does take time. Yet, I believe that there comes a time when the grip is off, even if there are emotions to still process and clarity to still achieve. I truly believe that you have crossed that line. I know that you will continue to grow in light and love.
Blessings

hurt- Thining of you.

SG

Hi hurt –
I’ve been thinking about you and wondering how you’re doing ? How’s your crocheting coming along ( what do you like to make ? ), and how’s your healing progressing ? Have you had any realizations about what you went through that you might like to share ? One thing I noticed for myself was that I would be struggling with the issue of psychological abuse, but then I would be thrown into cognitive dissonance, and I would start to doubt, thinking of the good things – until one day I finally woke up and I said “ oh – it was abuse “ and that was it – no more doubts plagued me, and I felt a new sense of peace. In any case, I hope that you are doing really well.
Blessings to you.

Hi hurt –
You have addressed some very important issues in your latest post. It has been bringing up some ideas and I also want to contemplate the issues more. So I’ll be getting back to you when I have gone through that process.
Blessings to you.

Hi hurt –
I have gotten my ideas all sorted out. I have learned much from books and also putting those ideas as related to my own experiences to come to understandings. What I would like to do is to post responses to your last post in parts. This is only under the condition that it would be something that you would welcome. If not, then I will not proceed and it would be completely fine and would not bother me at all. In any case, the parts that I have in mind are simply in response to points in your post: 1. About your co-worker, 2. About realizing “ what a fool I was for disregarding the red flags “ ( this would take a little longer and would need 2 posts ) 3. About the “ ghosting “issue 4. Strategy to deal with the “ ghosting “ 5. Smear Campaign. I was thinking that I’d go in order and post a few times a week until the parts are complete. If you would prefer feedback in a different order or further apart, that would be fine too. If you’d like a different schedule please let me know. It would be helpful if you could describe the ending of your relationship in a little more detail and the patterns of abuse during your relationship – so that I could discuss point # 3 better. I have learned so much contemplating the issues from your post, and would wish to share. But as I said, if that would make you at all uncomfortable, that is totally OK. Please let me know how and if you would like to proceed.
Blessings

Hi hurt –
Thanks for sharing more about what occurred in your relationship. That will help me a lot in the analysis about your ex’s ghosting. I do want to mention now though, that I thought that was the kindest thing that you did to invite his mother to the afternoon movies. That was so lovely of you. Anyway, as I said, I’ll address the ghosting issue in part 3. I want to mention a caveat before I proceed with my sections of analysis. That is that I am sharing from my understanding and experience at this point. I think that this field of knowledge is still relatively new, and that everyone is coming to more and more understandings and discoveries all the time. So if I say something that doesn’t resonate with you, just leave it and only take what you find to be helpful. You are also welcome to bring up anything that you don’t agree with if you would like and we could have a posting conversation about it. I’m sure that you have much wisdom that you have gleaned ! Now for part 1 about your co- worker. She is in the deep stage of addiction in the abusive relationship. By the way, that was not the issue that you had. You had different things going which I’ll address in part 2. Her addiction plays out in which the pain and anxiety that she is experiencing is too much for her to bear. It is too emotionally overwhelming to face the loss of her most significant relationship, and her hopes of the happiness she wishes to have with her husband. She just can’t face having her dream collapse and having her marriage end, and to see her husband’s true character. So when she has evidence that all is collapsing, she is not in complete denial ( otherwise her brain would compartmentalize it and she would dissociate and not feel a thing ), but she is in what we could call partial denial – her true self is screaming at her to look at the truth, but her addicted part won’t or can’t. That clash causes huge duress and in the meantime, her husband plays into it as well. He swoops in to “ save “ her ( she feels, “ oh, my hero ! “), and he feeds her with all the false sweetness and lies that she wants to hear. She believes him, and all her anxiety is relieved. So like a drug addict, she is needing a “ fix “ badly, her body and emotions are all in a state of intense duress and craving, then the drug pusher gives her the drug, and she is in a state of euphoria. The relief seems much greater than it really is because it is contrasted with the previous pain. I think her husband knows exactly what he is doing too. His excuse of not contacting her the day of his class seems pretty lame to me. He could have easily gone to his car to check his cell phone – which I am sure he did just like everybody else in the military class did. To get over the addiction that she has ( which by the way does involve hormones and chemicals produced by the body ), she needs to get help. She cannot kick this habit by herself. It’s cyclical too. Like drug addicts, some do get help and recover and some end up dying from their disease. Psychological addiction can produce disease on many levels and can in later stages prevent a person from being able to function and do any life promoting behaviors and responsibilities. Zari Ballard describes her experience with the anxiety being relieved by her ex very vividly in her book called, “ Narcissist Free “. If I was in your position, I would give my co worker Zari’s book ( not expensive on Amazon ) and tell Her that you don’t think that she is crazy, but that you think she is suffering from hidden psychological abuse. I think that there is nothing further you could do. I think it is kind of you to be concerned about her, and I know how difficult it is to see someone going down hill knowing that it is up to them to reach out for help. I’ll be sending you the first part of Part 2 in a few days !
Blessings.

Hi hurt –
Here is the first part of part #2 :
When a survivor is away from the psychopath for a sufficient amount of time, they will go through a stage as you described so succinctly, “ What a fool I was for disregarding the red flags. “. In the field, which I will call the science of the psychology of psychopaths, there have been many discoveries into and naming the different behaviors that psychopaths exhibit. It quite amazes everyone how under the seemingly and sundry details, there are basic patterns psychopaths all seem to follow – almost like a script. In the same way, there have been inroads of discovery describing and explaining how survivors respond to the overwhelming psychopathology of psychopaths. And also about the stages of recovery in which survivors go through for healing.
When faced with and encompassed by extreme pain, survivors will seek out, quite naturally, explanations about the psychopath. This is essential in obtaining their freedom from the terrible grip that is upon them. Then when having no contact for a certain amount of time, and learning even more about the nuances of the predator, the survivor begins to focus on themselves. Even after having no contact, there are psychological stages that are gone through and practices to work on for complete healing. I think the first part of this stage is when the feelings of shame and self blame emerge ( feeling like a “ fool “ etc. ). But this is something like a paradox, because in actuality it is still part of being in the abuse. It is like a mechanism that is put into place by the psychopath so the victim will self destruct if they try to leave the abuse base ( whether in the physical proximity of the abuser or not ). It can be understood in part of what Patrick Mac Kenzie explained about the silent treatment (in his book, ‘ Psychopath Free “). When he said, “ The silent treatment is a form of brutal abuse – one that pits you against your own mind. You declare war on your intuition and everything you know to be true. “ Then he says something about identity erosion, and then “ … you will torture yourself, carrying on the remainder of the abuse for them. “ … “ You will run through everything you’ve done in the relationship, blaming yourself …”.
What is very interesting is that this ties into the discard stage. It is as if the psychopath knows when they have gone enough distance to know when they can bow out, knowing that the victim will self destruct. By the way, getting ahead of myself a bit, there are many different ways to discard and some are passive aggressive, like “ ghosting “.
This is when the survivor definitely needs to seek help. Because without the knowledge that is now available, the survivor will spiral down into a black hole of negativity. And this is exactly what the psychological abuser wants to happen. At this stage, just as the survivor did when seeking out understanding of the psychopath, they now need to seek out more of the emerging discoveries that have been made in the mind sciences and to gain the knowledge to get out of the abuse base and to transition into healing.
As survivors learn more about the process that they went through, a new understanding replaces the self blame. Here is when their self love and self respect begin to heal and grow. Happily, as I said, there have been discoveries about this.
I am going to enumerate these different concepts which I have learned for you. It may take more than 1 more part of # 2, so that each post is not too long, and also to give you time to think about the concepts. If you are busy at any point, and would like me to give you longer intervals between posts, let me know. I’ll stop here and post you again in a few days.
Blessings

Hi hurt – Your feedback is much appreciated. Plus it gave me more info about your ex, who, by the way, in Part 3 is going to get “ diagnosed “ – then he’ll be in the hot seat, or squirming in the court room chair ! I need to tell you that Part 2 will be taking more posts than I previously thought. But there is important info I want to get to you. I want to respond about your recent posts concerning your co worker and “ the record machine “ etc. It is my opinion that you should no longer listen to your co workers complaints and issues about her husband. You are absolutely not in a space to deal with any more than you are and it will hamper your moving forward with your own healing. What I would do if I was you, would be to give her Zari’s book in a nonchalant manner ( not as a gift ) and at the same time tell her that you are still in the throws of trying to get over a very difficult breakup and hearing about the difficulties that she is having with her husband is triggering you to open your wounds and it is upsetting you. Tell her that you think that some kind of counseling would really help her, plus this book ( give her the book then ). Next, I wanted to address what you said about “ throwing away the record “ and negative thoughts, and that you are going to be mindful of happier thoughts. Good for you ! Doing the replacing technique is good too. I have another fantastic technique that I think you’ll get much benefit from. I just figured it out myself, but recently I saw it in Amber Ault’s book and she called the technique “ naming snakes “. What this is about is that when you have recurring thoughts about situations and incidents in which your ex was being abusive, it is the mind trying to get your attention about the trauma. We have already gone through so much denial about what was occurring during the season of abuse, that your mind wants to be heard now and validated. Trying to shut it up doesn’t work ( though your replacement idea is very good too ), but here is the naming snakes technique which validates you and thus comforts the mind and then your mind will naturally quiet down because it will feel heard. When your mind gives you a picture of an incident, you immediately name it. For example, when you remember that your ex said “ I have doubts about you . “ immediately name it “ discard “, and then that’s when you place your mind on something positive. Anyway, you might like to try “ naming snakes “ and see if it works for you. I’m going to write another post for you right after I submit this one, in order to proceed with Part 2.
Blessings.

Hi hurt –
To continue with part 2 – There is an old question that goes, “ Why didn’t she leave ?” . This is actually no question at all, but it’s an accusation and is victim blaming. Jackson Mackenzie had a wonderful answer, “ … your friends will wonder why you didn’t speak up sooner. They will not understand that you didn’t even know you were in an abusive relationship.” Nevertheless, as I already said, many reasons have now been discovered. The one’s I will address are enumerated below. I’m sure that when I point them out in this context, you will already be aware of many if not all of them – but having them together and spelled out will enable your mind to have an anchor and thus will stop the inner no win dialogue that can otherwise occur. I think you can apply it to the “ naming snakes “ technique I explained. By the way, with the “ naming snakes “, you can use anything that can name an incident or situation. It doesn’t have to be psychopath terminology – it can be a lyric from a song that matches, or a scene in a movie etc. Here are the categories I will be discussing – 1. Love Bombing and Trust 2. Programming 3. The Pebble Theory 4. The Invisible Relationship/Relationship as Entity 5. Necessity of Information 6. Lack of Validation/ The Patterns of Abuse 7. Trust and Cognitive Dissonance 8. Outside vs Inside View 9. Reality 1 & Reality 2. I will begin the explanations of the enumerated categories in a few days. I’m going to do 1 or 2 categories per post and will post them every 2 – 3 days.
Blessings to you.

hurt- Glad you are doing better and polestar is helpful.

SG

Hi hurt –
Here is the discussion about Love Bombing and Trust –
The stage of Love Bombing is something that needs careful consideration, because it is exactly what the label implies – it is an actual bomb and it is devastating. The victim does not comprehend this, and only is cognizant of the wonderful feelings of love and adoration. But what has actually occurred is that the deepest and most precious part of their being has been coaxed out – namely their trust, hope and love. Now out, the psychopath has something to work with – to use to manipulate and then to attempt to destroy. The other thing that Love Bombing does is to get the victim into the relationship. Again, the relationship is something the victim will treasure. With this state of affairs, it is natural that they will put out tremendous energy to keep love and the relationship alive and well. While they are demonstrating wonderful character traits for this purpose, like patience, kindness and forgiveness, the psychopath is doing everything possible to sabotage all these efforts. The victim has no idea that a war is even going on, which was started by the “ bomb “. So when the attacks begin ( and they begin very covertly), like deliberately “ forgetting “ something that perhaps was meaningful or just a sweet request, the victim will not see it as a crazy making attack, but will reason that people, after all, do forget things. This kind of dynamic goes on and on, to and into the devalue stage, where the abuse is more frequent and the pain becomes apparent and the Love Bombing continues to take its toll. This is because the victim already has a large amount of trust stored up from the LB stage and begins to use it. They think that whatever their partner is doing that seems hurtful, is totally unintentional – they still trust him. The victim also has a large store of hope, so they think that these mean behaviors will somehow pass and they hope that their partner will become loving once again. So the victim doesn’t comprehend that they have been under continual attack and they don’t see how weakened they have become from these attacks. Patrick Mackenzie put it very well, “ You never entered a relationship with the psychopath expecting to be abused, belittled, and criticized – first you were tricked into falling in love, which is the strongest human bond in the world. Psychopaths know this. “
I will continue with the categories that I have enumerated previously and will post again in 2 or 3 days.
Blessings

Hi hurt –
Continuing on with category 2 :
2. Programming – Our culture has programmed us since childhood to believe that a relationship equates to marriage ( or a commitment ), that it is something to be accomplished and that’s all there is to it and then you live “ happily ever after “. Regardless of all the self help books out there, it is a deeply held unconscious belief and expectation that keeps us in a state of trust and blindness to anything that contradicts this. It is also this programming that places us in a double bind regarding the question, “ why didn’t she leave ? “ because the flip side of the question is the programming, “ If you want to get out of the relationship, you better have a damn good reason! “. ( Of course, abusers have no problem giving no explanation or else will fabricate a bunch of lies – they are good at double standards ). Psychopaths understand this and are very good at camouflaging their abuse, so you don’t have something specific to point to in order to leave the relationship with a “ proper justification “, or to have something to bring clarity to yourself. This leaves you feeling too guilty or confused to leave should you gain enough awareness that something seems very wrong but you’re not sure what it is. This leads to the next category which I will post right after this one.
Blessings to you.

Hi hurt –
Here is an explanation for category 3, The Pebble Theory :
In her book, ‘ Healing From Hidden Abuse ‘, Shannon Thomas answers the question that survivors often ask, “ How did I let this happen to me ?”. She explains that psychological abuse is difficult to pinpoint and that is what makes it so insidious. She says “ they work hard to hide their true motives “ and that the abuse is not a “ one and done type of harm.”. So the process that survivors go through is like collecting pebbles. Each pebble represents a single, negative encounter. At the beginning of the relationship, when the survivor has encountered just a few of these, they shrug them off. They think that nobody is perfect, people have good and bad days, and don’t take these unpleasant moments too seriously. In order for the abuse to be perceived, they will need many more of these moments to be able to detect some kind of a pattern. Then the moments become more frequent ( conditioning starts to occur also ). The visual representation is of a person collecting pebbles in a bag. At first it is not heavy at all, but in time it becomes too heavy to carry. It sneaks up on the survivor. If finally the abuser is confronted, they will try to isolate one incident and argue that what they did was “ no big deal “. Patrick Mackenzie alludes to this concept as well when he writes, “ Covert abuse is impossible to prove, because it’s always strategically ambiguous. “.
I’ll continue with the categories in 2 to 3 days.
Blessings to you.

Hi hurt –
I’m writing out of order of my planned schedule because I think you need some first aide. Just so you know, I went through devastating emotions like you are experiencing. I think our psychology has different parts, like for example everybody now-a-days recognizes that we have an inner child who we can access and that is a reality. I think that we also have an inner lover. So while you are learning so much about psychological abuse, your inner lover is still so so sad to have lost “ her man “. So, you will go through that until you go a little further in your healing. A ways down in this post I’ll explain that more, but first I want to say that I am so happy that you will be getting Shannon Thomas’s book. It really was my main healer in terms of books. The reason is that she has devised workable steps to proceed with for healing. And they totally work. For me, I would proceed and then back loop to a step that was before but I think this is how real healing occurs, and then I would continue etc. So, I am delighted that you will get her book. In the meantime, there is a healing movie that I wanted to tell you about. Sunny Gal recommended it and it is called, ‘ French Kiss ‘ with Meg Ryan and Kevin Klein. Pure magic! You will need to purchase it cuz it’s not available for streaming etc. But it’s not expensive and you can find the DVD on EBay or Amazon. To go back to what I was saying about the inner lover – in Jungian psychology, there are what is called, “ archetypes “. Two of these are the anima and animus. According to that theory, males have an inner female called the “ anima “ and females have an inner male called the “ animus “. What happens is that the female will “ project “ her inner man on the male she is having a relationship with ( and vise versa for males ). Her healthy animus loves her and this matches with love bombing, but as abuse starts, her animus gets sickened or she just looses touch with her true inner male. So why the movie is so healing, is that after Kate ( character in the movie ) gets dumped, and her fiancé runs off with someone else, Kate’s animus arrives ( Luc ) – just to be clear – from my point of view, the animus is being portrayed as a character in the movie – but the animus that is within can be seen in our lives in different ways. For example, when you hear a song about someone who loves their girlfriend so much and when listening to the song, you feel very loved, that is an example of your animus being projected. In the movie, as Kate gets healed more and more, she detaches from her ex, who is not her true animus, and her animus ( Luc ) grows more healthy until she is able to actually be healed and loved. What is important is that what she is finally able to do and what we who have been abused also need to do, is turn around being in the discarded position, but to take that decision and making our own decision that we do not want our ex. This can come way after going No Contact. In the movie, Kate actually does this, but it can and must be done inwardly by survivors. The movie will help you through your feelings of worry about other women too. I hope all of this isn’t too long or complicated. But there is a scene in the movie that was so tender when Luc was assuring Kate how her ex would disappear from her consciousness ( different exact words ) and how she would be able to “ begin again “. It was just so kind, I thought – and our true animus is very kind. So, the book and the movie will be very healing for you, I think. I’ll continue with my categories in a few days.
Blessings

Hi hurt – here is category 4 –
The Invisible Relationship/ Relationship as entity – We have sent astronauts to the Moon, we have made huge advancements in science from the discovery of the atom ( and much smaller ) to knowing the physiological workings of the body to having all kinds of diagnostics for disease. But when it comes to relationships, all we get to know in general is that people fall in love. There is a black out for the majority of people, a complete blindness akin to being back in the dark ages. It can be described as “ anything goes “, even though there is actually a structure of relationship and a way to examine it and a way to navigate through it – it is something with a definite form which can be healthy or sick, and can be entered into or left. If someone has absolutely no conception about this structure, they will have no way to use their discrimination. They won’t be able to set healthy boundaries, they won’t be able to see what is fair or not, and they won’t be able to have a vision of how they want the relationship to be and to steer it if necessary and possible. They just try to cope. When the partners both have integrity and a natural good will, they can still manage even in the dark. When it comes to a psychopath, they take advantage of the good heart of their victim by this ignorance and either completely take over and dominate the relationship or vacate it while keeping up the pretense of being in it, but in reality they are keeping the victim a prisoner in a one sided relationship ( while abusing them from outside ).
I will continue to category 5 directly after I post this one.
Blessings

Hi hurt –
Here is category 5 –
Necessity of Information –
With all the programming by culture and the lack of dissemination of knowledge about relationship ( it’s there, just not common knowledge for most people ), there is still the issue about psychopaths and character disordered individuals to be considered. We have simply not be taught or educated about these people in order to be on guard for protective purposes. Plus it is a relatively new science. I personally believe that governments have known about this for much longer and have studied and honed abusive techniques for their mind control programs – which whistle blowers, Kathy O’Brian and Mark Phillips have brought to light. I think they were the reason that we have the crucial technique of “ No Contact “. But this is not something that we would naturally seek out to study or pursue, like when we think, “ hey, I want to learn to play the guitar ! “. By in large in the same way we are in the dark about the structure of relationships, we are generally in the dark about predators in the form of psychopaths. There are now books available ( thank heavens! ) and sites such as Love Fraud, but we are not likely to seek them out until we are in trouble. That is OK though. But it is usually ( at this point in history ) after the fact. Nevertheless, it is only by using this information and the support by those who “ get it “, that we can have any chance at all to extricate ourselves from the destruction that the abuser has planned. We just can’t do it without guidance and information.
– I realize that I have a lot of categories and have posted a lot about why victims are not to be blamed for the abuse that befell them. I’m going into it a lot, before we get to the place where I will be dissecting your ex’s behavior, because I want to make you immune to the tendency that we all have to somehow blame ourselves, one way or the other. It is amazing the way that the brain can come up with so many variations on that theme!
I’ll post more in 2 or 3 days.
Blessings to you.

Hi hurt –
I was wondering if you could elaborate on what you said in your first post about your ex cheating on you. You never alluded to it again. If you don’t want to go into it, I would understand. I have plenty of things about your ex to give you feedback already, but I wanted to see where that fits into the picture if possible. As I said though, if you rather not, no prob.
Blessings

Hi hurt –
Here is category 6 –
The Lack Of Validation/Patterns Of Abuse –
As human beings, I think we are “ wired “ with a need for support, validation and to be understood. I believe that these are components of love, which we naturally wish to share with our partner. But when these are not present as I discussed previously in the pebble theory, it takes awhile to detect, and that covert abuse is hard to prove by individual, small incidents or by trying to prove a negative. So a lack of support, validation and understanding is very difficult to detect or to even be aware of. This is because it isn’t something that someone did wrong, it is something that is not there. This could be also explained as passive aggressive behavior. What it does is to leave survivors vulnerable to self doubt about the validity of their experience of psychological abuse and of their feelings of being psychologically abused. These feelings ( among others ) are feeling hurt, upset or confused. Some of the patterns ( as per the Pebble Theory ) that indicate abuse which otherwise might not be seen are ( from Patricia Evan’s book, ‘ The Verbally Abusive Relationship ‘ ) – the abuse is rarely, if ever in public ( secrecy )/ “ going public “ is a huge escalation, it is unexpected, it occurs when the partner feels that everything is fine or when the partner is feeling happy, enthusiastic or successful, it comes to feel familiar like a recurring incident manifested in different ways, the abuser often communicates disdain for the partner’s interests and does not seek reconciliation or to be bothered by upsetting incidents, the relationship seems to be functional in terms of performing tasks which make the victim forget even quite recent abusive incidents, the partner finds herself isolated in some way, the abuser defines her, the relationship, himself and upsetting interactions in a way that is very different from the partner’s experience, the partner does not say to the abuser what she hears him say to her. These are some of the reasons that psychological abuse is called “ hidden abuse “. —— I will continue the categories in 2 to 3 days. Also, I was wondering if you would be willing to explain in what capacity you were acquainted with your ex for 30 years, and if there was an interval in which you were not in communication and then if and how you got reacquainted ? This would help me understand your situation better – but as I said before when I asked a different question about your relationship, just answer if you want to – if not, no prob.
Have a very Happy Thanksgiving !
Blessings to you.

Hi hurt –
Thanks for your kind reply. The added info helped me to see your relationship even clearer, which I will be posting about after I’ve finished with the categories about all the reasons survivors get hood winked. About discussing the movie, ‘ French Kiss ‘ – that would be wonderful ! We can share a lot of insights and apply a lot of our new knowledge about relationship dynamics. And it will be fun to do ! Plus I’m glad that you have the DVD. I’d like to discuss it after we’re done with the project we’re working on that relates to your post in which I am giving feedback about. Just so things don’t get complicated, if that’s OK with you. To continue with the categories – Category 7 – Trust and Cognitive Dissonance –
When one enters a relationship, by definition there must be trust, otherwise they would not have entered it in the first place. Nobody ( from my observation ) really stops to consider, “ hmmmm, this is the courting stage. “ or “ hmmm, this is the love bombing stage. “ So there is trust in the new relationship. There is also a feeling of “ home “ or a hope of having that feeling. When the partner who is actually an abuser suddenly does something or says something abusive, there is a clash between the trust and the offensive behavior. This is ( as you know ) Cognitive Dissonance. This state cannot be held for too long because it causes too much pressure and discomfort for the mind to hold two opposing “ truths “ at the same time. There have been scientific studies done about this. So very quickly the mind will choose one and ignore the other. If the relationship is new, hope and trust will win out ( especially when we consider the Pebble Theory ). Somehow the psychopath knows this and begins to push boundaries that the unsuspecting partner isn’t even aware that they have, and their reaction will be to make excuses or rationalizations for the psychopath. This is how, little by little the abuser obscures the partner’s clarity and sense of self. Stockholm Syndrome starts to take effect in that the victim begins to focus on the abuser, instead of keeping their own center and gradually becomes obsessively attached with an overwhelming “ love “ for them. At this point there is taking place a huge inner battle within the victim’s being ( that they are not even aware of ). Though weakened, their true self is still alive ( the abuser intent is to kill it ). This true inner self is the one who will suddenly and unaccountably ( as far as the abuser is concerned ) stand up for their rights regardless of the consequences, or seek therapy or books etc. It’s been weakened, but each person’s true self is so incredibly noble and courageous, that it will fight. So a battle ensues between the part of themselves that has become victimized and which has come to identify with the abuser ( to see things too much from the abuser’s point of view ) – and their true self. Even after a victim has been discarded and/or gone No Contact, the battle rages on. I think this is the beginning of the healing process and because it is not comfortable nor a peaceful process, it is the reason that many survivors have such a hard time at this stage and some will break the No Contact ( to alleviate the tension of the inner struggle ). But if the survivor can get through this and “ keep on keeping on “, and stays away from the abuser completely ( physically to begin with ), the true self will win out and that is when their peace and happiness will return. When you said, “ I’m scared one encounter will derail everything “ – there is truth to that, but you have power of knowledge now – if you do somehow see him it would be an opportunity to exercise that power provided you handle it skillfully. My advise if you should find yourself in that kind of situation, is to not look at him, turn around and go the other way. Never say “ hello “ or try to look like you are doing just fine without him etc. ( that is what often messes people up, because the psychopath will always win in any encounter ). If you are driving and see his vehicle, do not look to see how he is doing even if you think he doesn’t see you – just immediately turn your car around and drive another way. Same goes about if someone tries to tell you about him. Tell them that you don’t want to hear about him at all. I think you get the picture. So don’t worry because you can definitely do this.
I’ll continue my posting in 2 to 3 days.
Blessings to you.

Hi hurt – Onwards to category 8 – Outside vs. Inside View – Sometimes the abuse is so well hidden, and the abuser seems like such a nice, charming person and even in some cases a humanitarian or with a respected position in society, that people looking at the couple cannot perceive any abuse happening. They will often see the abused partner not looking well, with all kinds of problems ( that have been caused by the abuse ). They will often side with the “ poor “ abuser who has to put up with all their partner’s problems. They will have no idea that this charming person is an abuser and thus the victim will not only be deprived of validation, but will be isolated from their social group. On the other hand, sometimes the abuse is quite apparent to others. They can see obvious unacceptable behavior and think that the victim should know to leave the relationship. Their critical attitude again isolates the victim and also leaves them feeling shame and self blame. What people do not understand is that the victim is actually trapped. Putting aside all the reasons that I have explained thus far, we still need to take another view of how the victim perceives the situation from inside of the relationship. In some cases, they see the abuse clearly, but for practical reasons they can’t get away. There are many of these cases, but here is one such example : a dangerous partner who is threatening the victim and/or children if they try to leave etc. But there is another type case to consider: that is when the victim can’t decide what to do – which is called ambivalence. It happens because though the abuse is sometimes happening, at other times there are wonderful moments. It seems like there are two different people they are dealing with. It is so confusing. So the victim, when trying to figure out what to do, keeps weighing the good against the bad to try to find a solution. But the weighing process doesn’t ever work, and they end up never coming to or being able to make a decision ( kind of like Hamlet ). This is not the same thing as cognitive dissonance in which two issues are opposing and occurring simultaneously with a confused state of mind. When ambivalence is present, a person has a choice and it is up to them to make it. But usually what happens is that they go back and forth from one set of circumstances to another, and then they either get over exhausted or it is just so frustrating, that they decide to put off thinking about it until “ another day “ like Scarlet in ‘ Gone With The Wind ‘, and they stay stuck. In this situation, more knowledge is needed about psychological abuse, which would help to remedy the impasse and then they must take a stand against the abuser and a stand for themselves. I also think outside assistance would be very helpful too. In this category, I want to include the issue of “in groups“ and “out groups“ – it is so important. Human beings are naturally social beings and have a need to belong. Groups are naturally created. They can be anywhere from a family to a football team etc etc – all that is natural, but the problem is that what all too often occurs is that some groups take on the attitude that their group is the superior, “in group“. Those, therefore who are not included in their group are looked upon as inferior. What I have noticed, is that abusers twist this principle of groups and belonging as a technique. How they do it is that they form a relationship with the victim, and the relationship is actually a group of 2 and both partners are part of it. Then the abuser starts a switch-a-roo, and turns the tables – gradually they start to triangulate, whereby they begin to distance themselves from their partner, and to form a connection with whoever is the 3rd party ( or even a group ). Slowly but surely, the victim is no longer a part of a group with them – they are actually off being a part of another group. But it happens so gradually and is so difficult to perceive, that the partner doesn’t see or understand the dynamic ( who would ? ). Finally, their partner is in a different “group“ altogether which they define as being superior, and they take on a superior attitude towards their original partner. Plus, the partner is left out in the cold emotionally and is standing there alone ( unbeknownst to them ) without their group (the relationship). But the abuser keeps them strung along making them believe that the relationship group is still in tact when it is not ( this is the ultimate lie ). The victim can’t see all of this covert psychological shenanigans but tries and tries to bridge the gap in love that they intuit seems to have gone off track somehow. So instead of seeking support from the outside, and instead of seeking a new group to belong to, the victim seeks to restore their relationship to what it once was. You can see how demoralizing and disempowering this is to the survivor. And it is part of the inside vs outside view because the abuser is manipulating and juggling these two concepts very adroitly. Thus ends category 8. I’ll post in 2 to 3 days to continue.
Blessings.

Hi hurt – Category 9 – Reality 1/ Reality 2 : Patricia Evans, in her book, ‘ The Verbally Abusive Relationship “, puts forth her theory about verbal abusers in relation to victims that explains why victims respond as they do to abuse. I wholly subscribe to her theory and believe it to be true. She says that there are two different realities and people’s mentality and actions reflect one or the other reality. Reality 1 is “ power over and shows up as control and dominance “, and Reality 2 is “ personal power and shows up as mutuality and co-creation “. The problem is that if the victim doesn’t know that their partner is in a different reality, then every time the partner acts abusively in order to take power, the victim will try to understand the abuse through the lens of mutuality and they will think that the abuser really does want to be kind and cooperative, but that they are having some problem or difficulty for one reason or another to do so. This keeps the victim in a state of striving to get the abuser to understand or to help them overcome their “ problems “ through giving more love etc. with a waste of energy to try to bring harmony to an abusive relationship.
That ends category 9. – – – If after reading all the explanations from all of the categories, and your mind still continues to self blame and to think up all kinds of incidents to prove that you are guilty ( which it does have the tendency to do ), then here are some actions you can take : 1) Realize that none of us is perfect. We all have weaknesses, vulnerabilities, blind spots and a lack of knowledge. That a loving relationship is a place where we can develop and grow. It is supposed to be a safe environment where a person can overcome their weaknesses to become all they wish for their wholeness and happiness. It is not a place where vulnerabilities are exploited. We are human and are not expected to be perfect before we enter into a relationship ( or before entering upon any endeavor for that matter ). Also, realize that the mind will act independently without our conscious decision to dissociate from behaviors that are too horrible or overwhelming for the person in their current state, to cope with . This also has been scientifically proved. 2) Put off dealing with any of your shortcomings until way later in your healing process – until you are healed enough to be in a safe emotional state of being to learn and grow with love towards yourself. 3) If your mind is still not at peace from all of the explanations in Part 2 and from the suggested actions and realizations, then you might want to take a powerful stand for yourself, and here is one such method : Imagine that you have a mighty sword ( perhaps King Arthur’s Excalibur ), and imagine that you are placing it into the ground firmly as you say these words, “ I did the best I could with the knowledge I had at that time. “ ( I did the best I could – with the knowledge I had – at that time. ). Say it out loud or mentally with power. Repeat as many times as you feel necessary, and then put your mind on something else. – Thus ends Part 2 ! Part 3, in which we will focus on your ex, will be posted in 2 to 3 days.
Blessings to you.

polestar- Interesting post.

SG

OMG Hurt & Polestar
This is amazingly a great read, very encouraging, very informative for us survivors!
I am amazed at how many people out there have similar stories of abuse in this form and given their love in the best way they know how & yet like hurt says it was never good enough ! Too many people have been affected by loving a narcissist/sociopath!
I have read this at a most perfect time to help with my healing and with NC.
Hurt, it seems you have been very strong to keep the NC up and obviously reading all about narcissists and sociopathic behaviour has helped.
I found this site whilst I was still with my ex which answered questions to cognitive dissonance I was feeling a lot of the times in the beginning and yes then the constant state of ambivalence! It makes me realise I wasn’t going mad or that I was alone feeling like this with someone I loved.
Like you Hurt , I was very attracted to my ex which I think is why I put up with a lot of the abuse untill one day that sack of pebbles got far to heavy to carry any more. Thank you for highlighting it that way)
Be careful though Hurt as I had no contact for almost a year, and then when he got in touch with me again to apologise, we started seeing each other again and having the great sex we used to have !
However, he then after 3 months of at first being the man I wanted him to be, asked me to leave his apartment because he could not trust me anymore !
Ironic !!
He had said this because during our time apart , he had moved another lady in (3 months after I left him) which I admit, broke my heart again. Not only did he move this person in, but she was somebody he worked with & denied anything went on before that time.
I however needed more proof as he had cheated on me after 2 years (we were together for 4) so I called her up and simply asked when did they start seeing each other ?
He answer satisfied me that it was after we split so I felt I could continue seeing him and try to believe him again and move forward again slowly together! This back fired as when I told him I called her to ask this, he told me to leave and didn’t want to speak to me again and that I was causing trouble !
Broken hearted again plus hurt and confused by it all.
That was 3 months ago !
I have later found out that he was abusive to this lady also and things def were beginning with her before I left him. So I now realise all the times he called me accusing and suspicious (a woman’s intuition) were quite probably true !!
Aaargh these men are BAD . I’m so pleased to read these posts , it helps so much to make you realise that they are the ones with the BIG problems.
I will also look at myself as I know we’re not perfect, and like polestar says, Best to will look when I feel stronger!
Thank you polestar
And all the best Hurt !
May we find good men next time round ❤️

Hi jotty –
I am so glad that you are benefiting from the posts and very much appreciate that you are joining in on the discussion and sharing what you have gone through too. It is so wonderful that we can learn from each other’s experiences. The more we “ get it “ that these character disordered people pretty much follow a similar pattern, and the more we understand that we are not alone in what we have endured, then we gain so much power – not over anyone else, but self empowerment with the help of validation. The psychopaths always have the mind set of wanting to win. So strange. But no matter what they do or think, or did, even if it was a cruel discard, and even though survivors do not subscribe to a win/loose mentality, still no matter when it occurs, once the survivor independently takes the decision of No Contact – the survivor has won. Zari Ballard discusses this concept – that going No Contact is an inward decision and she said something to the effect that if the partner discards or blocks the survivor, then the survivor just needs to say inwardly and to turn it around, “ I have chosen No Contact . “. Congratulations on Your 3 month No Contact ! Hurt has given me permission to analyze the relationship she had with her ex, which I will begin in a few days. If anything strikes a chord with you, any comments or contributions on your part would be very welcome. Thanks again for sharing.
Blessings

Hi hurt –
I hope that all is well with you. I have finished Part 2 and am ready to start to analyze your ex’s behavior. I haven’t seen any posts from you recently, and I want to be sure that you still would like me to post about your ex. I’ll wait until I get a post saying that it’s A OK to continue with Part 3, before I continue.
Blessings to you.

Hi Polestar & Hurt

Thank you for your reply to me polestar I appreciate that.
I also hope ‘Hurt’ is doing ok as not seen anything on here from her in a while! Do let us know Hurt please.

I’d like to say I have started reading hidden abuse and can relate to it soo much. I have been struggling soo much with making or not making contact with my ex! I missed him a lot and yearned for him. However what has stopped me is well , the woman he was previously seeing messaged me some time ago, however I didn’t see it as we weren’t fb friends but I was desp to know if she and my ex got back together after he told me he didn’t want to see me again & as I was about to mess her, I could see her message sent in April.

She went on to tell me , she had been both physically and emotionally hurt by my ex (and her ex too ) he told me they were going to get married , (he never told me that) he also got violent with her ( he did with me too on a couple off occasions ) and that why they split ( not the story he told me). What I find hard to accept and understand is that, we had started to rekindle our relationship in June before he told me he didn’t want to speak to me again but she tells me he used to say some really awful things about me ! Now I am wondering what ? Are they really how he felt? I know he lies as he lied about her I believe as well from what she’s told me . Should I ask her what awful things he said ? Or should I just leave it !
I’m scared it will hurt me more but then again I want to know what he really thinks of me !
Am I being ridiculously bad to ask her ? I know it won’t make any diff . I also feel like writing to him to tell him exactly what I think if him too but then I have to tell myself , he’s a narcissist and he won’t care and only cares about what is affecting him right now! I still feel hooked by this man and need to pick myself up in my esteem !
He was willing to come back to me after being with her and wanting to marry her but she wouldn’t due to his bad temper!
She also agrees he is like a Jekyll and Hyde !
Polestar ,
What is your story that got you here if you don’t mind sharing?

Hi jotty –
Thank you for asking me about my story. I originally found Love Fraud because ( this may sound strange ) I felt I was given inner guidance that I needed to be of help to others in this way. So I was busy doing just that, and never actually told my story because I had already gone No Contact and mainly healed ( though I think we are always healing in the sense of becoming our highest most beautiful self ). So I think it is so kind of you to ask about me. First though, I want to reply to the predicament that you are facing because it is so currently important. I will write out my story about the psychological abuse I went through in a few days when I have the time to do so. For now about you – Patrick MacKensie said in his book, ‘ Psychopath Free ‘ under the heading of “ The Detective Rule “ is that the minute that you find yourself playing the detective regarding someone in your life, that you need to immediately remove that person from your life. I think that is good advise for you to go forward with, though originally, I think it was a good move that you did get in touch with your ex’s “ woman he was previously seeing “. That way you got definite proof of all the lies he was telling you for a long time. You also got some good information about some of his other bad behaviors. She had to live through all of that and you know, “ a leopard doesn’t change his spots “. So you got warned and should take heed of that. About wanting to know about the derogatory things that he said about you – a big part of the harm done to survivors from abuse is that their feeling of self worth gets very damaged. It takes a long time to heal that because of the devalue stage of psychological abuse. A very long time. So it would be like drinking poison to find out what smear campaign he did against you. The main issue you are facing presently is that you are suffering from unrequited love. It is the stage before you even get to cognitive dissonance. At the point you are at now is that you still love the person who has been so rejecting of you. So your attention is more focused on your feelings of love for him, and your wish to get back to the love bomb stage where he made you feel very loved and wanted. I am sure that he also did “ intermittent reinforcement “, where in between treating you like s—-, he did some things that made you believe he did love you. That is what keeps survivors hooked much longer than they otherwise would, and abusers do that on purpose. It seems to me that your desire in this direction is very strong and I know how difficult it is to turn this around. The first step is to go totally No Contact. Getting the space you need will enable you to get the distance from the abusive situation that you need for clarity. As I said, your original contact with “ the woman “ did gain you important information so that you know that going No Contact is definitely the correct thing to do. No Contact entails not only having no contact with your ex in every which way, but not going anywhere near anyone or anything or any place that has any connection to him at all. Way down the line, when you have done a lot of healing, then there is the interior no contact in your thought realm. But for now for you, No Contact is about the physical aspect. Your ex may try to “ Hoover “ so it would be wise to block his number and any other kind of blocking of technology that you can think of. About the unrequited love – it is a strange phenomenon, but it seems that when someone is in that state, getting love only from the very one who can’t or won’t give it seems to be the only one that will satisfy! It’s hard to get past that and that is why No Contact is so important. Another way that you might find helpful is to have an inner dialogue with yourself, and ask what it is that you really want in a relationship. And ask why would you want to settle for less than to have a partner who treats you like the very precious person that you are and who loves you all the time and who brings you a sense of joy and security? If I missed something, and you have further questions, or any concerns, I would be most happy to reply. As I said, I will relate my own story in a few days … and thanks again for asking !
Blessings

Hi hurt and jotty –
It feels so wonderful to be able to communicate together. Hurt – I’m glad that you were able to express what you are going through. Your ex not only harmed you very personally, but now he is doing a smear campaign on you. There are 3 ways to deal with this situation. 1.) This has to do with what Patrick MacKensie explained about being put on the defensive – and it is what psychopaths do – what happens is that the victim is basically accused of something ( which you can extrapolate to mean has made derogatory statements or accusations to others about you ). What happens is that, as he explained, even if you prove you are innocent, people will still not believe you any more. You’ve been “ trashed “. He explains that no matter what you say or how you try to defend yourself, even if you do so vehemently, you end up looking even crazier. Unfortunately, what needs to be done is to ‘ bite the bullet ‘. They have done something horrific to you, and unfortunately the best you can do is to walk away. 2) No Contact in theory is supposed to protect you from a smear campaign because the action needed to be taken is that the survivor must have no interaction at all with any part of the psychopath’s life. Therefore, if you attended the same church, then it would be self protective to find a new church to go to, there should be no contact with the psychopath’s social circle, so that the survivor should not even know that there is a smear campaign going on. Therefore, please block up those holes whereby he has been able to get to you, and keep away from those flying monkeys. 3) In the book, ‘ The Four Agreements ‘, one of the agreements is to ‘ don’t take anything personally ‘. Don Miguel Ruiz explains that if you apply this, you will be immune to any poison that others try to give you or to any gossip against you. I think if you think about this agreement and try to implement it, you will find power and protection from your ex’s smear campaign. Anyway, don’t forget that we are on your side! I wanted to address the issue of our project, and Part 3 about analyzing your ex. I posted that I was ready to do that and I was waiting for your OK to begin. In the meantime, jotty kindly enquired about my personal story, which I am happy to share. So would you please let me know which I should address first, about your ex’s analysis, or to post my story first. If I don’t hear from you in a few days, then I will go ahead and post my story. Also, please know that I will still wait for your OK to post about your ex. I want to be sure that you are in a place where you feel it would still be helpful, or if you feel that it would be too triggering. I totally respect you and whatever you feel would be best for you.
Jotty – thank you for being a part of this healing path. There is so much power and validation when survivors support each other and when we know there are those who understand what we are going through. And when we can share our experiences to help each other along the way.
Blessings to you both.

hurt- In his book The Gift of Fear, Gavin De Becker in chapter 8 talks about people who won’t let go, the smear campaign. He was also interviewed by Oprah You might look at this.

SG

Hello Hurt and Polestar & also sunnygal

It’s good to hear from you Hurt but I’m sorry to hear you were feeling a deep depression due to all of this. Yes we are very addicted and still miss our exes as we keep thinking about the good hits & not the reality of how it was.
Thank you Polestar for highlighting my feelings of unrequited love for this man and it’s true, I do feel I will never meet anybody else that will make me feel the highs I felt when I was happy with ex ! I can’t imagine enjoying anybody else’s touch , kiss or cuddles the way I loved his. But I’m beginning to feel more hopeful after learning more about his narcissism and understanding he will never change ! He has bad relationship history for the last 30 years that I know about, I really want to meet somebody normal and appreciative.
Hurt I hear you saying you feel guilty and to blame for some of what went on with your ex , from what you’ve written , it sounds to me like you didn’t feel safe and you felt scared that day you walked out! And something inside you told you to leave that day! Your only crime was asking (and not threatening or demanding) your ex about some of his exes !(no crime at all to ask) He got all defensive on you to the point of shoving you out the front door ! So your instincts told you to leave that day ; just like my instincts told me to leave my ex one particular Friday night after a sequence of events of him blatantly telling me to my face he was going out night after night to which I now believe was to meet up with this other woman for drinks. He even told me to leave the pub once when I came to meet him as he thought I was spying on him !! He could not see it that I simply wanted to spend some time with him on my day off !
These bad behaviours towards us are exactly as the book states (the pebble sack just got too heavy to carry any more) also you mention your ex getting texts etc from other women but not saying he had a GF , it’s all so deceiving isn’t it ! My ex even went out in the dark to answer a call to a woman and pretended he was playing some game with his son who stayed with us often ! Such deceptive behaviour ! I know we’re not perfect , but I know I was always loyal & never wanted anybody else’s attention & I’m sure you were too.
I totally agree with polestar in regards to you changing churches as it probably pleases your ex that he has people on his side as he has spoken out about your break up ! It’s a shame you have to do this but you can start afresh then away from these bullying antics /people . Your soo right that these toxic people really do believe their lies, I’ve always questioned in my mind my exes way of thinking and it has puzzled me at times how he sees people! How he can go from wanting to marry this lady within a few months ,then he becomes violent towards her then denies this happened ; denies that he even wanted to marry her , denies he even loved her and says that she was just trouble & needed somewhere to stay. Telling me he loves me ,was devastated I left , wants me and wants to start again ! Where is his honesty ??? I now believe I would just be his comfort zone and he would always be looking out for extra fun with somebody else . He’s lost a lot of women he’s loved.
Looking forward to hearing your story Polestar and learning how you got to where you are now .
Thank you both for listening and giving such support and reaffirmation that we are not the bad ones here and really wanted things to be different. I will def read more books to fully understand and to have the knowledge to learn from my mistakes in the future. It is all rather emotionally exhausting at times but we are all healing still!

Hi hurt and jotty –
Here follows is my story. ( Before I begin, hurt – please do not feel guilty. I have treasured the trust you have shown by sharing with me and I think that once you have read my story you will understand how much your kindness has meant to me.) —- This story will need to be a bit autobiographical, but I will try to keep it to a minimum, yet I do need to go into my history because being a victim of psychological abuse began in my life as a child. It reared it’s head again in my adulthood in a relationship that I will also discuss. I won’t go into all the details, but there are some things that I want to include so you can get as full a picture as time and space permits in this venue. There will be 4 chapters to the story with each chapter being 1 post. I will post them one after the other in one sitting, so you can read them in 1 go or as time permits.
Blessings.

Chapter 1) Family Abuse and Growing Up – I was living with my mother, her parents and brother, when my mother got addicted to heroin and left ( without a goodbye or explanation). In the meantime, on the other side of town, I had an aunt who was a horrific psychopath and she had a son and daughter who she was having terrible conflicts with. I think this was due to her psychopathology and also because my cousins were “ bratty “ ( I don’t know how else to put it ). My uncle, though, would not abide her treating the children meanly ( I got info about all of this through snippets from different family members etc through the years ). So there was an escalating tension in their household. When my grandmother who I was living with died of cancer ( I was 7 years old at the time ), it gave my aunt ( she informed me later that it was her idea ) and uncle the opportunity to take me to live with them. My aunt told me that I must not tell anyone that I was “ adopted “ ( which I never was ) and that I must call her “ Mom “. I was completely afraid of her and was afraid to go against her wishes, so all was kept a secret. I felt in my child capacity that the reason was because it was something to be ashamed of, but it turned out that I was actually taken illegally – but that is a whole different story. Their family problems got resolved because now my aunt, the psychopath, could abuse me with impunity and I became the family scapegoat and thus they were able to be OK. If it did inadvertently occur that she showed abusive behaviors to anyone else, somehow it became my fault, so the rest of the family became flying monkeys. In the meantime, my biological mother would show up from time to time and this was heart rending for me. When I saw her I’d cry so much and didn’t really know how to express what was happening, so she was told to stay away because all she did was upset me. My psychology through it all was that somehow I was bad. An example of this was that I obtained an old card I had made for my aunt when I was little, and it said, “ Even though I am a devil ( with a picture of a devil ) and you are an angel ( with a picture of an angel ), I still love you, and how ! “. I think this is an accurate visual of a child’s psychology of one who has been abused ( trauma bonding/ Stockholm Syndrome), and actually what adults perhaps feel when they are continually being blamed by an abuser. As the years progressed, there were chapters and relationships in my life that would look as though they came right out of a Tolstoy novel. When I was older, I began to seek answers to my incomprehensibility of the psychopathic abuse that I endured ( yet I did not even know that was what it was at the time ). I attended classes on assertiveness training, started reading about codependency and many books about relationships. I went to therapy. The main thing I did was that I got very involved in my spiritual life, which I still am and at that time I began to meditate, which I still do. I focused on love and compassion, and though I learned much, the issue of psychopathology still lurked and I had yet to gain knowledge about it, which left me vulnerable.
Blessings.

Chapter 2) Beginning of the Pertinent Relationship that changed into triangulation, Confusion and Gas Lighting – Fast forward to the relationship that brought my understanding of psychological abuse to a head. I met someone who seemed to be the polar opposite of my family ( but as we know, psychological abuse crosses all gender, county and social stratum ). He was a recovering alcoholic ( I know, I know – red flag, yet one must wonder if I was unconsciously trying to come to grips with the addiction issue regarding my mother ). Anyway, he was attending AA meetings and was very proud of his sobriety. I used to attend meetings with him, and actually got a lot out of their dedication to living honest and ethical lives. I really liked all of those steps they have and we would have wonderful talks after those meetings. So it all fit in very well with my spiritual life – or so I thought. I really didn’t notice abuse, or maybe because it was still more towards the beginning of the relationship when abusers don’t abuse too much. The one thing about him though, was that he was a flirt. I know beyond question of a doubt that he was not having extra relationship affairs ( you are probably saying, “ uh huh – oh right “ ), but I decided that I would just shrug it off and not give my attention to it. I didn’t understand that it was triangulation and how this one technique would grow and how as time went on he would use it so frequently and in such a variety of ways. Another thing about him that I liked at first was how he talked to me often. We would talk about anything and everything, and I came to feel as though he was my best friend in all the world. We were inseparable and so close. And he seemed to have such a unique way of looking at things that I found intriguing. Mainly I liked it that he talked to me because growing up the only topics that could be discussed were about politics or world events. So this was refreshing. But something very strange started to happen and these conversations somehow transmuted more and more … until finally I saw that often he would talk but there would be no point to what he was saying, and it would all end by my feeling very confused. I realized later that this was called “ word salad “. But at the time, I would go deeper and deeper into these “ conversations “ because I thought that since I was a college graduate surely I had the intelligence to get to the bottom of what he was saying – that trick worked on me so many, many times ! Also, it was natural for me to care and want to understand what he was saying. But it was actually gas lighting, and I would end up feeling more and more confused, baffled and frustrated. On the other end of the spectrum would be my saying something that he would refuse to understand. I would make efforts to say things so clearly, succinctly and so simply that I was sure that “ this time “ he would get it – surely … but no! Now I realize that this was passive aggression and that it revealed his lack of empathy. But it was so well hidden. So what started out with me thinking that we could really communicate closely turned out to be the exact opposite. From the many stories of survivors that I have read, I haven’t seen this scenario as being the predominant issue of focus or pain. But the experience of feeling confusion is a very common source of pain for survivors. I think many experience this feeling of confusion that abusers create so much of, from all the lies that they tell.
Blessings.

Chapter 3) Becoming Suspicious that Psychological Abuse was Taking Place and Coping – I began to be suspicious because things seemed to be somehow just wrong. Part of this had to do with my ex being passive aggressive and that was something I wasn’t able to decipher at the time. Dispersed during this period we still had many happy times together and I believed we were so close. It wasn’t until the latter part of the relationship that he became more overtly abusive. But even during the passive aggressive stage, I began to be suspicious and started reading Patricia Evans’s book, where she lists the categories of verbal abuse. To my horror and amazement, he was doing so many of these! Instead of realizing that I needed to hightail out of there, I began to cope. I guess from my early years of coping, it was my natural and deep habit pattern. I didn’t exactly stand up for myself the way that Evans suggests in her book, but I enacted things like when he did his confusion word salad technique to get me off balanced and exasperatedly confused, the minute I saw that it was happening, I’d just stop or change the subject. Things like that. But that is when his abusive behavior escalated. Another issue was that previously I had helped him get out of an unsatisfactory work situation and to get a better job. But in his new position, he was more attractive to females and his flirtatious behavior escalated. Finally, there was this really pretty woman who by the way had previously broken up a relationship of one of my friends – and then she went after my ex. So it became for them an emotional affair – it had not yet progressed to a going out together situation, but he was flattered and got this “ I’m superior to you “ attitude, and I could feel that he was no longer emotionally in the relationship with me. I am explaining it with clarity now, but at that time it was not clear to me at all what was going on. Some other incidents of this type were occurring, and they were beyond Evan’s verbal abuse book to help me. That’s when I got Jackson MacKensie’s book, ‘ Psychopath Free ‘ and I was trying to put the pieces together. I still saw my ex’s emotional affair as just flirting and like Jackson described in his book, you are put in a situation that makes it seem immature to make a big scene over, though it was in fact triangulation. Cognitive Dissonance was strong for me then because side by side with my starting to recognize these abusive patterns, I still beheld the part of him who was my dearest friend who I knew and loved so much. It was like he was two different people. I had this feeling of disbelief that he could really be doing these abusive things to me. Perhaps it was simply denial, but I think this phenomenon is a bit different – it is such a unique state of mind and emotions that I think anyone who hasn’t been there would not understand it at all. But definitely survivors do.
Blessings.

Chapter 4) Escalation of Abuse, the End of the Relationship, and Hoovering – At this time, he was also beginning to behave in noticeably nasty ways towards me, in a manner that was completely different from who I always knew him to be, and I thought it was so strange, like “ Who is this person ?? “. Then I found out that he had begun to drink and then one day he was blatantly drunk right in front of me. I believe that this was actually a passive aggressive discard – to provoke me so much that I would be the one to take action. I had quite had it by this point, so I told him that was the end of the relationship. I decided to move to a different state and then he also moved to another state where his family lived. After his move, he would send me little cards and gifts now and again which I didn’t think too much of – I thought we were “ just friends “. In the meantime, I was reading everything about psychological abuse and trying to heal. Well, the “ just friends “ escalated, and he began to text me almost daily that he loved me. I didn’t realize that this was a Hoover. It is amazing how things that are so obvious are not at all obvious to the one who is involved. I wasn’t sure what to do, and I didn’t want to hurt him by cutting him off ( I know, I know, I was being so clueless !”. And truth be told, it was hard to take action, because there was still a part of me that loved him and it was hard to take a step that I knew meant that he would be permanently out of my life. That’s when I contacted Zari Ballard ( as you know, she has written some very good books about psychological/relationship abuse). She helped me through this and it was so wonderful to have someone who “ gets it “ support me. We really didn’t have that many emails but there is just something about connecting with a person who you know down to your bones understands in a way that someone who hasn’t experienced this just cannot. So when I think of Zari’s support and how she was there for me when I so needed help, and her empathy, I still cry. So I emailed my ex that I did not want to have a long distance relationship and that it would be best if we both moved forward with our separate lives. He responded that he still loved me but that would be his last text ( he did keep to his word ). With Zari’s help, I was able to not respond. With that final No Contact, that’s when “ the s—- hit the fan “! I suffered torment ( that is the best word to describe how difficult it was to carry on even my daily activities). It is interesting that I had plenty of time of separation before his Hoover when there was almost no communication at all, and I had no problem with it. It was the actual No Contact stance – the total conviction that there would never again be any contact at all with no going back on this stance – that was the critical turning point. It brought a space where I felt safe enough so that realizations could come to me about our relationship that I was not able to see before, as well as many emotions that I needed to deal with and this whole process at times felt overwhelming. So much became conscious about this relationship and about my past as well. I had grown enough that I could face the truth of what happened – but just barely. It was a huge struggle and it was not easy at all because of the trauma involved. But then finally I was able to get a “ grip “ and then little by little I began to integrate what I had been through with my authentic self ( to the degree that I know it ). Then I got an inner direction to try to help others who are trying to free themselves from the devastation of abuse. I wanted to give others support like Zari gave to me. So here I am at Love Fraud. Thanks for reading all of this. I hope that you both are able to gain some insight from my story that can be helpful in your own situations. PS – hurt – from your post I gathered that it was OK to post about your ex, so I’ll begin that in 3 or 4 days. PPS – jotty – after completing the parts about hurt’s relationship analysis and then healing actions ( it was originally called “ strategy to deal with the ghosting ), ( I addressed smear campaigns in the post before my story ), then we were going to have a discussion about the movie called ‘ French Kiss ‘ with Meg Ryan and Kevin Klein. I think the movie would benefit you and that you might want to purchase it on DVD.
Blessings to both of you.

Hi Polestar & Hurt

Polestar, thank you so much for sharing your story I understand that probably was quite difficult to revisit! I’m very sorry that you had a terribly traumatic childhood , my heart goes out to you ! You sound like you’ve come a long way and turned your life around & are a lovely kind person !
I absolutely resonate with you in your last chapter about having to deal with coming to terms with the fact that it would probably have been the last time you had contact with your ex. It’s heartbreaking isn’t it . I’m sorry you still cry too about him . I have struggled with that so much too and cried today as well .
My ex texted me yesterday to first ask if I could talk . I didn’t see the message for a while . Then to say he wanted to talk as he didn’t want to just disrespect me by just deleting me from his whats app list. I’m afraid I did respond as I hate leaving things unsaid or just hanging but I probably shouldn’t have bothered.
I simply replied with , delete me if you like, I said I was sad things couldn’t have been different & the fact that he always had my heart and that I only had eyes for him. If only they were reciprocated, things may hVe been diff.
He didn’t reply , & now the spotlight is on me as the book says !! I’m Grieving this relationship soo much and even though I know it was bad at tines I still feel love for him and miss the few good bits we shared even though I know we wouldn’t make each other happy, I yearn for him still !
I am going to watch ‘The French kiss’ tomorrow as streamed it on my iPad. I’m very intrigued. I will also look forward to reading ‘psychopath free’ when I get it from the library .

Hurt,
I hope you are coping ok.
Again Polestar, a big thank you for sharing your story.
Take care for now xx

Hi jotty –
Thanks for your kind reply. I wanted to respond about your last text to your ex. I thought you did fantastic!!! You got to say what was the truth. You got to create closure and you get to go No Contact very cleanly. Good for you ! Just to clarify about my story – when I said that I still cry – that was in reference to Zari’s empathy. Sometimes we cry when someone has shown us much kindness and understanding – it is a sweet feeling. I am sure you know what I mean. At this point, I no longer cry about my ex. But when I did, there was still a sweet feeling about that kind of crying, because that kind of crying is filled with tenderness and not revenge. So when you cry, remember it is because you have a loving heart. And your ex was not able to rob you of your inner beauty.
Blessings.

Hi SG –
Oh wow, I didn’t think of that when I was writing my story. It really did reveal a lot about my personal situation, that someone could perhaps make deductions about ! I certainly won’t make that mistake again ! Thanks for pointing that out and showing your protectiveness.
Blessings to you.

SG
Thank you for highlighting this, do get a bit carried away in what we want to share & should share with caution.

Hi hurt ( and jotty ) – Before I begin the actual analysis of your ex, I wanted to write about why I am doing this and what is the point. The point is that the analysis is enacting the “ Awakening “ stage that Shannon Thomas outlines in her book, ‘ Healing From Hidden Abuse ‘. You have already gone through the education stage where you learned about the terminology and techniques of psychological abuse. The Awakening stage is where you can now describe what has happened to you personally using the terminology. I call it labeling where you label their exact behavior with one of the abusive techniques. My intention of writing out the analysis is to facilitate this process. So when you have thoughts that arise about what your ex said or did or demeaning situations you were put in, you will be able to label them faster. You will get the hang of it and be able to detect and label those also that I did not discuss. Or you might come up with a more pertinent label than I did. In my own case, sometimes I’d go through a few labels before I came up with the one that really “ nailed it “, which would be very satisfying. As Shannon says, in the Awakening stage you no longer feel alone about the abuse. Then you will be ready for stage 4 – Boundaries. The thing about boundaries is that there are inward boundaries and outward boundaries. What I mean by this is that when an outward boundary of No Contact has been enacted, it really does not matter who enacted it. The psychopath thinks it matters because when they do a No Contact ( discard ), they get a lot of sick narcissistic supply from doing this. They get to feel superior ( in a twisted way ) and it enables them to further the abuse that they have been dishing out for a long time already. when they are the one who does the No Contact, it is because they have determined ( so they think ) That the victim has already got to the point in which they are so demoralized that now they will completely self destruct. The psychopath may ( as in your case ) add a smear campaign to make sure that the victim will do just that. The real No Contact though, is an inner resolve within the survivor, and it happens after there has been no physical contact of any kind for a sufficient amount of time. Here is a quote from Shannon’s book, “ Psychological abusers do not realize that people authentically grown weary of their ridiculousness, find recovery from the abuse and eventually move on without looking back.” The real No Contact happens when you have done enough awakening work so that your mind is completely convinced that your ex is not the person you thought he was, and now you are able to make an “ informed “ decision – the decision that this is someone that you don’t want in your life – and definitely not in your emotional/mental life. You are no longer on the receiving end of any of their behaviors. You have removed them from every aspect of your life and you have been the one to enact No Contact regardless of what they think. —— Because the psychopath’s sick thinking is of no interest to us at all !!! I will explain more about how this is done after the analysis. I will try to start it tomorrow, or if not then a few days after that.
Blessings

Hi Polestar and Hurt (I hope you are doing ok)

Polestar, you really have cone through this recovery amazingly and I cannot wait till I get to a point of inward resolve and boundaries! Where thinking of him does not affect me the way it can. I know I am still grieving but I don’t want to want him any more . I am reading ‘boundaries after a pathological relationship’ by Adelyne Birch which is hopefully going to do me good stead for any future relationship and is a good read!
There was an interesting documentary on the other night if anybody gets a chance to stream it called ‘The Sally Challen ‘ case. True story how She murdered her husband & why ! Coercive abuse is now a criminal offence …… very interesting !!

Hurt, I do hope your coping ok and trying to stay strong

Polestar , looking forward to reading what comes after true awakenings & more on the analysis.

I watched ‘French Kiss’ btw and loved it ! Was interesting that once she could get her ex back, she really didn’t want him and came to her senses.

Hi jotty –
I liked your very interesting post. Well, you know – like any wound, healing just takes the time it takes. And like when we go to the doctor, and she explains exactly what the diagnosis is, and that it is not life threatening and what to do to heal and the stages the healing will go through, it is amazing that just the assurance gives tremendous peace of mind. So I’m glad you have found Love Fraud and that you are educating yourself by reading books and all the other things I am sure you are doing to keep your consciousness uplifted. I can’t wait to be able to discuss ‘ French Kiss ‘ with you and hurt. I’ll be posting the analysis section ( which will take more than 1 post ) in a few days. Thank you so much for sharing and for your interest and support.
Blessings

Hi Polestar & Hurt

Thank you for your kind words re my last mess, your so right about time , healing and understanding the diagnosis! Emotional hurt just takes time but ensuring we are medicating well by trying to do what makes us happy. Be it by eating well, or exercise (which I do thoroughly enjoy like you Polestar, not that I could run a marathon ) but also surrounding ourselves with good people that have our best interests at heart!

Hurt……

Im feeling for you , as your still in the very early stages of N.C & although mine is 3 months , I had had a gap of almost a year before so I know those early months are so very tough! I’m still hurting but had more time apart to get used to it I guess. Like you,it was also a 4 year relationship and I hoped it would be my last !

I hope you are bearing up!

Best Wishes xx

Hi jotty and hurt – Today I am starting on the analysis of hurt’s ex. ( jotty – you and hurt’s relationships sound like they have much in common and also because of the fact that they were of the same duration, I think you will be able to apply some of the analysis to your own situation. By the way, I am glad that you are engaging in positive activities and I know hurt is too ).
This analysis is titled, “ A Portrait of a Psychopath as a Jerk “ ( a joke, but so true !). I’m going to divide it up into 5 categories – 1) Love Bombing 2) Triangulation 3) Rage and Silent Treatments 4) Other Techniques 5) the Grand Finale. I will do 1 per post, and may or may not do more than 1 category in one day ( depending on my time ). Thus when analyzing the relationship with your ex, and knowing that he definitely followed the psychopathic script of love bomb, devalue, discard – we will look at his specific behaviors to observe how they fit into this scheme. I will post the first category ( Love Bombing ), immediately after this.
Blessings

Hi hurt and jotty,
Category 1) Love Bombing – You posted that the love bomb stage went on for about a year. I think that it is amazing that your ex could keep that up for that long considering his horrific level of toxicity – but maybe he held out because he knew that the longer the love bombing went on, the more devastating the devalue would be because of all the time you had to bond closely with him. He was luring you in so you would trust him and condition you to see him in a very good light. At the same time, his love bombing gave him power over you because what he gave to you ( on many levels ) brought you so much happiness that he would then later be in the position to take away. Love bombing creates this same scenario for all victims, and it put your ex in a powerful position in which he could at a later stage, easily pull your emotional strings. You said that he exposed himself. I think perhaps he did that because he was trying to speed up a sense of intimacy ( as if ! ) – I’m sure you considered it to be ( as per Shannon’s theory ) a “ Pebble “, due to your familiarity from knowing him since adolescence. But probably in his mind, anything which even remotely insinuated sexuality would bring a degree of intimacy ( albeit false ) for you that he did intend to manipulate. On previous occasions you didn’t show much interest in him, so he was trying to quickly gain intimacy way before a relationship could even begin using Love Bombing. He also started to put out more energy in talking to you than he did on your previous encounters of meeting him for coffee etc. He had lots of time to think about what went wrong, and why you weren’t interested in him before, and he didn’t want you to get away this time, so he “ poured it on “ figuring he needed to engage you more. I am pretty sure ( correct me if this was not the case ) that once he got a relationship established with you, that he went back to his normal lazy self, and that you were the one who was doing the large degree of engaging ( putting out energy for the relationship). —- This ends the category of Love Bombing. I will post again in a few days.
Blessings

A Very Interesting read !

Thanks Polestar ,
Look forward to the reading more when you have the time.

Best Wishes

Hi hurt and jotty –
Category 2) – Triangulation A – After the Love Bombing, when your ex knew you were extremely committed to him, he started to tear you down ( which is always, as you know, the scenario ) – and with each devalue, he would get a sense of “ I won “ and feel a sense of power thereby ( narcissistic supply ) that psychopaths crave so much. Power over. I had asked you specifically about “ cheating “ because what they usually do – as Patrick MacKensie called it – is Triangulation. All his little phone calls and other innuendos that his attention was going elsewhere ( “ a likely story “ since he went to such lengths to “ get “ you ! ). – Triangulation! Ohhhh! – that one technique does so much to destroy a relationship and their victim’s love and joy. And your ex, it appears to me, used this as one of his main manipulating techniques. By his triangulation, he tried to make himself more “ valuable “ because he created an outer situation that enabled him to be less involved in the relationship than you were. Plus it made you over focused on him ( due to his upsetting behavior and attitude ) instead of your being able ( if you were treated well ) to feel confident in the relationship and to have the feeling that it was “ home “. Doing this – getting your attention so focused on him, he could have all that energy as his narcissistic supply. You were placed in a “ one down “ position, so he could then take a “ I don’t need you “ attitude / “ I’m better than you “ attitude. But at the same time, to confuse the matter more, he tried to this a secret from you ( I will explain below that much was not kept secret enough purposefully for other added benefits to him ). This shows that he was a liar as well. His behavior was not honest with all his little secret phone calls and other suspicious behavior. But ya know – when they triangulate, they are not just being cheaters in the respect we think of as being unfaithful, they are being cheaters like when you are playing a game with rules. There are some basic understood rules for relationships, and when someone cheats in a relationship ( and that is not solely about catching someone in an blatant affair ), then they are taking an unfair advantage by not keeping to being on equal footing with their partner. I think your ex did this in part because he could not hold his own in his relationship with you. Just being a coward. What else triangulation does is that it causes the victim to doubt themselves ( someone who loves us wants us to feel confident and secure ). All that phone ( phoney ) business would cause a partner in a relationship to experience feelings of suspiciousness or jealousy. So this was what he was doing sneakily to devalue you. He wanted you to feel “ less than “ and thus to tear down your self esteem. By the way, in the healing process, this is reversed. He calculated this because he set you up for it right from the start with Love Bombing. With these painful emotions, your ex effectively took away the wonderful feeling of being loved that you once felt. Triangulation is so devastating while it is so easy for a psychopath to do. Abusers don’t even need to be skilled or highly intelligent to do this. In fact it shows a low, mean and undignified mentality.
This ends Category 2. I will post again in a few days.
Blessings.

Hi hurt and jotty – Here is category 3 – Triangulation B – Lying combined with triangulation creates gas lighting. So as I described in Triangulation B, your ex was being just sneaky enough to be looking like he was hiding something from you – but he was doing so much of the time in plain sight. If he really wanted to hide something, he wouldn’t leave evidence all over the place. He was just trying to torture you and the gas lighting effect would make you seriously question yourself due to his just being sneaky enough. You didn’t exactly describe incidents that your ex did that I’m going to assert, but the pattern would normally follow that he would gain even more power by this maneuver because with the doubt that he created, he could swoop in to reassure you that he “ loves “ you. In this way your ex could reinforce the false intimacy that he had created. It is devastating and triangulation does all of this very well. Another thing he used triangulation for was to make you feel left out. I will discuss later how he used his family for this and the whole drama that led to your final parting. But regarding his connection to other females, suddenly you were inadvertently thrown into a competition for him – which he created and which you absolutely had no part of – that he has again set up to make himself more valuable than you in the so called relationship. He can now be, “ Mr. Superior “. / “ Mr. Joe Cool “. All of that is part of the devalue stage. And how did he get away with all these devious ploys ? All because he lied to you and led you to believe that he was in a relationship with you that he began with love bombing. I know it seems paradoxical that he seemed both in a relationship with you by creating a scenario that he was more important in it, while at the same time not actually being in the relationship and then suddenly leaving this nebulous relationship under a cloud of un straightforwardness. But that just shows how confusing and overwhelming all of his subterfuges were – gaslighting.
Thus ends category 3.
Blessings

Hi hurt and jotty – Here is Category 4 – Rage and Silent Treatments – this is about his so called rages that he told you that he has always had. That’s just a big excuse because like all abusers, they are quite able to control their so called uncontrollable rages when they want to and when it would be advantageous to them. But he used his anger on you and probably other techniques you didn’t spot due to lack of information about them at the time. But he couldn’t let anger go under the radar and that was used to intimidate. Patricia Evens in her book, ‘ The Verbally Abusive Relationship ‘ describes this phenomenon very well. She says that abusive anger is an addiction. It is under their control and like battering is pure bullying. It does escalate and by the fact that he acted like he was going to hit you, though he didn’t actually do so, in my opinion was to threaten you. I don’t think he would have dared to actually hit you though, because he knew you were strong enough to leave and you would have had a concrete reason to do so, and he still needed to “ win” by being the “ discarder “ – when he was ready to “ call the shots “. So your ex was extremely destructive and it is so good that you are free of him. I wanted to mention that you said that his Silent Treatments caused you much pain. They are actually a passive aggressive form of anger and as Evans pointed out about rage – you were never the reason for that cruel behavior no matter how much your ex tried to make you believe that they were because of something you did wrong or that somehow it was all your fault. Thus ends Category 4.
Blessings

Hi hurt and jotty – Here is Category 5 – Other Techniques- Another technique he used on you is called, “ withholding “. This he did when he refused to communicate with you on various occasions either directly or indirectly. For example when he said that he didn’t trust you and you asked why but then he never gave you a straight forward answer. He thus withheld not only an understanding between you but he also withheld real intimacy which is the lifeblood of a relationship. His lying (by omission), by not telling you what was going on in his other “ private “ life, was also withholding. He seemed to often refuse to communicate with you which I am sure was very frustrating because of your high intelligence. He did this by blocking communication via silent treatments and also by refusing to answer questions. I will discuss this more later when I address your last conversation with him. There were other fronts that he was attacking you on as well – all those devaluing things he said and then tried to disguise as jokes would have escalated. Plus you had to put up with his sullen moods, which were not just moodiness, but another way to mistreat you because when he acted that way, where was the care and appreciation for you ? As if all of that wasn’t enough, he was also isolating you – with the excuse about his father’s passing. I don’t want to sound callous because a parent’s death is significant to anyone, but adults manage without acting infantile and clinging. But he used this kind of behavior to gain more power by isolating you and demanding all of your time to be with him. This trauma bonded you to him even more. He was also an incredibly selfish person. He would not consider your wants or needs regarding your family, but only considered what he wanted which was to only spend time with his own family. I’m sure you could recount many more instances of his selfishness. plus he took power unilaterally by making decisions about family socializing. Again, I am sure you could supply many examples of when he took over the decision making process. He wanted to usurp every kind of power that he could and thus he created a tremendous imbalance which disrupted any kind of harmony that I am sure you were doing so much to kindle. Thus ends Category 5.
Blessings

Hi hurt and jotty – Here is Category 6 – The Grand Finale – Now to come to the dramatic finale – the final show down when you “ won “! And you weren’t even trying to be a great gun slinger! We don’t think of interacting in these terms but psychopaths do. It was all about the famous outing with your ex’s mother. Your ex was absolutely furious that you dared to make the decision to invite her ( his rule, after all, was that he was the only one who could make decisions – right ? ). The tables were turned and he was now the recipient of being in a powerless position due to an extraneous situation that he had no control over. This is because he was forced to go to the movies because he would have looked bad if he went against it with no convincing excuse to tell his mother. Looking bad is one thing that psychopaths hate. They always do their I’ll deeds under the guise of looking “squeaky clean “. So he had to go to the movies with the two of you. Ohhhhh !! The Narcissistic Offense ! And there was nothing he could do and to him it looked like you “ won “. Of course from your point of view, you were only doing a kindness, but to his psychopathic mind, you did win. Another aspect to consider about the outing day related to his favorite ploy of triangulation. In this case the triangulation would manifest as in groups and out groups. Although he only wanted to spend time with his family and not yours, still he was not going to ever allow you to really be part of his family. He would have made sure one way or another ( as evidenced by his later smear campaign ) that you would always be an outsider. In this form of triangulation he gained power by being part of the “ in “ group. From what I understand, his mother had a lot of power in the family dynamic and if you were able to make a bridge to her, you would have been included in the family and the other family members would be very accepting of you ( they probably liked you anyways ) – but you definitely would have been included in a dynamic way. So your ex was threatened to loose power that he had from your exclusion. He thus had his little narcissistic offense tantrum. That’s when you up and walked out due to his unacceptable behavior. Oh No !! Another narcissistic offense ! He could not tolerate that you stood up to him – your action of leaving was standing up to his abuse. Later when you were relating to him, he told you that he doubted you. He really did mean this because he could no longer trust that you would be a willing recipient of his abuse. You were way too intelligent for him to mess with and he knew it. Then as I said before, when you asked why he doubted you, he said ( as I recall ) that he didn’t know or implied that. He was smoke screening you instead of having a real and honest conversation, which people who are peer with one another have. At this point, he was no longer willing to engage with you in any way because he knew it was “ curtains “ – he saw that he would never be able to have the total power over you that he desired. But he was a coward – he could have his rages and other sneaky abuses, but when it came to being a real man, and articulating what he thought and wanted , he could not stand up and face you fairly. That’s why he used the passive aggressive silent treatment to discard you. Zari said that silent treatments were mini discards, so when he did his perpetual silent treatment – “ ghosting “ as you call it, he knew that it would hurt you terribly. You did absolutely nothing to deserve any kind of revenge treatment or to give him any legitimate motive to hurt you. He had his narcissistic offense reactions, but those had nothing to do with you – they were entirely his own problem. His behavior towards you made it seem like you did something so monstrous that you deserved to be “ shunned “. But the whole secret to understanding abusers is that they always want to shift the blame. Whatever they do wrong, they twist around so that it becomes their partner’s fault. So all in all, you were able to retain your personal power in a situation where your ex was trying to do everything possible to manipulate you to be powerless. I think you should be very proud of yourself because he only ghosted you because you are a powerful and intelligent person. You demonstrated that even when you had no support and no education about psychopaths at that time, you did not loose the core of who you are – someone with a heart and integrity.
Thus ends the Part about your ex’s analysis. Next will come the Healing Part.
Blessings.

Hi hurt and jotty – Here is The Healing Part – ( it will be divided into 2 posts ) – I wanted to share what I did, and am still doing to heal that has brought good results for me and I hope you will find to be helpful for you. I have used Shannon Thomas’ book, ‘ Healing From Hidden Abuse ‘, as the foundation. This is because she has healing steps where you can “ hang “ any other information from any other book about psychological abuse or recovery. Her steps are – Despair, Education, Awakening, Boundaries, Restoration and Maintenance. As an example, when reading Amber Ault’s book ‘ The Five Step Plan ‘, though she touches upon other things, mainly her book fits into the categories of Boundaries ( because she explains exactly in detail how to execute a No Contact ) and Restoration ( she explains how to move forward to live a happy and full life ). Or Donna Andersen’s Red Flag Book could be Part of Education and also Maintenance ( because of information to protect you in the future ). So I want to be clear that I don’t think that Shannon’s book is the only great one out there. It’s just that her stages are an incredible tool that I have found to be personally essential. Now here is what I mean – every hour and every moment of the day, your consciousness will be focused in one of the stages. At the same time, during a general portion of your life of weeks or months you will be essentially in one stage. For example, you may generally be in the Education stage, and will be spending most of your healing time learning about psychopathology, so that would be your main stage. Yet, you may during a portion of your day be engaging on life enhancing behavior like exercising which would be the Restoration stage. So you can shift to different stages and indeed you will, but you will be mainly in one until you are complete as a whole in your healing path ready for the next stage. The reason that this is so helpful is that you can get out of binds that you might otherwise get caught in by having the awareness of the stages. For example, if you are mainly in the Education stage and find that you are becoming very upset and depressed, you can realize that you have fallen back into the despair stage, and thus pick yourself up quickly by this realization. Otherwise there is the probable chance that you will be mired there for a longer amount of time. There is nothing wrong with the Despair Stage, and all survivors go through it, but it is the stage of pain, and once through it, we don’t want to return. The mind though, does have a tendency to fall inadvertently into it due to the trauma of abuse. Being aware of Shannon’s stages is a great tool to prevent this and to be able to move forward with your healing from having awareness. The more you are able to move forward, the happier you will be. But it is a movement forward like an upward spiral, while being in one stage, we spiral through the forward and back stages for deeper understanding, but always going upward …. the only thing to watch out for mainly is not to get stuck in the quicksand of despair because it can suck you back down. As I said, The Despair Stage is necessary initially and it is good to feel all of those uncomfortable emotions, but it is one that we do need to move on from. ——- I will continue with the second Healing Post momentarily.
Blessings

Hi hurt and jotty – Here is the second post for The Healing Part – Doing The Healing work necessitates that we are active and participate fully in creating a wonderful life for ourselves. No one else can do this for us, yet paradoxically it is something that we can support each other in. There are exceptional books that can walk a survivor right through every stage of healing until they are completely free. I have already mentioned some of these, but I want to add Patrick MacKensie and Zari Ballard because …oh wow …what deep understandings they have given ! Therefore, what these authors have said is so perfect and it just takes the effort to implement their advise and then what happiness you will remember ! I just want to add here a bit about inner No Contact because in my opinion it is the pivotal step towards freedom from the abusive situations that survivors have endured. As I have explained in a previous post about naming the abuser’s behavior with the terminology that has been learned ( The Awakening Stage ), one needs to do this until an understanding of what happened is complete. We need to do all the naming because to cut off thoughts about your ex before you are ready only serves to repress instead of to heal. That being said, once the Awakening Stage has come to an end ( you will know it when it happens ), then to further continue to think about the abuser’s behaviors and situations involving them becomes no longer naming, but obsessing. Therefore we need to put a stop to it in the Boundaries Stage of inner No Contact. So now, doing the inner No Contact – when a thought occurs about your ex, instead of naming it, you stop it. One thought leads to another, so at this point by stopping at the first thought, you won’t go down an unintended path. So how to do this thought stopping ? I have found that significant quotes ( you can make a list from your education stage books ) that have really gained understanding for you in a deep way, really works. Then you need to quickly put your mind on something else. You can read a portion from one of your books, or if you are not in a situation where that is possible, then you can think of a scene from a movie or a scene from a good book that you are reading etc. Patrick MacKensie wrote about “ The Constant “. Please read about how he explains that because it is wonderful and so healing. So you can put your mind on your constant and I have found that this works wonders. This is because thoughts of the abuser ultimately bring pain, but thoughts of your Constant bring love and peace. As long as you feel like you are actually making the choice consciously to do so, then you might decide you want to revisit different stages to gain further insight. Your healing path is yours alone and each person’s will be very unique for what works best for them. What I have shared with the Healing Part is just a suggestion and I hope that you might find some of the things I have posted to be helpful to you.
Thus ends The Healing Part and the conclusion of all of The Parts originally set forth.
I wish you both much love and all joy and happiness. Merry Christmas !!!
Blessings always.

Hello Polestar & Hurt

Thank you so very much Polestar for your clear explanations of all the stages & how to overcome them and get to true healing ! You have written with such intellect and knowledge and it has been and will continue to be of great benefit as I will print them all off to keep for my own reference as a good help guide. Even though you have described in great detail the behaviours of ‘Hurts’ partner & relationship, you could easily have been be talking about my ex too (and of course many other people’s exes) as it is so clear that these behavioural traits run through all narcissists or sociopaths (depending how extreme they are) & makes it so much more obvious just like for example diagnosing an autistic child or something!

I’m sure Hurt you will be reading this when you can and I hope you have found it all so amazingly helpful as I have. I will continue to label the behaviours etc as I am def getting closer to seeing my ex for who he really is and not missing the few good bits we shared or hoping for a happy reconciliation! The behaviours shown to me also were not deserved and I can’t forgive somebody that chooses to hurt the way he hurt me !

All the best ladies
Much love & Best wishes for Christmas !
If we find true happiness , please share it on this blog, it would be great to know !!
Thank u again Polestar
And Hurt for sharing the very interesting and educational posts !

Xxxx

polestar – What an amazing series of posts! These should be labeled “read first” for any new person looking at this site…absolutely insightful and spot on. Even though I am nearly 5 years post-narc so much of what you described rang bells for me: Ah-hahs I never thought of – memories of subtle actions and words I never could put definitions to – but all “red flags”. Yep–hindsight is 20-20, but Oh-so-helpful in clarifying what happened and why and when and reminding us that it was NEVER our fault. Thank you for this — you are incredible!

Hi jotty – Your post made my heart sing! I know what you mean – It’s amazing how all these abusers seem to know the very same techniques to mess with our hearts and minds. In any case, I got a realization this morning that I wanted to share – it’s about why the naming of behaviors with the terminology from our newly acquired education about psychopaths is so important. It’s because if we try to understand them from our normal paradigm, we will get lost and confused – so it’s extremely important not to go there alone, into their abnormal paradigm. To be guided by those who have figured out their mess keeps us safe. Anyway, I wanted to mention that if you would like any clarification about anything I posted or about anything concerning your particular situation, I would welcome any questions or comments etc. But if you are “ good to go “, I get that too ! Thanks again for your post.
Merry Christmas and many Blessings !

Hi emilie18 – Thank you for your kind and supportive post. Wow – 5 years is amazing ! It seems that this psychopathic problem has escalated in our society ( or perhaps we have just become more aware of a problem that’s been with us for a long long time ) – and so for you to have lived a clean life free of the darkness and unkindness that seems to be lurking about for such a long time shows what a strong character you have ! I am sure that you are a wonderful example to all who know you. Because even if someone hasn’t gone through an abusive relationship, they can feel the compassion from someone who has been able to overcome. Thanks again for your post.
Merry Christmas and many Blessings to you.

Hi –
Thank you for the time we have walked on this path together – it has warmed my heart. In order to start the new year afresh, I am signing off from this blog and will not be getting notifications about further posts. My intention was that my posts would give love, support and guidance, and I want to express my deep gratitude for your kind responses, and to tell you how much your posts have meant to me – your love, your interest, your sharing, your encouragement and the support you have given in return. Many, many thanks to you. Happy New Year !
Blessings always.

Polestar – will miss your wisdom, kindness and thoughtfulness. Blessings for your new beginnings!

Polestar

You have been an amazing help to me, hurt and many others I’m sure !

Wish you all the very best and again Thank you for explaining things in a very clear and understandAble way !

Good luck in Love, life and success in whatever you choose to do !

Love and Hugs

Hi – I’m still going to be posting on Love Fraud, just not on this particular post stream. So we’ll be sitting around the fire chatting again by another stream, I’m hoping.
Happy New Year !
Blessings

People can still read this post if the sharing is helpful.

SG

Polestar – thank you so much for all of your contributions. I wish you the best as you move forward!

You too Polestar !

🥂💕 Happy New Year to you ! Xx

Hello Hurt

I have shed a tear Hearing bk from you on this post today, as the love and support shared and given to each of us by all of us is so heart warming and amazing !
I Really feel we have connected in such a way that only survivors of these types of toxic relationships can feel and understand! I feel I will miss hearing from you and Polestar !
But it has and will continue to be an amazing journey of recovery as we grieve and grow into happier people that can one day be free from the trauma The relationship caused us. We will one day be years on like Polestar, Emelie18 and Sunny gal and will be reading new posts from other people newly affected by narcs & sociopaths but we will be able to give them support and help Like the help we have received.

This is a brilliant site , and I won’t forget the first time I found it and read Donnas story that helped highlight what was going on for me!

It’s so good to hear from you Hurt and am very pleased that you are doing ok and like me coming to terms with the ending of a relationship with someone we loved deeply but as we now know is a narcissist/sociopath and that it was only ever going to end in disaster as their levels of abuse, disrespect & dishonesty would only increase.

Again
Love to you all & Thank you ❤️

Hello Hurt

Thank you for your lovely reply & responding to what I wrote.
I wish you all the very best in recovery and becoming happier as we all do for each other!

Lots of love
Jotty xxx