October 2, 2019 at 11:49 am #54596
Hi, everyone. I’m new to the site. Like you, I was “lied to, deceived, cheated on, duped. I am (also) broken.” What I appreciate most about your site is how supportive you are towards each other. Can you help me get through my nightmare?
It’s been 2 months since my “ex” of four years “discard me.” Prior to our relationship, we were friends for close to 30 years. Like many of you — four years ago, he “loved bombed” me for the first year of our relationship. It was textbook. I can only describe it as “meeting my soul mate,” the “man of my dreams,” and “he was picture perfect.” I was literally on cloud 9.
Our second year was almost “picture perfect.” My “ex” introduced –“idealization” and “devaluation,” except I never knew that’s what it was. He showered me with so much love, gifts and attention —I was blinded by the fact he was putting me down in the form of sarcastic jokes. “You love attention, don’t you? All women do.” “You’re a terrible driver.” Since he never took it seriously, I never took it seriously. On top of everything, he had a terrible “hulk-like” temper, too. He said–he’s always been angry for as long as he can remember. He never dealt with it, either. He’d just sulk and passively aggressively wait until it passed. Sometimes, it would cause an argument. An argument that would results in a “silent treatment.” I hated the silent treatment. It felt like the worst punishment. As long as I walked on eggshells, I was fine. As long as avoided things that would “normally” trigger him, I was fine. But like all things, he’d still find something to complain about–the drama with this family, the guys at his work and everything in between. While this is going on, he’d still sprinkle in gifts, compliments “You’re the best woman in the world” and lots and lots of affection. He also promised to marry and grow old with me.
Our third year was no different, except there was less affection and more fighting. Despite my better reasoning, I hung in there because I already invested two years of love and understanding –why give up on him now, right? You accept the bad days with the good ones. When his father died, he changed. He was suddenly more vulnerable. It was like “finally, he’s letting me in…” He kept me close, too close. He wanted to be with me 24/7. At some point, I barely saw my own family. He didn’t want me, or “us” to be with my family, either. A definite “red flag,” but —I barely saw my own sanity… the flag had to be 30 feet tall in order for me to see it. I was “bonded” to him in away I never saw coming.
As we approached our fourth year, it started falling a part. He started pulling away. Despite being supportive during his health and family issues, work drama, father’s death, his sporadic anger, temper tantrums, and unpredictable mood swings, he was getting bored and withdrawn. I was working extra hours at work to pay for his needs and wants. But it was never enough. Suddenly, I started questioning him on his priorities (his family always came first, I came second). He started making me feel guilty for “starting arguments” and “attacking his family.”
His family was always a “trigger.” Since he lived at home, it was unavoidable to be affected by his family. The home was void of any value or belief system. Seriously, there’s no accountability, no discipline, no respect, no punishment/consequence for anyone’s actions. And, there’s at least a dozen people living in the home with this same mindset. Everyone walking around feeling “entitled” to having things done for them. And, in the center of this madness is his mother. She’s in her 70’s –who does everything for everyone. She’s so passive, she doesn’t do anything about it. And, my “ex” –adds to the problem by projecting his frustrations on me. So every time I say something –I’m either “starting an argument” or “attacking his family.” It drove me “crazy.” It was a losing battle because I was always wrong and his family was never wrong.
Two months ago, he was so angry —I was sitting in his room and I became very uncomfortable, so I left. I’ve never done that before. It angered him SO much when I left. Trust me, he looked so angry, cold and mean. It was scary. An hour or so, we talked briefly. In the end he said, he didn’t want to marry me because he had doubts and (poof)—silent treatment for two months. I guess you can say —he decided we were over. I attempted to contact him in the first week, but he never responded. For three weeks, he continued to go to our favorite hangouts. He told everyone, I was either at work or unavailable. In the fourth week, he slowly told everyone it was “crappy, but it was over.”
I hate the silent treatment. In the first three weeks of “no contact” –I felt like I was dying. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t stop thinking…I was a mess. If I wasn’t dying, I wanted to die. He was talking to everyone, but me. Of course I blamed myself and shouldered the responsibility. It was a heavy weight. I cried so much I could barely do anything else. I started searching for answers. After drowning myself in “break-up” books and “coping” self-help books –I found the world of “Cluster B” personality disorders, including narcissist and other toxic people. It felt like someone wrote my “story.”
Now, I’m dealing with so many problems. I’m still addicted to him, I have painful withdraws, I’m struggling with my own memories (what was real/false), I’m trying to fix my own mind because he hijacked it with his stuff, and every time I feel like I’m making progress —I feel like I’m back to square one. It doesn’t help that he’s searching for my replacement. He’s performing the same tactics he used on me four years ago. I wish I had time machine. I’d go back and undo everything and save me from this heartbreak.
October 2, 2019 at 11:56 am #54597
hurt- Good to see your post. It will get better one day at a time. There is alot of help for recovery here.
October 3, 2019 at 11:54 pm #54616
Hi hurt –
I think that his enmeshment with his family made the situation even more toxic than “ normal “ abusive relationships. Calling abusive relationships “ normal “, I know sounds strange , but as you pointed out they do have such a text book quality and follow a trajectory that you were able to describe so well. But as I was saying, the dysfunction in his family just magnified the problems and you became the scapegoat. So it was like a laser condensing all the stresses and problems right to your heart. Of course he had to love bomb you – they absolutely needed someone to carry all the sickness. But this is not to diminish your personal relationship with your ex. Something that I want to point out that you perhaps don’t realize is that the incident when he was so angry in his room and how you just got up and left was absolutely critical. That was your true, healthy authentic self acting on your behalf. When we are in an abusive relationship what happens usually is that as it escalates, we internalize more and more of the blame and get more and more confused and overwhelmed – this is particularly true when we have not been educated at all about this type of syndrome. But your true self shined through at that moment and his sick self recognized that light. That was the turning point of a confrontation that was on a very very deep level of your being. It was on that level that he acknowledged that you would not become a victim. I know what you are going through now is so painful – there is so much to sort through from memories to emotions to soul searching. This is all part of your healing. While you are going through it, please acknowledge what a beautiful and courageous being that you are and how your own very self saved you from a horrible danger. Can you imagine what would have happened if you had married that charactered disordered person plus how you would have even more been dragged into his family dynamic ? That was a close call! Nevertheless, I am sorry that you are feeling so hurt right now. You really did kind and loving things for him and gave him such loving support. Those silent treatments are a very cruel form of abuse. I know that you are reading and learning more and more about psychological abuse. Keep doing that because that understanding really does coat the heart with warmth and relief. If you find yourself feeling particularly low, use your will power to open one of those books. You will be amazed how every time you will suddenly get insights and energy and you will start to feel better and better. I congratulate on how well you already understand so much about what you went through.
PS – if there is anything that is particularly confusing about any incidents that you went through or need any clarity or support, we are here for you.
Blessings to you.
October 4, 2019 at 9:40 am #54617
hurt- You’re grieving. Time and distance will help. See how Katie Holmes is doing after her recent breakup.
October 6, 2019 at 3:26 pm #54638
hurt- The new target will be treated the same. Good you are not in contact and can move on. Take it a day at a time.
October 7, 2019 at 2:50 pm #54645
Thank you Sunny Gal and Polestar.
I appreciate your kind words and unfailing support. You truly pulled on my heartstrings, despite the shattered condition its in.
Sunny Gal–thank you. It hasn’t been easy surviving this nightmare. I haven’t stopped crying..
Polestar –thank you for taking the opportunity to walk me through this nightmare. You’re right; the enmeshment with him and his family made it more “toxic” than “normal.” True. “Calling abusive relationships ‘normal’ –but you’re right. The dysfunctional thinking between him and his family was their ‘normal,’ even though mine wasn’t. (I still can’t believe he thought I was the problem.) Sometimes the “ex” would use his own family to make me jealous, especially when he would give his nieces and nephews more attention than me.
Ironically he would passively aggressively reminded me, they ALWAYS came first and I always came in second. But, in terms of “my” attention–he was FIRST and his family was second. I hated his double-standards. You’re absolutely right; “they needed someone to carry all the sickness.” I was the “scapegoat.”
Wow! I never realized that incident in his room was so critical. I just remember how uncomfortable I felt—my heart was pounding thickly in my chest, my mind (my mind told me to go) was at war with my heart (my heart wanted to stay) and I felt my body race to the door. It was the first time I didn’t know what to do, except leave. It was the first time I involuntarily left. And, it was the first time I knew if I stayed–nothing would change. If that was my “true self”–no wonder I felt like that. I don’t think he was expecting that, either.
You wrote: “That was the turning point of a confrontation that was on a very very deep level of your being. It was on that level that he acknowledged that you would not become a victim.” Thank you for that. I’ve replayed that memory a hundred times in my mind and I keep telling myself–if I did something differently, would it have ended differently. And, I realize the answer would be “no,” every time.
You wrote: “I know what you are going through now is so painful – there is so much to sort through from memories to emotions to soul searching. This is all part of your healing. While you are going through it, please acknowledge what a beautiful and courageous being that you are and how your own very self saved you from a horrible danger. Can you imagine what would have happened if you had married that charactered disordered person plus how you would have even more been dragged into his family dynamic ? That was a close call! Nevertheless, I am sorry that you are feeling so hurt right now. You really did kind and loving things for him and gave him such loving support.” Thank you for recognizing the support I gave him. It’s a terrible feeling when your support goes unrecognized. Worse –taken for granted. And, to add insult to injury–it was NEVER ENOUGH. I go insane just thinking about it. I wish this unbearable pain wasn’t so unrelentlessness and heavy.
You wrote: “Those silent treatments are a very cruel form of abuse. I know that you are reading and learning more and more about psychological abuse. Keep doing that because that understanding really does coat the heart with warmth and relief. If you find yourself feeling particularly low, use your will power to open one of those books. You will be amazed how every time you will suddenly get insights and energy and you will start to feel better and better. I congratulate on how well you already understand so much about what you went through.”
Everyday feels like a challenge just to get out of bed and eating food is chore, now. How sad is that? I can’t believe I’m saying this —but I miss him. I don’t even know why, anymore. This selfish abusive monster shattered me and I still miss him. I completely agree; I’ve been on a reading frenzy since this happened. My collection of narcissistic/pathological/ cluster B/ personality disorders books continues to grow as we speak. “Knowledge is power…” right?
It frustrates me that my “ex” appears to move on with his life, like nothing happened. Like I never existed –our four years never existed. In fact, he’s going on vacation soon. I can barely leave my house and he’s smiling at the world like he won the lottery. How do people like him destroy lives and appear unaffected? How do they sleep at night knowing what they are? And, why are they able to continue hurting people without consequence and/or punishment? It doesn’t make sense.
October 7, 2019 at 4:48 pm #54650
Hi hurt –
One participant ( Tammilyn ) posted the topic “ when will he give up and move on ? “ in the forum section. You might find the response I gave helpful to read because I think it is pertinent to your situation. In any case, I know it feels so unfair that you are hurting, while your ex seems to be going on his jolly way without a care in the world. I’m going to give you an explanation that I hope you don’t find to be too gross ! But I think it is very apt. Let’s imagine that there is a person who is very anemic and has a disease in which they cannot produce blood. Some people donate blood to a blood bank and if that person gets a few pints of blood then they will be feeling very good. Now there is a limit to how much healthy people can donate because there is only a certain rate by which their blood can be replenished. Well, if the donor is giving and giving to the extent that it is over the healthy limit, and the receiver is getting far more than is even necessary, then you can see the grave imbalance. If this continues, the donor will be the one who gets very sick. When this example is applied to relationships, blood is energy and energy in abundance creates joy and love. When it is being shared and given freely to both people in a relationship, then the energy is even compounded. Lack of vital energy creates negativity that translates into negative emotions and the inability to have any enthusiasm about life. In your situation, your ex is still living off all of the energy that you so generously supplied and he is demonstrating this by showing off his attitudes and life style. By the way, this is one of the patterns that happen in abusive situations – the showing off . He is having a grand time at your expense. However, just like many who win the lottery – he will blow it all and have nothing left. He didn’t earn that money. But you are No Contact and that will give yourself the space and time to rest and rebuild. As your energy rebuilds, you will feel better and better. Love itself is a high energy. You loved him, and you miss him still. I understand that. Yet realize that that is love energy. Now all you need to do is to add wisdom and understanding to your love ( which you are doing with your educating yourself about this ) and you will be flying joyously again. Most likely, your ex will come “ hovering “ as he begins to feel negative again ( which he will ). So keep your guard up ! Realize that you have a wonderful new and happy phase of your life that awaits you! Hang in there.
October 7, 2019 at 7:45 pm #54652
Hurt – I am so sorry for what you are enduring. What you have described is textbook narcissistic abuse. I was struck by the comment that you felt addicted. This is not your imagination – it is true. We just developed a webinar on “EFT tapping to break your addiction to a sociopath.” You might want to check it out.
October 9, 2019 at 6:28 pm #54687
Thank you SO much. What you described in the analogy of the donor and anemic person is SO true. Every aspect you described in the analogy fit well into our relationship dynamic. I didn’t realize by generously feeding my “ex” with vital energy, I was (also) depleting my vital energy source to the point of exhaustion and/or extinction. It would also explain why I felt (so) tired all the time. I excused it as –I was working longer hours to pay for his additional needs and wants. You’re absolutely right; this is a grave “imbalance.”
It was suggested I look at a “before” and “after” relationship picture and see if I see a difference. Sadly, I saw it. As my “ex” continued to look younger (he lost close to 50 lbs, shaved his beard and wore form fitting clothing), I looked sad, exhausted and beady-eyed. It’s quite a difference from my former happy, younger self.
You wrote: “In your situation, your ex is still living off all of the energy that you so generously supplied and he is demonstrating this by showing off his attitudes and life style. By the way, this is one of the patterns that happen in abusive situations – the showing off . He is having a grand time at your expense. However, just like many who win the lottery – he will blow it all and have nothing left. He didn’t earn that money.” Thank you for reminding me –all the energy I was supplying him with is still being consumed. It’s depressing when you realize –someone who shattered your world is moving forward with his life and everything he took from you.
You wrote: “But you are No Contact and that will give yourself the space and time to rest and rebuild. As your energy rebuilds, you will feel better and better. Love itself is a high energy. You loved him, and you miss him still. I understand that. Yet realize that that is love energy. Now all you need to do is to add wisdom and understanding to your love ( which you are doing with your educating yourself about this ) and you will be flying joyously again…Realize that you have a wonderful new and happy phase of your life that awaits you! Hang in there.” Thank you SO much. It hasn’t been easy to maintain “No Contact,” but I’m trying. Everyday seems to get a little easier. I keep telling myself, “It was over before it began. It just took my four years to realize it.” Sometimes it helps. Sometimes it doesn’t. You’re right: “love itself is a high energy.” I never realize how powerful love is, until I no longer felt it. A friend of mine told me –It might not be him that I miss, but what he represented. It’s food for thought.
Thank you; I’ll continue to read and listen to “self-help” videos. You’re right: they do add wisdom and understanding to my growing awareness of toxic people, like sociopaths, narcissists and other “Cluster B” personalities. It’s shocking these people exists. It’s even more shocking what they do to people; the aftermath is tremendous.
You wrote:” Most likely, your ex will come “ hovering “ as he begins to feel negative again ( which he will ). So keep your guard up !” Thank you for the warning. I was attending an event (two weeks ago) when I saw him driving on a side street. I don’t think he saw me. If he did, he didn’t show it. He looked so angry, empty and mad. It almost looked like the face I saw two months ago (before he “discarded” me). It struck me odd because –I was told he was fine and he looked “normal.” In fact, he’s going on vacation, looking for new supply (if he hasn’t already) and he’s spending more time with his family. The man was always good with his “smoke and mirrors” routine. Nothing about him made sense in the relationship and it shouldn’t surprise me —that nothing about him make sense now. I can’t believe I dated a stranger. Worse, I loved and trusted him with my heart.
October 9, 2019 at 6:35 pm #54688
Thank you for your thoughtful words. You’re right: he’ll treat her the same way. It pains me to think — he’ll abuse another “supply” for his selfish agenda. And, it pains me even more knowing her nightmare is just beginning. It’s like watching your story all over again, but this time… you’re not the female lead.
October 9, 2019 at 6:43 pm #54689
Thank you for your support and the attached link.
I confess, I’ve never experienced abuse on this magnitude before.
It’s both paralyzing and symptomatic.
I’m grateful for this site and the support I’ve been receiving.
To have a place to share and discuss your story and experiences is heaven-sent.
I’m also grateful I’m not alone.
October 10, 2019 at 2:43 am #54694
Blood donations, eh? I’m sure Jonathan Harker would have had plenty to say about the danger of these bloodsuckers…
October 10, 2019 at 1:04 pm #54701
hurt – Your experience resonates with me, you describe yourself as “broken”. What do you do with something that’s broken? Well, you mend it!
You probably don’t think this is a very helpful thing to say right now as everything is very raw. Believe me, things will get better even though you feel terrible at the moment.
Never, never contact him again, don’t look back, you are addicted to the mirage he conjured up to deceive you. It wasn’t real, it’s hard to process at the moment as I well know, but that’s just what they do.
Be kind to yourself, strive to recover; remember, he was the one with the problem, he’s stuck in a lifelong nightmare from which he’ll never escape. You escaped, be grateful.
October 16, 2019 at 11:56 am #54782
Thank you for your thoughtful words. It’s good advice about mending what is broken. It’s been a constant struggle piecing each piece together, but I’m trying.
Just as Polestar suggested, I’ve been educating myself more and more about people like my “ex”–and it’s shocking how how far they’ll go to manipulate, control and dominate the people in their life, especially loved ones. The abuse, the trauma and mind games they play is scary and the human “carnage” they leave behind is indescribable.
The more I understand what happened to me, the more I understand I wasn’t “crazy.” My “ex” was the crazy one. He lives for this “drama” not me. HA! –In addition to calling me “crazy,” he called me “drama.” How’s that for ironic?
My support group is convinced my “ex” will reach out to me, again. I’m not so convinced. He has a historical record (when he was with me) of never returning to people, places and things if he was “burned” by them. Than again, I didn’t expect him to abuse me, either.
Good advice, Hafren. I’m trying to be good to myself. It was frightening when I realized I was a stranger to myself when he “discarded me.” I’m grateful now –two months later, to stare at myself in the mirror and start to see pieces of me returning.
Oh, I compared my “before and after” picture in my relationship and is was shocking to see (in my “after” picture) how “sad” my eyes were not to mention the discoloration of my face. I looked so pale and thin. In the beginning of the relationship, my eyes were “happy” and my face was full and rich in color. I wouldn’t believe it until I saw it. I also compared a “before and after” picture of my “ex.” WOW! –He looked like he found the “fountain of youth.” He looked 20 years younger. Again, I wouldn’t have believed it until I saw it. It’s a constant reminder to myself–what he did to me. He not only stole years from me, he stole my life. And, what did I do— I handed myself to him on a silver platter.
October 16, 2019 at 12:00 pm #54783
Redwald- Good Point. They’re definitely “vampires.” I wouldn’t have believed it, until I saw my “before and after” picture of my relationship and then compare it to his “before and after” picture. WOW! “A picture (really) is worth a 1000 words.”
October 18, 2019 at 8:35 pm #54810
Hi hurt –
Today I posted a post to snow girl about “ Narcissistic offense “ and I mentioned that the pattern that you both went through was the same or very similar. I explained that the Idealize, Devalue, Discard did not happen as the usual pattern. And how both of yours were different. I hope that you will read the post I did on snowgirl’s “ 21 days “ because it was meant for you too. You both showed such wonderful strength, and I think that you could gain validation from each other’s story because you went through a similar ordeal and you both have such good and caring hearts.
October 21, 2019 at 12:58 pm #54837
Thank you for your post and for referring me to snowgirl’s “21 days.” You’re right; there are a lot of similairies, if not the same. You’re also right; Idealize, Devalue and Discard didn’t follow the usual patterns. However, one thing is always constant– the victims are always confused or devastated by their illogical thinking. Whether the victim is “discarded” like last nights trash, or the victim (in a relationship) is questioning their sanity, these “monsters” never lose sleep because they lack empathy, remorse, or accountability for their actions. They just keep spinning their victims in their web of “drama” –fueling their need for attention and validation. While victims are piecing their shattered, confused souls together, again (in No Contact mode).
My heart goes out to snowgirl and so many people like her. You’re absolutely right: these are incredible people with big loving hearts who don’t deserve to be hurt like this. No one deserves to be hurt like this.
I found this quote in a book I read over the weekend —
“You were manipulated, insulated, degraded, belittled, and neglected. Full responsibility for this goes to the psychopath. It does not matter it you were vulnerable or insecure -no decent human being should ever take advantage of another. None of this was your fault.” -‘Psychopath Free’ by Jackson Mackenzie
I’m not perfect. I spent the entire weekend reminding myself –it’s not my fault and I don’t deserve this. Although I barely left my house, or my bed —and I cried on several occasions, I’m praying for better days. I’m approaching my third month of “No Contact” and still feel like contacting him, or wonder if he’ll contact me. How ridiculous is that? The man programmed me, well. Despite it all, I’m here. I’m fighting my way through it, until the voice in my head is mine again.
Thank you for your unfailing support, Polestar. I can’t tell you how much I need it.
October 21, 2019 at 9:24 pm #54842
Hi Hurt –
I loved your post to snowgirl ( and hers to you ); you gave such kindness and that touched my heart. By the way, I LOVE Jackson’s book ! Truly amazing the way he can understand and empathize so incredibly well. About what you are going through – to share what I did when I went through the stage you are going through – I felt like I needed to get myself away from the whole ordeal mentally and emotionally, so I started to take lessons about something that really interested me and I corresponded with a private teacher and guide. So I had these lessons to manage to do – it was soooooo hard ! But I picked myself up ( I should say dragged myself ) to do it. I got more and more involved with my new interest and that was the way I personally took my first step back to me. If that idea appeals to you and you wish to run some of your own ideas by me and the other participants, I’d be happy to give feedback about how you might go about it. For example it would need to be some activity that is not too difficult etc. Anyway, it’s just a suggestion. Congratulations on your No Contact!
October 23, 2019 at 1:51 pm #54863
Hi again hurt –
I just wanted to apologize in case I seemed to be pushing you beyond what you’re ready to do at this point. Anyway, I would like to reassure you that your joy and the love that is in your heart – that you will feel them again. You will be happy again.
October 23, 2019 at 6:22 pm #54864
I admire your strength and your courage. Facing what has happened to you is not an easy task. You’re right; it’s tough. Like you said –you’re going to have good days and bad days. You’re also going to have happy and sad ones, too.
If you feel like crying, cry. If you feel mad, be mad. If you feel pensive, be pensive. Whatever you feel, allow yourself to feel the emotion(s). You’ve been through a lot. Your body, mind and spirit have all been affected. And, it’s important to be kind to yourself, especially in times likes these.
I love this quote from Jackson Mackenzie (‘Psychopath Free’). I also shared it with Polestar.
“You were manipulated, insulated, degraded, belittled, and neglected. Full responsibility for this goes to the psychopath. It does not matter it you were vulnerable or insecure -no decent human being should ever take advantage of another. None of this was your fault.”
That’s understandable; if my “ex” told me he was a “sociopath,” I would have taken it as an exaggeration, too. You’re (very) fortunate he disclosed as much as he did with you from the beginning. Many victims never know who their abuser is until after the relationship. You’re also fortunate you knew what medication he was taking. My “ex” was taking anxiety medication, too, but I never knew the name of it. Two years into our relationship, he slowly took himself off of it, until one day –he stopped taking it. Unfortunately, I’ll never know if it benefited him, or “us” to be off of it. Something always “triggered” him and his behavior was always “hot and cold.”
I also understand, it’s maddening that someone could put you and everyone involved on his rollercoaster ride of emotional and psychological abuse. It wasn’t fair to all of you –to experience the drama associated with his abuse, as well.
I have the same problem. My “ex” and I live in the same city. The chances of running into each other are also good. I literally scan ahead (while I’m driving) to see if he’s in view. I still have no idea what I would do—if I did see him. I’m worried, my emotions will overwhelm me and derail all my hard work in NC. But, I must confess –I saw him once. I don’t think he saw me. I won’t lie, it scared and it made me happy. I was happy because I still care about him, but it scared me because he wasn’t the man I fell in love with. This man was cold, empty and devoid of emotion. He almost looked mad or angry. It was like looking at a stranger. I’m told –this is him without his “mask” on. Whatever you choose, just remember — this was not your fault. Be kind to yourself.
You made a big sacrifice to move to be closer to him. I’m sorry it’s taken you away from your support group. I’m also sorry you don’t like the area. It’ll be a challenge, but it’s important to stay close to your support group, or community forums (like this). It’s important to surround yourself with people who understand what you’re going through. That’s wonderful news! I’m glad you found someone to talk to and you’re finding ways to stay busy. Isolation was my “ex’s” favorite tactic. I think if I had someone to talk to (and trusted), I might have removed myself sooner from our relationship. Worse, when he “discarded” me —I wouldn’t have been alone, scared, confused, and angry.
I still have my good and bad days. I think we all do. It’s not an easy task to process everything we’ve been through, but as long as we continue to “power through it” —we’ll be in a better place. 🙂
October 23, 2019 at 7:11 pm #54866
Thank you SO much for your post and for introducing snowgirl to me. You have good instincts; we really do have a lot in common.
I love Jackson’s book, too. I bought his second book, as well. You’re absolutely right, he does “understand and empathize so incredibly well.”
“About what you are going through – to share what I did when I went through the stage you are going through – I felt like I needed to get myself away from the whole ordeal mentally and emotionally, so I started to take lessons about something that really interested me and I corresponded with a private teacher and guide. So I had these lessons to manage to do – it was soooooo hard ! But I picked myself up ( I should say dragged myself ) to do it. I got more and more involved with my new interest and that was the way I personally took my first step back to me. If that idea appeals to you and you wish to run some of your own ideas by me and the other participants, I’d be happy to give feedback about how you might go about it. For example it would need to be some activity that is not too difficult etc. Anyway, it’s just a suggestion.”
Thank you SO much for sharing your experience! That’s a wonderful idea. In fact, I just learned how to crochet. It doesn’t sound very exciting, but it’s very therapeutic. I know what you mean –I literally dragged myself, too. I didn’t have a lot of hobbies, before I met my “ex”, so this experience is still new for me. It’s also very intimidating and scary. When my “ex” and I were together– I inherited his hobbies. I don’t know if it was a good thing, or not.
The only thing I’m sure of –is crying helps. I cry a lot. When my “ex” discarded me, I think a piece of me was lost. I don’t feel like a whole person, yet. Even with this new hobby, I still feel out of place. Maybe when my heart feels better, I will too.
Thanks again, Polestar. It feels good to be part of something, again.
You must be logged in to reply to this topic.