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I was 39 and desperate to settle down and start a family and I met a guy I had an amazing connection with. He said he was looking for the exact same thing as me. I couldn’t believe my luck. He was Muslim, aged 35, and lived with his mother and brother he said. Because of his religion the relationship had to be quite secretive – he couldn’t stay the night and I couldn’t go to his place. As he worked evenings we mainly just saw each other on a Saturday night and mainly we just stayed in at mine. He texted me a lot though – sometimes 6 hours a day. It was very intense; he spoke about our wedding, married life, and even bought me a cheap (said it was temporary) engagement ring. Things were moving very slowly though, he was forever making excuses. After 6 months I told him we were going to start trying for the baby he was saying he couldn’t wait to have. This was the point he started disappearing. I wouldn’t hear from him for a week and later this increased to two and even three weeks no contact. I asked him whether he was just using me for sex and he replied he could have gotten sex without saying he wanted to marry me, which was true. So I did not understand what was happening. He said he was extremely scared of commitment. I started trying to meet other men but every time this guy got back in touch I went back. I went back because I was in love and also because I felt I did not have the time to meet anyone else. As time went on I grew sick mentally. I believed what he was telling me as what other explanation was there. He explained it saying ‘one minute I feel like marrying you and the next I want to get a far away from you as possible’. He didn’t know what was happening to him and he was ‘scared of what might come out’ if he had counselling, he said. Then after 2 years he told me he was getting married. He said he was having an arranged marriage to a girl he had never met and was unlikely to get on with. He was doing this because his mother wanted him to but he really wanted to marry me and could I be his mistress after the marriage. After everything I had gone through I was so upset. I doubted I would have the willpower not to see him. I told him if he really wanted to marry me instead then I would go and speak to his mother. He told me not to. I wrote his mother an anonymous letter telling her about the relationship. I had already found out where he was living, but I had never met his family. When I sent the letter he exploded. He told me I was a ‘f***ing b****’ and I had ‘ruined’ his life. He told me he was married, he had another girlfriend and also numerous ‘side chicks’. He said, ‘so I can tell you I was sh***ing the whole time’. He said I was just a sh** to him, ‘very convenient’,’Finally the penny has dropped!’. The way he spoke to me was like a totally different person. He had previously told me I was his first and he was always very shy and awkward with me. This person now speaking to me was a monster who clearly didn’t love me. I almost killed myself. He told me he would never speak to me again.
6 weeks later he got back in touch. He said he wasn’t married and neither was he getting married. This time he told me he could not be with me because I was white. He wanted a relationship but we couldn’t be seen in public together as he felt ‘too uncomfortable with it’. I have decided not to see him.
I just feel so upset that I probably won’t now have a family. I am also too traumatised to date. My sex drive has gone to zero. I don’t trust people anymore. My life has been ruined. I feel very stupid and confused, not to mention seriously depressed. Friends told me not to see this guy as he didn’t sound nice (they never met him as he came up with different excuses).
Looking for insight and support – is this narcissistic? Sociopathic? And where to go now?
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Karen I’m so sorry that happened to you.
Yes he is certainly disordered. Not sure what his exact disorder would be but it does not really matter as the bottom line is he is a BAD person without morals, a liar and cheater and manipulator, someone who was just using you and pretended to love you while he actually didn’t care about you at all.
Karen I know you might not feel it now but it is a great BLESSING that you did not marry him and did not have a child with him. You have no practical or legal or financial ties to him. You are free to walk away. Your only ties are emotional.
To move forward with dissolving your emotional ties you need to do two things:
1) complete no contact (NC), this includes not having any interaction with him or his family, not checking up on him online, just zero interaction whatsoever.
2) work on yourself to heal from this trauma of loving a disordered and emotionally abusive person. You can start with reading articles on Lovefraud and other websites. There is lots of good information online. You can also go to counseling to get help with healing. Just make sure the counselor understands personality disorders and has experience working with victims of disordered immoral people.
Best of luck to you in your journey of healing. You will come out of this stronger and wiser.
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karenc – I am so sorry for your experience. I am comfortable in saying that the guy is a sociopath. Everything he did was typical sociopathic behavior.
I agree with Sept4 that even though you feel terrible now, it is good that you did not marry and have a child with him. It would be far worse, I assure you.
The man took advantage of you. Right now, the most important thing for you to do is focus on your recovery. We have lots of information on Lovefraud to help you.
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Karen, I am in full agreement with Donna and sept4 – be so grateful you got away and have nothing whatsoever to do with this sick man from now on. Focus on healing and loving yourself. Everyone on here has massive regrets about what they lost through the sick people that took advantage of them. We are all struggling and recovering in our own ways. If you want a family, you are still not too old. Focus on the future.
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Sexual deviancy is a HUGE part of sociopathy. My soon to be ex was sleeping with men from Craigslist during our marriage, but is now dating a woman (also technically during our marriage lol). While being gay or bisexual does NOT mean someone is disordered, his blatant use of basically anyone for sex and power/control along with other behaviors put him in that category.
So….be thankful you walked away without kids tying you to him forever or potential STDs from his behavior. I get the feeling of starting over…I am 41 and doing the same thing. But in reality we are young! We can totally have a better life and be loved by someone with the capability of empathy and respect. Hang in there! -
Roosky yep my ex was sexually deviant too. He was having sex with hookers and strippers during our marriage. He would have them come to his work office or to motels. He paid them cash ($500 seemed to be the going rate) and drugs.
When I first found out he was cheating I assumed it was a normal affair with a normal person. But turns out it was extreme amounts of sex with many paid professionals while high on drugs.
He was a successful businessman and I thought he was at work while he was doing these things. It was disgusting and exposed me to diseases. Thankfully my STD screen came out clear. What kind of monster exposes his loving loyal wife to that kind of risk. Deviant is exactly right.
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Sept4
My STD tests were all negative too but I don’t know how! I found out afterwards that he participated in sexual orgies and sex through holes in walls at porn shops. Ugh. I feel like I am going crazy. I am terrified and angry and depressed and anxious. My therapist says it is PTSD but my emotions are all over the place. I made the mistake of exposing him and now he has decided it is war. I was just sick of these people lying about me and using me and wanted to find my voice. But I wasn’t healed enough and now I am back to square one. I was raised to believe in God and tried to maintain my faith, but it makes me worse to believe in someone that doesn’t protect me or show the truth. I am letting it go for now because it just adds guilt and frustration to my other emotions. Have you experienced this? -
Roosky I’m so sorry and I know what you are going through. It is shocking and traumatic. It is normal to have PTSD symptoms in reaction to trauma. I still have lingering PTSD symptoms and my divorce was many years ago.
At the time this was all happening I decided not to expose him. I did tell the truth to my own friends and family and my therapist. But I did not expose him to his family or in court because I was afraid of him. I knew that he would try to destroy me if I exposed him and tarnished his image of success.
And there was no point in exposing him to his friends because they knew and they were covering for him. And he was actually procuring drugs and hookers for his married friends. So they were not only complicit in the cover up but actually participating in the same behavior. And many of these guys were married successful businessmen with “perfect” families!
So I decided to stay silent for all these years out of fear. However I am stronger now and have decided for myself that if in the future I am ever asked about him I will speak up with the truth. Not sure if that day will ever come but if it does then I am ready to tell my story.
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I wish I hadn’t exposed him. I could have just walked away and been thankful I was healthy and alive. Thanks for understanding. It’s only been 10 months but 2 since I exposed him. I just found this site which I am so thankful for. Most people feel bad for me, but can’t understand the level of psychological abuse and what that does to you. Its good to find a place of people who have been through it too.
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Roosky yes I’m so sorry you are going through this, and thankfully the people here do understand. It is not a normal divorce. It is not a normal affair. It is not a normal person. It’s really not comparable at all to a normal divorce with a normal person.
As to exposing him I’m not sure what the better decision is. You regret exposing him, and I regret not exposing him. I wish I had waited with the divorce until I was stronger and able to speak up against him. I finally got there now but it’s years later after everything was finalized years ago. I wish I could go back and file a different divorce case exposing his secret life.
I know he would have retaliated though and he is capable of anything. He has criminal ties and shady friends from the criminal world. And he is very aggressive and vengeful. So who knows what would have happened.
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Sep4
I was just talking to my parents about this. I analyze every decision to death and the truth is we can’t know what would have happened if we had a made a different decision. I thought I could save other people the pain but I can’t. What’s important is that we get through it together and move on. Thanks again. -
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Karen I’m so glad you feel stronger.
My ex used to swear his lies on his mother too. Their poor moms!
When I was discovering his secret life I actually used to ask him about his day just to watch him lie. I would secretly know from his phone that he was at a motel with hookers and drugs and when he got home I would ask him where he had been. Without blinking or any anxiety at all he would lie to me with a completely straight face that he was at his moms house and that he swore on his mom.
I knew the truth from his phone but just wanted to see him lie and it was truly unbelievable how well he lied without any tells at all. Just a complete poker face. Normal people should show some discomfort or nervousness when lying but it just did not seem to faze him at all whatsoever. If I had not seen with my own eyes what he was up to then I could’ve never guessed at all that he was lying. He was just that good at it.
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